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Should I Contact Her again?...

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by Pariah Dog, Feb 7, 2018.

  1. Pariah Dog

    Pariah Dog Well-Known Member

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    I have gone out with a lady a few times but now haven't seen her in more than 2 weeks. A fair bit of time passed between each time we had seen each other. The last time went fairly well. We were walking back to out cars and when it came to the split direction point she chose to take a bit of a longer route seeming to hold my hand a bit longer. It ended with a hug goodbye and the usual mutual "let me know you got home safe."

    The week after we didn't see each other. Her car was broke and said she doesn't want to go out until it's fixed. I said I can pick you up but she said "No, I'd feel bad about it." We talked by text over a few days. After a week her car was apparently not fixed yet. I was noticing that whenever we converse lately over text it is always me who initiates it. I thought I would put it to the test and see if or when she contacts me again. Its been 6 days and... nothing. I figure I take that to mean "not interested, and whatever this may have been has run it's course." I am thinking I have lost points by moving too slowly.

    But maybe I'm wrong. She is a highly independent sort of person. Like myself takes a pretty old fashion approach to dating. She made it clear the first night that she is not interested in just "hooking up" and seemed relieved I was on the same page. She is also kind of nerdy and different in that sort of way.

    I intend to make contact once more I think. Giving the benefit of the doubt. Maybe this lack of contact is her independence and not having a strong need for another person. Maybe there is some angle I can't comprehend due to social understanding as an aspie. In one way I feel like I may be breaking "the rules" and my own rule by folding and making the next first contact. On the other hand if I'm unknowingly in a "Mexican standoff" where each is expecting the other to make the next move, It would be silly to let something that might be a good thing fade away.

    And insight to the matter?
     
  2. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I was laughing as I read, because it is like: hang on a minute! Am I reading about my life here? Lol

    Anyway, because my heart is not involved here, I seem to think that she is deliberately keeping away, because she does not want you to offer to help, because, in truth, your last encounter, certainly did not suggest she was trying to get away!

    Does she know you have aspergers? Because it is a good time to let her know and explain that her silence is confusing to you. That you rather she just tell it how it is.

    Personally I would take the plunge and contact her and do not even mention the car; just about arranging for a date. This means that you are giving her the choice to make a decision in regards to the car.

    My husband has taught me to let the other person own their own thoughts and thus, I see that by not mentioning her car, you automatically calm her fears that you are trying to be the "night in shining armor".

    Anyway, seems all positive to me.
     
  3. Dalton

    Dalton Active Member

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    Some girls are just difficult to talk with.
     
  4. BK201

    BK201 Well-Known Member

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    I'd tell her that I'm definitely interested in her and if she is still interested in me, to contact me, and that if she isn't I understand. And then I'd wait.
     
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  5. Pariah Dog

    Pariah Dog Well-Known Member

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    So I broke down and texted her again. Made a point of calling her "stranger." I asked if she would go out again sometime, not this weekend because I'm busy. She says "sure." There wasn't a whole lot more to the conversation. Interestingly cryptic.
     
  6. Starfire

    Starfire Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    This is a really tough one, I empathise with you. There is nothing worse than are we aren't we, shall I shan't I etc. What you may take from it is she said "sure", not no thanks. I understand that she's not interested in "hook ups" but I don't get the impression that you have been pushy in that department, or she would have said no! If it was me, next meet I would put my cards on the table and ask her if she is happy just being friends, or if she thinks there might be a chance of romance between you, (or words to that effect). It might seem a little blunt, but there's no point in messing around and risking gradually becoming emotionally involved with someone who doesn't reciprocate, that will only lead to heartache. Do you know if she is on the spectrum too?
     
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  7. Pariah Dog

    Pariah Dog Well-Known Member

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    She is a little different, kind of nerdy and follows her own beliefs. Part of this may be cultural as well, be born and raised in Southern Europe. I don't suspect she is on the spectrum however.

    I do not intend to go the "friend zone" route. If that comes up I plan to bet "all in." I can tell her I already have enough friends or something to that effect, immediately followed by a kiss. If that fails, then at least I can say I went down swingin'
     
  8. Pariah Dog

    Pariah Dog Well-Known Member

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    Well that came to an end. She didn't feel a connection due to my failure to move things forward. Said I was very disconnected, and thinks I am not ready to be in a relationship. The context doesn't add up, she thinks I am not ready since the last one and that's why I am disconnected. However I know I just am the way I am, and it is aspergers related. I did not tell her this however as there would be no point to it whatsoever. She said in the future I should be more demanding of people to get what I want and make things happen. She said we are on different wave lengths. I thought its no so much we are on different wave lengths but that my transmitter is broken. :laughing:

    Lesson learned, that is a bit disappointing (even though I knew it was finished before she confirmed it). Move onwards and better luck next time.

    But it does make me wonder for next time. Suppose I make better effort to get things moving. A lady may or may not feel a "connection" or "chemistry" toward me. I use quotations because I have a very primitive grasp of both those concepts and had no grasp at all until my late 20s (now 32). Maybe a lady feels something toward me, but I may never know if I feel a connection or chemistry. I don't know if I am capable of really grasping that which NT's seem to take for granted almost as normal as breathing. That drummed up a couple other questions in my mind. If I am not capable of comprehending a connection or chemistry (I'm not sure I understand the difference between the two terms), does it mean I am not capable of outputting that factor for a lady to detect? And secondly If a lady feels this type of connection with me, does that make it fake on my end since I'm not clear if this component of me even exists?

    These questions may be fairly rhetorical, some insights would be interesting though.
     
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  9. Dorkasour

    Dorkasour Active Member

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    Be more demanding to get what you want? That might be really inappropriate to some women depending on what you want. I would be very uncomfortable if a man (or woman) was too demanding of what they wanted in a relationship. I am a bit confused on what she is saying.
     
  10. Pariah Dog

    Pariah Dog Well-Known Member

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    I don't think she meant to do it in a rude obnoxious way. I think she meant to be more assertive, and make my directional intention clear. English is not her first language. It may not have been the best choice of wording.