• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Should I apologize to my aspie ex for being oblivious?

312Sarah

Active Member
Years ago I dated an aspie guy and was madly in love with him. I broke things off because I didn't think he felt the same way about me, but due to a bunch of factors our relationship ended rather ambiguously but somehow also amicably. We are still good friends. I did not know then that he was on the spectrum, but now I know he was/is, though we have never talked about it. I realize now in hindsight that I likely hurt him on multiple occasions due to my complete ignorance and failure to realize he just doesn't/can't communicate like I do. I remember thinking to myself all the time "It's not my fault you/he can't communicate like a normal person!" Now I feel awful because he could not, in fact, communicate like NTs would expect. I have no idea if I ever actually said this to him or not, but I certainly had that thought on a near daily basis. I failed to see what might have been obvious to me had I been better informed.

My question is--would it be weird to apologize? I don't know if he knows he has AS, so I don't want to use any labels, but I want to tell him something like "I know more about you now than I did then, and if I had known, I would have made different choices" or that "I now know more about the way you communicate, and I'm sorry I didn't see that back then. If I had known I would have tried to be more patient and understanding."

I'm not sure if he would even know what I'm talking about, since I'm not sure whether he knows.

What do you think? If you are on the spectrum would you welcome this kind of thing from an old friend, or would you think this was ridiculous and weird?
 
I'd be taken aback, personally, if someone approached me this way.
It would seem to me like a person pursuing a 12-step program, and
needing to make amends.

I'd feel rather put on the spot.

How would you feel if some person approached you this way?
Not that your response necessarily would resemble mine or
your ex-boyfriend's.
 
If he's truly an "ex", does it really matter? In this context, I say "Look out for number one." ;)

Don't get me wrong though. I've carried a lot of remorse over my failed relationships since learning I was on the spectrum.

Would I want to explain myself to people over such a long time ago? Well, yes I think about it. However I know in my heart it would likely make no difference in their eyes. Whether they were autistic or could understand autism or not.
 
Last edited:
If you don't know whether he knows he has AS, how do you know that he has AS?

This is a good point, as I'm no expert. But man, if there has ever been a textbook case of it, it's this. I mean, everything. It is VERY clear to me that he has it. But this does raise the very important point of how to talk about it if he doesn't know, and I guess I really can't, so maybe that's my answer.
 
If he's truly an "ex", does it really matter? In this context, I say "Look out for number one." ;)

Don't get me wrong though. I've carried a lot of remorse over my failed relationships since learning I was on the spectrum.

Would I want to explain myself to people over such a long time ago? Well, yes I think about it. However I know in my heart it would likely make no difference in their eyes. Whether they were autistic or could understand autism or not.

Thanks. Yes, definitely an ex in terms of an intimate relationship, but still very much a friend. I would not call up or email someone I hadn't spoken to in years to apologize for past actions. That would be weird and very 12-step-like as implied above. But do you have the same opinion if this is someone I'm still in contact with on a frequent basis? Or still the same--irrelevant and not worth mentioning?
 
It is VERY clear to me that he has it.

But you don't really know. Maybe he knows he's on the spectrum and just doesn't want to tell anyone, maybe he doesn't know and it's not really your place to tell him...or maybe he's not even on the spectrum.

Personally I do think it's weird to apologise years later, especially as you don't actually definitely know of any diagnoses he may (or may not) have. Let sleeping dogs lie comes to mind.
 
Thanks. Yes, definitely an ex in terms of an intimate relationship, but still very much a friend. I would not call up or email someone I hadn't spoken to in years to apologize for past actions. That would be weird and very 12-step-like as implied above. But do you have the same opinion if this is someone I'm still in contact with on a frequent basis? Or still the same--irrelevant and not worth mentioning?

If you're still in contact with them, there's no point in making references of any kind about your past relationship. It will just bring up memories that one or both of you would probably prefer to avoid. I suppose much of such an equation depends on the degree of hurt of one or both parties. Just no uptake in opening up a potentially old "wound" IMO.

Unless of course you are certain to the contrary. :eek:
 
i think its always important to know what it is you want, will apologising open doors that you don't want to open, will apologising raise hopes where you don't mean to

if you say 'if i'd known, i would have acted different', i personally would interpret it as follows:
'she wouldn't say such a thing if she didn't want to get back together, what is the point of saying it otherwise' - in my eyes such a statement implies intent

i have often gotten upset when people have apologised to me when actually they are doing it for themselves and not for my wellbeing - if you say these things for some 'karmic' reason to make yourself feel better about the past, then essentially you would be doing it for yourself and not necessarily to make him feeling, apologies aren't always altruistic

at the end of the day i guess:
- either you are apologising for the past with the hope off reanimating a relationship beyond friendship > maybe it's worth the risk
- or you have gained understanding but don't want to change the past > there's no point in reopening the issue if you are still friends, just adapt your behaviour going forward and que sera sera
 
i think its always important to know what it is you want, will apologising open doors that you don't want to open, will apologising raise hopes where you don't mean to

if you say 'if i'd known, i would have acted different', i personally would interpret it as follows:
'she wouldn't say such a thing if she didn't want to get back together, what is the point of saying it otherwise' - in my eyes such a statement implies intent

i have often gotten upset when people have apologised to me when actually they are doing it for themselves and not for my wellbeing - if you say these things for some 'karmic' reason to make yourself feel better about the past, then essentially you would be doing it for yourself and not necessarily to make him feeling, apologies aren't always altruistic

at the end of the day i guess:
- either you are apologising for the past with the hope off reanimating a relationship beyond friendship > maybe it's worth the risk
- or you have gained understanding but don't want to change the past > there's no point in reopening the issue if you are still friends, just adapt your behaviour going forward and que sera sera

I think this is very good advice, thanks. And thanks to everyone who responded. I will just let it be.
 
