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Someone I care about may have AS. Would you kindly share your perspectives?

N

Nonny

Well-Known Member
We were discussing issues that have been troubling him. He casually, and in passing, mentioned that some people thought he had Aspergers as he was comparing himself to a friend whom he thought definitely has it. He also told me that he has a close family member who has it, so I think he’s pretty familiar with AS. In looking to understand more about the AS experience, I came across this site, and I did think that examing things through the lens of AS might be useful for him. Not knowing how he felt about the idea of having it or having it diagnosed in himself or discussing it, I brought it up tentatively. My interpretation of his response was that he didn’t care to pursue that line of thought.

However, he has repeatedly expressed frustration about establishing connections with people. I have read enough on this site to see that you all are a wonderfully supportive community, and I think he might find like-minded people here. There are a couple of things I’d like your perspective on.

Do you think it’s a bad idea to bring up AS again in order to recommend this site as a potential source of support and connection? Would that feel like a breach of boundaries to you? I didn’t get a clear sign that it upset him when I brought it up the first time. I noted that he’d mentioned AS with reference to himself and asked if he’d been diagnosed. He said he hadn’t. I mentioned that it might add context to some of the issues we’d been discussing. I think he shrugged and might’ve said, “Maybe,” in an indifferent tone, which I interpreted as a sign that he didn’t want to discuss it further, and we moved on to another topic. He hasn’t brought it up since, and I’ve thought it better to follow his lead. But I do think that if he’d be open to it, this might be a great place to direct him.

Second, though I see a lot of support, I also see a lot of despair on this site. If you are despairing and you find others who are despairing, does it help or make it worse? I’m guessing that most people reading this are probably self-selected to feel like this is a good place to find those who can relate to and support you. But do you have any sense that there are some who find that it causes them to dwell on problems and fall into depression?
 
Such wonderful questions! He's lucky to have you!

Perhaps it's an option to say something along the lines of, "I won't mention it again after this, I just wanted to let you know about this website I found that I think would be helpful for you..." and so on.

I believe if someone I cared about said something like that, I wouldn't have a problem even if the subject annoyed me, because it allows me to just say, "Okay," and do nothing, if that's what I want to do.

Maybe it would be awkward if he did come here and saw this thread, but maybe you already planned for that.

So far I have found that people relating to my less-than-happy experiences has been indescribably helpful. It stops my mind from throwing a pity party, some crazy train of thought about the world being against me and me being so unlucky and me me me me.

It's also incredibly helpful to get to know the people here you relate to and see how awesome they are, in spite of all of those negative things and, sometimes, even because of them.

I haven't found that it's made me dwell on my problems, other than problems related to Autism. I've learned a ton here and it's magnified those issues, and by magnify I don't mean made them worse, I mean made them clearer. They can come off as the same thing sometimes.

I foresee, though, that once I've had this newfound knowledge for long, it will de-magnify and the resulting awareness will be invaluable, as it already has been.

That's my experience so far! Good luck!
 
Having others to relate to in happy and sad times is good.

If you are an employer/boss/supervisor based in the USA, you technically aren't allowed to ask if he is on the spectrum so I would just drop it.

If you are a relative or friend, maybe just be a friend.

Bosses and friends both :
1. can invite us to parties, lunches, or whatever and allow us to decide if we want to go and for how long.

2. can let us know that you will listen to us anytime that we may want to talk.

3. can let us know that you are there for us as much as you can be.

If the fellow can use a computer, then (hopefully) he has already found blogs written by autistics and social media accounts of autistics and maybe even a forum or two.

Presume competence.

Thank you for asking. This alone makes me think that you are awesome!!!!
 
I agree with @Fino that you might put it as 'last time I'll mention anything'.

For me, as difficult as it is to make friends in real life, even after years of knowing someone, I have found being here makes me feel like I do have friends. I think the reason is because there is mostly non-judgemental people here who are kind and understanding. Whatever I happen to be going through, I feel their support and acceptance.
 
Might be wise not to bring it up again rather than guessing, and given the keyword here is "may have" that's a process he will have to pursue if he so chooses. If he wishes to openly share it with you in the future, that's fine, but at the moment you probably shouldn't push the topic on him. I can't speak for him and that's only my 2 cents, but speaking for myself that's something that I'm willing to share with only a handful of people that can be fully trusted.

Otherwise, continue lending him a hand as you would with anyone else you may care about.
 
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Thank you for giving your time and attention to share your perspective and offer advice. I am being very careful not to offer any information that I think would violate his confidence, privacy, or anonymity, but I will add that I’m not a boss or supervisor.

I might reframe the question a bit as a risk-to-benefit assessment. It might be risky (offending or hurting him, damaging our relationship, and then him not following the suggestion anyway) but I think the reward would be pretty great. Some of you seem to think that another factor to consider would be that he could find this or something similar on his own if he chose to look. It seems that those of you who have responded are divided in opinion on whether I should suggest he check out this site. I keep waffling myself.

I don’t know that I would identify as NT (the idea of NT kind of makes me chuckle) but I’m pretty sure I don’t have AS. And yet, in reading through the threads, I’ve seen so much to admire and relate to. He does have someone close to him who has AS, so maybe it wouldn’t be out of line if I just told him that I’d stumbled upon a great online AS community that I thought worth sharing and leave it at that?
 
