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Small talk?

E

elements

Well-Known Member
Small talk feels like pulling teeth out as apposed to having a deep real conversation about something meaningful
I'm sure this is with everyone but i think also neurostyicals get a sense of communion, connection and joy from small talk, people seem to genuinely enjoy it and put a descent amount of emotion into it.
Struggling to manage this and play the game. I hate putting emotion into conversations ( sometimes has to even invoke emotion) as its so draining but people dont respond the same without, sadly.
 
Small talk, chit chat, gossip, telling tales... I would just as soon go jump off the dock into a pit of alligators.
I think I would have more luck communicating with them, then the babble some people come up with. Being fair I'm basically a person who just don't like to talk in real life, much at all. I can go all day and be happy never saying anything... But in that I can give people my crooked little grin and say stuff without saying stuff (among people I know well). Or give them my ASD blank stare and then they don't know what to say...

RANDOM WARNING:

In some twisted way this reminds me of those funny old MasterCard commercials... I made up my own...

Growing up totally misunderstood in a world of silence later turns into:
3 trips to the ER for major panic attacks and depression 900.00 each
Being put on meds that make you feel like you are someone you are not 200.00
Visit with a psychologist to try and figure out what went wrong 5000.00
Tested in countless ways that actually show you are very intelligent, another 3000.00
Finding out you aren't crazy... you are just different than 99% of the population... no real monetary value
Not really caring to talk to people about it, or anything else... PRICELESS
ASD its whats in my head, and there is not a lot left in my wallet.... : )
 
I find small talk difficult for various reasons:

It's boring.
I can't think of things to say, so I stick to hello, how are you?
I can't mimick whe way other people talk, or use voice intonation and body language as they do, so I come across as stiff and uninterested (which, to be frank, I am). So I keep it to the minimum to be polite. Or I talk about something else which interests me, or answer, but ramble on a bit too long and the person interupts me or makes an excuse to leave or want to change subjects.
 
Why is it asking how someone day is without REALLY asking it considered nice and polite? Cant rap my head around this. Is everything based on feeling and people simply disregard sincerity? like people pretending to care about things because its simply thoughtful/considerate and it makes the person feel cared for while you appear kind.. My mother does this constantly.. though she might be a narcissist but with my brain lacking understanding even the basics of social norms ..no way of truly knowing.
 
It seems to have become like a basic greeting. Similar to "hello"
Hi how are you
good and you?
good.

It doesn't leave anything too awkward.

But if it's just hello
hello

then there is an awkward silence to follow, if not filled with conversation
 
Word smiles! People don't like silence so can't just do regular smiles. Gotta do the word smiles.
 
It's a test administered by neurotypicals. It's designed to test if someone can be imprinted on by society and will mimic defined behaviour without question. When people pass the test and perform as expected then the neurotypical will be comfortable and consider them "one of us".

This test however is somewhat flawed and we can cheat by faking it. If I administered the test I would probably have gone with a secret handshake...
 
The typical small talk greeting round these parts goes like so:

"Y'alright?"
"Yeah, you?"
"Yeah, fine."
"Great....."

...and only after that pre-programmed exchange can any conversation ensue. I've experimented with other answers to see what response I get, which are always greeted with quizzical looks and a pause while they try to work out what to say next - some longer than others... :D

"Y'alright?"
"Yep indeedy do - fine and dandy - you?"
"Y'alright?"
"I suppose so - still breathing..."
"Y'alright?"
"Not really - I'm feeling quite down today..."
"Y'alright?"
"Yes I am my friend, what a day it's been so far - I can't wait to see what the rest of this day will bring!"
"Y'alright?"
"And you care....why?"
"Y'alright?"
"Forget about me - how are you?"
"Y'alright?"
"Let's make a puzzle out of it - you tell me on a scale of 1 to 10 how 'alright' you think I am then I'll tell you how close you are. If you get it right first time you'll win today's perception prize!"

It's a fun game all the family can play!
:p
 
My favourite one is:

Them: "what's up?"
Me: "the sky".

Them: How are you?
Me: "Hmmm, that's a very philosophical question... can I get back to you on that one?"
 
Do dogs have this much trouble with their greetings?
How do they work out who'll sniff where first?
Do they worry about it before & after?
 
Bella Pines said:
It's a test administered by neurotypicals. It's designed to test if someone can be imprinted on by society and will mimic defined behaviour without question.
Click to expand...

