Socially Awkward NT dating Male w/ Aspergers HELP w/ the Silence

[mourn]

[Very long, I’m sorry, but could really use some help]

Hello all,

So I’ve done research of my own, but having severe anxiety (I’m on medication) and depression I often forget to think rationally about things and I guess I’m just looking for reassurance or something.

I’m NT for the most part dating a male with Aspergers and depression (both diagnosed), we’ve been dating for about 2 months and met online. A little background of him is that he’s been cheated on by every girl he’s dated. I am not a cheater and made it clear to him that I’m not and did all I could to make him feel comfortable and happy which seemed to work. But I knew that gaining his full trust and locking down the relationship would be a struggle because of his past, but I was confident because I am a honest person (I don’t get the point in lying, it was one of the things we bonded over).

3 weeks ago we deleted our dating profiles and things seemed great, I mean he didn’t text as much but I equated that to him getting more comfortable, but that didn’t stop my anxiety from taking over. He’d reassure me whenever I felt anxious and it made me feel better.

When we’re together in person it’s amazing. We’d talk about doing things togeher in the future, meeting my parents, I met his best friend recently and his BF said how he approved of our relationship, and he’d act playfully possessive of me (grabbing my butt and growling at cars passing by, he’s a weirdo but that’s why I like him). He’d basically do things that made me think he wanted to be together. But when we’re apart now (wasn’t like this during the beginning of our relationship) he says he’s too busy, he’s been feeling weird (stressed and depressed), and his phone has been acting up to message and honestly I believe him. He even mentioned that he’s not good at texting and does it to his friend and family, which he does. I’d tell him I understand and he’d thank me for being understanding.

2 weeks ago, his dad’s girlfriend’s mom died and he felt very guilty about that and I reassured him and tried to be that rock. I wanted to bring up my feelings and how I wanted us to improve our communication, but didn’t want to add to the stress so I decided to tell him the next week...

However, that next week, his best friend gets in a car crash. I stay with him until he finds out what hospital he’s in and he’s thankful that I was that rock for him and I told him to keep me up to date. Which he did a little. I still hadn’t told him about my feelings and wanting to work on communication, but I did mention to him that we had to talk about that and he said of course.

A week later, last Wednesday we talked because I was feeling anxious, I told him about how I was scared he was going to ghost me and he reassured me, told me he was still there for me that he’s just been busy. I felt better and felt even more confident in our relationship when he mentioned how we were going to do a costume together for the party me and my sister were gonna throw towards the end of the month. We were even planning on going to Six Flags with my friends next Monday.

Whenever I really needed to talk to him he was there for me and would always make me feel better. He told me he’d tell me when I started to annoy him and he says that he understand my feelings.

So I’m chilling, but then Friday there was a misunderstanding and he calls me and explains that he didn’t mean to make it seem like he was ignoring me. We talk and it’s like normal like great. Joking and everything. I mention that we needed to meet up tomorrow to talk about improving our relationship he said I know but it’s been hard because he has to meet up with his dad and he’s not sure if they’re gonna see each other. So I told him that we could figure it out in the morning.

Saturday comes, I message him to no response. I call and it goes to voicemail. I’m confused because things have been going great and I know he’d tell me if he were done with me because that’s the kind of person I got from him. We haven’t spoken since late Friday night. It’s been 5 days since we last spoke. I left a final message on his Snapchat and instagram (which he made Saturday and I found on my suggestions, but I’m not equating it to him wanting to leave) apologizing for my anxious behavior and explaining why I was acting that way. I told him I understand if he needs alone time, but to just let me know so I don’t think there’s anything wrong with us.

Basically, I’m just worried. I’ve read that going silent is normal for someone with aspergers when they feel overwhelmed. I can imagine feeling overwhelmed dealing with someone as anxious as I am. He mentioned how stress he felt because of work, moving out, family, his friend, and I’m guessing he’s been feeling depressed as well because of everything going on. Not to mention dating someone new, me. So I’m just guessing he’s cooling down before dealing with our issues.

We just recently got out of the honeymoon phase so I believe that both of us can feel a shift in the dynamic. We both are slowly moving towards being boyfriend and girlfriend but him withdrawing made me anxious and made me take it personally. I just want to know if this is actually normal behavior. I seriously plan on getting a better hold of my anxiety and writing down notes to reassure myself when I feel anxious about his behavior. I thought I was past having my anxiety take over, but I guess not. Like I said our relationship is great, he’s so understanding, sweet, and is always telling me how great I am and how he likes being with me that’s why I can’t imagine this silence is due to him being done with me. Overwhelmed and annoyed, maybe, but not done.

