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Sexless Relationship

savi83

savi83

Well-Known Member
Hi everybody,

Ever since I started dating and relationships I have always measured the relationship on physical affection and sex life as I find it hard to gauge emotions.

I have been with my girlfriend now for over nine years and things have become a lot less physical. She blames this on that when we got together is was the "honeymoon period", that she come from a family that weren't very affectionate towards each other and her parents went through a bad divorce. She tells me that she loves me and that she wants us to get married but without the physical side I feel that I'm getting mixed emotions.

Any suggestions or advice?
 
Hmmmm! An aspie that wants sex dating a girl that doesn't? That's strange? Usually, it's the other way around.
 
It's quite easy. If you don't mind having a non-physical relationship, and are otherwise happy, continue dating this girl. If you do want a sexual relationship, tell her that. Try to figure out if it's just a slump, if there's something you can do to reignite the spark, if her sex drive is altogether gone, or if she doesn't want to have sex with you in particular.

If her sex drive is altogether gone it's a good idea to rule out medical issues. If she's not interested in having sex with you in the future, it's probably better you go your separate ways. Sexual compatibility is important, and you're just setting yourself up for future unhappiness if you ignore incompatibility.
 
Well if she was having sex with you before and isn't now, she might be getting sex somewhere else. In any case, I'd dump her like a bad habit. I won't date a woman that doesn't have sex, that's asinine. I won't even date a woman if she doesn't do certain sexual things.
 
The amount of sex in a relationship changes due to all sorts of things that may or may not have to do with the relationship otherwise so it's not really useful by itself. You need to find other ways to gauge the relationship though I don't know what might work for you. I personally judge my relationship by all sorts of things such as conversations, eating meals together, watching bad westerns together, a few non sexual but none the less personal sorts of things such as nick names, shared made up words, sharing food. It's something though that is going to be so different from couple to couple though that it's hard to give advice.
 
If she's not having sex with you but still wants commitment then she has ulterior motives.

First flag is that she gave you multiple answers. Oh it's not our honeymoon phase anymore, oh my parents had a nasty divorce, oh my family just isn't very affectionate. She's just trying to talk her way out of it.

The truth is she isn't attracted to you anymore and wants to squeeze a commitment out of the 9 years she's been with you. She doesn't want to see that ultimately you were not the right choice but she can't go back now and lose 9 years of her life, so she's attempting to double down on that choice. 9 years is a long time, I can certainly understand her conundrum.

Analyze your situation (living together, common law marriage, etc) and get out of it as safely and unscathed as you can. It's best for you to get out of this asap.
 
If you don't mind waiting longer, then you could try to work with her on the divorce issues and expressing affection. Couple's therapy is an option.

If she seems not willing to, then it's likely that she isn't attracted to you anymore and just doesn't want to admit it. In that case, it's best if you end the relationship. If sex is an important thing to you, you shouldn't stay with someone who isn't meeting your needs. It isn't fair to you or her.
 
Can you tell her that if she is unwilling to have a sexual relationship with you, does this mean she is giving you permission to go and get sex wherever and whenever you find it? Does she allow for you to have your needs met elsewhere and still come home to her? I seriously doubt it.

I would end this relationship now before your life gets any sadder.
 
Another possibility is that at least one of her parents is controlling her. This is cultural in some countries. That could be a factor. She might not be able to live for herself. Couples therapy could possibly help with something like this.
 
She could be asexual, she could have issues with her body image, she could be depressed, all these things would change the way she feels about sex. If sex is the most important thing for you then you should probably end the relationship but you have been together for quite a long time so there must be something other than sex keeping you together.
 
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