Sensitive to Touch

[anxiety247]

Does anyone else have a really bad sensitivity to touch? Especially when other people touch you?

The only person I really like to hug is my boyfriend, no one else. I still hug people if they initiate the hug but usually I try to avoid it at all costs. I also HATE people putting their hand on my back.

What is your experience with touching in a relationship? I feel like I've told my longterm boyfriend (10 years) too many times that I'm just sensitive to touch but he still tries to be rough sometimes. I don't think he realizes that I am really sensitive. I hate it when he grabs me in places just randomly. Like in the kitchen or when I'm just standing there. He does things that are turn ons for him, but they are complete turn offs for me and then he expects me to be in the mood for stuff. I feel like every time he does something, that feeling of jerking away when he randomly touches me grows.

I've tried to tell him to stop doing that before, but I don't think he really understands. He's not technically doing anything bad bad or hurting me but it's just to a point where I'm uncomfortable sometimes and wish he would just understand how/when to touch me.

Like even a light slap (like slapping your leg to the rhythm of music) makes me uncomfortable.

How should I go about telling him this? I've posted another thread about him not yet completely understanding that I have Aspergers yet. Do you think I should work on getting that through to him first so he understands that the touches really do bother me and that I'm just not making it up?

 

[Fino]

If you want the relationship to continue, I suppose that's your only option. That, or just let him keep making you uncomfortable. But I can't think of anything else.

I hate being touched, but in a relationship I was okay with it.

 

[Wolfnox]

Hyper sensitive to touch. Yep i relate. As for him. I doubt telling him will change that. But thats just my opinion.

 

[anxiety247]

If you want the relationship to continue, I suppose that's your only option. That, or just let him keep making you uncomfortable. But I can't think of anything else.

I hate being touched, but in a relationship I was okay with it.

But in your relationship, was he a bit more on the aggressive side? Like just grabbing out of nowhere in places? Sorry if this is too much detail, but like humping or doing something somewhere that you don't want to be doing that (such as in the kitchen when you are hungry and just really wanting to eat and not in the mood for that stuff at all)

I also have a lot of anxiety all the time. He has anger issues (he would never hurt me though) where he just cusses a lot and gets in a rage. It makes my anxiety worse, and then he's nice all of a sudden and expects me to be in the mood but I'm not because my anxiety has gone through the roof.

 

[the_tortoise]

My opinion is the reason doesn’t matter...he should respect your boundaries with touching regardless of your reasons.

You shouldn’t have to justify what you like and don’t like to a romantic/sexual partner, you should only have to tell each other what is okay and what is not so that you are both happy and comfortable with the physical affection you share.

Light touching is terrible for me. I like hugs, though.

 

[anxiety247]

My opinion is the reason doesn’t matter...he should respect your boundaries with touching regardless of your reasons.

You shouldn’t have to justify what you like and don’t like to a romantic/sexual partner, you should only have to tell each other what is okay and what is not so that you are both happy and comfortable with the physical affection you share.

Light touching is terrible for me. I like hugs, though.

It has been this way for awhile to be honest. It's impossible for me to be in the mood anymore for anything sexual, let alone sex. It has been probably over a year since we tried it.

I love cuddling but each time we do, he gets turned on and I notice his frustration so it makes me feel guilty that we aren't doing anything further. It makes my anxiety worse, so after we are finished cuddling I'm just feeling more anxious and guilty than I did before we cuddled to the point that I actually started to avoid even cuddling (or making out) sometimes because I knew it would end up him getting frustrated and me feeling guilty for the rest of the night.

Also I've tried telling him many times about my struggles. He knows not to expect me to want to do things when I'm just cuddling but since it has been a long time since we have done that stuff, he still hopes each time.

Trust me, I do want to but we keep going in the opposite direction of where I need to go (like even avoiding cuddling) rather than just cuddling with me, making me feel comfortable, and then slowly easing my anxiety to be able to get into the mood of things if that makes sense.

