Sharing

[SimonSays]

I’m not always good at sharing.

I could say it stems from my childhood, being a loner, being alone, not having other kids to play with, making things up, living in my own world. I could say some of it comes from how I look after my things, then seeing the way others don’t look after theirs, and not wanting them to use mine that way.

I might say it comes out of living alone in a small van for a couple of years, doing it by myself, and not having to justify or account for what I did, only deciding how I wanted to and doing it.

But I have played just fine with people before, and I have lived with others too, and yet there was always an element of making sure I had what I needed, and sometimes more than I needed.

This came to a head when I was a dad. I had to become more giving and less selfish, and for the most part I was, although some aspects never left entirely.

But it is money I have the biggest issue with, and something I have always found hard to use, even on myself. I could say it comes out of wanting to use it well, like a tool, to have only what I need and only when I need it. I could say I am just frugal, or maybe tight. I would like to say it is because I don’t want anything to do with a system that values it above all else, and would prefer to work in a gift economy, offering my skills in return for what I need, etc.

I really loved working in the Kibbutz commune system in Israel, where all did things for the good of the whole, doing jobs each liked or wanted to do, having our needs met by others doing their part in other areas, and not needing to deal with cash at all, even though the Kibbutz produced things to sell, and some members chose to work off-site and earn it.

I could say all of that.

I do not always know why I do the things I do; I just find myself doing or not doing, and then recognise how strange my actions could seem to those around me. I have felt I wanted to give, then not done so, just letting things be as they are, letting go of the idea, not wanting to connect love and money. So I look after what I have, which seems to be the right thing to do.

To share well, which many have done with me, showing what it means to do so, isn’t lost on me. I share my ideas, my time, my ability to do things, and especially my words. I’ll fetch and carry, chop wood, dig up your garden, mow your lawn, anything that involves the use of machines, especially if it isn’t easy for someone to do it themselves. But just sharing money almost always feels wrong, and sometimes so powerfully that I cannot deny it.

I used to give it to the beggars in India, until I came to feel this wasn’t right either. And while I don’t see a friend asking for help as a beggar, I have had friends ask to borrow money, that has eventually ended the friendship when it doesn’t get paid back, which challenges me to let the idea go of needing it to be, for the sake of the friendship, or come to realise it was actually the price I had to pay to have it end.

 

[SusanLR]

Giving money never felt right for me either.
The reason being for me is I don't know if it will be used well.

Giving to charity, how do I know the way it will be used or distributed actually?

Give it to the beggar and what will he do with it? Perhaps buy booze, cigs, drugs?
Instead of things needed for living such as food or clothing.

I've loaned it to friends also who never paid it back even when they could.

Giving it as a gift such as in a birthday card or gift card is different. It is a small gift and they
can do with it what they may.

But, sharing money reminds me of the proverb: 'Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.

 

[Misery]

I've always been fine with sharing, but for the most part, nobody around me gives a fart about whatever it is I have. Or, there's just nobody around. These days, nobody around me cares about any of my stuff, as nobody shares any interests with me and everyone is super boring. Way back when, I didnt interact with the other kids because they, too, were boring (and irritating) so no need to worry about that there. What few friends I have had though, have always been welcome to whatever. Which usually means "book borrowing", and by "borrowing" I mean "takes it and then we both forget it even exists later until someone trips on it in his room". To be fair, that one works both ways. I think we each have a small collection of the other's books that we're both too spaced out to think about much.

As for money, I have zero self control and will simply throw it at whatever.

But when it comes to sharing that money with friends, there's always a trade-off. Sort of. Usually, this involves someone coming to a convention with me, but in most cases, while I can pay for the trip, they cannot. So, instead of them paying money for their part, well... they get to do things like lift stuff, and... er... lift stuff. Look, my back is terrible and everyone around me knows it. Nobody ever complains if that is what I want in return for whatever. And there's ALWAYS overly heavy bags to deal with on any trip. Particularly if me and my best friend are the ones going, as we both tend to be like "yeah let's pack ALL THE THINGS into these 8 bags, we're TOTALLY gonna need all of it and it'll definitely fit in the car". Spoiler: we forget half of it is there and it DEFINITELY doesnt fit into the car anyway.

And basically it's like that.

I've lost track of whatever else I was going to say, provided I was going to say anything.

 

[SimonSays]

Giving money never felt right for me either.
The reason being for me is I don't know if it will be used well.

Giving to charity, how do I know the way it will be used or distributed actually?

Give it to the beggar and what will he do with it? Perhaps buy booze, cigs, drugs?
Instead of things needed for living such as food or clothing.

