Should I go or stay away?

[Gerald Wilgus]

While my mother died last year, we have been waiting for the Canadian border to open up to inter her ashes in the family plot in Windsor and I am having a hard time deciding whether to go or not.

Despite her trying her hardest to provide her children with enrichment. I do not know if I want to attend that and a luncheon for friends and family, especially seeing my siblings. My social dysfunction and extreme social anxiety kept me isolated as a teen and young adult, and had repercussions sexually too.

I remain enraged and bitter and seeing my siblings will only remind me that:
1. everyone could observe my isolation and never even helped
2. while the oldest I was the last to lose my virginity (a full 5 sigma past the median age)
3. I am the only one in my family never to have the opportunity for multiple partners.

I cannot trust my responses to them and I have never shared my diagnosis. Plus if somebody should comment that my mother was a good person they may get a very long profanity filled lecture from me for the neglect I felt over my isolation.

 

[ForestGumpett]

I get it and when my mother passes if before me then I will be somewhat in your shoes and have thought about it. If it were me I’d find a way not to go, I cannot see how it would make anyone “feel” better esp you. I have finally learned to respect myself and have difficulty making decisions but have made some to keep healthy boundaries with my FOO. If you think you will be stepped on then don’t put yourself out there. Again, what good would it do anyone?

Wish you the best, sorry for the loss of your Mom.

 

[Wulven]

Then you already have your answer.

 

[Suzette]

Does any of your family reach out to you now? If not, nothing has changed since you were a kid. I would take a pass on any family gathering. It does not sound like there is anything in it for you. They will be just fine.

You, on the other hand, can have a peacful day.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Then you already have your answer.

I wish I felt easy about that, but I don't. I know that should I react It will only have people question me and as the person who brought her home to hospice as she desired, and her executor, people would expect my attendance. But holding things in and once I am alone what I would feel will be unhealthy too.

 

[Nairobi]

That's tough! It sounds like you could easily be triggered into expressing truths that others will find upsetting, inappropriate for the event or just plain inappropriate in general, and may just use to look down on you, new ammo. Or, you have to be so good at masking that you won't risk letting your true colors shine through - and do you even want to attempt that?

There is the slim chance that you will have a fresh vision of your family having had some distance between you, and it could be good - maybe you would even have positive conversations to soften past negative experiences.

I think you need to get down to the bottom of your why. If you're like me, that why is unfortunately always more about feeling obliged to others than truly wanting to myself, which only motivates me from fear, not true love. I'm not sure what I'll do when my father dies. The community will have a lot of harsh words for me.

 

[unperson]

Are you sole executor?

I was pretty much left to grow up in a cupboard, psychologically. My siblings knew they could abuse/ignore me without repercussions.

 

[watersprite]

I wish I felt easy about that, but I don't. I know that should I react It will only have people question me and as the person who brought her home to hospice as she desired, and her executor, people would expect my attendance. But holding things in and once I am alone what I would feel will be unhealthy too.

Incredibly difficult. This sort of duty-bound task drives many people to drugs &/or drinking too much.
Make 2 columns.
Dump all the negatives under the go and then the stay column.
Sum then up. Let the worst one be your guide as to what not to do.

I skipped my closest brother’s ceremony of life. There was absolutely no way I could drive out, deal with 50 family members and then somehow drive back home. So, while it was happening I went for a hike at the lake and thought of him and how much he would’ve enjoyed fishing there, how I wished he hadn’t become an addict, and how much I loved him despite all the pain.

 

[Wulven]

I wish I felt easy about that, but I don't. I know that should I react It will only have people question me and as the person who brought her home to hospice as she desired, and her executor, people would expect my attendance. But holding things in and once I am alone what I would feel will be unhealthy too.

Deal with it privately. The funeral will not help put your mind at ease as you have indicated. Just tell them your not ready emotionally. That they will understand.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Are you sole executor?

I was pretty much left to grow up in a cupboard, psychologically. My siblings knew they could abuse/ignore me without repercussions.

I think that they, like many, made the assumption that because of my intellectual accomplishments I was normal. Nobody really ignored me in many respects and I did not let on the stress that I felt that everybody seemed to act like my lack of any relationship was a deliberate choice I made.

 

[Nairobi]

I think that they, like many, made the assumption that because of my intellectual accomplishments I was normal. Nobody really ignored me in many respects and I did not let on the stress that I felt that everybody seemed to act like my lack of any relationship was a deliberate choice I made.

That was how it was for me, too. You put it into words for me.

 

[Au Naturel]

While my mother died last year, we have been waiting for the Canadian border to open up to inter her ashes in the family plot in Windsor and I am having a hard time deciding whether to go or not.