 

[Monachopia]

I have this with my partner. He is quite hands on and likes to be a bit grabby (playfully of course), but it can be a bit much. I understand your anxiety of having "to do stuff" after every cuddle to the point of avoiding cuddling because of the feeling of letting the partner down and feeling that frustration... I've been often in this place, I love my partner dearly, but those emotions are difficult. I think clear communication is key. Discuss these difficulties and say you need some time to ease into "the mood". Say you would really like some pressure-free cuddling sessions, just to be with him and reconnect. When you feel ready for more then tell him. Talking is by far one of the most important aspects of any relationship.

As for the grabbiness - I've tried to explain it to him too, but he forgets sometimes. Thing is, you need to approach this with some alternatives. You need to think where is ok for him to touch you - even on a whim that won't irritate you.

Saying "stop completely" is counter-productive and will hurt his feelings - in the sense that he'll feel he's undesirable as a partner and you find his touch disgusting. It's a subconscious thought and can spiral out into extremes over time. So this is why I say approach this topic with caution. Say that "body part X" is very sensitive and it's uncomfortable to be touched there, but you like him touching you especially at "body part Y". So you give him a good reason and a solution to the problem. This has worked with my partner and he's more gentle on parts I've pointed out I don't like being grabbed at and he actively listens to my solution. Of course, sometimes forgetfulness can happen in the spur of the moment, but it's just a habit that will be broken over time with gentle reminders.

 

[Suzanne]

Very sensitve and the only person I feel comfortable hugging, is my husband, but I do not like him touching me, as it makes me skin crawl. I also hate touching and he has often complained about that, but seems to just accept it now.

 

[anxiety247]

I have this with my partner. He is quite hands on and likes to be a bit grabby (playfully of course), but it can be a bit much. I understand your anxiety of having "to do stuff" after every cuddle to the point of avoiding cuddling because of the feeling of letting the partner down and feeling that frustration... I've been often in this place, I love my partner dearly, but those emotions are difficult. I think clear communication is key. Discuss these difficulties and say you need some time to ease into "the mood". Say you would really like some pressure-free cuddling sessions, just to be with him and reconnect. When you feel ready for more then tell him. Talking is by far one of the most important aspects of any relationship.

As for the grabbiness - I've tried to explain it to him too, but he forgets sometimes. Thing is, you need to approach this with some alternatives. You need to think where is ok for him to touch you - even on a whim that won't irritate you.

Saying "stop completely" is counter-productive and will hurt his feelings - in the sense that he'll feel he's undesirable as a partner and you find his touch disgusting. It's a subconscious thought and can spiral out into extremes over time. So this is why I say approach this topic with caution. Say that "body part X" is very sensitive and it's uncomfortable to be touched there, but you like him touching you especially at "body part Y". So you give him a good reason and a solution to the problem. This has worked with my partner and he's more gentle on parts I've pointed out I don't like being grabbed at and he actively listens to my solution. Of course, sometimes forgetfulness can happen in the spur of the moment, but it's just a habit that will be broken over time with gentle reminders.

Thank you, this is definitely what I need to do.

Yeah that's exactly what it is. Sometimes I accidentally jerk away when he touches me and he gets a little upset but I didn't mean to.

I do agree that it's too much sometimes. There are times I just let him be all grabby and touchy but my mind is screaming to stop because I just don't want to be touched but I don't want him to get the wrong idea by telling him.

I'll try to bring up aspergers again and discuss this with him.

 

[Juliettaa]

Does anyone else have a really bad sensitivity to touch? Especially when other people touch you?

The only person I really like to hug is my boyfriend, no one else. I still hug people if they initiate the hug but usually I try to avoid it at all costs. I also HATE people putting their hand on my back.

What is your experience with touching in a relationship? I feel like I've told my longterm boyfriend (10 years) too many times that I'm just sensitive to touch but he still tries to be rough sometimes. I don't think he realizes that I am really sensitive. I hate it when he grabs me in places just randomly. Like in the kitchen or when I'm just standing there. He does things that are turn ons for him, but they are complete turn offs for me and then he expects me to be in the mood for stuff. I feel like every time he does something, that feeling of jerking away when he randomly touches me grows.

