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socially and emotionally immature

Discussion in 'Help and Support' started by phantom, Jan 30, 2021.

  1. phantom

    phantom Member

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    I feel like socially and emotionally im just a child, i do my best to hide it but sometimes it comes up and i drop the spaghetti big time. I feel so embarrassed by all my social and emotional mistakes that i have made

    I was talking to a girl on the internet for a while and in the beginning everything was fine, but after we started talking about having feelings for each other and it become a little more serious everything came crashing down. I will spare everyone the details because they are very cringe.

    Even if i ever manage to find someone irl that is interested in me im just gonna mess everything up with my emotional immaturity. I also feel like some people resent me because of it. What if i am never going to grow up.

    People always seem like me when they first meet me, but after a while when i drop the spaghetti or they notice my social and emotional issues they start hating me.

    Im just a big fat man baby.
     
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  2. Nervous Rex

    Nervous Rex High-functioning autistic V.I.P Member

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    I used close to those exact same words when I first saw the counselor who diagnosed me with autism. I said I'm intellectually very advanced, but emotionally, I look at myself sometimes and think, "What am I? A two-year-old?"

    But I'm not incapable - I'm just slow to figure out the emotional and social side of things. After some social situation (sometimes weeks after), I'll realize what someone was implying or how someone was feeling in the situation and figure out how to do better next time. I've gotten enough of those under my belt that I can do pretty well now - it just took some time.
     
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  3. Mia

    Mia Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    First welcome. You need to stop calling yourself unhelpful things like 'big fat man baby.' As well as anything else that's derogatory with your inner dialogue. It won't help you to function in the world and have relationships with others.

    This kind of inner dialogue can sometimes help if it's constructive but not overtly critical. If it's constructive as in 'I need to work on that problem' then it helps to hear it and work gradually towards changing it.

    It's not impossible to do. There are many articles online that can be found and read and are helpful in a general way. If you are willing to do the work, it can aid you. Only stop listening to other people opinions about who they think you are, only you can know that. We all change over time, and people mature at their own pace.
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2021
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  4. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    What does it mean to "drop the spaghetti?" It sounds hilarious.
     
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  5. Crossbreed

    Crossbreed Neur-D Missionary ☝️

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    A "faux pasta," perhaps...? ;)
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2021
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  6. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    It's pretty good that you have noticed this, I don't recall noticing that about myself until much later in life. On some levels it's still true, but on others, as @Nervous Rex said, I have been able to learn fast and make adjustments. You are already doing that. Next time you will be saying to yourself, careful how you handle this, remember how it went wrong last time, be cool...
     
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  7. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Welcome phantom!

    The discription of being intellectually very mature, but, socially and emotionally immature seems
    to fit many of us.
    I always felt like I was born grown intellectually, but, emotionally I never really grew up.
    Some things changed as I grew older, but, I've always said I'm stuck at about 13 otherwise.

    I've learned to live with it. Yes, you can mask and seem like everyone else when needed, but, that
    is tiresome and won't last forever.
    I know what you mean "drop the sphagetti." It embarassed me when I was younger because
    it would earn an insult or being made fun of.
    But, I grew not to let it bother me.
    What changed, changed, but, I could never figure out how to make yourself what you aren't.
    So I learned to accept myself and never felt guilty about it.

    What if you never grow up? I presume you don't mean physically?
    You must mean emotionally?
    I say, so what, if I wasn't one of the cool kids? Or I didn't grow up to want a family
    with the dog and a white picket fence, 3 kids- one of each?
    I'm not trying to please the world. Work on what pleases you so you can be comfortable
    with YOU.

    We've all got our own unique ways to contribute to the world.
    But, don't let the world tell you what you ought to be.
    Work towards what you want to be.
     
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  8. clg114

    clg114 Still crazy, after all these years. Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    Don't be so hard on yourself. As far as I can tell, almost everyone is immature at your age. My wife is always telling me to grow up and I am 75. The point is, give yourself some time.
     
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  9. Markness

    Markness Young God

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    You aren’t alone in feeling like this. I was the same at 20 (I am 32 now.) and though I’ve gotten better, I still feel like it at times, especially if I am tired from work. I would say try to give yourself a break. It’s not our fault we were born on the spectrum and society still needs to catch up on learning about us.
     
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  10. Crossbreed

    Crossbreed Neur-D Missionary ☝️

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  11. AprilR

    AprilR Well-Known Member

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    It's okay to mess up socially, especially when you are on the spectrum. If you are having trouble with emotions you might have alexithymia which is also common among people on the spectrum. I think you shouldn't beat yourself over this.
     
