Should I tell my ex?

[JNZ]

I put my ex through a lot of pain. She was very in love with me, (I’m not sure I agree, as I don’t think she accepted me for my true self or really even saw all of my true self, so she loved this fabricated version of me.) In the relationship, she often expressed that I didn’t share my feelings enough and whatnot, she misinterpreted my shutdowns and nonverbal times and general need to be alone as “silent treatment”, but I had no idea I was autistic at this time, and it was my only relationship, so I was always doing things “wrong” and trying to be “better” aka mask my traits and be fake, try to be the perfect partner for her instead of trying figure what I myself wanted from dating, and I got so stressed out by the relationship that I abruptly ended it. It was 7 months.

She was rejected by her family for being gay, and abandoned a lot in her life. She just started college and it was like I was the only person in her life. She’s the hopeless romantic type, falls in love hard and all that. I told her I loved her but I don’t think I did, I didn’t miss her when I ended it, fast forward something like a year and a half after the breakup, we get back in touch via social media.

Even though the relationship was very stressful to me I know she just wanted that typical thing most people want and I tried to be it but it’s not for me (aromantic I think now). And it hurt her. I really know this because a while before, I sent her a message saying “hi how have you been” and she was really offended I just said that and no apology or any other comments. And I said some immature things, and she told me she was so hurt by the breakup and that I broke her.

And I don’t know, I just didn’t really get it. I had to talk to my mom and my sister about it, I kept insisting it’s not wrong for a person to leave a relationship and that I had to for my mental health. Which is true but it didn’t sink in that I really hurt her. But now, I do realize I caused her pain. And a lot of things probably went unexplained to her, and some of my actions were bizzare, frustrating, annoying, and/or inconsiderate.

Should I tell her I’m autistic? I want to give her some kind of catchall explanation I guess. But she most likely knows very little about autism, what is that gonna do? Unless she researches it. But that might still not help or backfire. Should I send her links to articles or videos, is that just weird? I’m not sure she cares that much. But if she’s wondering about the unexplained things, is it bad for me to not give her an explanation? I don’t have much contact with her and I don’t want more contact with her. I wouldnt want her to misinterpret this as wanting to get closer. It’s just, do I owe her an explanation?

 

[Bolletje]

I think it might be best to just leave her alone.

 

[H-Kath]

Are you open about being autistic and aromantic? If you're visibly both on social media she has access to that information if she's curious. I just don't think that after she told you that she felt she was owed an apology that it's a good idea to contact her unless there's something you sincerely wish to apologize for and are open to chatting with her from time to time.

My partner did tell her ex-wife about her trauma disorder once she found out because she wanted her to understand some of the things that went on, but that was a nine year relationship. Last I heard they just exchanged a few messages and haven't kept in touch. The ex-wife has never been described to me as a hopeless romantic or in any way needy though. She is welcome in our home if she ever travels up this way but I get the impression that neither one cares to have much contact.

 

[shysnail]

I think you need to leave well alone. She may be hurting still. If so, leave her to do that. Reasons to explain why you were who you were now likely won't help. Sometimes after a relationship ends, people want to feel aggrieved. The bit about how you "broke her" makes me think that she may be enjoying her wallowing just a little bit.

It doesn't sound like it was a good relationship. You weren't who she wanted you to be, and she wasn't who you wanted her to be. I think severing contact is the way to go on this one.

 

[GadAbout]

don't tell her about it ... If you contact her again, even with an apology, it gives the misleading impression that you want continuing contact. Just be kinder to other lovers in the future.

 

[All-Rounder]

I have to say, its nice that you're thinking of giving her some sort of peace and understanding of what happened. I seeked for answers from someone I had dated who is sociopathic and I actually recognized the signs and asked him if he suffered from psychopathy. It made sense then when he answered hes a sociopath why i had felt lack of connection with him, as though something was missing.

But! Be very careful to not be dragged into feelings of guilt, as you owe her nothing and by the way its been going every attempt you've given it to make her feel better just made it worse. I think you should stop trying, cause this is bound to only create a deeper hole into you all the while it's hurting her because she doesn't seem able to trust you with any action.

I used to try to do something like that for an ex of mine knowing how much I hurt her and for years I bothered her because I just didn't want to give up but things just got worse. Sometimes there's nothing you can do to help. Try giving help in other areas of your life and try to make peace with it.

 

[All-Rounder]

About the fabrication, never do that again for a relationship because if you keep being yourself [like my boyfriend does] someone will fall deeply in love with how different and unique you are and take on the wonderful and tempting challenge of being with the true you. Much of what you said reminds me of my boyfriend's quirky self and Im so glad hes honest with me and that I can let him be himself with me. I like the ways hes different and our relationship is different, even if its been very hard. We've been together for 2 years now and learned a lot about each other and I just love that now I can trust that hes really this unusual, not faking it and I can trust him and feel so loved and fulfilled by him.

Im quite like your ex in the sense im needy and paranoid if not getting the right treatment for a while but I try to be patient with him and understand that it doesn't mean he doesn't like or love me.

He has these shutdowns when his feelings are suppressed especially if i keep cuddling him or keep asking for affection and his anxiety rises. So space and comfort is very important to him but also he provides cuddles here and there for me to not get panicked, sometimes I do regardless if its logical if I feel rejected, but we make it work together and help each other how we can. And we talk misunderstandings out til we can understand them and it helps trust each other and see theres no ill intentions on any side.

Hes had insecurity about the relationship and our arguments at the beginning and broke up several times as well as told me he doesn't like or love me enough and doesn't have feelings as strong as other people from what he observed but now its going well for us.

 

[JNZ]

Thanks everyone

 

[paloftoon]

I wouldn't tell her unless you meet in-person again. If you do, I think you and her should aim for purely platonic only unless you mature more and you're both interested in each other in the future. So, you start off that you're interested in only platonic if you meet her in-person again, and then you tell her that there are some thoughts you want to share. So, I think it's good to be honest, but the way you do it is important in this context. Leave the door open for her to contact and meet you in-person, but don't push it.

She thinks you're just a mean person, and I think it's good to make an effort to resolve. So, if you so choose, you could write one more e-mail expressing that you'd like to meet in-person to apologize about things and consider building a platonic friendship afterward. If she is interested in meeting in-person in a public place 1-1, you're open to it. If she doesn't respond or says no, you understand and you wish you could have a chance to own up to your mistakes. Another thing you need to be able to admit in such a conversation is how you're planning to change yourself so that you don't make these kind of mistakes again with anyone. (i.e. See a counselor, think things through with trusted friends if possible, read a few self help books). This is the path you should aim for.

 

[Judge]

Probably it's best to just move on and try to positively use what you have learned about yourself in your next relationship. Consider it a learning experience of sorts.