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Should I tell a Potential partner I have Asperger's ?

T

turpentine

New Member
In September I started dating a girl I've been friends with for a while. Things are going well and I'm thinking of asking her to officially be my girlfriend, however I'm not sure whether i should tell her about my diagnosis of Asperger first.

Some context: I was only diagnosed at the end of November and I'm not yet comfortable with the diagnosis or come to terms with it. The diagnostic process started around a year ago and I never mentioned anything about it to her. I know that I would want someone to tell me before getting into a serious relationship, but because the diagnosis is so new I don't feel comfortable talking about it.

I think she will probably be OK with it, but I'm still afraid she might change her mind about me. I know she also has some problems she hasn't discussed with me and I'm afraid of oversharing and scaring her off. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
 
I am not familiar with asking someone to officially be a girlfriend. I thought that it either happens or not, in time. Anyway, I don't believe just being a boyfriend/girlfriend makes disclosure necessary, and wouldn't unless it served some purpose, such as answering some relevant questions she has about you. Now if the subject is marriage or definite long term commitment in some fashion, then yes I think you should. Another natural place to bring it up would be if she informs you about personal issues of her own of similar sort. In that case I suggest not replacing the discussion on her issues with one on yours, but after hearing hers out fully, mentioning that you have things going on as well. Then if she is interested or curious you can discuss it in time.
 
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@turpentine
Welcome
 
Yes, because if she finds out without you saying anything, that could damage any relationship and she may think: can I trust this guy?

Ok, so telling her has the possibility of negative outcome, but at least you will know where you are with her ie she is not the one for you.

There is nothing to be ashamed of. Although I am not official, I rather people know, because in truth, taking things literally and other traits, does have the horrible ability of making a person seem lacking in intelligence.

You say you have been seeing her for a year, so unless you are really good at hiding traits, or make excuses to not see her, when going through traits, she might already have guessed and is just hoping you will trust her enough to open up.
 
Tom said:
asking someone to officially be a girlfriend. I thought that it either happens or not, in time
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When I was in the "dating" area lol ie in my middle teens, a couple of guys officially asked me if I would be their girlfriend. Not at the same time though :p
 
Yes you should be upfront.

If your potential partner can't deal with the truth then you have learned something about their character that you need to know early.
 
I would not tell. First, it does not really mean anything yet. Until they pin down what causes it, it's just this label that means something to some people and other things to others. Even amongst Drs there is an odd and uneven consensus.

If I told someone they would go and watch a movie and think they "got it". Later, maybe I would say something, but once they KNOW you, they would feel differently.
 
Tom said:
I am not familiar with asking someone to officially be a girlfriend. I thought that it either happens or not, in time. Anyway, I don't believe just being a boyfriend/girlfriend makes disclosure necessary, and wouldn't unless it served some purpose, such as answering some relevant questions she has about you. Now if the subject is marriage or definite long term commitment in some fashion, then yes I think you should. Another natural place to bring it up would be if she informs you about personal issues of her own of similar sort. In that case I suggest not replacing the discussion on her issues with one on yours, but after hearing hers out fully, mentioning that you have things going on as well. Then if she is interested or curious you can discuss it in time.
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I'm with Tom on the asking. I thought that the days of "will you go steady with me?" were long gone. When my wife and I were dating, I didn't ask her to be my girlfriend, but I did ask her after a few weeks, "we're boyfriend and girlfriend, aren't we?" She laughed and replied, "yes, I suppose we are." Then again, we're both Aspies so that's a natural conversation for us. I'm not so sure it would be in an ASD-NT relationship.

Of course, I'm assuming your girlfriend is a neurotypical, in which case it would be that much more complicated to tell her about your diagnosis. That's a tough one, and I don't envy the situation in which you find yourself. She absolutely needs to know prior to any formal engagement, but does telling her at this early stage serve any purpose? Does not telling her violate some sort of unwritten agreement regarding trust? I'm not sure. Ultimately, you know her better than any of us and therefore only you can decide what's best for you and your relationship with her. Let your conscience be your guide. If you do that, you will always make the right decision, no matter the outcome.
 
Let me add, too, the countless stories we all have of telling people and them wanting to fix us. I cannot even begin to tell you the horror that causes. You are not their equal when you disclose that. I had a man tell me he wanted to marry a person with a disability. I could not understand and asked why and all the answers were of control......she would stay home, not be out, "keep her safe" ummmmm........"would not have to work" etc......

Walked away from that!

But I did date men who knew and treated me differently. I dated men I did NOT tell and they treated me much better. Then I dated guys that I did not tell till later, and that was best. Then they knew me. They were like, "Oh....so ? I have diabetes," or etc.....

No need to tell up front unless you feel the person really is that kind that can understand.

I guess in the end, EACH SITUAITON has its own peculiarities and you have to make a choice , maybe a different choice, in each situation.

Life gets Very complicated and even unfair when you have a disorder or a difference. No two ways around it.
 
Tell a potential partner you're on the spectrum? No.

