Small Talk (How much does it bother you?)

[Questella]

I can't stand that. I overheard my mother and her friend talking smack about some guy who was honest and didn't just reply "I'm good" once, apparently he was in the wrong for ruining the mood. Ugh.

Tell them not to talk to me. >:
Why reply, "I'm good," when you're not and absolutely don't feel good in any form is beyond me.

 

[Peacelily76]

Hi everybody,

One of my main difficulties in social interaction is "small talk", it's something that feels so unnatural to me but it's a social convention that helps build connections with people, something which I also struggle with.

When I come into work on a Monday morning I ask people if they had a good weekend, and try to develop it into a conversation. My colleagues don't seem to do much after work during the week apart from watch television. I don't watch much television or follow any sport, I've tried, I can't get my head around it. Especially the following sport, surely it would be more fun to play the sport yourself rather than watch strangers play.

I've found that I refer to the weather quite a lot when I try and make small talk, which quickly kills conversation off.

Does anyone have any tips on making small talk with people??

Oh god! Let me tell you now that I score 6 on the ASQ and I find small talk difficult! I don't really watch TV and don't follow sport or any Netflix series so I can't really be bothered with having to engage in chat that doesn't serve any real purpose. I guess my issue is I like to get to the root cause of the person in front of me but I don't pick this up from small talk. I actually get more information about them by observing their body language and general vibe. I totally rely on that and get to the soul of the person so I can connect with them.
I'm sure this sounds utterly odd to those with AS/ASC but in some ways, I'm at the other end of the spectrum and I just know, through vibes, if people are happy or not. Because of this, I don't care for small talk. It serves absolutely no purpose to me when the real conversation is being shown by the person's face and body language.
I see too much and it's a complete burden!!!
Don't worry too much about 'tuning in' to people with small talk. It's a total load of low value mundane banality!
What small talk might do is help you to discover people who do have the same interests! If you find someone who knows about cloud formations or types of rain, you might find an interesting person....who isn't plugged into the Matrix lol!

 

[Sabrina]

Small talk is a life skill, like cooking. I might not love it, but it's a necessity (at least for me). It has gotten easier (I'm 43) but I hear my 12 year old daughter and she reminds me of me at that age. The difference is that she just tells me "I don't know how they (her classmates) always have something to say, they talk about things I don't care about" and then she would just continue reading her book in the middle of school recess and couldn't care less if the other kids think she's introverted. I wish I had her self confidence when I was 12, because I used to try to fit in, and I ended up sort of not knowing who I was, since I was pretending to be somebody else all the time. It's not the case anymore, but it's has taken me many, many years to find who I really am, and that, among other things, I don't like chit chat, (unless it's with very especific and/ or close people).

 

[Desiree W]

I hate when a random person asks for my honest opinion and when I give it, some act like it's a problem. If people don't want honesty, then they shouldn't as for it. I think some folks don't REALLY want honesty, they want you to stroke their ego. Like someone else mentioned before, people should really say what they mean and mean what they say.

 

[Desiree W]

Small talk is a life skill, like cooking. I might not love it, but it's a necessity (at least for me). It has gotten easier (I'm 43) but I hear my 12 year old daughter and she reminds me of me at that age. The difference is that she just tells me "I don't know how they (her classmates) always have something to say, they talk about things I don't care about" and then she would just continue reading her book in the middle of school recess and couldn't care less if the other kids think she's introverted. I wish I had her self confidence when I was 12, because I used to try to fit in, and I ended up sort of not knowing who I was, since I was pretending to be somebody else all the time. It's not the case anymore, but it's has taken me many, many years to find who I really am, and that, among other things, I don't like chit chat, (unless it's with very especific and/ or close people).

I agree on so many levels with what you're saying. I'm 46 and had to learn how to act around others growing up. Back then, I wasn't aware autism. I tried fitting in too. I liked watching movies and read books to learn certain behaviors. Sometimes they worked, sometimes they didn't. After learning I was on the spectrum a few months ago, I had my AHa moment. I still don't understand how some people can talk a lot and have a lot to say at all times. I still feel socially awkward at times. I'm much older now and don't care that much about what others think.

