Jeremy McLaughlin
New Member
I am a 32 year old male who was recently diagnosed. My diagnosis occurred over 3 visitations to the doctor. The first was an introduction, the second a questionnaire for my wife and I regarding my behavior as well as an IQ test, and the third was the doctor's analysis of my personal behavior around her. That totals about 4-5 hours which I've heard is rather fast for a diagnosis as an adult. I did not get the opportunity to discuss the technical details of my childhood or the way I process information. With that said I would like to present you guys (especially those with autism or professionals) with information to help determine if I am a real case. Some things may be funny, it is ok to have a little humor. I also hope to help aid others.
My childhood - I never made any friends as school except for one. I was terrified to talk on the phone until my teen years. I stood under the same slide everyday watching the kids play on the playground at grade school for a total of 6 years. We watched a video about not talking to strangers in which I ran because we had a substitute bus driver. I got picked on for playing to many video games and it was generally all I could make conversation with. Being picked on would often cause me to explode to levels hat would get me in more trouble than the other kids. I had a strange fear of not wanting the closeness between my mother or father that made me afraid to learn from them (specifically tying my shoes). I would lash out at the mere mentioning of it, run away, or fight if cornered. Students made comments by 5th grade that I would neatly stack my books into the upper-right corner of my desk and proceed to not listen to the teacher or participate at all each day. Sometimes teacher would try to force me to play with the kids and I would lash out or run. When my birthday came around I would hide under tables if people would sing happy birthday. I did like a couple of mother and father picked friends to come visit, but it wasn't very often and I would not go to them or stay the night. I started having what the doctor said was anxiety attacks that were so bad they paralyzed me from the neck down.
Middle school - Gym class came along which required me to change. I still could not tie my shoes and was deeply embarrassed or afraid what might happen if someone found out, so I hid it with Velcro shoes. I refused to sing in chorus class which was required and was heavily picked on by this time. By 7th grade I felt like I had to change something with the way of acting to tone this down. I grew my hair long to cover my face and continued to avoid all field trips. Everything but science and began to get difficult because I couldn't understand what the teachers were trying to tell me (especially reading comprehension and math). I could solve the logic faster than others, but could not comprehend the directions around the equation or what was represented. I was still nervous about calling people on the phone, but started to talk to a long time childhood friend. I would not make orders to restaurants or speak to the cashiers/workers. By this time my brother decided to threaten to reveal my long time secret about me tying my shoes. He would often bully me and was much older (8 years). This was absolutely terrifying and world ending to me. I chased him and a friend he had already told with a nearby axe because it's hard for a 13 year old to defend himself against two people much older. I felt like I couldn't let him do that no matter what and it was a huge explosion. I had fear, anger, crying, hiding, everything you could name. I was striking and screaming at anything close. I'm not sure if this is what people refer to as a meltdown. The friend of his had built frustration in the past because he shot our family pets, beat my head against a school bus and even shot at me in the backyard when I was 4-6 years old. Dad had to chase him off with a rifle and his mom wouldn't acknowledge the things he did. In fact she hated me.
High school - Still can't tie my shoes. The bullying made me explosive by this point. I started to get in fights at school with multiple people at a time and had 0 tolerance. I had bad grades and couldn't make friends. I really wanted a significant other which was nearly impossible for me. I finally found one by the time I was 16 when a group of friends lied about me. They told the school I planned to bomb it which wasn't true but it scared my gf at the time. I wasn't talking to my family and could only find comfort in this one individual, so I had the largest explosion in my life. I cussed out the principle, peed in the water fountain, and got in a fight with the students. I nearly didn't get to graduate. When I finally returned to school I had newfound ridiculous amounts of popularity that I didn't know how to deal with due to the incident. Regardless, I was still only listening to the circles talk instead of participating in conversation. My anxiety attacks was a full blown disorder by this time. I would lock up and vomit daily and could not function. Sounds and images I saw throughout the day would appear at the point I became the sickest between floods of other images. It came in waves until it would dissipate and leave me exhausted. When I finally hit 18 a judge ruled that I needed to spend two months under evaluation because of one of the fist fights; nothing unique about it. I was attacked by and adult male in school and fought back. This forced me to learn to tie my shoes because I was afraid people would think I was nuts when I became an adult serving 1 year later.
Life now - I am married and teach school as a substitute. I still have a lot of episodes where I get sick enough to roll into a ball and try not to think or do anything at all. I cannot understand spoken directions. For instance, I cannot drive my way to someones house without getting lost or locate an item I'm told to get in the house. This conflicts with work badly. I cannot drive in populated areas either. I am unable to process all the movement and signs, so I try to avoid it. I do not like to leave the house for any circumstances and use the computer to play games, research science, and build designs. The motherboard clock recently stopped oscillating and it has causes me extreme stress and frustration. I sort of don't know what to do with myself while it's down. It's what I did everyday. I am very OCD to the point that I can't enjoy the computer is the tv has a smudge or the floor is dirty. It can be rough having a 2 year old. My wife says I lack expression. I do not get into holiday or public events. I cannot understand instructions, which forces me to build everything in my house on my own so I can work on it. I built the hot water tank and system from scrap. People told me I couldn't, but I did. I didn't have enough money to pay for a system or for someone else to fix it. People often tell me I am strange and do weird things. They say I am into boring stuff and obsessed. I do not know if I look people in the eyes, I don't know anyone's eye color but my wife and child. My wife says I constantly ask her if someone is mad at me or happy, so I seem to get confused. Autism questionnaire's and online test score very high/probable.