I would say it is a no win situation. I would say no. First, you do not know if he is or not.

He either is and knows it or does not know.
Or he is not and either knows it or does not know (may think he is when he is not, or else know he is not.)

If you approach him when he knows he is but did not want you to know, this would seem intrusive to me. If you approach him when he is and does not know it, he might feel taken aback.

If you approach him and he is not, he might wonder wtheck you are all about. If you approach him when he is not but thinks he is, he might be embarassed.

Your choice but I say no. It just seems to be intrusive and smacking of curiosity
 
Years ago I dated an aspie guy and was madly in love with him. I broke things off because I didn't think he felt the same way about me, but due to a bunch of factors our relationship ended rather ambiguously but somehow also amicably. We are still good friends. I did not know then that he was on the spectrum, but now I know he was/is, though we have never talked about it. I realize now in hindsight that I likely hurt him on multiple occasions due to my complete ignorance and failure to realize he just doesn't/can't communicate like I do. I remember thinking to myself all the time "It's not my fault you/he can't communicate like a normal person!" Now I feel awful because he could not, in fact, communicate like NTs would expect. I have no idea if I ever actually said this to him or not, but I certainly had that thought on a near daily basis. I failed to see what might have been obvious to me had I been better informed.

My question is--would it be weird to apologize? I don't know if he knows he has AS, so I don't want to use any labels, but I want to tell him something like "I know more about you now than I did then, and if I had known, I would have made different choices" or that "I now know more about the way you communicate, and I'm sorry I didn't see that back then. If I had known I would have tried to be more patient and understanding."

I'm not sure if he would even know what I'm talking about, since I'm not sure whether he knows.

What do you think? If you are on the spectrum would you welcome this kind of thing from an old friend, or would you think this was ridiculous and weird?


Wow! I could literally have written that entire post myself! I just did a google search on should I apologize to my aspie ex and am soooo shocked to find this post which almost exactly describes my own situation! I was so interested to read the answers and I would LOVE to talk with you more about this and the answers etc. Sarah. I had to sign u just now whilst on the subway to answer so haven’t had chance to check out the site yet but is there somewhere we can pm?
 
You can mention your thoughts about the past, but keep it brief and talk to him 1-1. Tell him what you learned, what you're open to. How things might be different if he's interested back. Make it personal. Offer a café or restaurant visit and offer to pay to show your seriousness. Schedule this in advance. Let him know he can think about what you said and that if he's not interested in going to that level again, that you still want to keep your friendship.

I think it's good to mention the past in this case, but only briefly. Because, if you try to ask him out again without any real context to it, then I think it would come off as too weird and only a fantasy, some type of hookup, or obsession rather than real hope for something of substance beyond friendship.
 
My mind says yes. I accidentally found out my ex has Aspergers WHILE we were together. I never told him I knew, because it's his business, and frankly, it was not my place.

However, I'm not sure about diagnosing with AS yourself. You may be right, but you also might not be!

That being said, if you think it would be a good idea to reconnect with him, what have you got to lose?
 
Wow! I could literally have written that entire post myself! I just did a google search on should I apologize to my aspie ex and am soooo shocked to find this post which almost exactly describes my own situation! I was so interested to read the answers and I would LOVE to talk with you more about this and the answers etc. Sarah. I had to sign u just now whilst on the subway to answer so haven’t had chance to check out the site yet but is there somewhere we can pm?

Hi. Sorry I’m just seeing this as I haven’t returned to this site in a while. Is there a way to send me a private message?
 
I really don’t know but I hope so! I wonder if I’m allowed to or my email address in here? I’ll give it a go and see if it works! There have been developments - it would be amazing to chat with you!
 
I really don’t know but I hope so! I wonder if I’m allowed to or my email address in here? I’ll give it a go and see if it works! There have been developments - it would be amazing to chat with you!

Offering your personal email address is a thing that it's
better to do in private.

Or you could just start a PM/Private Message Conversation
with another member, on this site.
 
I'm re-reading this thread just now and in this case, I don't think you should talk about the past like this unless the context lends itself naturally.

Saying you would have been different, unless he asks or something like that, is not going to help. Instead, focus on your interest in the present if anything. Tell him how you do or might feel different if he would feel the same way. Indicate why you think things could be different now, and maybe or maybe not ask if he is okay trying things again at this level, and how he might feel if things didn't work out a 2nd time.
 

New Threads

Top Bottom