Most of the homeless I see here, in the UK, and especially in central London, tend to sit outside coffee shops and convenience stores, burger chains, and people seem quite generous in giving food and drink. Which means any money they might receive doesn't need to be spent on it. They don't need much clothing other than what they wear as carrying too many things would become a burden.

So if someone gives a homeless person money, it's probably going to be spent on booze and tobacco, not drugs, as drugs would be expensive, but some do sniff lighter fuel.

So I can't begrudge somebody a little alcohol to numb the experience because I can't imagine how difficult physically that must be. Tobacco is another addiction and clearly some money would go there too, so I think if you give you must give unconditionally. But that's only if you feel you want to give.

In India, people usually give a coin or two, or a little food, and booze and tobacco is not really on the agenda, but there are scams and organised begging, and children are abused and used for this purpose. I can't get involved in any of it. There are agencies and charities here who do excellent work. Churches and Associations outreach and help and I've seen this take place and it's good. I prefer to leave it to them. I can't share myself. I can't identify with how they've ended up where they are. I know many have mental health issues and have slipped through the gaps, and there by the grace of God go I.

 

[SimonSays]

I don't like sharing food much, especially Chinese or Indian takeout. I order what I like and that's what I want to eat and I don't take yours so I don't want you to take mine. I know many people like to order a load of different things and then just tuck into what they fancy, especially if they're eating in a restaurant. I'm very particular about what I eat and I like to make my choice and that's what I want to eat. If you didn't order it you don't get to eat it. Consider yourself lucky if I give you a taste, lol.

 

[SimonSays]

What few friends I have had though, have always been welcome to whatever. Which usually means "book borrowing", and by "borrowing" I mean "takes it and then we both forget it even exists later until someone trips on it in his room". To be fair, that one works both ways. I think we each have a small collection of the other's books that we're both too spaced out to think about much.

I get that. Although it would drive me nuts because where things are matters to me. if I lend you something I can't forget about it. I can't assume it doesn't exist any more or it just comes back if it comes back. So I couldn't lend it to you I would have to give it to you and that's different. I'm better with that than I am with sharing.

But when it comes to sharing that money with friends, there's always a trade-off. Sort of. Usually, this involves someone coming to a convention with me, but in most cases, while I can pay for the trip, they cannot. So, instead of them paying money for their part, well... they get to do things like lift stuff, and... er... lift stuff. Look, my back is terrible and everyone around me knows it. Nobody ever complains if that is what I want in return for whatever. And there's ALWAYS overly heavy bags to deal with on any trip. Particularly if me and my best friend are the ones going, as we both tend to be like "yeah let's pack ALL THE THINGS into these 8 bags, we're TOTALLY gonna need all of it and it'll definitely fit in the car".

This I find perfectly reasonable. Perfectly reasonable to have this kind of trade-off. I think that makes you a good friend.

we forget half of it is there and it DEFINITELY doesnt fit into the car anyway.

 

[Misery]

I get that. Although it would drive me nuts because where things are matters to me. if I lend you something I can't forget about it. I can't assume it doesn't exist any more or it just comes back if it comes back. So I couldn't lend it to you I would have to give it to you and that's different. I'm better with that than I am with sharing.

Something tells me you're far more organized than I am as a whole, heh.

I usually have no idea where anything is at any given time and any room I am in is usually destroyed after about an hour. Amazing, really, just how much chaos one can create in a hotel room in that amount of time. I'm never quite sure how it happens, just does. Even right now, at home, I have no idea why the garbage can is suddenly in the middle of the floor and there's a butter knife, a notebook and 3 packs of cards laying in a whole other spot. I know I did SOMETHING with those things but heck if I know what it was. That's how it typically is.

And I could probably drive a lot of people on this site nuts if I were to show a photo of the Wire Ball. Like, think of a bundle of cables that get tangled, right, most people with electronics have that happen, usually under a desk. But for most people, it isnt a giant freaking orb big enough to have an entire keyboard buried in it, as well as 3 controllers and an NES Power Glove assemblage and who knows what else. It is entirely solid and wont unravel if picked up. That thing... I dont even know how that happened.

With that much inherent chaos.... yeah, I'm gonna forget stuff exists.

The idea that it is possible to be organized and actually remember stuff has always fascinated me. And is always baffling.

 

[SimonSays]

The idea that it is possible to be organized and actually remember stuff has always fascinated me. And is always baffling.

There are two ways to making that work. Both have to be in place otherwise for me it can't work.

