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Social norms

Sherlock77

Sherlock77

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Two recent situations...

1) Just hanging out with a friend this past Sunday, at our usual coffee spot, we've known each other for years... We were reviewing how our respective New Year's Eve plans went, mine were non-existent for various reasons, he told me that he had an excellent one... As he tried to tell me about his night, I kept moaning about mine, probably too much... He corrected me that I should share in his good night, and not try to drag him back into mine... I know he's right, I was and I have been transfixed still on how my New Year's Eve didn't even happen this year...

2) At work yesterday... I am not a morning person, usually just try to get in and out of the locker room at work without saying much at all, also a very typical non-verbal Aspie... As I walked in yesterday, one of the guys stopped me in my tracks to virtually reprimand me for not saying "good morning" as I passed by him, I had barely even noticed him as I walked by, I just wanted to get to my locker, and get my work stuff on, with as little communication as possible... That's how I always am, maybe I am wrong, I know there was a thread about that recently... But I really don't plan to change, or am I too rigid?
 
If your line of work does not require it, you should not need to change.
You can do things differently, if, and only if, you expect or desire different results. If you are happy (or at least not unhappy) with the way that the things are, why should you have to act differently just for the sake of others' ?
 
Esa said:
If your line of work does not require it, you should not need to change.
You can do things differently, if, and only if, you expect or desire different results. If you are happy (or at least not unhappy) with the way that the things are, why should you have to act differently just for the sake of others' ?
Click to expand...

He's just a well meaning older man and a good man, it just took me by surprise when he said what he did...
 
Some people have very strong, fundamental senses of social protocol. If this reflects only him personally, decide whether he is worth the effort relative to your job.

Then again if it was more indicative of corporate culture it might behoove you to fake it and follow through.
 
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I normally don't greet people unless they greet me first. Some people may view it as being rude, but I don't really care. I'm not there to make them feel all warm and fuzzy and catered to. Obviously if the person in question is a superior in some way (boss, teacher, etc.) and has an issue with it then I may change my ways just to appease them so they don't give me a hard time about it, but other than I don't walk around saying "good morning" to everyone I come across.
 
I don't understand why you should have to say good morning to everyone. Like others have said, if the guy is your superior, you might have to consciously try to do it, but otherwise I see no reason to. In my last job, I only said good morning in response to others saying it to me, as it would never have crossed my mind to do so without that prompt, and no one seemed to mind.
 
Sherlock77 said:
He's just a well meaning older man and a good man, it just took me by surprise when he said what he did...
Click to expand...
I thought that you asked whether it was rigid of you not planning to change. But, if you feel bad about it because it was a “well meaning older man” who was also a “good man” then the answer is better searches within. And the question might be something different, also. Or maybe I just misunderstood the point of this post.
 
Esa said:
I thought that you asked whether it was rigid of you not planning to change. But, if you feel bad about it because it was a “well meaning older man” who was also a “good man” then the answer is better searches within. And the question might be something different, also. Or maybe I just misunderstood the point of this post.
Click to expand...

It just surprised me, I have a tendency to be non-verbal at the best of times, which I don't think people always appreciate, I just got the sense my co-worker was almost grilling me about it
 
Sherlock77 said:
It just surprised me, I have a tendency to be non-verbal at the best of times, which I don't think people always appreciate, I just got the sense my co-worker was almost grilling me about it
Click to expand...
They probably are, but so what. Just be you! If people don’t like it, that’s their problem, not yours.
 
owlet said:
I don't understand why you should have to say good morning to everyone. Like others have said, if the guy is your superior, you might have to consciously try to do it, but otherwise I see no reason to. In my last job, I only said good morning in response to others saying it to me, as it would never have crossed my mind to do so without that prompt, and no one seemed to mind.
Click to expand...
I'm a bit the same. I don't see the point in saying hello to everyone I see. I'll say Hi if someone says hi first; or I know them well and are on good terms with them - otherwise it often doesn't even occur to me to do so. It irks me that some people expect me to greet them when those same people usually wouldn't give me the time of day.
 
Sherlock77 said:
one of the guys stopped me in my tracks to virtually reprimand me for not saying "good morning" as I passed by him,
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Maybe his feelings were hurt, and/or he thinks you don't like him? Possibly he even thinks you are "ignoring" him on purpose to send some kind of social message, rather than just not noticing him for non-offensive/not-personal reason? (The latter could still be hurtful or offensive to him, if he wants you to notice and then acknowledge him -- perhaps wants to get to know you or have a specific kind of rapport with you that in his mind has to include you saying "good morning" to him -- it is just not as bad as if he thinks you are ignoring him on purpose for social communication.) Stuff like that has been happening with me and others my whole life.
 
