1. Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Featured Silent moments end conversations every time.

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by Tony Ramirez, Oct 13, 2020.

  1. Tony Ramirez

    Tony Ramirez Christian with Asperger's Syndrome

    Messages:
    507
    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2019
    Karma:
    +632
    Does not matter what gender I am talking too. If I am trying to do small talk which is difficult on its own and a silent moment happens most of the time it ends the conversation. Then 9 out of 10 times if someone else butts in then they talk and I end up walking away usually then put music on and sit alone or just stand alone.
     
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2020
    • Agree Agree x 6
    • Friendly Friendly x 4
    • Like Like x 1
  2. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    35,126
    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2013
    Karma:
    +25,430
    That would be a conversation stopper, for sure.
    Not talking.

    If somebody else comes along and enters the conversation,
    you could try thinking, *Hey here's another person who wants
    to talk, there will be an additional point of view and I can say
    things to that person too.*

    And then following through with that thought, by listening and possibly
    asking open ended questions...etc.
     
    • Like Like x 3
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Useful Useful x 1
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
  3. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    3,447
    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2018
    Karma:
    +4,413
    I am pretty much the same, and so I avoid unstructured social interaction, as I haven't been able to find a useful strategy for this. I like events that have a structure, or to attend a regular group that has the same people in it each time. Work fulfils that function quite well, and has the advantage that you get paid to be there. Or an interest based group or class.
     
    • Like Like x 4
    • Agree Agree x 4
    • Useful Useful x 1
  4. lateundiagnosed

    lateundiagnosed Member

    Messages:
    57
    Joined:
    Dec 9, 2019
    Karma:
    +94
    interesting ,thats true, i avoid most people because of it. im starting to understand more and more about myself in these forums. my parents used to go to AA meetings all the time . i hated them, im not alcoholic. makes more sense why they loved them so much. the structured conversation, the 12 steps and so forth.
     
    • Like Like x 4
    • Agree Agree x 2
  5. Tony Ramirez

    Tony Ramirez Christian with Asperger's Syndrome

    Messages:
    507
    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2019
    Karma:
    +632
    Now for people I know and are close to when I talk on the phone with them I can go on and on even talking so much they can't get a word in. But when I am introduced into someone new or I talk to someone I might know well or not I do good until those silent moments then also the sudden change in subject gets to me too and causes more silence. That ends the conversation too.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 4
    • Agree Agree x 2
  6. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    6,320
    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2014
    Karma:
    +13,769
    That's pretty much how it goes for me, too. These are experiences common to people on the spectrum. I don't process fast enough to be able to participate in group conversations. By the time I've thought of something to contribute with, someone else has spoken and the converation has moved on. I don't get a chance to speak. It feels to me like others have some kind of telepathy that I don't have or share with them, it's like watching TV, on the outside looking in.
     
    • Agree Agree x 6
    • Like Like x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
  7. Tony Ramirez

    Tony Ramirez Christian with Asperger's Syndrome

    Messages:
    507
    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2019
    Karma:
    +632
    I agree completely. NT's make it look so easy but for people with ASD we try but often fail. That is why I venture away from the group and put on music or check my phone for no reason just to look like I am doing something.
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 2
  8. Barymore

    Barymore Active Member

    Messages:
    126
    Joined:
    May 15, 2020
    Karma:
    +166
    That happens so often *lol* - I think I've mentioned before that I sometimes have really long processing times in conversation (two reasons: takes ages to 'get' what someone is saying because it was not said directly or I do an encyclopedic deep dive on all the information I possess on this topic, which may be quite a bit). When my wife is there she has taken to telling people "hang on, she's just thinking" when they get weird because I am standing there like a processing AI (but looking less friendly!)
    With a bunch of people the processing just takes too long and someone else has said something instead and the moment is way past. I have been known to just process on nevertheless and make my point to the original comment a couple of minutes later
    So that I mostly find funny. But the sudden silent death of a one on one conversation where the other person decides to leave as the OP mentioned I still find embarassing. So now when I notice its there I get up and make my excuses before the other person does - in german (and swissgerman) we say "flucht nach vorne"
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 2
  9. Rae Ray

    Rae Ray Active Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    91
    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2020
    Karma:
    +189
    Exactly right. That's why this type of forum works. It gives us time to process our thoughts and then write them down. You don't get left behind because the discussion is always here. I was wondering how and why this forum worked so well for me. Wow !
     
