Should siblings side with siblings or parents?

[Suzanne]

I believe that siblings should side with each other, when parents are grossly wrong.

I am the eldest of 5 siblings and 4 of us, were molested by male birth parent; youngest was adopted at the point that she would have been abused.

In truth and bluntly, I am the one who stopped any more abuse, due to taking courage and reporting to the police. This did result in my siblings being removed and placed into care and sadly, they did not fair well, as is often the case, but I did as much as I could, despite how vunerable I was to ease their burdens. But, when you are fighting with social services, and are weak, they tend to have the upper hand.

Female birth parent was just a parent in name, not action and sided with her husband.

I was made the scapegoat and my siblings added to that.

Zip forward several year's later, where female birth parent is an old person now and male birth parent is no longer alive, she still has the power to get her own way and any attempt of my siblings being friendly with me, results in her insulting them and acting like a spoilt brat.

My one brother ( others are sisters), after many years, came to stay with myself and my husband ( we live in France). My brother admitted that he really did not know me well, which hurt me, in truth, since I am the eldest and did so much for him when he was a child. He admitted that there are bad vibes surrounding me, thanks to his mother.

I vented somewhat and revealed all the pain that I have had to deal with and he seem to sympathise; acknowledging that I have been put through a nightmare with the family.

We actually gained a friendship.

I was on whatsapp and noticed he had changed his profile and could not believe that he had a picture of his mother and my brother and sister were with her, all smiling. I felt sick to the stomach and felt that I had been punched by my brother. I blocked him immediately and considered that I do not have a brother now.

He gets in touch with my husband, wondering where I am and so, my husband told him that even if he wants a relationship with his mother still, knowing what his sister feels, it is a bit much. He did change it, but to be honest, I feel that no excuse can heal what he has done to me.

He has tried to phone me, but, perhaps in rebellion, I really have no desire to be in contact with him.

I do not believe that family are blood related only. If a family member does wrong, then I do not believe in covering it up.

 

[Pats]

Everyone deals with trauma in their own way. And some are able to forgive and move on while others are not. It is possible that they did not experience as much trauma as you did or they could have repressed some things. But one thing I've learned in life is that you can not expect someone to hate someone else for you. I'm sure your brother did not intend for you to feel so upset over his photo. He wants (and possibly needs) a relationship with them. He can't fix the past for you, if he could he would probably try to fix it. But no matter how much someone has hurt you, you can't expect others to feel what you feel toward the person. It's up to you whether you want or don't want to speak to your brother.
I'm sorry for the pain.

 

[Thinx]

Sorry this feels so painful. It seems like he does want a relationship with you but is also still relating more with his mother than is comfortable for you. That's quite difficult given all you have been through. You can only make your best decision about this.

Perhaps be glad he visited, that showed he wanted to know you more, as his older sister, an important person. But you have to do what's best for your wellbeing, and your mum has been toxic, so this is tough.

I think @Pats is right in that he probably won't cut off from her because you have, as he was so much younger, and probably didn't understand it in the same way, so sorry though that this feels a let down, your parents let you down very badly.

 

[Alexej]

NO words of wisdom, since your experience is not mine. However, feeling sad for your pain and wishing you wisdom and discernment in your choices.

 

[Au Naturel]

Generally, I don't think siblings should take sides. You cannot fix the past nor any of the wrongs that took place. Write it off as water under the bridge and people you used to know but are no longer important to your happiness. It is what I had to do with my sister.

 

[Pats]

I guess I was tested in what I said. This morning I got a message from someone who has carried guilt over what happened to me and I had to make an effort to help HER get over it. Wasn't easy because I don't like to think or talk about it but I don't believe she should have to be burdened with the guilt. And I'm glad my son has a relationship with this person, even though I don't think I could.