So the question towards someone with aspergers: do you disengage when you feel overwhelmed by social interactions? How long does it take for you to contact people after isolating yourself? If you’ve been in a relationship, do you pull away when feeling overwhelmed by relationshipy issues?

And the questions towards NT folks: have you dealt with something similar to my situation? What do you recommend doing during these moments of silence?

Sorry this is so long, but as I said I have anxiety and I’m socially awkward so whenever I enter a situation I don’t understand, I do research. I’m scared that he grew frustrated with me without telling me and I wasn’t able to show that I can change and improve. I just wanted to work out a system for our communication and try and understand him more.

Thanks and sorry again for this veeeerrryyy long post lol

 

[Judge]

So the question towards someone with aspergers: do you disengage when you feel overwhelmed by social interactions? How long does it take for you to contact people after isolating yourself? If you’ve been in a relationship, do you pull away when feeling overwhelmed by relationshipy issues?

Absolutely. Especially if I'm under stress from things which can be utterly unrelated to my relationships with others. The challenge for you is twofold:

1. Be patient
2. Try not to take it personally.

How long? No way to tell. Probably dependent upon the source of most of my stress at any one time. When it dissipates, my ability to be social improves. Too much social stress and I can be prone to a shutdown, although that hasn't happened to me in a long time.

 

[Keigan]

Here are some things to research and feel your way through:
- you are clearly empathic
- your partner is probably not empathic

Research the following and in order:
- Aspergers Syndrome, empathy challenges as a trait
- Alexithymia
- Casandra Syndrome, specifically emotional reciprocation
- write down your emotional needs

I suspect the your partner speaks with the words “I think the apple is a bright red” and does not speak with the words “I feel the warmth of the apple”.

As an empathic, your needs are not being met by your partners current responses, to counter your anxiety you are pouring in more requests to communicate by stalking him on every communication channel available - as noted in the following quote:

Saturday comes, I message him to no response. I call and it goes to voicemail. I’m confused because things have been going great and I know he’d tell me if he were done with me because that’s the kind of person I got from him. We haven’t spoken since late Friday night. It’s been 5 days since we last spoke. I left a final message on his Snapchat and instagram (which he made Saturday and I found on my suggestions, but I’m not equating it to him wanting to leave) apologizing for my anxious behavior and explaining why I was acting that way. I told him I understand if he needs alone time, but to just let me know so I don’t think there’s anything wrong with us

All that does is impose more Presure on your partner, to communicate and if your partner is already withdrawn, then they will withdraw more.

If the relationship is not strong enough for the basic exchange of communication, then you have to consider that:
- it is not the right time for you to be with your partner
- it is not the right time for your partner to be with you

If you continue to withhold your emotional needs then you will slowly disappear until your soul can’t take anymore.

 

[mourn]

Absolutely. Especially if I'm under stress from things which can be utterly unrelated to my relationships with others. The challenge for you is twofold:

1. Be patient
2. Try not to take it personally.

How long? No way to tell. Probably dependent upon the source of most of my stress at any one time. When it dissipates, my ability to be social improves. Too much social stress and I can be prone to a shutdown, although that hasn't happened to me in a long time.

Thank you for your response this does make me feel a bit better. I think he must have shut down. I’m just scared that since he blocked me over the phone (I think since it goes to voicemail) that he’s sick of me, but I’m guessing blocking people out is part of the shut down?

 

[Judge]

Thank you for your response this does make me feel a bit better. I think he must have shut down. I’m just scared that since he blocked me over the phone (I think since it goes to voicemail) that he’s sick of me, but I’m guessing blocking people out is part of the shut down?

Yes. That's when we don't want to interact with ANYONE for much of ANY reason. It's why you must not take it personally. That's it's about him- not you. When we get too stressed it can happen. Socialization can be inherently draining for us even under the nicest of circumstances. So if we're stressed it's something we just withdraw from, and sometimes in a hurry. Though you must understand this isn't a "cookie-cutter" condition. We all have various traits and behaviors and can manifest them with different intensities.

