Searching for an answer

[Linda Night-owl]

Hello everyone. I may be one of the oldest people here at 73. Sorry this is so long.

Short version: My counselor agrees with me that I may be autistic and she's helping me to discover myself. I want to get a professional diagnosis so I will know for sure and my counselor said she will recommend me for a diagnosis. We will talk about it next week.
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I've had a really messed up life. I was the trouble maker of the family. If it wasn't for me they would have been a lot happier. I ran away from home once when I was less than 10, I have had multiple hospitalizations for depression, threats of suicide, and one attempted suicide that has left me with a loud ringing in my ears, and a big public meltdown at work that scared a lot of people. I've never been able to handle stress well, and had determined early on that I would never get married or have children. I also was hospitalized for an eating disorder, and I've been through treatment for alcoholism.

I've always been an outsider, and felt like I was different from everyone else. I'm not comfortable talking to strangers, and I knew that I could never have a job that dealt with the public, so I went into manufacturing jobs. That way I could sit at my job and do it without being disturbed. I don't know how someone working a cash register at a store can work and talk to people at the same time. I can't even sign my own name and talk at the same time. I can do one or the other, but not both. I also have a problem with people's names and faces. If I'm somewhere like a grocery store, and someone who knows me from somewhere else sees me, calls me by name and starts talking to me, I will have no idea who this person is, and it's so embarrassing. It seems like I only can recognize someone where I'm used to seeing them for a while, but not anywhere else.

After 73 years, I think I'm pretty good at masking, but I still don't know how to socialize, and I fail at making small talk with people.

I was a problem for my parents since the day I was born. My mother told me they thought I was going to die because I wouldn't breast feed or take a bottle. I don't know how they eventually got me to eat, but I was, and still am a very picky eater. The good thing is I can eat the same thing for days and not get bored with it.

I had lots of meltdowns during childhood, which my parents called my "episodes", and my father punished me for them with his leather belt. They didn't know how to handle me, but I grew up during the 1950s for the most part, and there was no help for struggling families back then. I still have meltdowns sometimes, but instead of being so destructive, I usually take it out on myself and pound my legs as hard as I can until my legs are bruised and my hands hurt so bad. I worry that I might get a blood clot one of these days.

I was very literal minded, and my father couldn't stand it when I would take something he said literally. Also, my tone of voice would really infuriate him. He would say "Don't you use that tone of voice with me", and of course I would protest which made him even angrier. This turmoil usually happened at the dinner table, and I would be sent to my room without finishing dinner, to await my punishment with his belt.

I never meant to do anything wrong, but my father never understood or believed me. My mom would say, "Why can't you just be quiet and not argue with your father?" For some reason, I always thought I could make my father understand that I didn't mean to do anything wrong, but trying to explain was seen as arguing, and that was not tolerated. It just made everything worse including my punishment, especially if I tried to get away from him because it hurt so bad. I can remember me trying to get away and my father grabbed me by the hair and it was like I was being swung around the room like in a nightmare. My younger brother who tormented me constantly, never seemed to get punished.

Now for the present. I started going to grief counseling after my husband passed away from cancer last year. We were married for 31 years, and we went together for 5 years before that. We had no children though. My husband was amazing. He saw me at my worst and still stayed with me. He was always there to support me, and his loss has been devastating to me. I'm sure if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be alive today. Now, I have no one, and I depended on him for so much. My brother is still alive but we are not on the best terms.

I feel guilty talking about being autistic while I'm supposed to be in grief therapy, but this has taken over a large part of my mind and life and I don't have any other way of getting it out. My life has been a mystery to me and pretty much a disaster except for my husband, but now I'm sure I've found the answer to all the whys, and I need an answer.

Since I'm always doing research on my special interests (latest was micro/molecular biology, and no one wants to hear about it, so I've been told), I started watching videos on how people deal with anxiety and depression, and came across videos by women who are very much like me, talking about their recent diagnosis of ASD. I can relate to their stories so well, It's like they are telling my story, and they have helped me understand my life for the first time. After thinking all my life there was no one else like me, I'm finding out that isn't true at all, and there are people who understand.

I've told all of this to my counselor, showed her that I've done a lot of research and I know what the DSM-5 says, and the online tests I've taken, and she has been very understanding. She told me she believes I'm on the right track about being autistic, but she can't give me an official diagnosis. I'm so glad that she is taking me seriously.

I told my counselor that I wanted to get a professional diagnosis so I can know if I'm right about being autistic. I need to have some peace of mind and to be able understand myself and my life. This week at the end or our session, she said that she would like to talk with me next week about me getting a professional diagnosis. That made me very happy, but also worried that maybe the psychiatrist wasn't experienced with autistic women who are diagnosed later in life. I told her that I hoped that my ability to mask and to give eye contact wouldn't prevent me from getting an accurate diagnosis. Maybe I'm not as good at it as I thought. She said that during our whole hour I had barely given her any eye contact at all. I walked out confused, and I want to ask her next week If I had heard her right. She also told me that in the meantime I should try to join a forum like this one, so here I am.

