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Single fathers?

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by rabiit24, Oct 11, 2016.

  1. rabiit24

    rabiit24 New Member

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    Strange heading I know and I am not being weird. I am looking for some advice for the man I am seeing.

    Essentially we have been seeing each for 18months, started while he was married and has continued. He has spent 18months telling me he doesn't want to go back to her but he misses his son terribly.

    Is there anyone out there who could share their experience?
     
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  2. Gobari

    Gobari New Member

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    My wife and I have recently separated and the house feels very empty without my kids there. It has been an incredibly difficult transition especially for someone who hates change. That being said, I have had to strive to not let myself get into despair feeling sorry for myself in my current situation. I try to keep in mind, that right now the most important thing I can do is KEEP PUSHING FORWARD. I don't like the fact that things are the way they are right now, but I try to remember that I am still here. I have survived all that has come before, and I will survive this. Choosing to feel guilty because my wife can't handle my struggles right now will only serve to bring me further down. I have noticed that I can take a genuine negative feeling and focus on it until it is feeding back into itself and has a life of it's own, able to press my brain into service keeping it well fed. I allow myself to feel the feeling then at the point that I recognize that it has become unproductive and is causing me to be stymied I have to collect myself and actively change my focus to positive thoughts. Probably goes without saying, but being in an actively destructive relationship helps no one in the family. I hope the future holds healing for my family, but for now, like the airlines say, I have to put my oxygen mask on first before I can help anyone else. Good luck to your friend.
     
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  3. Catlover614

    Catlover614 Love Conquers

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    Many people could learn valuable lessons in your positive approach to hardship! Very, very awesome!!!:)
     
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  4. Gobari

    Gobari New Member

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    Thanks catlover, as corny as it may sound, if I had anything to add it would be this,

    I must not fear.

    Fear is the mind-killer.
    Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

    I will face my fear.
    I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

    And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
    Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.

    Only I will remain.
     
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  5. rabiit24

    rabiit24 New Member

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    I really like that.

    I am really struggling today, he is saying that he doesn't know which one of us he wants, he loves me but we stumble on the missing of the son. I totally understand that. Would you stay in a marriage you were unhappy in?

    The biggest problem I have is that he is in such a bad place at the moment that he can't see anything positive, he can't see what could be once we are passed this point.

    Is it wrong that I want him to be able to see that?
     
  6. Gobari

    Gobari New Member

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    Would I stay in marriage that was unhappy? I don't know. I have only been married the once and I think she's the bee's knees. I would crawl through a mile of broken glass to hear her fart through a walkie talkie! :) That's not always enough though.

    To people in my life who are disproportionately negative, I try to express that for me, I think it is a form of self inflicted pain and I don't want to get involved in the scene. For me, to be a victim is to be oppressed without recourse. That's not me.

    And no, I don't think it's ever wrong to want to be understood.
     
  7. rabiit24

    rabiit24 New Member

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    He doesn't hate her he still cares about her and in a fashion loves her. They didn't have a verbally or physically abusive relationship it was just that she made him feel isolated and unhappy. He tried to get her to go to marriage counselling and she wasn't interested, it has taken him leaving for her to go and see someone. I struggle with this, surely if she was concerned about the marriage she would have recognised that when they were together and he was saying this to her (more than once occasion over 10yrs) that she would go even if she didn't think their marriage needed it - perhaps this is just me?

    They have a much better relationship now they aren't together. The son also gets proper quality time with his dad. The guy I'm seeing works ridiculous hours so when he was at home he never really saw his son, now the time he has with him is productive and they have really good days together. Equally, they go out as a family (this hasn't happened often that I am aware of) which they didn't do when they were together. I obviously can't make him see that but it is very clear.

    I saw how broken he was before he left and even if he doesn't end up with me I don't want to see him go back there. It was heart breaking.

    The other thing I can't get my head round is we have been in this position for 6 months, he hasn't tried to reconcile. The thing I cannot get my head around is if the marriage was that important to him surely he would have said 6 months ago, I need to go and try and make it work, but he didn't he has chosen to continue this with me. I know it isn't an easy thing to do and I so appreciate where he is with his son but if he wanted to put himself back in that situation he would have done so by now?

    I want to show him what it could be like post this - not force him in to it just give him something to consider. He and our relationship mean the absolute world to me and I don't want to give up.
     
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2016
  8. Gobari

    Gobari New Member

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    I'm sorry, it sounds like a rough position to be in. I would say if your needs aren't met, you need to take care of you. What "post this" means and what really is sound kinda like two different things. If looking forward with high expectations, you may end up with premeditated resentments. Good luck!
     
