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So hard to find people to connect with...

Has anyone had any luck with online dating?

  • Total voters
    18
  • Poll closed .
aspieandconfused_87

aspieandconfused_87

Active Member
Hello,

My name is Brent,

I am new to the forum, I am originally from Texas and have been living in Northern California for over 6 years now, so I live in Silicon Valley (yes the place around the show was based) and all these tech giant, the dating scene here is terrible, bad male to female ratio, a lot of career minded/focused people who are just looking for a quick shag or to go on none serious dates, frankly I have little interest in the things people are interested in around here and not really into sports, or bars, or hiking which is what the vast majority of people around here like to do.

I get around the nerdy/geeky crowed and I am usually a bit more at home as there is almost always someone interesting to talk to and it is much easier to find something to talk about, I hate small talk with a passion and not a fan of social events, especially large crowded loud events (oddly enough I can go to conventions just fine, but I think it is because I am focused on other things and don't really interact with people unless I have too).

I have been on an tried just about every dating app/site out there and got no where on any of them, I have gone on dates and sometimes even get about 2 dates in before the girl looses interest and either stops replying or tells me they are not interested, but I have yet to meet a girl who really excites me on any of these dates, and almost none of them do I connect with on any more then a superficial level, I almost always have to lead the conversation or the things they want to talk about I either have no input on or am not interested in, I often have a hard time keeping a conversation going in person, only in the rarest of situations have I met someone who I even wanted to continue a conversation with and those girls are usually not single and/or not available, I am starting to realize there may be a reason these girls are single in the first place, maybe other men feel the same way about the girls, or I just keep meeting the wrong women IDK.

I am lost and kind of over the whole dating thing, I recently started checking out Hinge, it's ok, I was talking to one girl but I don't really have anything in common with her and she doesn't speak the best English so there is somewhat or a language barrier between us, I have liked many other girls on there but so far no others have reciprocated, then again I don't have a lot going for me, besides being likely on the spectrum, and my limited interest, I don't have a very high level of education, my job isn't particularly exciting, I do not make a lot of money, I live with my brother, I am balding/bald, overweight, pale, somewhat hairy, have had limited life experience, I did not have the college experience so I have no feedback or input on that, and I am not a traveler and have not been to another country so I do not have that experience either, I don't like hiking or doing a lot of the things people around here like, so I don't know what to do, people say put your self out there, and go out and meet people, or try to start talking to people when you go do things you enjoy, well when I go do things I enjoy I am not going to meet people or have random conversations with strangers, I just want to go do what I wanted to do and that is all, if by some chance I met someone on a whim then cool but I am not going out of my way.

Anyways the main reason I was posting this was, has anyone in the California/Northern California area (if there are any on this board) found any good dating sites for people on the spectrum because every single one of the Autism focused sites I have signed up for or tried there is usually no one anywhere near me on the sites, and regular dating sites seem to be a waste of time all the women on there are basically clones of one another, have the same or similar pictures, seem to be into the same or similar things, and most are boring to talk to or I have little to nothing in common with.

Sorry for writing a book and ranting a bit,

Brent
 
I never understood why someone would go do things they did not enjoy just to meet someone - and that someone is going to expect you to continue enjoying it when you didn't to begin with. :) It's hard to meet people.
 
So many jokes, so little time. :D (just the title dont worry i take your post seriously)

But yeah I feel you, never was in any relationship, girls in hightscholl asked me if I was gay or told me I was not like other guys.

It hurt for years, and I just wanted so badly to cut myself from those terrible feelings of rejections, and guess what,I thinki i'v done it "succesfully" , but as soon as I realized it I also realized it would be even more complicated to open up again ( I dont want to at the moment, but you know maybe one day i'll try)
 
Iamnotarabot said:
So many jokes, so little time. :D (just the title don't worry i take your post seriously)

But yeah I feel you, never was in any relationship, girls in high school asked me if I was gay or told me I was not like other guys.

It hurt for years, and I just wanted so badly to cut myself from those terrible feelings of rejections, and guess what,I think i've done it "successfully" , but as soon as I realized it I also realized it would be even more complicated to open up again ( I don't want to at the moment, but you know maybe one day i'll try)
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I have had relationships, even fell in love once, but since then just getting nowhere.
 
