Hello I am new to this forum and I am hoping I may be able to get some input/help. I am 42yrs have 3 teenage children my ex-boyfriend is 41yrs. Sadly I realised to late that my ex-boyfriend has every symptom of Aspergers. He never came to my house and I gave him space I found this very weird that he would only see me every second weekend when he came up from the farm to his house which was 10 mins from me. I would then have to go over there and spend the weekend. I tried to go down the farm a few times during the month. I accepted that was the way it had to be. Eventually he sold his house and moved down to the farm 1.5 hours away. He made an effort to come up once a week and see me. I went down as often as I could. After a month or so his mum became sick and went to hospital which she then went to live with the sister. He changed and got very angry kept saying his sister had won, he had lost his mum and she would bleed his mum dry and then wouldn’t be happy till his mum was in the ground. Then he would kill his sister. His anger was awful and became very scary.
I need to add here that his history he had a son at 28yrs and it was not planned to be honest I think she got pregnant on purpose. She made his life hell when they broke up and in the end when his son was 11yrs he stopped bothering to try and see him wrote his son off completely. He had a 10 yr relationship with a woman 10 years his senior before me and he said she told him it was the farm and his mum or her. He chose the farm. She left he still messages her a bit but she doesn’t respond much. I think he still holds onto that relationship in his head. He said that she wouldn’t have sex with him and they argued a lot.
I only wish I could get an argument out of him at least stuff could get sorted. He just shuts down!!
He had a calf die on the farm and he finally broke down and cried. Fortunately I was on the farm with him so I hugged him and let him cry his grief out. It wasn’t just the calf it was his mum and everything that had happened. Long story short he has ended up having to drive down to his mums for 3 nights to stay with her she did not stay long at the sisters. Him and I had a disagreement he used my children as an excuse to not come up to my house anymore. I said to him he would have used any excuse to not come up because it would take him away from the farm. He told me his list of priorities was his mum the farm, his 2 days work and then me. When he gets overwhelmed things start dropping off the list surprise ME. He changed became very speratic texts which he texted never really called. I would call him and he would get angry on the phone so it wasn’t worth the call.
I would say to him I love you and he would never say it back. I said to him if you died tomorrow you knew I loved you, if I died tomorrow I don’t know that you loved me. He said he was like his dad in that respect by the way certain 100% his dad was aspergers. His mum I truly believer suffers from Cassandra Syndrome. I must also put in here that he was the baby of the family his mum was 42yrs old when he was born. He was pretty much an only child at home from the age of 4yrs.
I need to add here that the farm he moved to is his Brothers. It is only 60 acres too!! A hobby farm. He is obsessed with the farm to the point that he will take days off work to do things on the farm. He even made going to his mums later and later so he could spend more time on the farm. He sold his house up here near me and profited $150,000 which was February and bought a new ute new motorbike and the rest spent it on the Farm!! He never gave any money to his brother to help with the mortgage!! 5 months and the money is all gone!!
He never paid his mum much interest before her being in hospital. He would answer her calls hours later. Would see her 1 time a month or once every 6 weeks.
He said to me he just wants to do what makes him happy and that may sound selfish that’s the way it is.
I have messaged him and he answers, I was the one that turnt my fb to single he removed me and bloked me. I was tired of everyday I felt like crying for 2 weeks but could not bring myself to break down and cry.
We had a great relationship he was so happy on the farm which made me happy, before his mum having her turn which by the way she will be around a long time to come and I was the one put on the back burner. He said that his time is with his mum in other words don't go there. I understand now that everything does get overwhelming in his world us NTs we work everything in together. He works to a list. I did ask him is it easier for me to come down instead of him coming up so he could get more done and he said no its ok.
When I see him this Thursday I am going to tell him I believe he is aspie. I am going to explain its not a bad thing and there are many great people who are aspies. I don’t know how any of this is going to go down. I really don’t have anything to loose. I did email him and said I loved him and wanted him in my life and me in his. He did not respond to that email which is ok.
I am sorry I have so much I could write I think I covered the basics. I believe he does love me and even after 6 weeks of us apart I still believe he does he is just overwhelmed and can’t see time between his mum and his obsession.
My question is this. I want him back for all his floors and quirks and he is truly wonderful just when he has the melt downs they hurt but I truly think knowing the aspie side I can handle it all better. Is there anything that I can say or do that may make him think of working it out slowly? I know most aspies don’t think they need anyone and maybe they don’t but I want my aspie!! I am curious when saying things is giving an example a good thing? I was going to ask him if he still loves me? Is that wise at this stage? If nothing else at least i will have closure. Oh I forgot to add that he came off his antidepressants a month before his mum went to hospital. He is also ocd and adhd and suffers depression.