 

[mourn]

Here are some things to research and feel your way through:
- you are clearly empathic
- your partner is probably not empathic

Research the following and in order:
- Aspergers Syndrome, empathy challenges as a trait
- Alexithymia
- Casandra Syndrome, specifically emotional reciprocation
- write down your emotional needs

I suspect the your partner speaks with the words “I think the apple is a bright red” and does not speak with the words “I feel the warmth of the apple”.

As an empathic, your needs are not being met by your partners current responses, to counter your anxiety you are pouring in more requests to communicate by stalking him on every communication channel available - as noted in the following quote:


All that does is impose more Presure on your partner, to communicate and if your partner is already withdrawn, then they will withdraw more.

If the relationship is not strong enough for the basic exchange of communication, then you have to consider that:
- it is not the right time for you to be with your partner
- it is not the right time for your partner to be with you

If you continue to withhold your emotional needs then you will slowly disappear until your soul can’t take anymore.

Yeah I decided to give him his space, wont be messaging him anymore. I just needed answers, so I’m hoping he’d understand that. But yeah, I decided to give him space and when we eventually talk I’m going to be open about my feelings because I believe we can work through this.

 

[mourn]

Here are some things to research and feel your way through:
- you are clearly empathic
- your partner is probably not empathic

Research the following and in order:
- Aspergers Syndrome, empathy challenges as a trait
- Alexithymia
- Casandra Syndrome, specifically emotional reciprocation
- write down your emotional needs

I suspect the your partner speaks with the words “I think the apple is a bright red” and does not speak with the words “I feel the warmth of the apple”.

As an empathic, your needs are not being met by your partners current responses, to counter your anxiety you are pouring in more requests to communicate by stalking him on every communication channel available - as noted in the following quote:


All that does is impose more Presure on your partner, to communicate and if your partner is already withdrawn, then they will withdraw more.

If the relationship is not strong enough for the basic exchange of communication, then you have to consider that:
- it is not the right time for you to be with your partner
- it is not the right time for your partner to be with you

If you continue to withhold your emotional needs then you will slowly disappear until your soul can’t take anymore.

I unfollowed him from Instagram in order to show that I’m giving him his space.

 

[Judge]

I unfollowed him from Instagram in order to show that I’m giving him his space.

It may serve you better to simply do nothing but be patient. He might misinterpret such a thing. But I can only speculate on that- or him.

 

[mourn]

It may serve you better to simply do nothing but be patient. He might misinterpret such a thing. But I can only speculate on that- or him.

Yuh-oh :S should I just explain why I unfollowed him? I feel like that’d help instead of just re-following. I’m just trying to remedy the situation. Get him to open up again.

 

[Keigan]

I unfollowed him from Instagram in order to show that I’m giving him his space.

Unfollowing someone is just drama, your emotions did that.

Deep breath.

Hold off on any actions that could drive a wedge deeper between you.

If he does not surface and respond, then you are not missing much and you need to look at everything that occurred and find the evidence that “things are great” over the perception of

 

[Keigan]

Go do the research before doing anything else.

 

[mourn]

Go do the research before doing anything else.

Thanks I will :S

 

[OlLiE]

personally i ask my girlfriend politely to leave me alone for a certain period, i find it's easier to inform someone in advance rather than deal with the fallout of just isolating myself, at least if they know that you need to be left alone a bit, you won't have to see the messages on your phone piling up, which i find stressful in and of itself

it takes time in a relationship to figure out your partner and how they differ fro your initial perception, at the end of the day a relationship is not the beginning period, rather the longer term acceptance of each other when you've both seen the best and worst the other has to offer

i tend to only communicate when i have something to say, i.e. not banter, i enjoy the time that i spend with her, but not seeing her and being on my own does not make me feel unhappy, that really weirded her out when she asked about my behaviour, i had to explain that my motto is 'if you can't change it, don't worry about it', why should i feel miserable about not being with my girlfriend if she's at work and can't be there,

it's a girl thing, i've encountered it in most of my relationships, for love to be love i should feel miserable whenever i'm not with her, a man's love for a woman is only love if it involves the man feeling pain when he's not wth her, women tend to feel uncertain about their relationship if they don't think that the man will feel pain if it ends, utter nonsense, it's just evolution, women generally instinctively want men to stick around if they have a child (even if today this is less often the case), if men don't seem emotionally invested in the relationship, the higher likelihood that they could abandon their partner and the higher the 'anxiety' and this instinct applies to most of the relationship, if the guy is on the spectrum and 'inherently' is less emotionally invested then i guess that would be an automatic trigger for anxiety/uncertainty for a partner that is not on the spectrum