1. There can't be much stuff.
2. Everything has to have its place.

Sometimes the final resting place for something may take a while to arrive, but wherever it is that's where it always is until it organically/logically finds itself somewhere else. That will be its final resting place. So that without actually having to do anything, a mental mind map arises. When I use something I always put it back in the same place. When I need it I always know where to go because that's where it will be. This only works by myself of course. You could say it's a kind of mindfulness practice. It's not immediately natural to someone who never does it this way, and would take a little time to reorganise the neuro pathways, but once it becomes habit, I don't need to think about where things are, I just know.

I never have to buy something more than once because I forgot I had it in the first place, or needed it but couldn't find it so had to buy it again. I just need life to be really simple.

 

[Nitro]

I loaned a person with a poor track record $15 once, because that was all I had to offer.
When she worked for me, she used to fill the cash drawer at my place of business with IOUs that never got honored on a regular basis.
That cost me a lot of money as it went along and I eventually canned her over it.
I never saw her again. Ever.
Was likely the best money I ever spent

I have the hoarding gene in me, but I also give a lot of stuff away because I have too much "stuff"
Good stuff mind you, but lots of it

 

[Gift2humanity]

Sharing is hard for us Aspies. Especially if we prefer to be alone.

It can feel stressful when someone has put belongings, when we have to sleep in the same room as a sibling in childhood or with someone else, as an adult.

Some of us just like things how we like things. We don't want people taking our clothes, belongings, etc, without our consent.

Depending on our age, if we had the challenges of living on the spectrum before Asperger's was in the public eye, we may have been judged as, "selfish" "distant" "aloof", and so on.

You lived alone in a small van, yet you were also happy to play alone as a child.

As an adult, there is a freedom in not having to be answerable to others for this and that, the van life provided this.

Some autistic people do develop the social skills to live with people, or just to be social, and as kids these socially developed Aspies also played with kids problem free, they just prefer to be alone.

Alone time is important for NT people too.
Then you get your extrovert people on the spectrum.
It's positive that you were aware of what you needed , whether child or adult.

Yes the game changes when people become parents, responsible for meeting the needs of their offspring.

Even parents need their alone time. Dads might retire to their sheds at the bottom of the. garden. Mums might enjoy a movie while kids in bed and Dads are out with mates. These are just examples of any parent.

Your attitude to money sounds wise. Maybe money is not meant to be held stagnant for no reason. This excludes money held by for good reasons, sending kids to university, maintaining things, etc.
Frugality is prudence.

Tightness is hanging onto spare money, refusing to pay ones way, give to someone in need etc.

A gift economy sounds nice. Money is a resource, it can buy time, which is an energy.

Time can be a currency. Time spent doing and returning favour.
The kibbutz sounded interpersonally idyllic.
Strange or not, so long as your decisions on your actions are not harmful, or deprive others, all is well.

If love costs it is not love.
Looking after things is a form of love.

You have to do what feels right for you.

Going by what you said regarding how you share, maybe if you found yourself in a group situation where you were all hungry and only you had money, you might buy the food?

A friend who does not repay more money loaned to them has breached your personal boundaries, and it is right to disengage.

 

[SimonSays]

Going by what you said regarding how you share, maybe if you found yourself in a group situation where you were all hungry and only you had money, you might buy the food?

Many times.

 

[Nitro]

Sharing is hard for us Aspies. Especially if we prefer to be alone.

It's also important to note that not all of us who frequent this forum are aspies.

Some, like me are considered auties due to early developmental milestones that didn't fall into alignment with being "aspie"

We also have the historically referenced PDD-NOS people here too.

 

[WildCat]

I'm usually one of the first to get called when family needs a loan. If you want to call that sharing, I guess that counts, though some of them are pretty slow to pay it back

Apart from that, I'm usually prone to give small things or junk away without expecting anything in return.

 

[Gift2humanity]

It's also important to note that not all of us who frequent this forum are aspies.

Some, like me are considered auties due to early developmental milestones that didn't fall into alignment with being "aspie"

We also have the historically referenced PDD-NOS people here too.

Yes, thank you for reminding me of that

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Something tells me you're far more organized than I am as a whole, heh.

I usually have no idea where anything is at any given time and any room I am in is usually destroyed after about an hour. Amazing, really, just how much chaos one can create in a hotel room in that amount of time. I'm never quite sure how it happens, just does. Even right now, at home, I have no idea why the garbage can is suddenly in the middle of the floor and there's a butter knife, a notebook and 3 packs of cards laying in a whole other spot. I know I did SOMETHING with those things but heck if I know what it was. That's how it typically is.

And I could probably drive a lot of people on this site nuts if I were to show a photo of the Wire Ball. Like, think of a bundle of cables that get tangled, right, most people with electronics have that happen, usually under a desk. But for most people, it isnt a giant freaking orb big enough to have an entire keyboard buried in it, as well as 3 controllers and an NES Power Glove assemblage and who knows what else. It is entirely solid and wont unravel if picked up. That thing... I dont even know how that happened.

