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Sex for an aspie?

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by BradT, Jul 18, 2017.

  1. Flygirl

    Flygirl Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Does that give you an NT prospective BradT?
     
  2. 312Sarah

    312Sarah Active Member

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    This was my experience as well, 100%. So hot. At the time I did not realize why the aspie man was the way he was, but I just knew that I liked it. It also struck me as odd but highly attractive that a good looking man of his age acted like he had very little experience in the bedroom. (I am not sure whether he did not not, but he sure seemed like he didn't). I could see this being a turn-off to some women who like having a skilled lover, but I really liked that, as most other men his age would have been around the block a few hundred times already. He would also say things during sex that were just a little off from what NT guys might say, but always very sincere, which I thought was really sweet and I could tell it was very genuine.

    One potential downside was that he would finish quickly, possibly because he was super sensitive or maybe because he did, in fact, lack experience. This didn't bother me because I'm not someone who wants to spend hours having sex, but on a few occasions it was just too short for me to reach orgasm. If we had stayed together I think this could have been remedied by simply telling him what to do beforehand. That said, while he seemed to enjoy himself whenever we were together, he didn't seem to want it very often, or maybe he did and just never showed it. I really don't know. So many unanswered questions about that situation...but it was hot. For sure.
     
  3. mw2530

    mw2530 Well-Known Member

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    My guess is he was inexperienced no matter what his age was. I understand why you found it odd, but it doesn't seem odd at all to me. It doesn't matter how handsome you are if you cannot understand social nuances and communicate effectively. Any lack of skills in this area is magnified in intimate relationships. It's like having a Ferrari with no wheels. An obese unemployed drug addict criminal is more likely to get laid than someone who has ASD.
     
  4. 312Sarah

    312Sarah Active Member

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    Ha. I guess I also found it confusing because he did seem to pick up rather quickly on the fact that I was hitting on him. He asked me out immediately and seemed to know where things were headed. Granted I made it very obvious, but still. He saw that and acted on it, even though I see in hindsight so many times when he did not pick up on other social cues.

    While I know now that he doesn't seem to approach women proactively, I would still think that someone really good looking would have had opportunities with women who approached him just like I did. Good looking aspie men out there, do women not approach you/hit on you?

    But I do think you're right in that I think he goes many years between relationships. What a waste! Definitely a Ferrari with no wheels in this case.

    Another question: seems like a lot of people with AS aren't interested in sex at all. But is it typical for aspies who do like sex to still have a lower sex drive than your average person?
     
  5. mw2530

    mw2530 Well-Known Member

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    Many NT's seem to have this idea. I don't think it is true for most of us. It's just we never have an opportunity to act on our desires since we cannot even get near to that point. I've read that on average, a male thinks about sex every 7 seconds. Imagine living until age 29 and ongoing with never even coming close to being able to fulfill that desire. And that is just one reason why many of us are so pissed and bitter about our lives and the world we live in yet have to put on a face every single day and act like everything is great. On paper and from afar everything might look great, but the reality can be the complete opposite. Many of us fake our way through every single day and can only be ourselves when alone. The sex thing is pretty minor when you compare it with the rest of the **** we have to go through each day. When a person gets cancer or some other physical disease, people are supportive and try to understand. While I'm sure it sucks big time, at least you receive support. When you have ASD as an adult, not only do you have to struggle each day, you don't receive any support or understanding, but rather are the target of people talking behind your back, taking advantage of you, etc... It is not difficult to understand why people with ASD have one of the highest suicide rate. Your friend probably has been through more pain in his life than you could even begin to imagine. I don't intend to make you feel bad and I know I am way off topic, but trying to give you the realty of what many of us with ASD feel and what we have been through. I commend you with trying to learn more about ASD. It gives me a little more hope for my life and the world, however slim.
     
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  6. Flygirl

    Flygirl Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Yes unfortunately they are ..no.idea why coz some love to masturbate to porn..but when they have the real thing there In front of them..they decline!
    All very hard to understand but it is what it is...believe me..tried every sexy move known to Man and still nothing unless it's Wench mode!
     
  7. Flygirl

    Flygirl Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Sorry, just realised my wording was clumping everyone into the same pot..I should have said MY guy..ofcourse each and everyone is different. Apologies to all.!
     