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  12. Gracey

    Gracey Well-Known Member

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    Use your social and emotional mistakes as opportunities to learn.
    The cringe-worthy stuff is the best teacher :)

    Your brain believes anything you tell it.
    Define yourself as that 'man baby' and hey presto ! you walk the walk and talk the talk.
    Be kinder to yourself and understand emotional maturity isn't instantly downloaded like an app,
    it's learned over time and through experiences.

    Give yourself a break when dropping spaghetti. It's allowed and perfectly acceptable while you're still learning to juggle it.

    When chatting online to women, be more yourself,
    and not who you think they want to chat with.
    You'll only feel disappointed with yourself when you can't maintain the act.

    Treat yourself with some respect because you deserve it :)
     
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  13. WolfSpirit

    WolfSpirit Not a dictionary. Or a search engine

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    The only two pieces of advice i have at the moment, as it's 4 am, and I really should try the sleep thing eventually ( not that you asked for any advice) are: one thing I heard another autistic say at a presentation once, (paraphrased) : "one of the advantages of being developmentally delayed us that I get to keep learning longer into my life than most people do, and it gives us more chances to get things 'right'".

    And something that was my favourite response to any social faux pas, early after my diagnosis: "I'm autistic. I'm supposed to be socially inept!" :D. Not as an excuse per se, but more of an explanation, a mental redirect. A way to 'let myself off the hook' for things I couldn't help, or prevent. It helped me to stop focusing on everything I did wrong, and every time I screwed up, even in a minor way, and start focusing on how often I got it right, and how hard i was trying to get things right. After a while I didn't need to use it any more.

    While it did also help other people learn to stop expecting NT behaviour from me that was beyond me, it was mainly for my own benefit, and explanation. A way to relieve needless guilt for stuff that wasn't my fault. It was a part of learning to advpcate for myself, I guess, if you want to look at it that way. Given that i wasn't diagnosed until adulthood.
     
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  14. Gift2humanity

    Gift2humanity Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I also feel like socially and emotionally immature and I an in my 50's, errors wrong choices gullible etc. It's a handicap isn't it, ive made practical mistakes too.

    Don't be hard on yourself with the online girl.

    Have you looked online for resources for emotional intelligence and intuition is useful too.

    I felt like everyone hated me at school but talking to them on fb it seems the opposite, if we hate ourselves it seems the world hates us.
     
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  15. phantom

    phantom Member

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    Im not sure how to respond but thanks for the replies.
     
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  16. Ephraim Becker

    Ephraim Becker Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Someone in my high school I last went to 7 years ago hated me for being immature and turned the whole school against me resulting in me having no friends.
     
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  17. Gift2humanity

    Gift2humanity Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    My heart breaks for you. I was told I was hated a lot so sad.
    Did you read fiction as a child? Children have read fiction often benefits socially and emotionally.
     
  18. Ephraim Becker

    Ephraim Becker Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I read Harry Potter and binge watched Star Trek tv shows.
     
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  19. Bibliophile715

    Bibliophile715 Armin - system member - any pronouns

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    ...are you me? Something similar like that happened to me in grade school, middle school, and high school, I think. As no one in school was my friend or would willingly talk to me about any of my interests. I just know people talked about me behind my back not in a good way, because I could hear them whispering and tilting their head/giving me mean glances behind their shoulder at me when I got closer to them in hallways.

    I have been seen as socially and emotionally immature before also because a lot of the people in my area like sports and I don't like sports (the majority of the other NTs in my area enjoy sports even). I don't mind that others are socially and emotionally immature as well because not everyone needs to be socially and emotionally mature to have interests they like or interactions with others.

    As of this moment, I don't have the emotional capacity to have romantic feelings for anyone besides a platonic crush. I'm 20 years old. I get it. It is going to be a very, very long time before I am in a relationship with someone else.

    I reread parts of Harry Potter. I watch cartoons such as my little pony still and I plan to watch Naruto after reading some of the manga. I mainly read Young Adult books even though to some I am no longer a young adult. I don't care that my interests may seem like they're young for me sometimes because I still enjoy them.
     
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  20. Gift2humanity

    Gift2humanity Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    you are only 20 and young and you have a lot of your life ahead of you. do things you enjoy and people with your interests will naturally gravitate towards you you whether you want them to are not because when you are doing stuff you enjoy you losing test in the triviality of neuro typical socialisation.