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Sexual Relationship with an Aspergers Partner

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by Erin Cao, Nov 11, 2019.

  1. Erin Cao

    Erin Cao New Member

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    Hello! As someone who has been dating a partner with Aspergers for over a year, I still have so many questions I don’t know how to begin to answer and so many parts of him I don’t quite understand. But I want to - more than anything. So I hope it’s okay I came here for advice.

    When my partner and I first met, we were incredibly sexual and our physical intimacy and acts essentially bonded the two of us together. He told me he hadn’t had sex for a long time even though he only recently broke up with his girlfriend before me. He said the sex just naturally faded from the relationship.

    Recently, however, his interest in sex with me has also really faded. We’ve had a lot more tension than the first time we met, a lot more discomfort with our own bodies around each other, and I’ve had to tell him how I didn’t like to be touched in certain ways. I’m wondering if any or all of this has contributed to this feeling and if there is a healthy way to maybe inspire more sex in our relationship without pressuring him or making him feel bad he doesn’t desire it as much.

    Has anyone here had or has a partner that has had a really sharp decrease in sexual desire? Should I set my expectations to expect little to no sex in our relationship going forward, or is there a way to help him feel more comfortable and less repulsed by the act itself?
     
  2. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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  3. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    image-w1280 (1).jpg

    Aspie #1: Supreme Aspie, why is it that neurotypicals are so preoccupied with carnal activities?
    Supreme Aspie: The innate drive to make many little neurotypicals I imagine.
    Aspie #2: But aren't there enough already?

    ;)
     
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  4. Bolletje

    Bolletje Potato chip wizard V.I.P Member

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    I have bipolar disorder as well as Aspergers. My libido is tied very much to my mood disorder: hypersexual in hypomanic and manic states, very low libido when depressed.
    But I also have a few universal triggers for low libido: stress, pain, struggles in my relationship. When I don’t feel comfortable in my body or my mind, I don’t feel like having sex. And sometimes just being in a rut together lowers my libido. My relationship is perfectly fine at the moment, but with cohabitation it’s easy to fall into a rut. We both do our own things, we hang around each other a lot, we see each other at our best and our worst. My boyfriend’s thunderous morning farts don’t really make me want to jump his bones.
    But we try to introduce a little romance back into our relationship by planning date nights. We cook a fancy dinner together, our phones are off, we have a glass of wine and just talk about stuff. So a bit of emotional intimacy. And we try to have sex on date night. Unless I’m really not feeling it, I try to work up the enthusiasm for physical intimacy as well.
     
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  5. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Sry, but was too funny not to commend. As the saying goes 'It's an ill wind that blows nobody any good.'

    ;)
     
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  6. Bolletje

    Bolletje Potato chip wizard V.I.P Member

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    That's why we use a fan when I've cooked onion soup ;)
     
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  7. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Same here when my wife makes soup with garlic. I don't blame vampires for keeping away from it.
     
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  8. jared mills

    jared mills Rookie

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    nobody is with me at this moment,and i doubt any woman wants to be with an aspie like me & how i appear to them upon eye-contact says it all.i would rather sleep with giant stuffed animals used as
    than be found a girlfriend who i would appear upon eye-contact as severely awkward & potentially creepy looking :angry: :angry: :angry: :rage: :rage: :rage:.
     
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2019
  9. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    So, avoiding certain foods and spices might be helpful in encouraging intimate behaviors. Or at least not discouraging it. Stuff like onions, garlic, beans of course.
     
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  10. Bolletje

    Bolletje Potato chip wizard V.I.P Member

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    Or both consume it and engage in sonorous, fragrant lovemaking.
     
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  11. SolarPoweredNightOwl

    SolarPoweredNightOwl Walking contradiction

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    Sounds like you need fans. They help with overheating from exertion, too.

    Speaking of exertion, sex takes energy, which is often in short supply for an Aspie. That could have to do with it.
     
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  12. Wolf Prince

    Wolf Prince My future job title.

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    Couldn't resist.
     
  13. Kalinychta

    Kalinychta Well-Known Member

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    I tend to behave the same way your boyfriend does. I do it with friendships, too, which is why they rarely last. I rush into relationships with enormous energy and enthusiasm but soon become overstimulated, which leads to exhaustion (mental and emotional and then, oftentimes, physical). I pull back and either disappear (abandon the relationship) or emotionally lash out and then disappear. (This is one of the reasons women are so often misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder.)

    So this could be what’s happening with your boyfriend. Overstimulation. Mental and emotional exhaustion or burnout. I’d recommend backing off and giving him room to re-collect himself and calm down.
     
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  14. tducey

    tducey Well-Known Member

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    Learn his limits would be my suggestion. Given closeness is a challenge for people with Autism geet him to trust you. I wish you both the best of luck here.
     
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  15. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member

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    Exercise, good communication about what may work and what doesn't, being flexible about what to do and what degree to do it to even in the moment, and connecting emotionally I think can help with sex drive.
     
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  16. Jason Bennett

    Jason Bennett Well-Known Member

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    My libido has remained high throughout my life. The only time that I saw a difference was when I was taking Xanax to fall asleep (prescribed). My NT wife has very little libido due to having endometriosis and having a hysterectomy, which is understandable.

    I recommend giving your boyfriend some space for a bit where he can relax, destress, and possibly explore his triggers for not wanting sex.
     
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