I'm sorry, I don't know any dating things in your area as I'm not from the US, but when I was dating between the ages of 17-19, I exclusively found people online. Chatting to them for a while before meeting was usually the way - because they'd get to know me and would forgive my awkwardness later as I'd warn them that I'm shy.
Likewise, I know of quite a few people in real life who have had luck on Tinder - some even got married to the person they met there, but they are NTs. I know of some who met through games and one couple is married through meeting on World of Warcraft. Sometimes it's in the most unlikely places that we meet someone amazing. I guess dating is harder for us, but it is possible. :)
 
Don't look for like total match for interests only. If only some interest match, that's okay. You can learn about each others' differences and/or give each other some alone time for your own individual interests too. Try meetup.com- maybe plenty of nerdy interest groups available for potential friendships to build that could become potential dates. It's worth a shot.

Some people are at different stages of maturity or want very specific things too. You just have to keep trying. Try not to have standards that you don't meet and can't level with. It's also okay to take your time to get to know a person too.
 
paloftoon said:
Don't look for like total match for interests only. If only some interest match, that's okay. You can learn about each others' differences and/or give each other some alone time for your own individual interests too. Try meetup.com- maybe plenty of nerdy interest groups available for potential friendships to build that could become potential dates. It's worth a shot.

Some people are at different stages of maturity or want very specific things too. You just have to keep trying. Try not to have standards that you don't meet and can't level with. It's also okay to take your time to get to know a person too.
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Thank you for the response,

I have tried meetup.com but it either feels really awkward at those things or I will find a group that I like doing things with but they will start not having as many events or the group just kind of dies out.

I am on there now and apart of one aspie group and a singing group, I have yet to actually go to any meetups with those groups yet, either I forget or end up not wanting to go (either cause I am tired or just don't feel like getting back out after work, frequently they will have these events during the week in the evening and the weekend really works better for me).

I am not so rigid to not appreciate someone else's interest or to listen to them talk about it, but if I don't have interest in that then I don't, and I likely won't change my mind unless they are either a really good salesman or there is some incentive, social events are obviously not something I particularly care for, one on one things I am better at as I can focus on one person and they can give me most of their attention and I do not have to compete with other people, but at the same time I would want to be with someone who also has their own interest and friends as I wouldn't want them around me all the time I still want and need my own space.

Not really sure what you mean by standards? Are you talking about looks or expectations or both?

I didn't say they had to meet all my interest that will almost never happen even within the same interest there are differences, but I need someone to have some of the same or similar interest for us to have anything to talk about and connect on otherwise I will just get bored and will run out of things to talk about pretty quickly.

As far as friends then maybe turning into something more, I have a hard time with that dynamic, in my mind there are people you date and there are people you are friends with, if I think of someone as a close friend generally I don't generally think of them in a romantic way, I just do not have those type of feelings for them, the process in my mind for dating is vastly different then becoming friends with someone, if I go on a date with someone it isn't to become with their buddy, it is to get to know them see how I feel around them, and judge if they are someone I want to be in a relationship with, if it is there then cool if not I move on, I firmly believe that there is a connection or there isn't there is very little grey area to me.

Now if I met someone and we became friends then later discovered that we had feelings for each other then great, makes it all that much better and easier but that experience generally I have not had.

Sorry for writing so much in this reply, your response invoked a lot of thoughts and reaction out of me, please do not take it in a negative way, I just wanted to make it clear I have tried a lot of things over time, and you are right it may be my mindset that is wrong, mind you I have not had a girlfriend since high school and have only been on a few dates as an adult, so in a lot of ways I am very socially stunted, intellectually and in other aspects I am very mature and advanced for my age.

In my opinion the whole process in adult dating is much more convoluted and complicated and there are all these rules, and constructs, and games people play that I just do not have the patience or time for it and it is all very confusing, I can still to this day not tell when a girl is just being friendly or is attracted/interested in me and there have been many missed opportunities simply because I was oblivious to the situation, also there have been times when I am pretty sure I have freaked girls out by thinking they liked me and they didn't, so you can understand my hesitation.

Anyways thanks again for your advice and thoughts.
 
aspieandconfused_87 said:
Thank you for the response,

I have tried meetup.com but it either feels really awkward at those things or I will find a group that I like doing things with but they will start not having as many events or the group just kind of dies out.
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Look for more groups and/or work on the ones you haven't been able to make yet maybe?
Best thing you can try is to keep putting yourself out there when you are ready to try. If it doesn't work out, then move on. I usually say try at least 3 times unless the first time or two feels really, really off for you.

aspieandconfused_87 said:
. . .