When asked insincerely, I think of it more as a test of/demonstration of willingness/desire to interact with someone. Asking someone how they are can be used as a symbolic way to demonstrate some basic level of interest in interaction with that person, and the response can serve the same purpose.

Sometimes I answer honestly without thinking and people chat with me about life or say something kind if I'm having a bad day. Other times people just get all awkward and don't say anything, and that's fine with me. They asked, I answered, it wasn't the response they wanted/expected....but usually I don't feel bad or embarrassed. I just think about how funny (humorous/amusing) it is and how weird we all are in our own ways (myself, others like me, and the normal people -- weird is a matter of perspective) and life goes on.
 
God, I can't stand when people do that.
I mean, it's fine if they're then also polite with what comes after.
But I've overheard people talk crap about "downers" who didn't give the response they wanted more than once. They should try not asking if other people's suffering is just an annoying inconvenience.
 
Small talk does not have to be disingenuous. It's usually just a friendly greetings or being basically polite. I wouldn't read too much into it because the person doing it doesn't mean anything negative by it. On the other hand what really grinds my gears is when people say something but really mean something else altogether. For example, it really makes me angry when at a new employee orientation they tell you that they welcome your feedback and input but when you give it, it is anything but welcome. If my input is unwelcome, don't open the door for feedback in the first place. Don't hide fascism in the work place under some "feel good" fake open door policy. I would have more respect for the workplace that is honest and tells me outright that it is a dictatorship, not a democracy.
 
Mattymatt said:
Don't hide fascism in the work place under some "feel good" fake open door policy
Click to expand...

All too true! I've seen one too many "mission statements" that celebrates embracing diversity and innovation... but only certain types of diversity, or innovations that fit in with their already established dogma.
 
i've learned to go along with it. If I try to say something to bring Truth into, it's it's just a way to alienate people. Though for someone on the spectrum it may be a quest for truth, others may see it as an act of narcissism or entitlement. people don't care about my feelings and don't care if i am seeking to be more truthful than they are in conversation.
 
tree said:
Do dogs have this much trouble with their greetings?
How do they work out who'll sniff where first?
Do they worry about it before & after?
Click to expand...

I think if someone greeted me by sniffing my butt I would probably respond with my elbow.
 
When I worked in an insurance office, I used to always get a chuckle out of one of my coworkers. I'd hear him answer his phone and always gruffly respond and nearly interrupting the caller with, "Fine-fine!"

Setting up every conversation with an insurance agent to go less than favorably. But then I couldn't blame him. His insurance agents hated him and he knew it. Yet day end, day out they'd always ask how we are. Like they of all people really cared! WTH. :rolleyes:

Yeah. Such hypocrisy eventually can wear most anyone down. Nothing worse than someone who doesn't know you and likely doesn't care how you feel to ask anyways under the guise of a social convention.

Sometimes I want to just be a Conehead and respond accordingly:

Stranger: "Hi Judge, how are you!"
Me: "I am from France. Mips. Mips." o_O
 
Last edited:
Autistamatic said:
The typical small talk greeting round these parts goes like so:

"Y'alright?"
"Yeah, you?"
"Yeah, fine."
"Great....."

...and only after that pre-programmed exchange can any conversation ensue. I've experimented with other answers to see what response I get, which are always greeted with quizzical looks and a pause while they try to work out what to say next - some longer than others... :D

"Y'alright?"
"Yep indeedy do - fine and dandy - you?"
"Y'alright?"
"I suppose so - still breathing..."
"Y'alright?"
"Not really - I'm feeling quite down today..."
"Y'alright?"
"Yes I am my friend, what a day it's been so far - I can't wait to see what the rest of this day will bring!"
"Y'alright?"
"And you care....why?"
"Y'alright?"
"Forget about me - how are you?"
"Y'alright?"
"Let's make a puzzle out of it - you tell me on a scale of 1 to 10 how 'alright' you think I am then I'll tell you how close you are. If you get it right first time you'll win today's perception prize!"

It's a fun game all the family can play!
:p
Click to expand...
Actually, I have done that, too and it is a bit of a game and people DO get a puzzled look.
But have you ever tried being on the starting end and end up getting some long, drawn out, detailed story about them not being alright? YOU feel like, "What have I done???"
 
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