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Someone asked me out

Luca

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
What the title says. I was asked out by a straight woman who thinks I'm male/identify as male. Which I do, but not entirely. But I'm only attracted to men!
How do I tell her I don't want to date her?? I want to be honest above all else, so do I just say simply that I don't like girls? I know I'm overthinking this (a lot) and the answer is probably really simple, but I'm not good at relationship stuff. I also really want to be friends with her. Is there a way to tell her "no" that's honest, but tactful? I don't want to lead her on. I made a (legitimate) excuse as to why I couldn't go on a date at that point in time. But I want to tell her honestly that I'm not interested romantically. She doesn't seem like the type of person who would react weirdly at all to being under the impression that I'm a gay man, but I want to be more honest than that. So how do I explain that A.) I'm not attracted to women, and B.) that I'm not biologically male? I don't want a friendship with her under false pretenses either. I do believe that she would understand but I'm not sure how my other neighbors would feel if they found out. I never specified my gender identity to any of them, because it never came up. And I'm also not entirely sure about that myself. My neighbors are all pretty big fans of me so far but I'm worried about losing that if someone is like "Did you know that Luca is genderfluid/transgender?" I don't think most of them even know what that means. Some of them will probably think I'm confused.
I talked way too much and made a long-winded post again so I apologize!! I'm very scatterbrained. :grimacing:
What would be the best way to approach this without hurting her feelings, leading her on, being inadvertently dishonest, or sparking rumors from my nosy neighbors? There's probably no win-win here.
 
I'm surprised this is the first time you've come across this type of dilemma if you usually pass as male?
How has it been in the past for you?

If you are newish to the area and everyone thinks you are male, that's presumably come about because you have chosen not to correct that impression. It can be pretty hard to see how to address the gender spectrum with people who only see a binary, I certainly don't bother trying to explain I am non-binary to anyone.

Do you think you live in an area where people are laid back and tolerant about difference? If you were to stop the average person you know on the street and say, what do know about transgender issues, what might they say?

Typically, same as with autism, people are not well informed about ideas of gender other than, it's binary and everyone is either male or female. Plenty will flat out deny that gender is a spectrum or that you can have a gender identity other than the biological gender you were born with, and tell you the 'science' that 'proves' it's wrong.

I would think through how you think others would process this, before you connect yourself personally with the issue, as most people don't understand it the way you and I do. Same as most don't understand the realities of autism. They have stereotypes in mind in both cases, and the norm would be for you to get stereotyped, rather than for them to change their view.

As many in all kinds of minorities find, it's hard to convey a minority life experience to someone who is in a different and majority position.
 
Thinking back the times my interest was rebuffed by a gay man, it was always easiest when the admission was spontaneous and casusual. The bigger deal that someone made about turning me down, the worse I felt.
Best turndown ever came from my friend Mike.

"I would love to go out with you. But you should know I am gay. Have you ever seen x movie ?" And he was off just being the warm, friendly, guy I knew and loved. We were friends for years after that.

Just be direct and not weird about it. The better you feel about being non-binary and only dating men the easier being direct will be.
 
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Without getting into the whole LGBT thing, just say "no thanks, but you'll find someone shortly" -- It's not her business, esp. as you're not into being outed. If you were straight you still wouldn't be obligated to take her up on the offer.
 
Without getting into the whole LGBT thing, just say "no thanks, but you'll find someone shortly" -- It's not her business, esp. as you're not into being outed. If you were straight you still wouldn't be obligated to take her up on the offer.

I think saying "you'll find someone shortly" sounds too cold and overly dismissive.
"No thanks, but I hope you find a match" is warmer and also gets the point across.
 
@Thinx, your message is a good reminder that the rest of the world doesn't think like I do. I always forget. Dang, what a bummer!

My way is so simple. You are who you are and there is no >/< in the equation. (Though I probably have blindness to by own biases)
 
So how do I explain that A.) I'm not attracted to women, and B.) that I'm not biologically male? I don't want a friendship with her under false pretenses either. I do believe that she would understand but I'm not sure how my other neighbors would feel if they found out.

I would not want to shut any doors yet it can be a brutal world and this is a volatile time. For what it's worth, Jesus said to be innocent as a dove yet shrewd as a snake. The root of the word translated into English as "shrewd" comes from a Hebrew word that means "watchful".

I would start sharing only the info you'd feel comfortable if she did talk about it with your neighbors and feel your way from there. Take your time, no need to move too fast.
 
Another tough one. How about- l would really like to be friends with you. Can we just go with that?

Sometimes we need to stop, not offer explanations, excuses. Just be us. Gay male friends are highly converted in some circles. Be you unabashedly you. Maybe she will accept that too.

I grew up in San Francisco. Gay friends are like a status symbols there. They may be in a drag queen show or setting up the nonprofit funding raising effort to help victims of something. Embrace you.
 
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I'd say you're lucky to have someone showing an interest in you. Where I live, you feel like one guy out of over 9128 guys. Just "another face in a crowd", as the saying goes.
 
Thanks for the replies everyone... I haven't been on here at all because of some things going on in my personal life. I'm back though.
So this situation just kinda got put on the back burner because a lot of other stuff was happening. I wouldn't say it's resolved or anything, but I don't feel that it's much of an issue anymore compared to a lot of other things that came up with other people and other situations that were WAY more problematic. I haven't seen her much either since I've been in and out of the hospital lately. I only saw her once in the past week and we only had a short conversation. But I have much bigger things to worry about at the moment and I realize now how silly my original post sounded. Sorry about that.
 

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