Should I just give up on this person?

[Luca]

So "friend issues" have always been a big thing for me. I'm actually really friendly and people get close to me and feel comfortable with me very quickly. But I don't always feel the same way.

A good percentage of my friendships feel incredibly one-sided. I feel like I give too much and some of my friends take too much. I really only have two solid friendships that I totally feel go both ways and I feel cared about and loved by these two people, but with the friend I'm about to talk about right now, not so much...

I have this one friend who I've been really good friends with for quite a long time now. Or so I thought. At the beginning of our friendship, she was really helpful and supportive and we did everything together. But when she got into a relationship that I believe is a really toxic relationship, which she completely denies is toxic, things changed for the worse.

She's been with this person for a little over a year, since a little before the pandemic. I was distanced from all of my friends throughout the pandemic until April of this year, and my only contact with any of them had been solely online. I heard her talk about this guy a lot but I didn't meet him in person until this past April. My first impression of him was not great... my first thought was that he was really full of himself. The more she brought him around me and our other friends, the more I believed him to be an actual narcissist, extremely controlling, clingy, and not empathetic- including being homophobic, transphobic, fatphobic, and racist (my friend who is dating him does not share those values, which adds to the complexity of this issue)- and btw he uses her for transportation and money.

I was willing to let it go after I told her not to bring him to my house anymore and she seemed to respect my wishes. But the issue I've been having with her and this guy lately is that every time I make plans with her, she cancels her plans with me to hang out with him, sometimes even cancelling at the last second. I wouldn't be too upset if this was like a one-off thing, but this happens pretty much every week, sometimes twice a week, and at this point I don't feel like making plans with her anymore. She always pushes her plans with me to the side for this guy and it's rude. I understand making your significant other the priority but he should not have this much priority over her other friends, at least not to the point of backing out of plans she's already made just to appease him.

She also calls me and texts me all the time asking for advice and emotional support but I feel worn out since I'm not getting any support back.

It's probably also worth mentioning that her boyfriend has made comments about my gender identity, sexuality, ethnic background, and weight... and said all this stuff behind my back while trying to get close to me to take advantage of my kindness. I only found out recently through another friend that he said those things but I'm not surprised tbh. I wish he would just tell me to my face that he doesn't like me and thinks horrible things about me instead of talking behind my back. That's a pet peeve of mine and I would not do that to my friends. Obviously she knows he does all this stuff and is still with him...

I don't know what the best course of action would be at this point... I don't necessarily want to end a long-term friendship over a petty thing like this and I don't want to start drama but this is really making me angry. Am I in the wrong for feeling this way?? I've already tried to talk this out with her multiple times and she always apologizes and says it'll change but it doesn't. What should I do?? I don't want to lose her but I'm starting to have my doubts about continuing this friendship. I should also note that I don't have feelings for her so that's not adding a layer of complication... I'm only attracted to men!

 

[Suzette]

This boyfriend doesn't "not like" you. He feels threatened by you. If he is as you say, he is very deeply insecure and knows that you will out him. He wants to protect his mask at all costs.

Your friend, on the other hand, has some deep insecurity issues herself, which is how she finds herself with a narcississt. The trouble here is that she is likely still enthralled with whatever gaslighting and lies he tells her so she can not, yet, see the truth. She will, in time, figure it out. Meanwhile she dangles promises in an effort to keep you as a friend but can't set boundaries with her boyfriend because, either she does not want to, or he is emotionally manipulating her.

When I read your story I can see that you feel hurt by your friend and her behavior is appaling. But, having been in a similar relationship, she is likely confused and hurt by her boyfriends treatment. But she probably feels foolish and guilty too.

I don't think you should give up on this friend. But you do need to set a few of your own boundaries with her. If she says she wants to get together say "I can't do that right now. You won't show up so it is a waste of my time." Just be friendly as you say it. Then tell her "When you truly are available again, I'll be here."

Keep communication open but be firm on what you will allow.

 

[Thinx]

Friendships do change over time, especially if one person gets into a couple relationship. It does sound like you have given your views, and there's a limit to that. You probably need to step back, and make plans with friends who are more available.

 

[unperson]

I will never get back all the time I spent listening to friends moan about their partner (while being single). Cut her loose.

 

[Suzanne]

Having read your thread, the only solution is to cut ties with your friend, but saying that you are always there if she needs you, but make it clear that is only if things go bad with boyfriend.

Seems she either has stars in her eyes ( I believe is the expression for being in love), or fearful of him, because of his narcissim, and why she falls back on you, but at the same time, chooses him over you.

It seems me lot in life that any female I befriend, disappears on me ie moves away or just visiting.