  9. rabiit24

    rabiit24 New Member

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    I have no idea what they are - it was always the discussion that we wanted to do this together and then build a relationship together which obviously includes his son and in a very weird way his wife. I accepted that when I came into this that it would more like a three way relationship.

    I just wanted to build a future with him - I still do and I can't help but feel like he to as well otherwise we wouldn't be where we are.
     
  10. Gobari

    Gobari New Member

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    Re-read my post and thought it sounded kinda harsh. I wish I had answers that were more helpful. It just sounds like a tough situation to navigate. I would still suggest that you focus on taking care of yourself first and foremost. I have found that when I don't have the answers, this is the next best thing to move me in the right direction in the mean time.
     
  11. rabiit24

    rabiit24 New Member

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    Lol it wasn't harsh it's ok. I am not very good at looking after myself I am all about taking care of others (perhaps I need to work on that too).

    I have just never known heartbreak like it and I just want it to stop. We were so happy and we did get on well. Yes there were things that needed addressing on my side but in what relationship do you stop working at it and improving and learning from each other.

    I am going to show him your fear text though - that is really quite good.
     
  12. Gobari

    Gobari New Member

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    It's from the book Dune.
     
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  13. rabiit24

    rabiit24 New Member

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    I can't get over him.

    He came to talk to me last night and said that we could be together if he could live without his son in his day to day life. For the last year he has been living just seeing him every other weekend. I have pointed out that it can only get better from here and especially as his son is getting older he will see more of him. We discussed joint custody with his ex partner and although still difficult he hasn't ruled it out. I know how big of a decision this is and that it does affect lives but we have been in this position for the last 5 months (i.e. him not sure if he can see his son on that basis) and I really struggle with him not knowing. Now, he has said he's going to make this decision over the weekend and now I just feel like I'm on a piece of sting and he has scissors around it and I am just waiting either for him to cut it or to pull me back up. I tried talking to him about it earlier but it always results in the same answer, if I force him for one he is just going to say no because that is his default but I am really really struggling. I haven't cried this much since my dad died.

    He stayed at mine last night and it just felt so right being in bed with him snuggled in each others arms and waking up to him is literally the best feeling in the world. He laid with me this morning and told me he wanted to be with me. I have made it really clear that we can do this together and that I will do what ever I need to for us to be together and him be comfortable with the living arrangement with his son. Do you think that will be enough or am I just living on the smallest bit of hope again?

    I am a bit cross at him for giving me hope if there is none. I'd rather he just broke my heart now and got it over with. Instead I get the its a 50/50 chance that he is coming back to me.
     
  14. Gobari

    Gobari New Member

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    I can only speak for myself, but it sucks not knowing the future of my family ever being together again. I had to ask myself if I was willing to invest into the relationship with my wife (who loves me dearly but is burnt out on the AS) and may never want to be a conventional family again. I chose to continue investing, in fact I have to everyday. And most importantly to me is that I'm letting what's coming happen. I have ideas in my head of what I want the future to be, but my ability to accept and adapt to what actually comes my way is what has given me the best results. I try to focus on myself and the things that will benefit me regardless of which way things go. For me, this type of uncertainty can feel very draining. I focus on the good things in the day, the little things I have accomplished. I also take time to recognize all the things I do without thinking about it, going to work etc. I give myself extra credit wherever I can. By the end of the day I can lay my head on my pillow feeling I am moving forward. This focus also sets the tone for my next day. I no longer wake up with horrible dread every morning wondering if I can muster the strength and feeling utterly disappointed with myself. When I focus more on positives the less I focus on negatives. I hope that makes some sense and can be somehow helpful. Best of luck, take good care of you.
     
  15. rabiit24

    rabiit24 New Member

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    So I think I have totally screwed everything up.

    I had a bit of a meltdown last night and got myself in a proper state crying etc. all I wanted to do was talk to him, he has such a way of calming me down and making me feel safe and secure and wanted. Any way long story short I sent a few too many messages and called a few too many times (although some were unintentional I left my phone in my bed unlocked and managed to call a lot of people)

    So we had a bit of a chat this morning and he turned round and said so you are pushing me for an answer well ok I'm not coming back. Then started spurting out that he was saving me and he's a monster and I don't need him in my life. This really hurt as Friday morning he was telling me that he wants to be with me and he loves me. Am I better off giving him some space before I try and talk to him again? I don't want to throw this away because I had a bit of a hard time last night and I honestly don't think he wants to either. I hurt so much and I don't really know how to handle the whole situation. Any advice?