Some days I can't leave the house? Advice?

[Jessica]

I can easily spend days and even weeks without leaving the house, even if I want to go out, I can't. It's like I'm hit with this overwhelming anxiety and fear of going outside, for some time I've even thought I could be borderline agoraphobic. I often find I get like this when I have spent a long time around people, it's like I can only cope with people for a certain amount of time, after that I don't want to expose myself to the chance of social discomfort (if that makes any sense)... Does anyone else feel like this? I just end up hating myself and everyone around me... I need some way of coping but I don't know what to do, it's effecting my college work and attendance and if I carry on avoiding everything I won't be able to go to university etc.

 

[Bay]

This happens to me too. For years I thought it was depression, but I have come to recognize it as anxiety, just as you already have. For me, I think it is my mind's way of telling me to learn to pace myself, something I am still learning to do. The most important thing, however, is that I have decided to listen to my subconscious and take it easy when it is telling me to pull back from people, when I can. In other words, I try not to scold myself any longer for avoiding things, I try to heed the warning signs and take some time off here, a little more there, so that I am not as overwhelmed in the long run. It took me many years to learn to listen to what my mind and body were telling me. We live in a culture where that is not encouraged. But I think that we are a unique group and that we must do so in order to function well.

 

[King_Oni]

I usually don't leave the house unless I have a perfectly good reason to do so, and I have very few reasons. Also, a reason why I end up postponing going to the supermarket is because I really need music on my ipod otherwise I can't really cope with all the noise, but with that I run into the entire "what do I want to listen?" and sometimes I'm not in the mood to listen to anything, and it's pretty much an equally big annoying thing.

So for me, I need actual reasons, and even with that, I need personal reasons as well. If I don't really like where I'm going anyway, I need a lot of ways to even comfort me to get outside. In general I think "fun things' encourage me a bit more, mainly because I already know I'm not leaving the house to end up in awkward situations beforehand.

What also helps getting me outside, is going outside during the night. I like the night a lot more than day, so I usually go for a walk and at least get out a bit that way.

 

[ladydragon]

I do this too, for me it is an anxiety because I become hyper aware of my clumsy nature and I get tired of going out in public because of that plus it is sometimes overwhelming to behave "normal" all the time, I also get hyper aware of people watching me, not sure if they really are watching me or if I just think they are I might have some paranoia too not sure. I go outside much more then I would like to because it is good for my son and also our dog would have nasty poo all over the place if I didn't. Guess for me being forced to go outside and in public helps me to get over it if I do it often enough, but when I let myself stay home and out of the public I start to get comfortable and also anxious about going out.

 

[Caspar]

I have this problem too though I do have commitments that require me to leave the house and go to wherever I need to go. So I am not really qualified to give advice - take it with a few grains of salt...

My advice would be to make it a habit. Do you have to go to the grocery store to buy food? Go to the gym to exercise? Go to class and/or appointments? These things force you to leave your house. Go running/jogging/hiking outdoors. Go swimming in an outdoor facility. Go study at a local park instead of at home. The trick is to be outdoors often enough to make it more comfortable and making into a habit. Habits are hard to break...

 

[epath13]

I think you might need to get some help. I'm not an expert but I think it might get worse if the issue is not addressed. You might need to learn how to deal with situations that you feel anxious about then put that knowledge into practice, eventually you might stop being so anxious.
I don't like staying home all the time, I like being outside but there're times when I felt I had to. When I was afraid of money extorting cops back in Moscow, or gang members and so on around here. But at some point I always had to get over it and get out, I knew I just had to be careful and pay attention. So it wasn't as bad as I thought, as long as I did the right things.

 

[Arashi222]

I am the same way to an extent. I tend to stay home if I can unless of course I have to get out which is usually work. Even then I don't go anywhere unless I have a ride since I am visually impaired so I think part of it is that I don't need to go places unless I can get a ride or a bus somewhere. I learned to cope with it by using music to get around on the bus. But I have to second what Epath13 said. If you think its impairing your function to the point where its bother you that you do it see a therapist about it. They might be able to help you to find ways of coping or the triggering event that happens when you do feel the need to stay in for weeks or days at a time.

 

[Gomendosi]

I can easily spend days and even weeks without leaving the house, even if I want to go out, I can't. It's like I'm hit with this overwhelming anxiety and fear of going outside, for some time I've even thought I could be borderline agoraphobic. I often find I get like this when I have spent a long time around people, it's like I can only cope with people for a certain amount of time, after that I don't want to expose myself to the chance of social discomfort (if that makes any sense)... Does anyone else feel like this? I just end up hating myself and everyone around me... I need some way of coping but I don't know what to do, it's effecting my college work and attendance and if I carry on avoiding everything I won't be able to go to university etc.