Despite her trying her hardest to provide her children with enrichment. I do not know if I want to attend that and a luncheon for friends and family, especially seeing my siblings. My social dysfunction and extreme social anxiety kept me isolated as a teen and young adult, and had repercussions sexually too.

I remain enraged and bitter and seeing my siblings will only remind me that:
1. everyone could observe my isolation and never even helped
2. while the oldest I was the last to lose my virginity (a full 5 sigma past the median age)
3. I am the only one in my family never to have the opportunity for multiple partners.

I cannot trust my responses to them and I have never shared my diagnosis. Plus if somebody should comment that my mother was a good person they may get a very long profanity filled lecture from me for the neglect I felt over my isolation.

When you get past all that you will realize that none of it matters.

People are who they are. Just as you are who you are. Everyone is is a product of their own past experiences and whatever genes they inherited. There is a lot less free agency in the world than we imagine. A lot of people lack empathy. Just a fact of life, like rain and heat. There were probably a few people who reached out to you and you didn't realize it or you were so deep into depression that you ignored them. Or rejected them out of cynicism. My younger years had a bit of that.

Angry people are obsessed with the past. Being angry will not change what happened but will ensure that you can't move forward in the present. You can resent your late loss of virginity or lack of multiple partners or that others didn't comprehend what you were going through or lacked empathy for you. Since the resentment clearly hurts you but is completely ineffective in changing what happened, I'd see a therapist with the intent of losing that resentment. (Took me decades to make any progress on my own.) You're holding onto a hot coal but even if you get an unlikely chance to throw it at someone, nothing will have changed and maybe even have gotten worse for you.

Oftentimes we hang onto the resentment because it becomes part of our self-definition. One is not just a person one is a resentful, victimized person - and you take on that role. That becomes your self image. It lets you feel superior to your victimizers and you imagine that somehow letting it all go invalidates the pain you've felt. Well, you shouldn't and it doesn't. Forgive them their trespasses, accept your own trespasses and then forgive yourself. Ain't nobody without sin.

You should go if you think there's something to be gained. Possibly even mend some fences. Or maybe you'd like a little Canadian vacation. I certainly would love to visit a place that isn't Death Valley lite.

 

[Suzette]

Oftentimes we hang onto the resentment because it becomes part of our self-definition

In my case, I held on to my resentments out of pure habit. I had gotten so used to ruminating over my grievences I didn't notice that decades had past. Oops!

But being free of the pain begins with me. I have been feeding the pain and keeping it alive. So the only way out is to let it go.

 

[Au Naturel]

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Thank you all. And, @Au Naturel, why are you being the voice of reason when my irrational mind just wants to kick things apart? That well of anger and bitterness is why I am getting counseling, so I hope to resolve it and learn some positivity.

 

[unperson]

If they's got no empathy, there's not much point in contact, it'll just be more of the same.

 

[Au Naturel]

B

Thank you all. And, @Au Naturel, why are you being the voice of reason when my irrational mind just wants to kick things apart? That well of anger and bitterness is why I am getting counseling, so I hope to resolve it and learn some positivity.

Because I was there decades ago and went on a quest to find a way out.

 

[Aspychata]

Of course l am going the reward route. Can you have something fun to do afterwards (the adams family get together)?

Like go check out a famous tourist attraction, take in a concert, find a sweet bed and breakfast place to hang for 2 days?

If you plan something fun afterwards, you can focus on that and reward yourself for emotional regulation. Just a thought. Be careful with anything hemp, l have heard people getting arrested with hemp products entering US.

And meds are cheaper in Canada, maybe a start Prozac a week before you leave and quit it the min you come back?

 

[Thinx]

It's good that you are doing therapy, you've mentioned before that you are. You're probably already onto this, but was one of your parents or carers liable to show a victimised or passive aggressive response to problems? It could be this tendency grew due to them being powerless or relatively helpless in difficult times in their own childhoods. Then it can shape how we are as adults.

Something like this may have deepened your own sense of helplessness as a child and young adult, we can only learn what our parents or carers know or seem to feel is true about coping, then our further chances to grow depend on what else we come across.

Maybe they needed to revise this view based on experience, in order to have been there for you? Maybe they didn't or felt they couldn't. Maybe you can, and will?

 

[Nairobi]

Something like this may have deepened your own sense of helplessness as a child and young adult, we can only learn what our parents or carers know or seem to feel is true about coping, then our further chances to grow depend on what else we come across.

This makes me glad that I decided to get out and into the world. yes, I had many misadventures as well, but knowing all of those people and having all of those experiences probably helped form me, which is nice to know something acted as a counterbalance to how I was being affected by my family.