at the end of the day if he says he's there for you, that's pretty much what he means, emotional bla bla is pointless,

the one thing i wondered when reading your text,
where do you draw the line between anxiety and trust?
i understand that showing 'emotional attachment ' sends a stronger message of commitment than words, but its possible he is more of a words guy than an emotional exhibitionhist (that's how i am)
at the end of the day, can he ever earn your trust adequately to make your anxiety go away,
if he cannot then to be blunt the problem is yours and not his

personally i would approach it from an empirical point of view:
variability tends to be higher in the beginning of a relationship,
the longer your are together, the better you know each other, the less variability
once you've both accepted yourself and your partner, i guess the lower the chance of breaking up, so if he:
- is honest to you,
- there is progression in getting to know each other and mutual acceptance
- is given the time to actually prove his reliability
then i would guess that over time that should give you more ground for more trust and less anxiety

to be honest to expect that there would be complete trust, i.e. removal of uncertainty, after two months is unrealistic, i've been with my gf for seven years and there are still times that I raise an eyebrow and vice versa, it just happens less and less as the relationship progresses

 

[mourn]

personally i ask my girlfriend politely to leave me alone for a certain period, i find it's easier to inform someone in advance rather than deal with the fallout of just isolating myself, at least if they know that you need to be left alone a bit, you won't have to see the messages on your phone piling up, which i find stressful in and of itself

it takes time in a relationship to figure out your partner and how they differ fro your initial perception, at the end of the day a relationship is not the beginning, rather the acceptance of each other when you've both seen the best and worst the other has to offer

i tend to only communicate when i have something to say, i.e. not banter, i enjoy the time that i spend with her, but not seeing her and being on my own does not make me feel unhappy, that really weirded her out when she asked about my behaviour, i had to explain that my motto is 'if you can't change it, don't worry about it', why should i feel miserable about not being with my girlfriend if she's at work and can't be there, it's a girl thing i know, for love to be love i should feel miserable whenever i'm not with her, utter nonsense

at the end of the day if he says he's there for you, that's pretty much what he means, emotional bla bla is pointless,

the one thing i wondered one thing when reading your text,
where do you draw the line between anxiety and trust?
i understand that showing 'emotional attachment ' sends a stronger message of commitment than words, but its possible he is more of a words guy than an emotional exhibitionhist (that's how i am)
at the end of the day, can he ever earn your trust adequately to make your anxiety go away,
if he cannot then to be blunt the problem is yours and not his

personally i would approach it from an empirical point of view:
variability tends to be higher in the beginning of a relationship,
the longer your are together, the better you know each other, the less variability
once you've both accepted yourself and your partner, i guess the lower the chance of breaking up, so if he:
- is honest to you,
- there is progression in getting to know each other and mutual acceptance
- is given the time to actually prove his reliability
then i would guess that should give you more ground for more trust and less anxiety

Very true. I know the issue is mostly mine. Anxiety and trust is a very fine line I’d think. Living in a household where most of my family would make me question if people meant what they said and had me doubting myself constantly. And then dealing with relationships where I was constantly lied to, it’s skewed my perception. I thought I was past that when I met him, but I guess not.

Since posting this I’ve done research on this forum and have gained security in what I’ve read. I guess I listened too much to my NT friends and thought that he was at fault and ended up projecting past relationships on him instead of trusting my gut and knowing that he either needs space, dealing with something, or his phone is acting up or shut off (since he’s been having financial difficulties recently as well).

I feel more prepared than ever and this whole fiasco has opened my eyes to my issues and made me want to get a better handle of my anxiety and put my therapy more into practice. I was just putting him into a box of dating, thinking that he was supposed to act in an NT way when I should’ve just accepted his own way of expressing love and that he means what he says. Hes earned my trust since reading these posts as I now know he’s not lying when he says what he says and honestly my gut never told me that he is a liar or harmful. I guess I just needed the facts to back up because I’m socially awkward and reading up on people and situations helps me to understand and calm down... I just hope I’m not too late as he’s been pretty patient and understanding of my anxious outbursts :S

 

[pjcnet]

Since I don't know your BF personally I can only speculate and what I have to say may not be accurate, but here goes...