    • Agree Agree x 6
    • Like Like x 3
  10. Soleil

    Soleil Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    155
    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2020
    Karma:
    +202
    I find that texting and things like FB messenger work well too. People expect you to take your time since you have to write something. But the downside is that if they can't see you, they can't tell whether you're thinking, writing, or ignoring them.

    And of course this only works with friends, not strangers. And even then group chats are still hard to do.
     
    • Agree Agree x 4
    • Like Like x 2
  11. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

    Messages:
    4,553
    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2019
    Karma:
    +8,378
    The written word helps me explore my thoughts and dive in. Conversations feel one-sided. In that l am unsure what you wish me to convey. I am unsure why we are talking...... Dam small talk...... We chat to find a common ground because it takes us out of caveman stance brings some type of social etiquette to the table where we portray (mask) we are civilized. lol
     
    • Like Like x 3
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
  12. Au Naturel

    Au Naturel Au Naturel

    Messages:
    490
    Joined:
    Dec 11, 2019
    Karma:
    +943
    When I was in the social marketplace that happened to me a lot. If you can go to a social gathering where people share a common interest with you, things will be easier.
     
    • Agree Agree x 5
    • Like Like x 2
  13. Tony Ramirez

    Tony Ramirez Christian with Asperger's Syndrome

    Messages:
    507
    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2019
    Karma:
    +632
    I find posting messages easier. I also find talking on the phone easier as it usually involves just one person. I fall apart when trying to talk to 2 or more people. I just don't get how NT make it look so easy.

    Okay to be fair with myself I was able to maintain an conversation with two guys and woman when we talked about the Bible missing books. It went better than expected.

    Just the last two social gatherings were disasters I got bored with one after standing alone most of the time and left. The other most of the time I stood by myself although I engaged in a bit more small talk it still was not easy like NTs make it.
     
    • Like Like x 4
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
  14. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    3,447
    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2018
    Karma:
    +4,413
    Yes I have similar experience of conversation about a shared interest as opposed to unstructured social interaction. My brain is focussed on the shared topic when it's about an interest, but in unstructured social interaction there's no set topic, and as @Progster also said, my in the moment processing is slow, so I end up observing and nodding, or there may be a silence, or I may go on and on and on. Like a runaway train on the railway to nowheresville.

    Email, online threads and texting work best for me. More thinking time, as others have said.
     
    • Agree Agree x 4
    • Like Like x 1
  15. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    6,320
    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2014
    Karma:
    +13,769
    Group chats are too fast for me - people can often type really fast, as fast as they can speak, and then you can get 2 or 3 people typing at once, replying to different comments - too much to process.
     
    • Agree Agree x 7
  16. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    3,447
    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2018
    Karma:
    +4,413
    Yes I can't do that, but also I can't easily do one to one messaging, maybe because I can't tell what the topic is or should be, I don't seem to get it. I respond once, and that's it, if anyone messages me. If I respond to any further response it feels weird, maybe because I have never met the person, not sure.
     
    • Like Like x 3
  17. Siv

    Siv New Member

    Messages:
    18
    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2020
    Karma:
    +26
    That's why I don't do well in group chats and often get ignored. I prefer one one conversations or just online socializing.
     
    • Agree Agree x 5
    • Like Like x 1
  18. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    3,379
    Joined:
    May 22, 2017
    Karma:
    +6,151
    My in the moment processing time is slow also so typing is easier as I can think what I want to say
    and edit if need be.

    Those moments of silence are killers.
    It's as though they want a continous stream of chat.
    I don't understand it. If there is really nothing more to say on the subject,
    what's wrong with a lull?

    It does seem to be something we just don't get. At least I don't.
     
    • Agree Agree x 5
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  19. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    3,878
    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2018
    Karma:
    +10,240
    I had a friend that I always enjoyed going to dinner with and stuff. Actually I've had a few that was the same. I never had to do much talking because they did most the talking. And they probably enjoyed my company because I was a good listener. :)
    So stand next to someone who is talkative. :)
     
    • Like Like x 4
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • Useful Useful x 1
  20. Rae Ray

    Rae Ray Active Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    91
    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2020
    Karma:
    +189
    Great Idea Pats !:smirk::smirk::smirk:
     
    • Like Like x 3