  8. Suiseiseki

    Suiseiseki I can't feel the back of my eyes

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    I've been unable to get close to anyone I've had sex with since it was casual sort of stuff.
    Most of them I didn't want to (like single mothers are easy to lay but aren't someone I will commit to).
    It's not super amazing where I care to chase it all the time, sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.
    Nearing 30 I would like something more though since the one I wanted that with is gone I'll probably return to doing it with people for a bit before I bother trying again for something deeper.
    It hurt, meeting someone I had so much in common with who genuinely seemed to like me back.
     
  9. Gerald Wilgus

    Gerald Wilgus Well-Known Member

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    Well, all I could say is that it is fraught. I was pretty well socially isolated for the longest time even though I had what I thought were normal desires. I had the barriers of not knowing if any woman was noticing me and had a paralyzing fear of rejection so that I sometimes self-rejected. Plus, I could never like touching other people. So, at age 27 and a virgin, I started trying to date.

    So, I had the double whammy of not understanding social cues at the same time that I found that being desired was a real turn on for me. So, it was a revelation when my first partner accepted me sexually, something that I did not expect, as I rarely found social acceptance. I enjoyed intimate contact, and my dislike of touching another evaporated when I found great pleasure in exciting my partner, and I thought it was like magic seeing her pleasure, such that my partner's excitement is now foremost. Once that self-imposed taboo over touching fell, other sensations came naturally, like bringing my partner to orgasm orally, and there my mania for detail helped as I worked out how best to excite her.

    The only negative has been my need to feel desired. That has led to no slight miscommunication in my marriage. Sex without that feeling is mundane, but when she expresses a desire for me I feel like a stallion and again her pleasure comes first.
     
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  10. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Personally, I like a guy that shows they are into me physically whose appearance I'm attracted to. I want them to pleasure me. When they do things with me that I like to do and either get me or really truly try their best, that is very attractive to me too. I'm more likely to want to pleasure things for that person in return that I normally wouldn't want to do for most people.
     
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  11. Gerald Wilgus

    Gerald Wilgus Well-Known Member

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    Thank you. I decided that a selfishness that I saw in others when they bragged to me about exploits that left me feeling ashamed about myself was never going to be my style. And like many Aspies my love of understanding things left me focused on pleasing my partner. More difficult as we age, but that partnership in sex and pleasure is still very important to me and has broken boundaries I used to have.
     
  12. Gerald Wilgus

    Gerald Wilgus Well-Known Member

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    You nailed it! A virgin at 28, instead of really changing myself, I decided to like myself instead and continued to enjoy the activities that interested me. I never thought that would lead to sexual acceptance, but it did, meeting somebody who liked an activity we were involved in. And that nearly didn't happen because I was still primed for rejection, hearing a negative from her instead of an affirmation. But luckily we communicated and worked through my near self-rejection. I hope you find the acceptance you seek.
     
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  13. Baphocletian

    Baphocletian Arch-Degenerate V.I.P Member

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    Having just had my first proper hookup last night, just three-ish weeks after the breakup of my first legit relationship, I have issues with it. It was kinda anticlimactic. Fortunately this current dude is a very frank communicator, which I appreciate as an aspie...

    For now it seems like the only person capable of making me hard is me, myself, and I; my helmet goes utterly limp in three seconds flat in anyone else's hand. How pathetic is that. Getting some head tickles so much it actually kinda hurts; I imagine it would feel a lot better if I could actually get past flaccid. I found this out with my ex-boyfriend. So our solution was just having me bottom, which naturally hurt a bit for someone with a bussy as inexperienced as mine. But I was happy to so he could get his nut, and I did the same to make it worth my current lay's while.

    I didn't get hard from being the receptive partner either, even though I always envisioned myself more as a top. But instead, I've accidentally conditioned myself into being virtually impotent at 25 years of age. The nerves in my penis are utterly fried. I guess a full decade of isolating singleness, fapping to escape trauma, and immersing myself in progressively raunchier and more degenerate fap fantasies over the years will do that to ya.

    As for what actually turns me on, I'd tell you, but I'd have to kill you afterwards. You'd mess yourself in terror at mere mention of the cringeworthy kinks I have... hell, I'd probably find that hot too. Prior to meeting this recent ex, my sex life existed entirely in the realm of unspeakably sick cybersex roleplays with randos, hentai art commissions, and the aforementioned fantasies that consume so much of my life. I resigned myself LONG ago to the fact that I will realistically never find an IRL partner whose interests align with mine. And in truth, I don't even envision myself in these scenarios and probably wouldn't even want to actually be in them; it's always my original characters who I created specifically for RP purposes.