 

[Suzanne]

Oh I cannot deal with small talk at all. I do try, but end up not being able to cope with such mundane talks.

Then again, people cannot cope with talking with me. I get people looking at their watches or eyes wondering or making excuses to talk to another ( sadly, become hyperaware) and that is because I bounce into deep conversation.

There are a very few who do not seem to mind my deep chats though.

 

[Apleba]

Recently I understood that I finally learned small talking, i.e. basically asking 'how are you' or answering to this question. I still don't understand why it is needed but I do it.

But why why is it needed? It's some kind of bonding technique, isn't it?

Before I knew it is polite to also ask '...and how are you?' back, when I was asked, I would just say 'normal' and that would be my answer, because I wouldn't know what they actually want from me. Then I got a lot of critique about my answer. Then, confused, some other time I answered 'quite bad'... and the person just ignored it!

Another instance, I was asked 'how does the country X (where I live and study) differ from the country Y (my home country)'. I was so confused about what I am asked that I just answered: 'there are some similarities and some differences'. I am pretty sure they wanted to hear something specific, but the unpreparedness to the situation got me 'frozen' and unable to think, but also the vastness of the question itself: how do I explain in two sentences how two countries differ! One of my peers helped me out, adding: 'country X plays football while the other plays basketball' - and everyone laughed (I find it quite funny as well, and quite genius, but mind-blowing as I wouldn't have come up with such answer by no means). I am still quite confused about the situation, and it generally reminds me small talking - when you are supposed to say something that others expect - something - but not really the truth, or not necessarily something informative...

You're not necessarily supposed to answer the question!

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Before I knew it is polite to also ask '...and how are you?' back, when I was asked, I would just say 'normal'

I would normally say

"Status update requested"

Then my eyes would roll in their sockets,forward to back, by 360 degrees.

Revolving quicker and quicker.

If they were still present at this point,

I would say "Ok"


Small talk is so pervasive..
Pointless statements
Statement of the obvious. (Reply : Yes. I know. It's just happened. I'm in the same place as you)

You have to get used to it.
Occasionally subverting it in a way that isn't to strange!

I would also question country X regarding their diet, and often reside in country Y, as regarding small talk and many other things.

 

[Progster]

Another instance, I was asked 'how does the country X (where I live and study) differ from the country Y (my home country)'. I was so confused about what I am asked that I just answered: 'there are some similarities and some differences'. I am pretty sure they wanted to hear something specific, but the unpreparedness to the situation got me 'frozen' and unable to think, but also the vastness of the question itself: how do I explain in two sentences how two countries differ!

I get this a lot, because I live in a foreign country, and my reply is the same. Sometimes I ask them to be more specific.
I can do some small talk, but don't enjoy it; it is scripted, robotic, and I can't do the accompanying 'correct' emotion, noises and tone of voice - fake cheerfulness, awww and sadness. People supposedly connect through small talk, but I don't. To me, it just feels like a unrelenting barrage of questions. When asked small talk questions, I tend to give very short answers and wish that they would stop. I try to be poilite by answering them, but I suck at it really.

 

[Phanelope]

My psychologist said to me every time she asks autistic people she’s assessing what they think about small talk the response she gets verbatim is “I hate it. I don’t see the point.” That was also the response I gave.

If you said you were bad or awful, would they care? I’m not particularly interested in their response either I just say “Good, and you?” Automatically.

 

[Phanelope]

I can't do the accompanying 'correct' emotion, noises and tone of voice - fake cheerfulness, awww and sadness.

Speaker: *tells personal story*
Me:*laughs*
Everyone else: awwww

 

[AO1501]

I'm totally with the 'I hate it, I don't see the point in it' point of view. I don't engage in it, and usually ignore it.

That said, I don't engage much socially with anyone, and work in a very insular environment, not really needing to interact with others all that much, so I don't have any need to learn the 'small talk' skill. Thankfully!