I am not so rigid to not appreciate someone else's interest or to listen to them talk about it, but if I don't have interest in that then I don't, and I likely won't change my mind unless they are either a really good salesman or there is some incentive, social events are obviously not something I particularly care for, one on one things I am better at as I can focus on one person and they can give me most of their attention and I do not have to compete with other people, but at the same time I would want to be with someone who also has their own interest and friends as I wouldn't want them around me all the time I still want and need my own space.
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Part of being in a relationship sometimes is compromise. Being in a relationship is not about depending on the other person to "serve" you, but rather you need to find those incentives or that "salesmanny" thing to independently do things that may help you understand your partner more.

aspieandconfused_87 said:
Not really sure what you mean by standards? Are you talking about looks or expectations or both?
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I mean expectations. Looks is more superficial and "in the eye of the beholder" as they say.
Expectations such as you shouldn't necessarily expect them to make a specific amount of money, to own a home and/or car, to have a career type job, unless you have those things yourself. Even if you have those things yourself, you shouldn't necessarily have the same expectations of another.

Also, if you are in your 20s or going for someone else in their 20s, you want to be less picky about those type of things generally speaking because other people are still trying to reasonably develop those things usually.


aspieandconfused_87 said:
. . .

As far as friends then maybe turning into something more, I have a hard time with that dynamic, in my mind there are people you date and there are people you are friends with, if I think of someone as a close friend generally I don't generally think of them in a romantic way, I just do not have those type of feelings for them, the process in my mind for dating is vastly different then becoming friends with someone, if I go on a date with someone it isn't to become with their buddy, it is to get to know them see how I feel around them, and judge if they are someone I want to be in a relationship with, if it is there then cool if not I move on, I firmly believe that there is a connection or there isn't there is very little grey area to me.

Now if I met someone and we became friends then later discovered that we had feelings for each other then great, makes it all that much better and easier but that experience generally I have not had.
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Generally, if friends become dates, they don't intend it at first and it may take like 2 years. Otherwise, it may seem awkward if the friendship comes first and dating doesn't happen soon afterward. If you wait like 4 years, then you might either lose that friend or get friend-zoned basically.
Also, if the person says anything that is not "yes", then move on unless they indicate otherwise.


aspieandconfused_87 said:
Sorry for writing so much in this reply, your response invoked a lot of thoughts and reaction out of me, please do not take it in a negative way, I just wanted to make it clear I have tried a lot of things over time, and you are right it may be my mindset that is wrong, mind you I have not had a girlfriend since high school and have only been on a few dates as an adult, so in a lot of ways I am very socially stunted, intellectually and in other aspects I am very mature and advanced for my age.
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No apologies needed. It's fine. If my answers are helping you out, wonderful! I wish I didn't have to learn the hard way, that's for sure.

aspieandconfused_87 said:
In my opinion the whole process in adult dating is much more convoluted and complicated and there are all these rules, and constructs, and games people play that I just do not have the patience or time for it and it is all very confusing, I can still to this day not tell when a girl is just being friendly or is attracted/interested in me and there have been many missed opportunities simply because I was oblivious to the situation, also there have been times when I am pretty sure I have freaked girls out by thinking they liked me and they didn't, so you can understand my hesitation.

Anyways thanks again for your advice and thoughts.
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Unfortunately, life is complicated, and we can't change that. We can only figure out ways that we can deal with it ourselves to move on. I would recommend for you just be direct, but 1-1 and in-person if possibly basically.

First, have a conversation. If online, maybe several days at most like 3-5 days. Then ask about meeting in-person. If they aren't responding well or trying to schedule with you, then you have your answer (assume no until they reach out to you again. and when they do, just stick to the scheduling and make it only at your convenience since the person kinda stiffed you already. Also, don't turn a person down automatically unless you really don't like them and/or you have a problem of too many matches. Maybe they just got real busy. Keep your options open. I had to learn that the hard way.)

And if it's not too much for you, you can try to talk to multiple people "at the same time" if that's an option for you.
 
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aspieandconfused_87 said:
Now if I met someone and we became friends then later discovered that we had feelings for each other then great, makes it all that much better and easier but that experience generally I have not had.
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So I am NT woman, likely a good bit older than you, but maybe I could still wade in for a minute.

This idea of becoming friends first is pretty solid. I can say with all certainty that the attraction "sparky stage" only last so long in long- term relationships. So after the day to day of living together starts, it is pretty important to be together with a good friend.

I'm not suggesting that people shouldn't put any stock in finding each other physically attractive, but often the nuance of the thing in relationships is that someone's personality might be so compelling and their heart is just so kind that the burst of sparks that comes from initial attraction can sometimes be more of a slow little fire you feel towards someone who is a very good friend. Look for how you feel about yourself when you are in woman's company. If you feel really good about yourself ... and you feel secure and not anxious ... then who knows ... ?. And even better yet, if it is a good friend, then the intimacy of sharing secrets and information is safer and more honest. You can take it very slowly. Build it up from there ... but try really hard not to put placeholders on people ... you just never know who might be a great match for you. Good luck ... you have age on your side I think ;)
 
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