Any help at all would be great I really am at a lose. Thank you in advance
P.S I think his mum may have seen me as a threat too so not sure if she gave him advice. She did tell me once that if she didn't have him she would be lost. Kind of feels he took on his mum as his girlfriend and dropped me off. I do not say that in a derogatory way either I care for her just hard to understand.
I need to add here that his history he had a son at 28yrs and it was not planned to be honest I think she got pregnant on purpose. She made his life hell when they broke up and in the end when his son was 11yrs he stopped bothering to try and see him wrote his son off completely. He had a 10 yr relationship with a woman 10 years his senior before me and he said she told him it was the farm and his mum or her. He chose the farm. She left he still messages her a bit but she doesn’t respond much. I think he still holds onto that relationship in his head. He said that she wouldn’t have sex with him and they argued a lot.
I only wish I could get an argument out of him at least stuff could get sorted. He just shuts down!!
He had a calf die on the farm and he finally broke down and cried. Fortunately I was on the farm with him so I hugged him and let him cry his grief out. It wasn’t just the calf it was his mum and everything that had happened. Long story short he has ended up having to drive down to his mums for 3 nights to stay with her she did not stay long at the sisters. Him and I had a disagreement he used my children as an excuse to not come up to my house anymore. I said to him he would have used any excuse to not come up because it would take him away from the farm. He told me his list of priorities was his mum the farm, his 2 days work and then me. When he gets overwhelmed things start dropping off the list surprise ME. He changed became very speratic texts which he texted never really called. I would call him and he would get angry on the phone so it wasn’t worth the call.
I would say to him I love you and he would never say it back. I said to him if you died tomorrow you knew I loved you, if I died tomorrow I don’t know that you loved me. He said he was like his dad in that respect by the way certain 100% his dad was aspergers. His mum I truly believer suffers from Cassandra Syndrome. I must also put in here that he was the baby of the family his mum was 42yrs old when he was born. He was pretty much an only child at home from the age of 4yrs.
I need to add here that the farm he moved to is his Brothers. It is only 60 acres too!! A hobby farm. He is obsessed with the farm to the point that he will take days off work to do things on the farm. He even made going to his mums later and later so he could spend more time on the farm. He sold his house up here near me and profited $150,000 which was February and bought a new ute new motorbike and the rest spent it on the Farm!! He never gave any money to his brother to help with the mortgage!! 5 months and the money is all gone!!
He never paid his mum much interest before her being in hospital. He would answer her calls hours later. Would see her 1 time a month or once every 6 weeks.
He said to me he just wants to do what makes him happy and that may sound selfish that’s the way it is.
I have messaged him and he answers, I was the one that turnt my fb to single he removed me and bloked me. I was tired of everyday I felt like crying for 2 weeks but could not bring myself to break down and cry.
We had a great relationship he was so happy on the farm which made me happy, before his mum having her turn which by the way she will be around a long time to come and I was the one put on the back burner. He said that his time is with his mum in other words don't go there. I understand now that everything does get overwhelming in his world us NTs we work everything in together. He works to a list. I did ask him is it easier for me to come down instead of him coming up so he could get more done and he said no its ok.
When I see him this Thursday I am going to tell him I believe he is aspie. I am going to explain its not a bad thing and there are many great people who are aspies. I don’t know how any of this is going to go down. I really don’t have anything to loose. I did email him and said I loved him and wanted him in my life and me in his. He did not respond to that email which is ok.
I am sorry I have so much I could write I think I covered the basics. I believe he does love me and even after 6 weeks of us apart I still believe he does he is just overwhelmed and can’t see time between his mum and his obsession.
My question is this. I want him back for all his floors and quirks and he is truly wonderful just when he has the melt downs they hurt but I truly think knowing the aspie side I can handle it all better. Is there anything that I can say or do that may make him think of working it out slowly? I know most aspies don’t think they need anyone and maybe they don’t but I want my aspie!! I am curious when saying things is giving an example a good thing? I was going to ask him if he still loves me? Is that wise at this stage? If nothing else at least i will have closure. Oh I forgot to add that he came off his antidepressants a month before his mum went to hospital. He is also ocd and adhd and suffers depression.
Any help at all would be great I really am at a lose. Thank you in advance
P.S I think his mum may have seen me as a threat too so not sure if she gave him advice. She did tell me once that if she didn't have him she would be lost. Kind of feels he took on his mum as his girlfriend and dropped me off. I do not say that in a derogatory way either I care for her just hard to understand.