When I was a child/ teen, to all intents and purposes, I became a hermit and it was self imposed, I have to hope that you have people in your life if not your household, that you can discuss your current state of being with.
I also cant help but feel you have some grip on the importance of things if you can rationalize the need to remain at school, be sure to keep this as an anchor point through it all as you may need that to remind you where everything originates from if things do get too bad.

I feel weird explaining this because I cant possibly know how bad you are in yourself in relation to how I was, but I answer in the assumption that you wouldn’t be here if things where overwhelming, I mean, I used to barricade my door and sneak out at night to steal food hoping the family wouldn’t catch me, if you’ve reached that point then maybe you could seek professional advice.

 

[Soup]

I'm like most of you in this regard. I can remain at home in the house for days on end. Sometimes I feel great anxiety at the prospect of having to go anywhere so I try to schedule any appointments far apart so I don't have 2 on the same day or on consecutive days. Fortunately, my husband works outside the home & I don't really have to go out most of the time if I don't feel like it. Since we live in the suburbs & I know this area well (grew up around here) I know the days & times when there are likely to be few people lurking about.

Thankfully, due to the internet, so much of our shopping can be done online. Even the pharmacy provides free delivery & there's a grocery store where most things can be ordered online & delivered. Since, they say, its essential for our ultimate mental health to not become a hermit-like shut-in & get out sometimes, I force myself to get up & go out once in a while. I NEVER just 'spontaneously' lose my mind & decide to go hack around in the mall, but I might do like I did today. I made a short list of a few groceries, picked an off hour when there are usually few people, drive myself to the store, park right near the entrance, go in fast, get what I need, use the self-serve cash machine & return home.

As for the person above who is a university student, many courses have an online option. Also, if yours is a big university, it probably has an access centre for students with disabilities. They can arrange with your professors to have you do the lion's share of your work from home, write your exams in a solitary room or even at home in some cases & NOT have to participate in those group assignments & projects from hell. Personally, I work much better on my own at home. I can set up my workspace as I require depending upon the quirk du jour I'm experiencing. Also, this enabled me to do my work when I felt like it whether that was 4 am or noon. The access centre where I studied really was a life-saver (& a sanity preserver). Being an Aspie really doesn't have to ruin your life or destroy your career options. Many people in my area have a home office (my husband has one) with everything they require in it.

Many NTs are overwhelmed & drained from toxic, loud, crowded unpleasant work environments too. Unlike an Aspie who is more likely to be honest about being overwhelmed, these NTs drown their feelings in a heady mixture of anti-anxiety meds & booze & they plod on until they wind up cracking up. We just acknowledge that we're likely to crack up in a given situation & most sensibly, make the logical decision to AVOID THAT SITUATION!

 

[Quintin]

I agree with soup! I've been going through this for my whole life. I have a small group of friends now. People who make me uncomfortable are out! I do avoid some situations but most daily tasks out are ok now. I live in the city so some things I still hate and avoid like public transit!!! I walk or drive. I've done some therapy for Social Anxiety... Grocery shopping used to bother me. I'll go at a less busy time if possible.

 

[Dara]

I can relate to most of the things written in this thread, and that's comforting.

There has been a time when the idea of leaving the house was terrifying, I sometimes forced myself to go out and have a walk or something like that, but even when I succeed all I could think about is hurrying back home.
I was very worried, because I never met anyone like that, and I didn't understand what was happening to me.

Now I leave only when I've something to do, but at least I don't panic.
I don't think I'll ever be one of those people that are able to enjoy the being outdoors in itself, I usually leave to do something and then feel the need to hurry back home.

It's easier for me to find the motivation to go out when I've something interesting to do or when I'm with someone I have fun with. I still have problems leaving for other reasons, like grocery shopping. There are days when I would rather starve than walk to the local mini-market to buy food. :rolleyes2:

 

[supernova]

...My advice would be to make it a habit. Do you have to go to the grocery store to buy food? Go to the gym to exercise? Go to class and/or appointments? These things force you to leave your house. Go running/jogging/hiking outdoors. Go swimming in an outdoor facility. Go study at a local park instead of at home. The trick is to be outdoors often enough to make it more comfortable and making into a habit. Habits are hard to break...

I agree that making it a habit helps, especially if it's something you really need to do. Also, I've found quite small differences help. I used to hate weekly trips with my partner to a supermarket but then we changed supermarkets and the new one has a very attractive restaurant. That's made all the difference for me - knowing that when I've finally gone through the sheer hell of the tills I can relax with a well-made capucchino.

 

[Spinning Compass]

I am afraid that is what is happening with my 80-year-old mother. She has become increasingly reluctant to leave her comfort zone and it is putting additional strain on their marriage as my father does not understand or have any patience with that sort of thing (and he can be a verbally abusive man).