Am I/Have I been having classic meltdowns/shutdowns? Am I autistic in the first place? Please be kind, I know my past has been explosive. I don't really want to tear the world down, I would rather build it up with my studies. Thank you everyone.
My childhood - I never made any friends as school except for one. I was terrified to talk on the phone until my teen years. I stood under the same slide everyday watching the kids play on the playground at grade school for a total of 6 years. We watched a video about not talking to strangers in which I ran because we had a substitute bus driver. I got picked on for playing to many video games and it was generally all I could make conversation with. Being picked on would often cause me to explode to levels hat would get me in more trouble than the other kids. I had a strange fear of not wanting the closeness between my mother or father that made me afraid to learn from them (specifically tying my shoes). I would lash out at the mere mentioning of it, run away, or fight if cornered. Students made comments by 5th grade that I would neatly stack my books into the upper-right corner of my desk and proceed to not listen to the teacher or participate at all each day. Sometimes teacher would try to force me to play with the kids and I would lash out or run. When my birthday came around I would hide under tables if people would sing happy birthday. I did like a couple of mother and father picked friends to come visit, but it wasn't very often and I would not go to them or stay the night. I started having what the doctor said was anxiety attacks that were so bad they paralyzed me from the neck down.
Middle school - Gym class came along which required me to change. I still could not tie my shoes and was deeply embarrassed or afraid what might happen if someone found out, so I hid it with Velcro shoes. I refused to sing in chorus class which was required and was heavily picked on by this time. By 7th grade I felt like I had to change something with the way of acting to tone this down. I grew my hair long to cover my face and continued to avoid all field trips. Everything but science and began to get difficult because I couldn't understand what the teachers were trying to tell me (especially reading comprehension and math). I could solve the logic faster than others, but could not comprehend the directions around the equation or what was represented. I was still nervous about calling people on the phone, but started to talk to a long time childhood friend. I would not make orders to restaurants or speak to the cashiers/workers. By this time my brother decided to threaten to reveal my long time secret about me tying my shoes. He would often bully me and was much older (8 years). This was absolutely terrifying and world ending to me. I chased him and a friend he had already told with a nearby axe because it's hard for a 13 year old to defend himself against two people much older. I felt like I couldn't let him do that no matter what and it was a huge explosion. I had fear, anger, crying, hiding, everything you could name. I was striking and screaming at anything close. I'm not sure if this is what people refer to as a meltdown. The friend of his had built frustration in the past because he shot our family pets, beat my head against a school bus and even shot at me in the backyard when I was 4-6 years old. Dad had to chase him off with a rifle and his mom wouldn't acknowledge the things he did. In fact she hated me.
High school - Still can't tie my shoes. The bullying made me explosive by this point. I started to get in fights at school with multiple people at a time and had 0 tolerance. I had bad grades and couldn't make friends. I really wanted a significant other which was nearly impossible for me. I finally found one by the time I was 16 when a group of friends lied about me. They told the school I planned to bomb it which wasn't true but it scared my gf at the time. I wasn't talking to my family and could only find comfort in this one individual, so I had the largest explosion in my life. I cussed out the principle, peed in the water fountain, and got in a fight with the students. I nearly didn't get to graduate. When I finally returned to school I had newfound ridiculous amounts of popularity that I didn't know how to deal with due to the incident. Regardless, I was still only listening to the circles talk instead of participating in conversation. My anxiety attacks was a full blown disorder by this time. I would lock up and vomit daily and could not function. Sounds and images I saw throughout the day would appear at the point I became the sickest between floods of other images. It came in waves until it would dissipate and leave me exhausted. When I finally hit 18 a judge ruled that I needed to spend two months under evaluation because of one of the fist fights; nothing unique about it. I was attacked by and adult male in school and fought back. This forced me to learn to tie my shoes because I was afraid people would think I was nuts when I became an adult serving 1 year later.
Life now - I am married and teach school as a substitute. I still have a lot of episodes where I get sick enough to roll into a ball and try not to think or do anything at all. I cannot understand spoken directions. For instance, I cannot drive my way to someones house without getting lost or locate an item I'm told to get in the house. This conflicts with work badly. I cannot drive in populated areas either. I am unable to process all the movement and signs, so I try to avoid it. I do not like to leave the house for any circumstances and use the computer to play games, research science, and build designs. The motherboard clock recently stopped oscillating and it has causes me extreme stress and frustration. I sort of don't know what to do with myself while it's down. It's what I did everyday. I am very OCD to the point that I can't enjoy the computer is the tv has a smudge or the floor is dirty. It can be rough having a 2 year old. My wife says I lack expression. I do not get into holiday or public events. I cannot understand instructions, which forces me to build everything in my house on my own so I can work on it. I built the hot water tank and system from scrap. People told me I couldn't, but I did. I didn't have enough money to pay for a system or for someone else to fix it. People often tell me I am strange and do weird things. They say I am into boring stuff and obsessed. I do not know if I look people in the eyes, I don't know anyone's eye color but my wife and child. My wife says I constantly ask her if someone is mad at me or happy, so I seem to get confused. Autism questionnaire's and online test score very high/probable.
Am I/Have I been having classic meltdowns/shutdowns? Am I autistic in the first place? Please be kind, I know my past has been explosive. I don't really want to tear the world down, I would rather build it up with my studies. Thank you everyone.