    If I could just digitize my consciousness / soul / mind / whatever and import into a simulation where I could indulge in all of my disgusting fantasies for eternity while somehow also enjoying the physical sensations of those acts - I would.

    But more realistically, the most clutch thing would be someone patient enough to mentor me in this area so I can get, ehhh, "free-standing"...
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2021
  14. jared mills

    jared mills Rookie

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    it's wild,based on who you're attracted to & you would pounce on that person like a wild animal :tiger::tigerface: & ravage :bearface: like i'm somehow attracted to @Mars26.it would not sit well with people amongst my family (mother & brother) & friends,even if they would be supportive the way some of them say they are.
     
    Last edited: May 18, 2021
  15. Giant Hogweed

    Giant Hogweed Member

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    The brain/soul is the biggest factor in achieving any kind of satisfactory sexual experience. It doesn't have to be love, it can be that the person and you are both on the same playing field. Not literally. Sex on a playing field may be your thing but that's a different subject.
     
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  16. Ronald Zeeman

    Ronald Zeeman Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I was also a virgin when I got married at 25 good childhood, it all depends on circumstance.
     
  17. watersprite

    watersprite inadvertent vagabond V.I.P Member

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    People who can enjoy the animal side of existence, un-hook from their control issues - it is what I enjoy and is a good part of life. With the caveat being as long as the other person is open minded and isn’t a control freak or stuck intelectualizing something that should not be.

     
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  18. ucrenegade

    ucrenegade Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Being married for almost 13 years it was difficult for my wife at first when hugs were few and fast and gazing in the eyes was about 1-2 seconds before I was extremely uncomfortable. Eventually though if they love you and you love them you find what works for you and your spouse finds what works for her. For example my wife now knows that the definition for Love for me is the same as the way Yeshua defines what love is to him it is not a feeling those are called lust's. Love is a action word it is what you do that shows love not what you say. So sex in a marriage works great for us because we are not caught up in the lust of lovemaking although lust does have it's moments but rather it is a action of love a gift from above for marriages.
     
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  19. jleeb05

    jleeb05 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I definitely feel that my sex drive is lower than most men my age. I actually had my doctor test my testosterone levels because I felt that might be low (they weren't). That said, I'm not asexual and I do desire sexual intimacy. I find it enjoyable. However, comfort is very important to me. I'm not a big fan of being touched and when someone is too aggressive, it makes me uncomfortable. Once I get into my head, that's pretty much it.
     
  20. Paige Turner

    Paige Turner New Member

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    How could I know, since I've never been neurotypical?

    But I suspect I'm very, very different.

    It doesn't seem to matter to them. They just do it, then they do something else. It's nothing.

    Well it's not nothing to ME!

    It's a pretty god damn big deal to ME!

    Y'know, I might be able to deal with being one thing, maybe. But I have to be so many different kinds of things that I don't really know what I am at all.

    I'm everything that I am, and everything that I ever was. They're inconsistent, but I have to be them all at the same time and still be held accountable: A team player. A primate mammal. A good listener. A smartmouth smartass. A life in the galaxy. ...Are you okay, ma'am?

    Temporarily, I'm a live animal that eats dead animals. I'm their Brilliant Young Lady with a cute face, a quadratic form, a dark mood, and a bright future. I'm a naked female body. A polite fellow passenger. A mammal. One of the blessed. One of the damned. I understand everything and control nothing.

    I'm the sex slave of anything interesting. I'm the sex slave of any guy who walks in here. I'm a little girl frightened of some monster rabies called "sex" that will soon grab me and shake me like a rabies dog with a rag doll. A helpless puppet bouncing and dancing on a tightrope of DNA.

    But it's opening night anyway, and I'm the star anyway, and the house is packed and it's my line. The other actors aren't acting; they're real--and they're getting MIGHTY PIISSED. I was supposed to reply several seconds ago. But I just woke up from a dream, see, and nobody ever gave me a script. I don't even know what play it is. I don't know who I am. I don't even know what I am.

    BUT BOY WILL I BE IN BIG TROUBLE IF I F**K THIS UP.

    [​IMG]
    I'm on stage, but it's not my fault, see?
    I know I can't simulate a human very well, but I didn't have a choice then. I don't have a choice now.
    If I let you hurt me and rape me and I don't like it and I'm crying, THEN can it not be my fault?

    Punish me for wanting it anyway.
     
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2021