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Featured should I be concerned over lack of concern?

Discussion in 'Friends, Family & Social Skills' started by Pats, Mar 8, 2020.

  1. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    My sister texted me that my brother was in the hospital, diverticulitis (which I know is not good) and possible appendectomy. She asked if I want to know those things. I responded "she can". But I have no concern over him. I don't really want to tell her that. I'm not cold and heartless, I'm not sure I understand myself my total lack of empathy there. It's kind of like my dad, I guess. I could easily get mad at him, but lost concern when things would happen and I knew I wouldn't miss him when he died and I don't. But my sister felt the same way so it was easier to be open about it. With my brother, they care tremendously, and it's not easy for me to tell them that I just don't. I care about others, even people I don't know, I will feel concern about. It's just not there with him - am I cold and heartless?
     
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  2. Raggamuffin

    Raggamuffin Well-Known Member

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    I wouldn't say you're cold and heartless. I'm sure there's lots of things that evoke strong emotions in you. There's no sense trying to force emotion when there is none. I keep responses brief but respectful and polite. That's all anyone can ask really.

    Ed
     
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  3. GadAbout

    GadAbout Well-Known Member

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    I don't have much context on your history with your brother. There are estrangements in my family, and over decades, you just scab over and heal where there was a rift. I have a dispassionate humanistic concern over these people, meaning, I don't want bad things happening to them; but there will never again be meaningful relationship.

    I think we learn, after many repeated disappointments or traumas, that a certain person is just someone to be separate from.

    And I think this is not related to autism - I think neurotypicals could say the same thing.
     
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  4. Aneka

    Aneka Member

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    I think it's natural. Like someone else has written estrangements happen. A blood relation is simply not enough for a good and healthy relationship. I didn't care for my grandfather's death although we pretty much shared a household. It's natural. I can't speak for all aspies but I feel like I'm more blunt and honest in the matter than a neurtypical person. I do the same, I am polite, I help when asked for and in case my help is appreciated.

    If someone asks me about my grandfather I'll tell them we didn't have a relationship. I remember how fake his burial was. All people standing there with deadly serious expression and 'mourning' even the ones who sad bad things about him before.

    If your brother has helped you in the past, help him now. It all depends on your relationship.
     
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  5. Aneka

    Aneka Member

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    Just looked up diverticulitis, I've had the same along with appendectomy, it's no big deal. I've had sugery and been out of hospital three days later.
     
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  6. Mary Terry

    Mary Terry Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    You're right. I can attest that NTs have the same questions, issues, feelings, lack of feelings, the whole deal. I guess it all boils down to our prior relationships with people that we are "supposed" to love.
     
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  7. Mia

    Mia Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I don't think so. I'm similar, in that I'm close to two family members and not to the others. If the 'others' were ill, I might express concern in keeping with social norms; "that's too bad" or "sorry to hear that" but, that would be all. And I would replay their treatment of me over the years (none of it kind), to attempt to forget it or reconcile it in my own mind. Then I would move on as usual without caring about them. Because I don't.
     
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  8. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    A family relationship is not enough to make people care if there hasn't been kind and friendly relating. It's just a technicality. And if the person has on the whole been mean there may well be a lack of even ordinary fellow feeling, due to their poor behaviour. Think that's probably the situation here.

    Don't beat your self up, you can't fake it if it isn't there, nor should you. Btw, diverticulitis is very common, I have family who have had it all their lives, it's not usually fatal.
     
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  9. Trophonius

    Trophonius Active Member

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    "Cold and heartless" are relative words people apply to us when they believe we should be more affectionate, but most of the time there is no need for us to be that way — we're free to establish relationships with whomever we want, and whenever we want.

    I don't think it is imperative for you to feel concern for any member of your family.
     
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2020
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  10. Ken S.

    Ken S. Dog Cookie King V.I.P Member

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    The only immediate family members I felt concern and loss over (My mother and both my grandfathers) have all passed. The rest including all my aunts, cousins, father and siblings I won't mourn. There are people in my life that I will miss when gone. If it makes you cold then I am no better.
     
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  11. Rasputin

    Rasputin ASD-1 / Aspie V.I.P Member

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    I am the same way, and I try to fake it in an effort to be socially acceptable. It's bad enough that my NT wife told me I was not human. All you can do is try your best to seem normal.
     
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  12. Aspychata

    Aspychata My Art Work

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    If we asked everybody to raise their hands who don't care about about one or more of their family members, the sky would be dark and the sun totally oblivated from all the hands flapping in the sky. Is it safe to assume you feel no connection to him, so you are stating you feel guilty? About him coming across as a complete stranger? It happens but maybe you never really bonded.
     
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  13. Major Tom

    Major Tom Searching for ground control... V.I.P Member

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    I share a similar feeling of uncaring unless it's a few family members like my wife and son and also a couple of friends. I don't think it's anything to worry about, I doubt you are a psychopath.

    For me, I just don't like to fake emotion that is not there.
     
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  14. Alexej

    Alexej Well-Known Member

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    I understand, but for me I would point to alexithymia as part of the response for me.
     
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  15. Fridgemagnetman

    Fridgemagnetman I only have one V.I.P Member

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    Synchronized stimming
     
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  16. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    It was a busy weekend for me. Saturday my youngest daughter and her family, and my youngest son and his family was here for dinner, then yesterday, my oldest daughter and her family was here for dinner. So I hadn't had a lot of time to think, but I have given it some thought and I realized something. All my life my brother has held things over me, giving him power over me. Now that he no longer has anything to control me, there's nothing else between us. There is no special bond there. What was confusing was that I always thought there was a bond, but I mistook the control thing for a bond. So I guess, more than anything I was surprised that there was no feeling toward him. He's no more than a stranger to me and it's okay.
    Of course, my lack of concern over him being in the hospital may have something to do with him causing my daughter to be in the hospital getting hydrated and trying to keep her from early labor with her last baby.
    Anyhow, I feel better and thanks for all the supportive comments.
     
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  17. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    You were concerned enough to post about it. Though yes, we support your perspective on it all.

    Well done. ;)
     
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  18. Yeshuasdaughter

    Yeshuasdaughter Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    This is disturbing. While it's perfectly normal for an aspie to not know how to feel or not even feel at first, it's not okay to say you don't care if a loved one dies. That shows immaturity and narcissism, or perhaps even sociopathy.
     
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  19. Ken S.

    Ken S. Dog Cookie King V.I.P Member

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    Unless you know the specifics of a situation you have no right to pass judgement. Just because someone is a blood relative does not mean they are a loved one. What about a father that tried to beat the autism out of their child. Would you consider that a "Loved one?"
     
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  20. Ken S.

    Ken S. Dog Cookie King V.I.P Member

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    I'm sorry you have an NT wife like that. Mine does her best to understand my problems and give me space when I need it.
     
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