 

[WolfSpirit]

Hello everyone. I may be one of the oldest people here at 73. Sorry this is so long.

Short version: My counselor agrees with me that I may be autistic and she's helping me to discover myself. I want to get a professional diagnosis so I will know for sure and my counselor said she will recommend me for a diagnosis. We will talk about it next week.
------------------------------------------

I've had a really messed up life. I was the trouble maker of the family. If it wasn't for me they would have been a lot happier. I ran away from home once when I was less than 10, I have had multiple hospitalizations for depression, threats of suicide, and one attempted suicide that has left me with a loud ringing in my ears, and a big public meltdown at work that scared a lot of people. I've never been able to handle stress well, and had determined early on that I would never get married or have children. I also was hospitalized for an eating disorder, and I've been through treatment for alcoholism.

I've always been an outsider, and felt like I was different from everyone else. I'm not comfortable talking to strangers, and I knew that I could never have a job that dealt with the public, so I went into manufacturing jobs. That way I could sit at my job and do it without being disturbed. I don't know how someone working a cash register at a store can work and talk to people at the same time. I can't even sign my own name and talk at the same time. I can do one or the other, but not both. I also have a problem with people's names and faces. If I'm somewhere like a grocery store, and someone who knows me from somewhere else sees me, calls me by name and starts talking to me, I will have no idea who this person is, and it's so embarrassing. It seems like I only can recognize someone where I'm used to seeing them for a while, but not anywhere else.

After 73 years, I think I'm pretty good at masking, but I still don't know how to socialize, and I fail at making small talk with people.

I was a problem for my parents since the day I was born. My mother told me they thought I was going to die because I wouldn't breast feed or take a bottle. I don't know how they eventually got me to eat, but I was, and still am a very picky eater. The good thing is I can eat the same thing for days and not get bored with it.

I had lots of meltdowns during childhood, which my parents called my "episodes", and my father punished me for them with his leather belt. They didn't know how to handle me, but I grew up during the 1950s for the most part, and there was no help for struggling families back then. I still have meltdowns sometimes, but instead of being so destructive, I usually take it out on myself and pound my legs as hard as I can until my legs are bruised and my hands hurt so bad. I worry that I might get a blood clot one of these days.

I was very literal minded, and my father couldn't stand it when I would take something he said literally. Also, my tone of voice would really infuriate him. He would say "Don't you use that tone of voice with me", and of course I would protest which made him even angrier. This turmoil usually happened at the dinner table, and I would be sent to my room without finishing dinner, to await my punishment with his belt.

I never meant to do anything wrong, but my father never understood or believed me. My mom would say, "Why can't you just be quiet and not argue with your father?" For some reason, I always thought I could make my father understand that I didn't mean to do anything wrong, but trying to explain was seen as arguing, and that was not tolerated. It just made everything worse including my punishment, especially if I tried to get away from him because it hurt so bad. I can remember me trying to get away and my father grabbed me by the hair and it was like I was being swung around the room like in a nightmare. My younger brother who tormented me constantly, never seemed to get punished.

Now for the present. I started going to grief counseling after my husband passed away from cancer last year. We were married for 31 years, and we went together for 5 years before that. We had no children though. My husband was amazing. He saw me at my worst and still stayed with me. He was always there to support me, and his loss has been devastating to me. I'm sure if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be alive today. Now, I have no one, and I depended on him for so much. My brother is still alive but we are not on the best terms.

I feel guilty talking about being autistic while I'm supposed to be in grief therapy, but this has taken over a large part of my mind and life and I don't have any other way of getting it out. My life has been a mystery to me and pretty much a disaster except for my husband, but now I'm sure I've found the answer to all the whys, and I need an answer.

Since I'm always doing research on my special interests (latest was micro/molecular biology, and no one wants to hear about it, so I've been told), I started watching videos on how people deal with anxiety and depression, and came across videos by women who are very much like me, talking about their recent diagnosis of ASD. I can relate to their stories so well, It's like they are telling my story, and they have helped me understand my life for the first time. After thinking all my life there was no one else like me, I'm finding out that isn't true at all, and there are people who understand.

I've told all of this to my counselor, showed her that I've done a lot of research and I know what the DSM-5 says, and the online tests I've taken, and she has been very understanding. She told me she believes I'm on the right track about being autistic, but she can't give me an official diagnosis. I'm so glad that she is taking me seriously.

