Sentimentality

[VictorR]

Before I jump into this, I wanted to recognize that there's a prior discussion from 2014 but given it's a rather old thread and we have lots of new members that I thought maybe it'd be better to start a new topic.

I like to attach stories and memories to objects, like a Paris metro ticket from when I took a trip to visit Versailles. It was on my desk, along with some other clutter. A household member decided to be helpful and cleaned it up and was going through them. I asked them what they doing with my stuff, and they remarked that I was accumulating stuff over the years to the point where there wasn't an open space, and that clearly, I didn't seem to care about the stuff, so they might as well go through it and toss out anything that wasn't of use. I remarked that my stuff should be left alone and they remarked it's their home too and they get upset when I let spaces get cluttered.

I had a situation happen at work as well - I have a collection of different transit tokens and tickets along with some train models. One day, I noticed they were out of order and one was missing. I realized that what happened was one of the cleaning staff was dusting and must had accidentally knocked one off, and unfortunately, they were sitting on my cubicle wall, just above the waste basket, so one most likely fell in and got thrown out. In that case I accepted it, since they were just doing their job. But in the first example, I think I'm upset because the household member really likes order, and their perception of my disorder offended them and required correction.

Have others have similar circumstances, and regardless, how might you approach the situation?

 

[Thinx]

Could you keep your stuff in your own designated space? Or, designate a space where it's ok to put your stuff? This definitely happens where I live, but I don't mind too much, as I know I m untidy and generate clutter. However I still reserve the right to decide what to do with it, once it is brought to my attention.

 

[SimonSays]

I think I'm upset because the household member really likes order, and their perception of my disorder offended them and required correction.

I had that growing up. My mother would come into my room and 'tidy up'. To her my things looked out of order, whereas to me they were exactly how i wanted them. I have a mental map so when I need something I know exactly where it is without thinking. It's my map in my space.

I could see she still had the urge to do it when I was living with her as an adult not long before she died. I didn't have many things or much space, but I heard her saying once how she couldn't understand how I could live like that, lol. As if she was still offended by what worked for me, but knew she couldn't get away with what she could when I was a child, so had to 'accept' it.

Funny though, I have to consciously let those I live around have their own 'disorganised chaos'. I respect their right to have their things their way even if to me it feels chaotic and inefficient. I have to not notice it. Make it none of my business. And it works.

 

[OkRad]

I would be majorly POed! And I would let them know in uncertain terms. And I would probably get hit because I am small and I have gotten hit a lot when I tried to draw a reasonable line. I am supposed to let people crawl all over me...........

 

[WolfSpirit]

I had that growing up. My mother would come into my room and 'tidy up'. To her my things looked out of order, whereas to me they were exactly how i wanted them. I have a mental map so when I need something I know exactly where it is without thinking. It's my map in my space.

I could see she still had the urge to do it when I was living with her as an adult not long before she died. I didn't have many things or much space, but I heard her saying once how she couldn't understand how I could live like that, lol. As if she was still offended by what worked for me, but knew she couldn't get away with what she could when I was a child, so had to 'accept' it.

Funny though, I have to consciously let those I live around have their own 'disorganised chaos'. I respect their right to have their things their way even if to me it feels chaotic and inefficient. I have to not notice it. Make it none of my business. And it works.

Parents can be kind of funny that way. They sometimes forget that we're not copies of them, and that we're actually different (sometimes very different) people. . That what works for them doesn't necessarily work for us. As good as my relationship is with my mother these days, I often have a similar argument with her. According to some of my NT friends, who are also parents, it's 'just the nature of the beast'. And one of those parent-child things that is unavoidable and perpetual. A certain level of tolerance, and good boundaries are needed to manage.

Your mother's behaviour when you were a child is pretty typical behaviour for a parent.(especially a mother). And, when a child is young, often necessary, until a child is old enough to be able to clean up after themselves (presumably once they've been taught. It's not one of those osmosis things.). But as a child grows older, it can become less and less appropriate for a parent to do it. Especially with teens! (though this drives parents 'up a wall' typically!)

 

[SimonSays]

Your mother's behaviour when you were a child is pretty typical behaviour for a parent.(especially a mother). And, when a child is young, often necessary, until a child is old enough to be able to clean up after themselves (presumably once they've been taught. It's not one of those osmosis things.). But as a child grows older, it can become less and less appropriate for a parent to do it. Especially with teens! (though this drives parents 'up a wall' typically!)

I wasn't a messy kid, even as a teenager. She was just OCD about it. She never respected boundaries. Eventually I put a lock on the inside of my door to stop her just coming in when I was inside. I had to do the same thing 45 years later when I lived in her spare room. She just wouldn't knock (probably knew I wouldn't say come in).

Maybe it's different for a boy - we do like our 'man caves', so to come home and discover not only are things not where I left them, but some things thrown away as she decided they were rubbish. I hated it. Felt violated. She thought it was OK.

 

[WolfSpirit]

I wasn't a messy kid, even as a teenager. She was just OCD about it. She never respected boundaries. Eventually I put a lock on the inside of my door to stop her just coming in when I was inside. I had to do the same thing 45 years later when I lived in her spare room. She just wouldn't knock (probably knew I wouldn't say come in).

Maybe it's different for a boy - we do like our 'man caves', so to come home and discover not only are things not where I left them, but some things thrown away as she decided they were rubbish. I hated it. Felt violated. She thought it was OK.

Oh dear. . Parents do often have a hard time understanding things that are important to kids. It's even harder for those of us on the spectrum, who are often drawn to more atypical stuff that others may see as garbage. having to buy a lock to keep her out when you're 45 is definitely not something you should've had to do!

I had a hell of a time getting my mom to learn to knock before entering my bedroom too. Never did teach her to wait until I responded before opening the door! But then, it's less of an issue when you're both the same gender!

 

[Booknerd515]

I have collected stuff from a young age but I always knew how much to collect and when it got to be too much so I would get rid of some things. Some collections I don't have anymore as I go through phases where I may collect minor objects and then not want to collect them anymore though that was more common when I was younger. The collections I still have are ones that contain objects with lots of memories attached to them. I will say that my grandma does collect things-her house has a lot of stuff in it, and due to this my mom is very adamant about ours not getting to be like hers. I know my grandma attaches certain memories to objects that she has as she's told my family about them before which is why she keeps them.

I have vast sentimentality regarding various objects I have in my room. For my books, my parents know not to get rid of any of them without asking me otherwise I will get upset if I hold a lot of sentimentality to a certain book. I have had things go missing, sometimes, that my family members have gotten rid of, but luckily then those items were more like not-permanent collection items that I didn't hold much value to. I do hope those sorts of experiences don't happen to you too often, as it must have been a bad surprise to have realized those items went missing. I certainly don't think your collection of objects seems to be much of a disorder though (my grandma's house would make that one of your family members freak out if they ever went there-a few rooms are only viewable from the entrance).

 

[VictorR]

Could you keep your stuff in your own designated space? Or, designate a space where it's ok to put your stuff? This definitely happens where I live, but I don't mind too much, as I know I m untidy and generate clutter. However I still reserve the right to decide what to do with it, once it is brought to my attention.

It was in a space designated for me, but because the other person passes by it a fair bit, I guess they were annoyed.

Part of the issue is that I don't like to collect things in boxes - I have some collections where over time the box is just forgotten about or not looked at - whereas if it's in the open on top of a table, I'll always see and appreciate them.