 

[Tom]

Some think the problem is with small talk itself.

There is nothing wrong with small talk. It can be rather enjoyable of itself and once in a while the beginning of 'big talk'. The problem is having difficulty doing it or being uninterested/too into your own world to participate.

This is a pretty classic defense mechanism. You see it in kids at school all the time. Kid has difficulty with a subject, say Math. But rather then accept this, they move the problem to the subject 'Which is stupid' or has no real value, etc.

 

[DCA]

I don't really do small talk either At Easter dinner my uncle became upset with me because I didn't want to do small talk. I don't see a lot of purpose behind it for me either...

 

[HidinginPlainSight]

I don't get small talk in the very least. My parents used to tell me if we were at one of their friend's place for dinner or something that I had to engage in "small talk".

Through a certain impairment of my own I would forget their advice at some point during the, arduous, evening end up saying something that, somehow, offended someone.

What I never understood is that often someone else would raise the topic, it would become painfully obvious that they had no idea what they were talking about. However, even partially bringing attention to this is, almost, the definition of socially inept. I just don't know any other way to engage a conversation on, let's say, a scientific matter or a matter that involves facts.

I never caught on to the nuance of small talk that makes it socially acceptable to BS. For me, there is nothing to gain from a conversation about nothing or a conversation aimed at not harming the ego of an ignorant person. And I'm not talking about subjective points where I think my opinion is correct, I'm talking about precise definitions which people mistake when providing their proverbial two cents on something like physics.

You would think that being corrected on such matters would be appreciated. My parents tried to tell me that just because someone raises an issue it doesn't mean that it isn't small talk; in other words, "keep it superficial". In any event, I learned to avoid those conversations all together and spend most of my time not saying a whole lot. I really just can't force myself to fake a care if anyone had a fine day.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Really these past 3 weeks attending church social events although getting out of the house is great I hate small talk. Really it is so stressful.

Why do people ask questions like this.

• Hi I am "there name" okay that's fine.
  
• Where do you grow up? "little personal buddy"
• Do you live in the area how did you get here?
  
• What's your job what do you do for a living? "again real personal and dumb"
• How did you find our "service here? Okay fine until they bring up dumb questions like
• What do you do with the rest of your day?

Really after those too me "stupid questions" I feel like I am going to pass out. However I do answer them not rude to the best of my abilitys.

Now talking to my young Asperger second cousin no problems no stupid questions right away chatting about Star Trek, music, the universe and technology.

 

[Fino]

YES IT MAKES ME WANT TO DIE

 

[Suzanne]

And why I sit in the car and listen in to my spiritual meetings or at home, because I cannot cope at all with small talk. After the initial "hi", I am stuck on how to continue.

There are a couple of nt who I have no issue with, because there are no small talk with them.

 

[Juliettaa]

It's all so pointless.

I remember in my 20's and 30's I hadn't perfected the art of playing the small talk game and had a tendency to just walk off mid sentence. Now in my 50's I can do it. I don't want to, but I can if I have to.

I'm so disinterested in small talk/waffle, especially from strangers, that it doesn't sink in, but I've learnt to just nod, smile and pretend and then move away as soon as I possibly can!

 

[onlything]

I used to but it's just how it is. People like small-talk, so if you spend time with them, you have to adapt and participate. After some time, you just get used to it. I suppose it could be a show of respect towards a person - you're not rude, you let them talk and feel better about themselves, you ask questions to keep it going and, wow, sometimes even listen actively to what they say.

It's easier when you see it as information gathering - getting to know different types of people and what makes them tick, their stories etc. It makes the world a bit broader and the small-talk a bit more interesting and less bothersome.

The more pointless you see it, the worse it gets. The more things you can see and learn, the easier it gets. Mindset and attitude, you could say?

So, body language - how do they behave when talking, what do they feel while thinking of specific things, are they lying, what kind of things they did, what can you learn from it? You learn some while getting 'points' with people.

Requires a lot of energy, though.