Sorry if I sound insensitive, but he probably doesn't like the pressure of you pushing to improve communication in the relationship Etc. and he may not be comfortable to talk about feelings. He is unlikely to say so for fear that you won't take it well, but if it annoys, worries or upsets him too much he is likely to just start avoiding you. Also you seem to be trying so hard to make the relationship work with so much fear that you might break up, constantly looking for reassurance, that it can ultimately cause a break up. I would take things easy, try not to put any pressure on him and he should eventually come around, when he does try to go with the flow, don't talk about things to improve the relationship and let the relationship improve naturally over time at a slow pace. Take him for how he is, don't try to make him change unless he specifically asks for help in doing so, but yes, be there if he needs you or wants to talk (he's been through a lot recently and may not be comfortable talking about it, give him time and don't pressure him to share his feelings, eventually he will in his own time). Feel free to take an interest if he has a special interest, but don't try too hard either, E.g. you are suddenly into everything he is, be yourself and if it is meant to work it will between you even if you have different interests (you can't force it). Try not to be offended if he insensitively doesn't seem to trust you for a good while, trust should come over time even if he has been hurt in the past, unfortunately with many aspies it's very common to be taken advantage of (I know from experience), he's most likely been in a relationship in the past where he's finally trusted his partner only for it to be yet again thrown back in his face, each time this happens it will be significantly longer before he will trust a partner again, he may feel that he will never ever trust again, but that doesn't mean he won't eventually. Finally he may come across as generally insensitive at times which may not be purposeful, try to be patient and don't take it personally.

I wish you the very best of luck!

 

[mourn]

Since I don't know your BF personally I can only speculate and what I have to say may not be accurate, but here goes...

Sorry if I sound insensitive, but he probably doesn't like the pressure of you pushing to improve communication in the relationship and he may not be comfortable to talk about feelings, but he is unlikely to say so for fear that you won't take it well, if it annoys, worries or upsets him too much he is likely to just start avoiding you. Also you seem to be trying so hard to make the relationship work with so much fear that you might break up, constantly looking for reassurance, that it can ultimately cause a break up. I would take things easy, try not to put any pressure on him and he should eventually come around, when he does try to go with the flow, don't talk about things to improve the relationship and let the relationship improve naturally over time at a slow pace. Take him for how he is, don't try to make him change unless he specifically asks for help in doing so, but yes, be there if he needs you or wants to talk. Feel free to take an interest if he has a special interest, but don't try too hard either, E.g. you are suddenly into everything he is, be yourself and if it is meant to work it will between you even if you have different interests (you can't force it). Try not to be offended if he insensitively doesn't seem to trust you for a good while, trust should come over time even if he has been hurt in the past, unfortunately with many aspies it's very common to be taken advantage of (I know from experience), he's most likely been in a relationship in the past where he's finally trusted his partner only for it to be yet again thrown back in his face, each time this happens it will be significantly longer before he will trust a partner again. Finally he may come across as generally insensitive at times which may not be purposeful, try to be patient and don't take it personally.

I wish you the very best of luck!

Thanks, you’re right. I just got so scared, but I should’ve done research instead and trusted him and our relationship. I’ve learned to just go with the flow since reading other posts on the forum. Now I’m just scared that I’ve scared him off with pressuring him and that my anxiety ruined another relationship, but idk maybe he just needs time to calm down or something before coming back into the relationship. Like I said he seemed fine the last time we spoke, but it’s been 5 days since then and not a peep from him.

 

[pjcnet]

Thanks, you’re right. I just got so scared, but I should’ve done research instead and trusted him and our relationship. I’ve learned to just go with the flow since reading other posts on the forum. Now I’m just scared that I’ve scared him off with pressuring him and that my anxiety ruined another relationship, but idk maybe he just needs time to calm down or something before coming back into the relationship. Like I said he seemed fine the last time we spoke, but it’s been 5 days since then and not a peep from him.

When contacting him, even if it's just an SMS or online message, talk positively about something other than the relationship directly and don't mention anything about it being ages since talking. If he doesn't reply, leave it a day and send another 100% positive message. He probably needs reassurance that everything is fine and that there's no pressure, but you can't say that everything is fine as this makes it look like there is or at least was an issue (so don't mention it). Try to think more positively yourself too as this will often rub off onto everything and everyone around you and will in turn reward you with more positive things in life.