Welcome to the forum! Whatever you choose to do, I hope all goes well! You are, certainly, welcome to stick around, here, yourself, and we'd love to have you.
 
Nonny said:
Thank you for giving your time and attention to share your perspective and offer advice. I am being very careful not to offer any information that I think would violate his confidence, privacy, or anonymity, but I will add that I’m not a boss or supervisor.

I might reframe the question a bit as a risk-to-benefit assessment. It might be risky (offending or hurting him, damaging our relationship, and then him not following the suggestion anyway) but I think the reward would be pretty great. Some of you seem to think that another factor to consider would be that he could find this or something similar on his own if he chose to look. It seems that those of you who have responded are divided in opinion on whether I should suggest he check out this site. I keep waffling myself.

I don’t know that I would identify as NT (the idea of NT kind of makes me chuckle) but I’m pretty sure I don’t have AS. And yet, in reading through the threads, I’ve seen so much to admire and relate to. He does have someone close to him who has AS, so maybe it wouldn’t be out of line if I just told him that I’d stumbled upon a great online AS community that I thought worth sharing and leave it at that?
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You could ask if his friend is aware of this forum.
 
Nonny said:
Do you think it’s a bad idea to bring up AS again in order to recommend this site as a potential source of support and connection? Would that feel like a breach of boundaries to you? I didn’t get a clear sign that it upset him when I brought it up the first time. I noted that he’d mentioned AS with reference to himself and asked if he’d been diagnosed. He said he hadn’t. I mentioned that it might add context to some of the issues we’d been discussing. I think he shrugged and might’ve said, “Maybe,” in an indifferent tone, which I interpreted as a sign that he didn’t want to discuss it further, and we moved on to another topic. He hasn’t brought it up since, and I’ve thought it better to follow his lead. But I do think that if he’d be open to it, this might be a great place to direct him.

Second, though I see a lot of support, I also see a lot of despair on this site. If you are despairing and you find others who are despairing, does it help or make it worse? I’m guessing that most people reading this are probably self-selected to feel like this is a good place to find those who can relate to and support you. But do you have any sense that there are some who find that it causes them to dwell on problems and fall into depression?
Click to expand...
I've had two failed diagnoses of ASD and one failed diagnosis of ADHD but I am 99.999995 certain I have both.
If it were me, I would want to know why I didn't connect with people, and ASD diagnosis would vindicate me from feeling like I am failing socially, but on the other hand, it depends if he is ready to come to terms with the thought of having ASD and all that it entails.
To me, it is a gift, a blessing, and as society learns more and more about it, allowances are being made for people with ASD.
I am told I isolate, whereas if I had an official diagnosis, I would have a reason to tell people that being around so many people drain my energy.
I lurked on the site for a few months before joining, and felt like I was looking in a mirror.
Same with ADHD sites but that's not the issue here.
In order not to breach his boundaries you could tell him you want to respect his boundaries and would he consider a suggestion from you (but don't mention the suggestion until he consents) ie the suggestion that he visit this site.
Personally I don't think it would do him harm to lurk on these boards, especially general autism discussion, he might also find that he feels less alone.
As for the despair, I can only go on what I have read on this site, some people diagnosed with ASD focus on the obstacles and have not yet learnt the benefits.
Theory has it that ASD is the next step in human evolution, a shaman from Native America said ASD's have a licence to become shamans.
Many of the great inventors and creatives in our history were purported to have had ASD.
Sadly a lot of people born before ASD was recognised have slipped through the net and felt social failures and underachievers all their lives and made poor choices like addiction, following the herd mind instead of embracing thier individuality.
There are many books out there, classics that I have not read, just read about, that teach kids to embrace their individuality, Dr Seuss, Bill Peet, Stephen Cosgrove, A wrinkle in time and many more.
Those are the books I wish I had read as a youngster before losing myself to the hive mind and throwing my (sorry to sound big headed) massive hi IQ, photorealistic artistic ability and perfect pitch singing out of the window, in favour of denying that I was poor at sport, couldnt ride a bike, not in the in crowd, i even let peers abuse and manipulate me rather than play alone, so I wish I had embraced my individuality more.
The only time i get depressed is because of my mistakes in allowing drugs to blur the ASD and ADHD assessors results in my tests and resultant failed diagnosis.
Ah and I am another aspie who likes cats.
I even have had telepathic conversation with one of them.
hope that helps
 
Much respect to you @Nonny.

There is something called a BAP or broader autistic phenotype which is sub-clinical autism or even less symptomology that the PPD-nos dx requires.

You can declare yourself to be that if NT does not seem to fit.

Whoeer you are and whatever you do, I celebrate your presence among us.
 
Thank you again, for sharing and for your kind sentiments towards me. Your responses are exactly why I think this would be so rewarding for him. I will continue to mull it over and to take any other perspectives or advice into consideration. I may not give an update about what I decide so as to preserve his anonymity if he ends up coming here in the near or distant future.
 
Nonny said:
Thank you again, for sharing and for your kind sentiments towards me. Your responses are exactly why I think this would be so rewarding for him. I will continue to mull it over and to take any other perspectives or advice into consideration. I may not give an update about what I decide so as to preserve his anonymity if he ends up coming here in the near or distant future.
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Best of luck to him, I'm sure he will be given a warm welcome.
 
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