With that much inherent chaos.... yeah, I'm gonna forget stuff exists.

The idea that it is possible to be organized and actually remember stuff has always fascinated me. And is always baffling.

Ahem
Thats kinda mean dude. I wanna see the wire ball, please?

 

[SimonSays]

I wanna see the wire ball, please?

Me too!

 

[Gift2humanity]

Me too!

And me

 

[Aspychata]

Something tells me you're far more organized than I am as a whole, heh.

I usually have no idea where anything is at any given time and any room I am in is usually destroyed after about an hour. Amazing, really, just how much chaos one can create in a hotel room in that amount of time. I'm never quite sure how it happens, just does. Even right now, at home, I have no idea why the garbage can is suddenly in the middle of the floor and there's a butter knife, a notebook and 3 packs of cards laying in a whole other spot. I know I did SOMETHING with those things but heck if I know what it was. That's how it typically is.

And I could probably drive a lot of people on this site nuts if I were to show a photo of the Wire Ball. Like, think of a bundle of cables that get tangled, right, most people with electronics have that happen, usually under a desk. But for most people, it isnt a giant freaking orb big enough to have an entire keyboard buried in it, as well as 3 controllers and an NES Power Glove assemblage and who knows what else. It is entirely solid and wont unravel if picked up. That thing... I dont even know how that happened.

With that much inherent chaos.... yeah, I'm gonna forget stuff exists.

The idea that it is possible to be organized and actually remember stuff has always fascinated me. And is always baffling.

But the more complex your hobbies are, the more stuff you have. When my daughter had anime conventions interests, our small place was filled with props she made and stuff to make props. I never said a word that l could barely walk in her room, or that she was out on our little balcony spraying a sword or something else. I saw this as a way for to be active. Then she stayed at a hotel with friends and didn't come back pregnant or drug addict so l am relieved she was able to have a safe outing at such a young age. At one point she suffer a near rape attack but she fought off the guy at the last convention she went too.

Anyways, l believe in helping friends, but l have zero to one or 2 friends. I am very stingy with my time and who l spend it with. That's another reason l never dated much. I can entertain myself happily without someone else. But like other people here, l have had successful and unsuccessful relationships. And l own it.

 

[Misery]

But the more complex your hobbies are, the more stuff you have. When my daughter had anime conventions interests, our small place was filled with props she made and stuff to make props. I never said a word that l could barely walk in her room, or that she was out on our little balcony spraying a sword or something else. I saw this as a way for to be active. Then she stayed at a hotel with friends and didn't come back pregnant or drug addict so l am relieved she was able to have a safe outing at such a young age. At one point she suffer a near rape attack but she fought off the guy at the last convention she went too.

Anyways, l believe in helping friends, but l have zero to one or 2 friends. I am very stingy with my time and who l spend it with. That's another reason l never dated much. I can entertain myself happily without someone else. But like other people here, l have had successful and unsuccessful relationships. And l own it.

See I'd love to use "complex hobbies" as an excuse but it wouldnt work in my case. In particular I dont build the costume-related stuff, as that would be a hideous disaster, I pay someone else to do that. I can barely use a small tube of Elmer's Glue without something ending up in pieces, so.... yeah, I dont make stuff.

No, the hotel rooms end up like that regardless of anything else I might be doing or why I might even be at that particular hotel.

Ahem
Thats kinda mean dude. I wanna see the wire ball, please?

Well, I'll have to get meaner then, as I cant show it, due to it being at my mom's house.

To compensate, here is a spooky hall:

I tried to think of other weird things to take a photo of but we're in the middle of preparation for a move and most things are boxed up.

 

[ForestGumpett]

I don’t like ppl touching my stuff unless they ask and it’s okay with me. Yeah, I’m like that a lot. I’d rather go and buy you whatever it is so you don’t touch my stuff.
Don’t even like folks to touch me, like the back hold with a palm of their hand or the flip the hand on my shoulder to get my attention. Don’t touch me lol!!!

A flip side to that is giving. I’ve never been rich, but what little time in my life an adult did raise me, she (grandmother) did and she taught me a lot about giving and I LOVE TO GIVE STUFF! Good stuff, things ppl need, and it’s even better if you secretly find out what they need and just send it without telling! I’ll give money too, not to friends but to family BUT with the comment “No payback”, it’s a gift. Sucks to live with owing somebody over your head and not gonna do that to them.

We give to churches and some other needy organizations we believe in.

My Grandmother told me growing up, “You cannot out-give God”! She’s right, I’ve never wanted for anything as far as basic needs go.