I've tried to tell him to stop doing that before, but I don't think he really understands. He's not technically doing anything bad bad or hurting me but it's just to a point where I'm uncomfortable sometimes and wish he would just understand how/when to touch me.

Like even a light slap (like slapping your leg to the rhythm of music) makes me uncomfortable.

How should I go about telling him this? I've posted another thread about him not yet completely understanding that I have Aspergers yet. Do you think I should work on getting that through to him first so he understands that the touches really do bother me and that I'm just not making it up?

But in your relationship, was he a bit more on the aggressive side? Like just grabbing out of nowhere in places? Sorry if this is too much detail, but like humping or doing something somewhere that you don't want to be doing that (such as in the kitchen when you are hungry and just really wanting to eat and not in the mood for that stuff at all)

I also have a lot of anxiety all the time. He has anger issues (he would never hurt me though) where he just cusses a lot and gets in a rage. It makes my anxiety worse, and then he's nice all of a sudden and expects me to be in the mood but I'm not because my anxiety has gone through the roof.

I've read in another thread of yours that you defend your boyfriend's behaviour, saying that you've focused on his bad side, but his behaviour you've raised on here is awful.

Have you ever thought that your boyfriend may be the cause of your anxiety, or at least be a contribution to? His behaviour would certainly not help to alleviate your anxiety symptoms.

The grabbing being a turn on for him, but completely turning you off - someone should only need to be told once that this is not acceptable and it should not happen again.

You're a young woman @anxiety247 who deserves to be treated with respect, care and sensitivity. Asperger's/Autism aside, there needs to be mutual respect in a loving relationship, which based on what you've posted, is absent from your relationship.

If my husband grabbed and humped me, that would be a deal breaker.

You need to work on your boundaries.

I was going to suggest a book by Eva A Mendes - Marriage and lasting relationships with Asperger's Syndrome, but after reading this thread and your other thread, I'm not convinced a book will help

For what it's worth, I am very sensitive to touch. My husband respects that and will ask if too little pressure is applied - I loathe light stroking and prefer firm pressure. I could not tolerate being in a relationship with someone who did not respect me and I would not do anything to my husband that he did not like.

 

[Aspychata]

Think it's so important for the other person to tell us. l look for subtle signs and try to follow that request.

 

[Fino]

But in your relationship, was he a bit more on the aggressive side? Like just grabbing out of nowhere in places? Sorry if this is too much detail, but like humping or doing something somewhere that you don't want to be doing that (such as in the kitchen when you are hungry and just really wanting to eat and not in the mood for that stuff at all)

I also have a lot of anxiety all the time. He has anger issues (he would never hurt me though) where he just cusses a lot and gets in a rage. It makes my anxiety worse, and then he's nice all of a sudden and expects me to be in the mood but I'm not because my anxiety has gone through the roof.

No, if there was something that made me uncomfortable and my boyfriend repeatedly ignored it, I would break up with him immediately.

 

[anxiety247]

Thanks everyone for your advice.

I haven’t talked about this with anyone I know or talked to a professional.

I’ve been holding this in, thinking that I’m not doing things right but all I needed was to hear it from other people that its not right to keep letting this happen.

I will definitely do something about this, either talk to him or try to decide on something.

Again, it’s going to be tough because we’ve been together for many years and I basically spend all my time around him. I dont do well with change and I just hope we are able to work through it if possible rather than letting go because so much will be lost and changed.

I like that I can discuss about it here and vent. It makes me feel like I’m no longer alone in this.

 

[Wolfnox]

If all else fails. Preyend your a wolf and bite his hand. Lol.

 

[Juliettaa]

Thanks everyone for your advice.

I haven’t talked about this with anyone I know or talked to a professional.

I’ve been holding this in, thinking that I’m not doing things right but all I needed was to hear it from other people that its not right to keep letting this happen.

I will definitely do something about this, either talk to him or try to decide on something.

Again, it’s going to be tough because we’ve been together for many years and I basically spend all my time around him. I dont do well with change and I just hope we are able to work through it if possible rather than letting go because so much will be lost and changed.