I'm in the same boat. I never say anything unless spoken to first. I never think anything about it. I do half smile and look back down and go about my business most the time.

It would seem if you have been at your job for any length of time, this man would already know you were quiet and just roll with it??? Who knows maybe his wife chomped on him before work, or someone else was rude to him earlier and he took it out on you...
 
I am often non verbal in public, but sometimes I do speak. It all depends. I have a lot of PTSD so if I feel safe, it's different, but this happpend to me, too.

I was going by the front desk and a lady said," WHY do you always come in here and never say anything and scurry around???"

I immediately went into shame mode and started to rattle off meaningless crap about how nice for her to say hi and what kind of coffee she had and maybe I just need some?""

I NEVER FORGOT IT. She forgot it. These things are shame to me, not to them.

It left a mark on me so now if someone does that I give them a polite smile. I don't want to get hit so I will give htem what they want, but grudgingly so they know it. They will KNOW they crossed a line and never do it again..........
 
things that are low effort but high return should be considered:

- if saying a quick 'good morning everyone' helps you out at work, it's a small effort a minor 'to do' that doesn't really cost you anything other than discipline but smooths the relationship with your colleagues, saying hi costs you less energy than explaining why you don't say hi

- if you value your friendship with your friend, communicate succinctly that you are disappointed about your plans, but don't gone about it, in the end going on about to only makes you even more unhappy anyway

both just make things easier, they aren't concessions in your identity

life and the social graces are a continuous cost benefit analysis for me :)
 
I'm the same with the social expectations of good mornings and such. I'm just normally quiet, want to do what needs to be done.
I never really thought about the Hi, how are you's, Good Mornings and such greetings until it was brought up on this forum.
The typical polite smile, nod, or OK only if greeted first.

It's been said before, why do people in formal business settings ask " How are you today?" when you know they don't really want to know?
Another thing society hatched up! o_O
 
SusanLR said:
I'm the same with the social expectations of good mornings and such. I'm just normally quiet, want to do what needs to be done.
I never really thought about the Hi, how are you's, Good Mornings and such greetings until it was brought up on this forum.
The typical polite smile, nod, or OK only if greeted first.

It's been said before, why do people in formal business settings ask " How are you today?" when you know they don't really want to know?
Another thing society hatched up! o_O
Click to expand...

Lol ‘Good Morning’

‘WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
 
I'm like this too, I don't like forced social interaction and tend to avoid situations where it might arise. I don't see the need to greet everyone, unless it's someone I know well. I remember that this became a real issue when I was a student living in student accommodation; there was this expectation that one should greet the other students, even ones I didn't know or otherwise talk to, in the kitchen or common room, but I found this invasive and if I saw that someone was in the kitchen, I often waited until the person left. I even bought a coffee machine for my room so I wouldn't have to go to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee.

For me, part of the issue is that I need to change state to talk to someone, and I can't do this quickly. What I mean by this is that I'm in my head most of the time, in my own little bubble, and find it intrusive if someone tries to break this and bring me out of this. I can't change from one state to another so smoothly as other people seem to be able to do. When I'm in this introspective state, I often don't hear people greet me, and I don't even register that they are there, and people trying to catch my attention suddenly like that can often trigger a flight response, and I bolt, or look away, or try to say something but stammer, or sometimes just freeze and not say anything. I am not doing this on purpose, and it is unfair that people judge me on this, especially when, crucially, they are coming into my space by greeting me, and I'm not entering theirs, but just going about my business.

Another thing that I've noticed, is that there is a certain kind of person who is nosey, or takes far too much notice of what other people are doing, and feels that they have to interfere. This happens to me a lot: I'm standing in the queue, and 99% of people will wait in line without saying anything, but there is always this one person who will point things out, ask me why I'm doing something, when really it doesn't affect them and it is none of their business. They do it for selfish reasons, for their own gratification, and I find this extremely irritating. Whatever intentions that guy at work had, it really wasn't any of his business to pass comment.
 
I gather, @Sherlock77 , that you are a male? Because in lots of places, an older man demands a smile and greeting like they are due it from every female in their vicinity. It's a form of patriarchy.

If it's male/male, then it is probably more like they are owed it from others because they want to feel superior... it's not really friendly, what I'm saying.
 
The guy you passed had the option to say good morning first.

What is he some kind of psycopathic wall flower?

(See my previous!)

And werebear is spot on once more.
 
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