We had it out the other night. She started talking about hardship and inconvenience and not wanting to travel, she's never liked travel. This has been going on for years. I think it started out as a control thing between her and my father because when he retired he made her move to a remote community away from her friends. Of course HE doesn't see it as a problem--he's living where HE always dreamed of living so why shouldn't she feel the same? Plus it put her back in the orbit of her father who was even more verbally abusive . . .

The point is, if something should happen to my father her reclusive tendencies are going to hurt her big time. She has already said that she "can't" leave if something happened to him. She would be stuck BY HERSELF in a small community several hundred miles from any family members who would be able to keep an eye on her. I told her bluntly when she started getting on it's so hard and inconvenient and everyone's so far and she hates to travel that someday she will get her wish. She will be in a situation where she needn't worry about those things. Because she will be in a box six feet under.

Life is full of inconveniences and challenges. But if one wants to go on living one must face these things. Society will GLADLY let you be a recluse if you want to be. Society will look the other way when you die alone and it takes a week or so before anyone investigates the smell coming from your apartment. If you are in a house by yourself it might take even longer. I am sad to say that happened to a relative of my father's.

Please, please, for your own sakes if not for the sakes of those who love you (if you are lucky enough to have those people around you), fight against this fear. Get help if you have to. I have seen what happens to older people when they are alone and isolated. It's not pretty.

 

[supernova]

Spinning Compass. What you say is so true but it isn't easy - paricularly if you are getting older. To the problem of not wanting to go out is added the fact that it can become physically more difficult to do so. In the case of your mother, if there's nothing she really wants to do outside her home it must be difficult for her to make the effort. If you don't have friends then you have to attempt to join groups or clubs and it's no good doing that unless you really want to i.e. the desire to be there is greater than the physical problems of getting there.

 

[landlubber]

I just broke two bones in my foot so I can't go out for two months. I can barely make it to the kitchen. As long as I have the internet I don't mind.

 

[haveyoumettopster]

I think forcing yourself to leave the house is the worst thing you can do. I once went to class when I wasn't mentally ready. I had to give a presentation that day and I had a panic attack. I told myself it was do-or-die--I needed a good grade and I had to go. Little did I know I could not go in front of people and deliver a speech that day. I asked the teacher to postpone my presentation to next class, he said no. Something in me snapped. I went back to my apartment, took 2 months worth of antidepressants within minutes. Next thing I know, I was in a hospital bed looking at my mother's face covered with tears. I haven't improved much since that day. I still can't leave the house regularly, but I don't think about killing myself so much anymore.

 

[iLuvGR33N]

I know this is an older thread. Anyhow, I've dealt with head on agoraphobia. I call myself a recovering agoraphobic actually. It started out slowly, I would have these bouts of leaving my home less & less, & stay inside in the dark, & only go out in the dark. I am diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, & agoraphobia is what they called other aspects of it, but sometimes I think it is not. Sometimes I think it is not BPD that I deal with because I have other different symptoms that are not known where they stem from. I've been in & out of therapy since I was 3. I was diagnosed at 21. I was placed in a special school because I had learning disabilities. Yadda yadda.

I couldn't even get my mail still within the building. I lived in a very small place, I used to pace daily. I used to sleep a ton. I gained weight. I grew tired all of the time. During a large portion of this time I was in DBT (dialectic behavior therapy) twice a week. The group was hard at first, but great. The one on one not so good, & than I found a T that was very effective for me, someone I could trust.

I've always been an observer throughout my whole life. Different. In my own World as people often say, "what color is my sky today?" Why am I so grumpy, & I am not grumpy I am pensive. There is a difference, Helllllo! Anyways, long story short.

I had goals to get my mail, to leave the house daily. I had to re-learn skills that I didn't have growing up on how to handle society I suppose. I use those skills when I wake up, I try to be mindful of them daily, especially if I feel blue. When you trap yourself in your mind too long, other things can start to go astray, you can get sicker mentally & physically, as it all goes hand in hand. It's good to find your own balance though.

I did many other things to get to my next point took a couple of years, but when I was ready, I left the house at about 4:30 in the am to jog, never without my music. I left this early because I didn't have to deal with people. This helped me kill some anxieties, I got back into better physical shape, although never dealing with too much mental aspect - this would hurt me later, but as it is, 4 years later again, & although many many set backs, I always inched forward. I still inch forward, & have new ways of looking at things. I've been working back in society doing a job for a little over a year, I never would have thought possible a few years ago. I still often think, how it is possible, working around so many people that I just don't read very well, or read too much. Hypersensitivity.