I like that I can discuss about it here and vent. It makes me feel like I’m no longer alone in this.

It's refreshing that you're not defending your boyfriend @anxiety247. This is a place for you to speak about how things are from your perspective.

There are elements of your relationship that you clearly find upsetting and anxiety provoking. It's even tougher when you're grappling with thoughts about being on the autistic spectrum as it's a period that you need support, guidance, validation and to be listened to - all of those things, based on this thread and your other thread, appear to be absent within your relationship.

I speak from experience @anxiety247. Up to the age of 25 all I 'knew' was abuse. It took years to realise and accept that's what it was. And when I see posts such as yours, where there are loads of red flags, it's now obvious that things are not as they should be.

We all have a right to respect in our relationships. If that's absent, there's something seriously wrong.

I wish you well in working this out.

 

[anxiety247]

Well another thing that has bothered me for a long time (over a year).

I had really bad acne, and really wanted to go on accutane for a few months to clear it up. It was also highly suggested by my dermatologist.

I also have vaginismus which makes it really painful to have sex, so we usually do other things.

Well to take accutane, i had to be on two types of birth control. I didn't want to take birth control and go through all that process to get it and I also heard the side effects it causes and just wanted to stay away.

So really that meant we weren't allowed to have sex those few months because it's very dangerous if I were to get pregnant.

I had my mom with me that time when the doctors were asking me questions about sex to make sure I wouldn't be and I told her my boyfriend and I don't.

The part that really upset me, was I was telling my boyfriend how awkward it was during that when she was asking me those questions and his response was "well I bet your mom feels really sorry for me" like it was all my fault and apparently she shouldn't be sorry for me too? I know she wasn't thinking that way, and it only felt like he was trying to say that to make me guilty for it.

That was over a year ago, and those words still hurt. I remember trying to bring it up to him and he said he was only joking but I still don't think he took it seriously that it hurt me.

 

[Wolfnox]

Well another thing that has bothered me for a long time (over a year).

I had really bad acne, and really wanted to go on accutane for a few months to clear it up. It was also highly suggested by my dermatologist.

I also have vaginismus which makes it really painful to have sex, so we usually do other things.

Well to take accutane, i had to be on two types of birth control. I didn't want to take birth control and go through all that process to get it and I also heard the side effects it causes and just wanted to stay away.

So really that meant we weren't allowed to have sex those few months because it's very dangerous if I were to get pregnant.

I had my mom with me that time when the doctors were asking me questions about sex to make sure I wouldn't be and I told her my boyfriend and I don't.

The part that really upset me, was I was telling my boyfriend how awkward it was during that when she was asking me those questions and his response was "well I bet your mom feels really sorry for me" like it was all my fault and apparently she shouldn't be sorry for me too? I know she wasn't thinking that way, and it only felt like he was trying to say that to make me guilty for it.

That was over a year ago, and those words still hurt. I remember trying to bring it up to him and he said he was only joking but I still don't think he took it seriously that it hurt me.[/QUOTE

First hate to hear its like that for you. That must be terribly hard. Second if he said that when you were looking for support. That was a low blow and he knew it. Hope that has changed for you now.

 

[tducey]

I have an issue with being touched too. I think its an Aspie trait.

 

[Christopher_j]

A lot of my relationship problems have had to do with similar issues of not wanting to be touched or intimate. As a guy I’m expected to want sex all the time, but to be honest most of the time I’d rather do something else. Even kissing, I would never kiss people on the cheek, but I learnt to do it as I got older to fit in.
But your bf should understand that if it makes you uncomfortable, to stop. I don’t know if this helps at all, sorry.

 

[onlything]

I can relate. Unless I know the person very well, I hate being touched by them. Even then, I often recoil from being hugged or kissed. It happens all the time with my colleagues at work and their friendly pats on the back - I used to flinch away or glare at them before I learnt to hide my discomfort and just bear with it.

Then, there are some days when it goes the other way, although only with fully trusted people - I only want to sit down and cuddle all day (well, okay, more like an hour or two before I get restless).