Social Crutch

[ftfipps]

First, I want to say that this website is the only reason I am really sane. People out in the world do not understand at all what I and many people on this site need to thrive in this world. We just expect people to give us our dignity but they never will.

Then when we protest, we are the ones in the wrong. As AS people, we are used as a social crutch. We are belittled because we don't know how to respond to their cliché, glib responses. Not only that, but they will calmly insult you openly or behind your back and it helps them socially...

It is rewarded when someone picks on someone different from them, hence the social crutch. We are just a stepladder, for NT people to step on our back to get to higher social and occupational graces. You are nothing more than a prop to people...This will never change, I know that. I just want to tell everyone that I know what you're going through.

My wife...she is decent towards me, still not how I would like to be treated but passable when we are alone together. When she is out with her friends and I happen to be there she will treat me like I don't understand anything. She basically takes my dignity and wipes her feet on it. She affords me no dignity. and then when I get ticked off, Oh, I did nothing wrong. She will say...like she did nothing wrong. I am a social crutch to these people.

If I leave her I would have to pay 500/month to live in a college flop house with bedbugs. It is either stay with my wife or be homeless...I've done that before and It is so, so gross. I don't know what to do.

 

[Theta.G]

Your wife seems to be doing it out of Ego. Needing to boost herself around her friends... but at your expense. Anyone with true intelligence can boost themselves without having to ostracize their loved one in front of others. Perhaps she has an inferiority complex...
When she's explaining things to you in front of her friends is it the most basic things everyone knows? If that is the case i'm sure she may have a couple of smart friends who can see and understand what she is doing to you. The intelligent can play the role of fool, undetected. but the fool can never play the role of intelligent undetected (will only seem like a genius to other fools).
Modern Family for example. The character Luke, is played by an actor who is a member of Mensa. Basically a club / organization consisting of most people in the world with the highest I.Q's. He plays the role of a fool well. Those with a discerning eye can see it in the creative, dynamic expression of his acting. Those who didn't know he was a member of Mensa prior to me mentioning this probably would have never suspected it. Smart actor playing a dumb character.

Alex on the other hand has no creative expression and does not exude "genius" in any form. Just an actor reading a script. She's suppose to be the "smart" character. "Oh hey, these words sound smart get the character alex to read these lines"... simple parroting with shallow, sloppy acting... dumb person playing a smart character. Moving on.


It may be easier to stomach when you're out with her and her friends if you take pity on her instead. Even if i what i said isn't the case (inferiority complex) if you perceive it as such it should get easier to stomach the situation. Maybe you can take comfort in believing that maybe, 1 or 2 of her friends know your not who she makes you out to be.
If that doesn't cut it then in your mind, when out with her and her friends perhaps you can think of her as the egotistic fool putting on a show. Smile... feed her ego a little, but not at your expense... and maintain a good mood.

I don't know how extreme the examples are but if it's something like...
*while in a car driving her and her friends somewhere*
"Omg it's a green light. green means go!! that's when you press the pedal with your foot!"
I'm sure some of her friends would know it's nothing to do with you and it's a her problem... but i don't know her friends idk maybe they're just as ignorant. You'll have a better idea of this.

Ya so if you change the way you see the situation can help buy you some time to find alternative arrangements. Maybe a new job or career. Maybe some form of govt assistance.
perhaps make some new trust worthy friends and if you *click* with them maybe new options will open up.

Side note: I don't mean to be harsh or criticize your wife, anything like that. Just trying to put things into perspective in the context of your situation.

 

[ftfipps]

She is not treating me like that in an ironic way. She isn't dumb, she knows what she is doing. She is simply trying to virtue signal. That's it. I don't go anywhere in public with NT's that know I have AS. I learned not to do that a long time ago. Anytime I have to do it it turns out bad. What bothers me Is the lying. Just because I simply don't have the same habits as other people, I am the charity case. I want to cry but I need to laugh.

 

[Theta.G]

Ooooh virtue signaling. Ok.
yuck

 

[tree]

Virtue signalling is the public expression of opinions that show
one's own good character or moral correctness.
Virtue signalling - Wikipedia

...an attempt to show other people that you are a good person, for example by expressing
opinions that will be acceptable to them, especially on social media...
VIRTUE SIGNALLING | definition in the Cambridge English Dictionary

...the conspicuous communication of moral values and good deeds. The term has negative connotations as it is commonly used to denote virtuous actions and statements are motivated by a desire for social status and self-satisfaction.
12 Examples of Virtue Signaling
(with a dozen illustrations of how it's used, as in: 'groupthink,' 'self-righteousness,'and so on

 

[china autie]

This is my opinion. Your wife sounds like she is mean to you.

 

[Pats]

Have you talked to her about how it makes you feel?

 

[ftfipps]

Have you talked to her about how it makes you feel?

She acts like she didn't do anything.

 

[Pats]

She acts like she didn't do anything.

Oh yes, you did say that, didn't you. Maybe if you secretly point it out as she does it she may realize it.
There's a possibility she thinks she is really helping, but equal possibility she's doing it for show and other people's benefit. And there could be different reasons for that. 1. To make herself look good. 2. To gain sympathy from others in that she has to take care of you so she emphasizes that in front of her friends. 3. Because she thinks she is helping by telling you things so you won't possibly embarrass yourself or her.
But the main point is, you don't like it and after telling her multiple times she should respect you enough to stop. Otherwise, just don't put yourself in that situation where she can do it by not going out with her and friends.

 

[ftfipps]

I liked the way you numbered the possibilities, @Pats .

 

[china autie]

"She acts like she didn't do anything"
even though you know that she did--

that is called 'gaslighting'.

The word is taken from an old black and white film in which the husband plays tricks with the (gas) lights in order to drive the wife insane.

My soon to be ex used to do that too.

You can email thesamaritans. They are based in the UK and all of their volunteers are named Jo. They will email you back.

If you are in the USA, you can call the National Domestic Hotline to talk about this.

Either place will help you make something called a safety plan if you do choose to stay with your wife.

Gaslighting is very much a red flag that indicates danger.

Please please get a safety plan in place if you decide to stay with her for the time being.

This is far more than her false ego, virtue signalling, or "She doesn't know she is doing this" happening here based on your description.

That meanness may occur in cycles-' mean, sort of okay, okay, not so okay, mean...

And it will get worse over time.

This is not just something that NTs do. This is something that mean people do.


Internet search "gaslighting" and also "safety plan " for more info. It is all over the web