 

[Judge]

You give, she takes. You give, she takes.

This sort of social dynamic will go in only one direction unless you opt out.

 

[rach3rd]

Am I in the wrong for feeling this way??

You are never wrong to feel how you feel. I’m no expert when it comes to friends, but I think you should set firm boundaries with her and keep them. If she can’t respect those boundaries, then it is probably time to move on.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

She made her choices and that tells you about her. In thinking about her you are chasing a phantom. Whatever else, do not regret letting go. Concentrate on those friends who are accepting.

 

[ForestGumpett]

Hello @crewlucaa_

Your being treated like crap by an old former friend and her immature boyfriend that SHE CHOSE, you had nothing to do with her choices but somehow your still somewhat involved in a relationship not of your making?

This is upsetting to you and rightfully so, I’m saying this because you wrote a long post - I feel the same way about well, at least two ppl I’m thinking of now. Here’s the thing, your former friend is ALLOWING you to feel this way, and your also allowing it by going back to where you get hurt and staying involved even if it’s just enough for you to hear what is being said. Of course it hurts, it would hurt anyone and I am sorry it has happened to you but in the long run are you wasting valuable time on people that do not have your best interest in mind?

Let it go. If you allow it to happen it really is that simple. Just let it go. Let her go, let her poor choice of a b/f go, let all thoughts of her and the way they BOTH treated you go. DO NOT OWN WHAT THEY THROW AT YOU!

There are so many people in this world, take time for yourself, pamper yourself and get involved in things you like and you will make new friends.

Hey I’ve lost a friend that goes back over 40 years due to...heck I don’t really know what happened but our differences on the china flu made her koo-koo so I finally gave up. Yeah, a 40 year friendship. I never liked any of her husbands (she is on #3) but that had nothing to do with it - we got older and we don’t think alike anymore. Same with another couple of friends.

Like @Thinx said, people change - maybe it’s you and not your friends?! Am saying this because with me, I was the one that changed and know it. I no longer “fit” with my friends that party hard and now, have a different mindset. Two big things that changed with me, my relationship to Jesus and my health have both changed in the past 20 years. My friends stayed the same.

Nobody is to blame, BUT it’s time for me to move on and find other friends.

You obviously like dogs so why don’t you get more involved with people that are into dogs? BTW, the dog in your avatar, it looks like one of our rescue pups, is that a Cane Corso?

 

[1ForAll]

So "friend issues" have always been a big thing for me. I'm actually really friendly and people get close to me and feel comfortable with me very quickly. But I don't always feel the same way.
A good percentage of my friendships feel incredibly one-sided. I feel like I give too much and some of my friends take too much. I really only have two solid friendships that I totally feel go both ways and I feel cared about and loved by these two people, but with the friend I'm about to talk about right now, not so much...
I have this one friend who I've been really good friends with for quite a long time now. Or so I thought. At the beginning of our friendship, she was really helpful and supportive and we did everything together. But when she got into a relationship that I believe is a really toxic relationship, which she completely denies is toxic, things changed for the worse.
She's been with this person for a little over a year, since a little before the pandemic. I was distanced from all of my friends throughout the pandemic until April of this year, and my only contact with any of them had been solely online. I heard her talk about this guy a lot but I didn't meet him in person until this past April. My first impression of him was not great... my first thought was that he was really full of himself. The more she brought him around me and our other friends, the more I believed him to be an actual narcissist, extremely controlling, clingy, and not empathetic- including being homophobic, transphobic, fatphobic, and racist (my friend who is dating him does not share those values, which adds to the complexity of this issue)- and btw he uses her for transportation and money.
I was willing to let it go after I told her not to bring him to my house anymore and she seemed to respect my wishes. But the issue I've been having with her and this guy lately is that every time I make plans with her, she cancels her plans with me to hang out with him, sometimes even cancelling at the last second. I wouldn't be too upset if this was like a one-off thing, but this happens pretty much every week, sometimes twice a week, and at this point I don't feel like making plans with her anymore. She always pushes her plans with me to the side for this guy and it's rude. I understand making your significant other the priority but he should not have this much priority over her other friends, at least not to the point of backing out of plans she's already made just to appease him.
She also calls me and texts me all the time asking for advice and emotional support but I feel worn out since I'm not getting any support back.
It's probably also worth mentioning that her boyfriend has made comments about my gender identity, sexuality, ethnic background, and weight... and said all this stuff behind my back while trying to get close to me to take advantage of my kindness. I only found out recently through another friend that he said those things but I'm not surprised tbh. I wish he would just tell me to my face that he doesn't like me and thinks horrible things about me instead of talking behind my back. That's a pet peeve of mine and I would not do that to my friends. Obviously she knows he does all this stuff and is still with him...
I don't know what the best course of action would be at this point... I don't necessarily want to end a long-term friendship over a petty thing like this and I don't want to start drama but this is really making me angry. Am I in the wrong for feeling this way?? I've already tried to talk this out with her multiple times and she always apologizes and says it'll change but it doesn't. What should I do?? I don't want to lose her but I'm starting to have my doubts about continuing this friendship. I should also note that I don't have feelings for her so that's not adding a layer of complication... I'm only attracted to men!