PS: I am personally not a great fan of antidepressant medication, from experience and from observing others it's a quick and cheap short term fix that doesn't really resolve anything and can in fact make things worse in the long run. I would look for a good charity and/or support group that truly want to help people who suffer with anxiety and depression, rather than just chucking them out of the door with pills, such organisations and groups can truly help.

 

[mourn]

When contacting him, even if it's just an SMS or online message, talk positively about something other than the relationship directly and don't mention anything about it being ages since talking. If he doesn't reply, leave it a day and send another 100% positive message. He probably needs reassurance that everything is fine and that there's no pressure, but you can't say that everything is fine as this makes it look like there is or at least was an issue (so don't mention it). Try to think more positively yourself too as this will often rub off onto everything and everyone around you and will in turn reward you with more positive things in life.

PS: I am personally not a great fan of antidepressant medication, from experience and from observing others it's a quick and cheap short term fix that doesn't really resolve anything and can in fact make things worse in the long run. I would look for a good charity and/or support group that truly want to help people who suffer with anxiety and depression, rather than just chucking them out of the door with pills, such organisations and groups can truly help.

Thank you so much for the advice. I’m always scared that I’ll come off as a pest. The last thing I left it as was that I was sorry if he felt overwhelmed and that I’m here for him and like spending time with him and I understand that he’s here for me. I sent that today earlier. Would you recommend sending Snapchat snaps to him? Like light hearted ones. The last time he distanced himself I sent a light hearted pic or message through Snapchat and after awhile he responded and apologized for being distant.

Yeah, I used to be in a group, but now my anxiety is keeping me from going again but I feel that I should.

 

[pjcnet]

Thank you so much for the advice. I’m always scared that I’ll come off as a pest. The last thing I left it as was that I was sorry if he felt overwhelmed and that I’m here for him and like spending time with him and I understand that he’s here for me. I sent that today earlier. Would you recommend sending Snapchat snaps to him? Like light hearted ones. The last time he distanced himself I sent a light hearted pic or message through Snapchat and after awhile he responded and apologized for being distant.

Yeah, I used to be in a group, but now my anxiety is keeping me from going again but I feel that I should.

Yes snapchats sound good with no more talking about the relationship itself. Regarding the group, perhaps if that group is making you anxious about attending you could try another, not every group is going to be good for everyone, we are all unique.

PS: You won't come off as a pest here asking for advice, that's one of the main purposes of this forum.

 

[OlLiE]

Very true. I know the issue is mostly mine. Anxiety and trust is a very fine line I’d think. Living in a household where most of my family would make me question if people meant what they said and had me doubting myself constantly. And then dealing with relationships where I was constantly lied to, it’s skewed my perception. I thought I was past that when I met him, but I guess not.

Since posting this I’ve done research on this forum and have gained security in what I’ve read. I guess I listened too much to my NT friends and thought that he was at fault and ended up projecting past relationships on him instead of trusting my gut and knowing that he either needs space, dealing with something, or his phone is acting up or shut off (since he’s been having financial difficulties recently as well).

I feel more prepared than ever and this whole fiasco has opened my eyes to my issues and made me want to get a better handle of my anxiety and put my therapy more into practice. I was just putting him into a box of dating, thinking that he was supposed to act in an NT way when I should’ve just accepted his own way of expressing love and that he means what he says. Hes earned my trust since reading these posts as I now know he’s not lying when he says what he says and honestly my gut never told me that he is a liar or harmful. I guess I just needed the facts to back up because I’m socially awkward and reading up on people and situations helps me to understand and calm down... I just hope I’m not too late as he’s been pretty patient and understanding of my anxious outbursts :S

My GF and I have been together for 7 years, she's NT and also has anxiety, one the first things i said to her after a couple of weeks was that i intend to live my life in a way that makes me happy, i don't care what makes 'normal' people happy nor do i intend to 'keep up with the jones', we will define what we need for our relationship to be happy for us, our relationship has worked because we've managed to create a conversation space between us where we can talk about things openly without having to fear that a certain statement includes a degree of judgement, i may not 'feel' things the ways she does but i can understand why she is feeling a certain emotion, we understand that we will both have to make concessions on certain things and that we will both need to be understanding of each other uncertainties without enabling them though