Consider such a decision only after they really ARE your partner. Even then, know there are no guarantees of how one may react based on what they know, think they know or what they don't know at all.

In other words, proceed with caution.
 
Judge said:
Tell a potential partner you're on the spectrum? No.

Consider such a decision only after they really ARE your partner. Even then, know there are no guarantees of how one may react based on what they know, think they know or what they don't know at all.

In other words, proceed with caution.
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@Judge brings up a great point. Never reveal something so intimate about yourself to anyone until you can trust that they won't use it against you. Believe it or not, some people who we thought were lovely, trust-worthy human beings actually turn out to be dirty, rotten, no-good scoundrels. Really! I've had to learn that the hard way when I came out as an Aspie to a few people I thought were my friends. I've been very guarded ever since about who I tell.
 
If you have an Asperger’s profile, yes, I’d say disclose once they *are* your partner.... or, once it starts to be looking like it is heading in that direction. This allows her to make an informed choice. This also allows an intro for any upcoming extra understanding and accommodations you may need considered during the course of the relationship.

In my case, I definitely need to disclose my autism well *before* any actual dating happens. This weeds out many unsuitable suitors, and ensures I’m not going to be wined and dined at a Metallica concert. If the guy has read up on autism from good sources, this would also give him a pleasant advantage if he chooses venues where I’m bound to get all geeked up via special interest. :D Nothing wrong with a date in the natural history museum, planetarium, aquarium, etc.! ;)

So yes, I’d suggest being upfront with her. Honesty is a good policy. This is both a social disability, as well as a communication disability. Invisible wheelchair situation is in effect. Plan on likely needing some extra understanding at some point. You may well a need sensible, grounded, compassionate partner who can respect your ways of connecting, communicating, and engaging.
 
Heh... I don’t know. It’s been so long since I’ve dated!
I just hope someone comes for my commodities,
and becomes entranced by my oddities. :D

And to the OP, you could bring up the topic of ASD in general, and consider that her reaction would tell you much about if you want to divulge further on the topic.
 
Since you don’t know either, there isn’t that much to bring up. But discussing yourself! That is always appropriate.
 
turpentine said:
In September I started dating a girl I've been friends with for a while. Things are going well and I'm thinking of asking her to officially be my girlfriend, however I'm not sure whether i should tell her about my diagnosis of Asperger first.

Some context: I was only diagnosed at the end of November and I'm not yet comfortable with the diagnosis or come to terms with it. The diagnostic process started around a year ago and I never mentioned anything about it to her. I know that I would want someone to tell me before getting into a serious relationship, but because the diagnosis is so new I don't feel comfortable talking about it.

I think she will probably be OK with it, but I'm still afraid she might change her mind about me. I know she also has some problems she hasn't discussed with me and I'm afraid of oversharing and scaring her off. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
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Hello! I once dated a man with Asperger's and found out by accident. He never actually told me and he was unaware that I ever knew. I never told him I knew, because I felt as though if he wanted me to know, he would have shared it with me. He had been diagnosed at 16 and he was 25 when we dated.

I do wish he had told me about it. It would have made so many things about our relationship easier, just because things would have been out on the table.

I understand that you telling her about your diagnosis is nerve- wracking. Of course you fear she will look at you differently. It is why I do not share my story of sexual assault with people I'm dating. Unfortunately, relationships are hard, and telling her is one of the harder things you will do in your relationship. It is the only way you can be completely honest with her about who you are.

And for the record, I am an NT and I could not care less about my ex's diagnosis. It made him the quirky guy I fell in love with, and to this day, he is the funniest person I ever met. Us being broken up is his choice.
 
Beguiling Orbit said:
@Judge brings up a great point. Never reveal something so intimate about yourself to anyone until you can trust that they won't use it against you. Believe it or not, some people who we thought were lovely, trust-worthy human beings actually turn out to be dirty, rotten, no-good scoundrels. Really! I've had to learn that the hard way when I came out as an Aspie to a few people I thought were my friends. I've been very guarded ever since about who I tell.
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I'm really sorry to read this. Those were definitely the wrong people for you.
 
I decided that I needed to disclose my AS status when the first relationship I had after diagnosis turned serious. (As in, "we are developing some strong feelings for each other and I need you to know something about me before we go any further.")

It was not even a blip on the radar for him, in fact, we almost didn't talk about it at all. I explained what it "meant" but I think at that point, he just didn't care.

I strongly suspect he has Asperger's himself, so the "issues" I described as being problematic for myself he saw as just par for the course. (I THINK.)
His concerns about me were more about my honesty (to a fault), loyalty, (stupidly loyal), lack of superficial trappings/frivolous concerns, (yes and yes) and I think he never gave it another thought.
Again, if he had been NT, I think it might have given him pause. The fact that it didn't speaks volumes as to why I think he on the spectrum himself.

And to his credit, he's never ONCE brought it up during an argument when he's trying to prove he's right and I'm wrong. I honestly think he's forgotten all about it!
 
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