I drop things, I am clumsy, nervous, I stutter, I get made fun of for it, people can be cruel, but I am not them, my job is very repetitive & organized so I can do it without an issue, I tremble, & when I can, I won't deal with them. (customers) I go to work, I'm polite, I do my job, I go home, I work out. I eat well. I pay my own bills. I think of work like a game in my head. I work it out.

I am doing very well, & I believe that to also be very important, to acknowledge the work you can do for yourself. & that it's okay to have low's & to be aware of them, & why. I still have drawbacks. I know now though, that 3 days in my home without leaving, is my maximum at this time. I still have to push myself out the door everyday, some days are worse, some days are better. I still worry about relapses. I have them sometimes. I worry about old behaviors, & cycles. I still see a T from time to time, but I've done a lot of the work on my own, & found that my T was there to guide me or be like the parent I never had.

It felt longer, but possibly about 3-4 years where I wouldn't leave my home, & on numerous occasions tried to kill myself. I had someone pick me up every couple of months to get groceries or go to the Doctors. Sometimes I would get groceries delivered to me by the food bank. I was placed on medical. I was on medical for about 6 years. That was my earlier 20's, & now in my late 20's.

I think it is sad that I shut down for so long, & it feels like I wasted a lot of my life, but I had to go through it, to come out in the end or beginning. I wouldn't say to go through it, some say they would do their wrong's ( or a path that they needn't explore) all over again, because the outcome was well worth it. I wouldn't. It was a lonely, sick, & painful place to be in. & I did other things to myself within that time frame, that I also had to recover from.

Things that people say to you have nothing to do with you, people speak their own insecurities. Hence do not take it personally. (listen) ~ Me C. Green 2009 (c)

If you're not Weird, you're not Normal, now that's Weird. ~ Me C.Green 2010 (c)

 

[NeverEnder]

I can easily spend days and even weeks without leaving the house, even if I want to go out, I can't. It's like I'm hit with this overwhelming anxiety and fear of going outside, for some time I've even thought I could be borderline agoraphobic. I often find I get like this when I have spent a long time around people, it's like I can only cope with people for a certain amount of time, after that I don't want to expose myself to the chance of social discomfort (if that makes any sense)... Does anyone else feel like this? I just end up hating myself and everyone around me... I need some way of coping but I don't know what to do, it's effecting my college work and attendance and if I carry on avoiding everything I won't be able to go to university etc.

I am housebound, generally. I work from home so that also gives me an excuse not to leave.

Sometimes I will find that a whole week has gone by and I have not even set foot on the front porch to get the mail.

I have fears of the outdoors, specifically people and cars (I live in a VERY busy area); On the other hand, I feel life is passing me by as the days inside tick by. I am not entirely against my lifestyle but I think it ingrains itself the longer it continues therefore making it harder to leave the house when I must. Honestly, I'm not sure what to do about it-- This lifestyle is so comforting to me. :happy: Maybe TOO comforting. :timebomb:

 

[Mitch]

I am housebound, generally. I work from home so that also gives me an excuse not to leave.

Sometimes I will find that a whole week has gone by and I have not even set foot on the front porch to get the mail.

I have fears of the outdoors, specifically people and cars (I live in a VERY busy area); On the other hand, I feel life is passing me by as the days inside tick by. I am not entirely against my lifestyle but I think it ingrains itself the longer it continues therefore making it harder to leave the house when I must. Honestly, I'm not sure what to do about it-- This lifestyle is so comforting to me. :happy: Maybe TOO comforting. :timebomb:

Sounds like me!
Today my therapist asked me to make a list with activities and place them in a 0% to 100% (0, 10, 20, 30 etc.) anxiety scale. Of course almost all of them were outside activities... :rolleyes2: Then she gave them points ranging from 1 to 10 (as expected, 10 points for the 100% anxiety activity) and asked me to try and do these activities and keeping scores on a weekly base. Starting slowly with doing one of these activities in the first week and work from there. By keeping track of these activities weekly you can see if you are making progress and (hopefully) be more motivated to go outside. It's all on a 'give it a try' base. Perhaps this is also something you (and others) would like to try?

 

[Lars]

I find that when I have to do things, (work, appointments,etc.) I have less anxiety about leaving the house. The ritual replaces the anxiety, and I become more nervous if I don't stay with the ritual. On my days off I usually try to make plans that involve going outside, forcing myself to face my fears. Some days are better than others, but the more I do it the better I get. Don't forget that you are not alone with this problem. It will get better as you get older. I used to feel like everyone was watching me when I walked down a busy street, it made me clumsy and too self-aware. I forced myself to walk around town every day, until it became a ritual. Now, I rarely feel the same paranoia. Try it, and remember that you can always go home when you want to.