I told my counselor that I wanted to get a professional diagnosis so I can know if I'm right about being autistic. I need to have some peace of mind and to be able understand myself and my life. This week at the end or our session, she said that she would like to talk with me next week about me getting a professional diagnosis. That made me very happy, but also worried that maybe the psychiatrist wasn't experienced with autistic women who are diagnosed later in life. I told her that I hoped that my ability to mask and to give eye contact wouldn't prevent me from getting an accurate diagnosis. Maybe I'm not as good at it as I thought. She said that during our whole hour I had barely given her any eye contact at all. I walked out confused, and I want to ask her next week If I had heard her right. She also told me that in the meantime I should try to join a forum like this one, so here I am.

First, welcome. Glad you're here. It seems like a good place, very welcoming and friendly. I've only been here a couple days myself, but already feel I belong.

Second, I have a friend about your age who was diagnosed when she was about 50. Some of your story sounds a lot like what I know of hers. I'm trying to talk her into joining, and if she does, I'd be really curious to hear her thoughts on your story. I think you two would have a lot in common.

For myself, I can relate to parts of your story as well. I'll admit I didn't read it all, because it's 1 am, and I'm supposed to be going to bed, but I couldn't resist responding a bit to your post. The depression you describe, and self condemnation, and complete inability to do what others take for granted, I soooo get!! It's hard when people can see you're intelligent, but you can't do things they think are as simpke as breathing. (Which also isn't as easy as a lot pf people assume but that's a different story).

Anyways, it's late, so I won't say much now, but I've got a lot if compassion for you, as well as empathy. I hope you find some hope and companionship here. And a sense of belonging. I'll be surprised if you don't. Anyways, just know, you are FAR from alone here!!

 

[Thinx]

Hi and welcome, I hope that you enjoy it here. It's quite a revelation to recognise that you have high autistic traits or Aspergers, and as a woman of 73, you are not alone in finding this information so late. It can be hard to get a diagnosis, although the severity of some of what you experience probably may help with that, plus the detailed childhood description.

I am very sorry for your loss of your husband, he would be glad to know you are looking for help and answers I feel sure, and cheering you on.

 

[SusanLR]

Welcome to the forums.

I'm a late in life diagnosed Asperger's also. I am 63 and was not diagnosed until mid 50's.
I can also relate to a lot of the things you posted, except I had very caring parents
that tried to understand me. Well, most of the times anyway. lol

Hope you will find this place a good experience for you. I did after my late in life revelation.
So many people and stories I can relate to, it really helped me understand my life and why it
was so difficult.

 

[tree]

 

[unperson]

Hi, how did you meet your husband?

 

[OkRad]

Many older Aspies here and it seems none have an easy story. That makes me very sad and scared, too.

You were so fortunate to have a loving spouse. Those memories will be yours forever.

Good luck with your screening! Let us know how it goes. I am glad you are here! You will find a lot of people like you here and some different, too, but everyone here really does understand

 

[Neonatal RRT]

@Linda Night-owl : As one of my mentors used to say,..."Walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, webbed feet like a duck,...probably a duck"

I was diagnosed at 52. Before my first interview with the psychologist, I made an office document itemizing the 150+ things that I thought were "a bit odd". I titled it "Random Thoughts",...should have been titled later as, "You Might be Autistic if...". I handed it over to the psychologist when I went to her office. I would like to think it helped. From your original post, I think you could knock out a long list pretty quickly.

At any rate, you are amongst friends here. Welcome.

 

[Wolfsage]

Hello.

 

[WolfSpirit]

@Linda Night-owl : As one of my mentors used to say,..."Walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, webbed feet like a duck,...probably a duck"

I was diagnosed at 52. Before my first interview with the psychologist, I made an office document itemizing the 150+ things that I thought were "a bit odd". I titled it "Random Thoughts",...should have been titled later as, "You Might be Autistic if...". I handed it over to the psychologist when I went to her office. I would like to think it helped. From your original post, I think you could knock out a long list pretty quickly.

At any rate, you are amongst friends here. Welcome.

Yeah, I composed a similar list (not nearly as long), and actually did title it something along the lines of your suggested revised title. For me, it was a combination of developmental stuff I either remembered from childhood, or that were noted in my baby book, or I'd been told at one point or another. ... Come to think of it, I don't remember what I did with it in the end. Pretty sure I didn't use it in the actual appointment, given that didn't seem to be necessary. I remember using it (I think) to try and explain to people beforehand though. Such lists can certainly be useful at the beginning. Especially these days when autism is so much better known, and not seen as rare anymore.

 

[Linda Night-owl]

Thanks for the your kind welcome and good ideas. I've been thinking of doing something like a list. I could write a long list for sure, or maybe an introduction like I wrote here, with a list attached.

I am much better at writing than speaking, and I worry that I will freeze up when I go for my evaluation meetings. I tend to stumble over my words and reach dead ends in my sentences and stall out. It seems like the more important to me something is, the more I make a mess out of it, so presenting something I wrote ahead of time will be vital.