No, you are not wrong to feel that way. I am one of the giver types too, but for friendships I require equal care and reciprocation shown, and I am very aware when others are disrespectful, one-sided, and/ or taking advantage of me, regardless of intention, and I back away then there. That would upset me too, from all you said, and I'd be even more upset if some guy like him was the cause for the friendship to erode. My sister was the same way. She was toxic like that guy you mentioned. She became history.

So, in your case, I'd likely question too if I wanted to remain friends with one like her, as if she liked/loved those types of persons, it shows partly her character as well. I myself don't waste my time on narcissists, abusers, and enablers of such, unless they sincerely admit wrongs, and show through actions they want to learn and be better persons. Like is too short to spend much energies there, as most of those person's won't change or even attempt such, as we are either the problem in their eyes, or are less deserving of attention unless they get something from us, then they will flock temporarily to us and use us there.

 

[Luca]

...

Thank you, Suzette... that makes a lot of sense. Other friends have mentioned that he is probably jealous of me or feels threatened. And yes, my friend is insecure and that's likely how she ended up with him.
I completely agree that he's lying to her and gaslighting her. I've seen this in action sadly.
She definitely wants to keep me as a friend but as you said is "dangling promises" and has a really hard time setting boundaries with him. I don't know all the ins and outs of their relationship but I do know that he can be very manipulative.
After having had a long conversation with her today, I think I'll try to give her another chance. But serious boundaries are needed for sure. I like your advice about what to say; I'll definitely word it like that!

...

That's very true, Thinx. I've made plans with other friends for the next few days. Thank you for your helpful advice!

...

I get tired of it too... Cutting her loose may be the only way to solve this eventually.

...

I'll definitely tell her I'll always be there if she needs me. But I am probably not the right person to ask for relationship advice or get involved in helping her figure out her relationship. I do believe that she is fearful of him and that's why it's so hard to not just be completely empathetic about this. I feel bad either way!

...

I know... Like I said previously, it's hard to not just be completely empathetic and just want to keep helping. But I know that if it's never going to change it is what it is and I should move on. I end up in a lot of situations like this one unfortunately where I give it all and other people take it all. I feel like I may have been too hard on her in our conversation today but I know at this point I probably need to be... One of my biggest flaws is giving people too many chances, but I have so much love for my friends that it gets really difficult to say goodbye when I have to. But I've made up my mind that this chance will be her last one.

...

Yes, exactly what I was thinking!! Thank you.

...

It's hard to see it like that but I know you're right, that it should tell me something about her. I'm so willing to blame her boyfriend for all of this but I know on some level that this has to do with her, too. And that makes me sad.

...

Hello to you too, ForestGumpett And thank you!!
Letting things go is really hard for me... but as I said, this is her last chance! I know in my heart that this friendship is probably not meant to be and I just need to suck it up and move on. But it's so hard to detach myself from people I love. I still love this person as a friend, although she's been terrible since she's been with this guy.
I've lost friends over religious and political beliefs too, which is very sad to me because I don't judge people based on those things!
I do feel like I've changed a lot compared to my friends... I've grown up. A lot of them haven't. I'm a little more ambitious than a lot of them and I'm definitely more mature than a lot of them too. I'm not judging them at all or trying to shame them for being that way, but we're just... different... at this point in our lives. And that's ok, it just might be hard to maintain a friendship if my friends and I are on two different paths, if that makes sense?
And yes, that's me and my dog in my avatar!! She's a Dogo Argentino! But Cane Corso are also one of my favorites!!
I've made a lot of new friends who love dogs so I'll definitely try to spend more time with them.

...

Thank you for your advice. You're very kind!
I need to get better at backing away like you said when I'm not getting equal care from my friends. I'm totally aware of all those things too but it's hard to shut it down right away when I still care about the person. I don't want to be around narcissists. I'm sad that she does.

Thank you so much everyone!! Your advice was all extremely helpful and I've read all your posts over and over and taken everything into consideration!!

It wouldn't let me post the message with more than 1000 characters lol so hopefully you can all still tell who I quoted!! Sorry about that!
- Luca