 

[SimonSays]

Thank you for sharing that. It’s very well written. As a fellow wordsmith, I appreciate a long post when words flow like that.

 

[SimonSays]

Thanks for the your kind welcome and good ideas. I've been thinking of doing something like a list. I could write a long list for sure, or maybe an introduction like I wrote here, with a list attached.

I am much better at writing than speaking, and I worry that I will freeze up when I go for my evaluation meetings. I tend to stumble over my words and reach dead ends in my sentences and stall out. It seems like the more important to me something is, the more I make a mess out of it, so presenting something I wrote ahead of time will be vital.

One thing you could consider doing if it’s something that you feel comfortable to try, is to make a short recording of what it is you would like to say and then when you go in before you have to say those things and get caught in the issues that you’ve just described, you can play the short recording so that they hear you clearly and take it from there.

 

[Linda Night-owl]

Hi, how did you meet your husband?

As part of my alcoholism treatment I had to go to AA meetings. That's where I met him. He had a lot more sobriety than me, and for some reason he took a liking to me. It's the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

[Linda Night-owl]

Thank you for sharing that. It’s very well written. As a fellow wordsmith, I appreciate a long post when words flow like that.

Thank you for your kind words. If you only knew how long it took me to write that and how many edits, cuts and pastes and rewrites to achieve the final result. That's how it is when I write something long like that. The first try is horrible, and then the real work begins, to attempt to make something readable out of it.

That's why what you said means so much to me.

The suggestion in your second post is a good one. I might have to write something first and read it and then try it from memory. Maybe some note cards to take with me would help too, since I also tend to get sidetracked and never say what I intended to when I began.

 

[WolfSpirit]

Thanks for the your kind welcome and good ideas. I've been thinking of doing something like a list. I could write a long list for sure, or maybe an introduction like I wrote here, with a list attached.

I am much better at writing than speaking, and I worry that I will freeze up when I go for my evaluation meetings. I tend to stumble over my words and reach dead ends in my sentences and stall out. It seems like the more important to me something is, the more I make a mess out of it, so presenting something I wrote ahead of time will be vital.

Yep, me too! I've gotten better at it over the years, but have been starting to have problems with such things again, which is part of what led me here. I'm blaming a combination of COVID stress, and lack of recovery time from previous stress before COVID struck.

 

[SimonSays]

Thank you for your kind words. If you only knew how long it took me to write that and how many edits, cuts and pastes and rewrites to achieve the final result. That's how it is when I write something long like that. The first try is horrible, and then the real work begins, to attempt to make something readable out of it.

That's why what you said means so much to me.

The suggestion in your second post is a good one. I might have to write something first and read it and then try it from memory. Maybe some note cards to take with me would help too, since I also tend to get sidetracked and never say what I intended to when I began.

what is interesting is that I almost asked you how many times you had to edit it. Lol.

I am the same in many ways. In fact I can become so obsessive about editing that I might re-read something I’ve just written 20 times and each time I do change it slightly but every time I read it always change it again.

That’s why I’ve taken to making audio recordings. Then what comes out seems real and freer and when it’s transcribed actually makes it easier for me to write. Doesn’t stop me editing though LOL but what I’m editing has a greater spirit to it I think, but it’s taken me a long time to realise this. I’ve written hundreds and hundreds of things traditionally with fingers and in a way the obsession to edit keeps me in the world of the creation. I just have to be careful not to remove the original spirit by changing it too much. But it’s important that I say what it is I’m trying to say as clearly as I can. So don’t worry that you have to do the same. It shows that you care about what it is you’re saying and that you know when you’ve got the right thing out. But in my experience though it never gets easier, if anything it gets harder to express clearly what I need to recognise I had been trying to say all along.

 

[Linda Night-owl]

Yep, me too! I've gotten better at it over the years, but have been starting to have problems with such things again, which is part of what led me here. I'm blaming a combination of COVID stress, and lack of recovery time from previous stress before COVID struck.

My speech patterns seem to have gotten worse lately too. I've considered whether it's my age or whether after all these years my masking is beginning to slip. These are speech patterns that were more obvious when I was younger but I had been able to improve on over the years. I have also experienced selective mutism a couple of times recently and I haven't done that in many years.

This could be the result of stress as you mentioned, and I don't know why I hadn't thought of it. The stress of losing my husband at the same time the COVID struck, and now the discovery I likely have Asperger's which has been so overwhelming I can't even describe what I feel, it's probably little wonder my mind is all over the place. Everything is just moving too fast for me and I've never dealt with stress well.

 

[SimonSays]

My speech patterns seem to have gotten worse lately too. I've considered whether it's my age or whether after all these years my masking is beginning to slip. These are speech patterns that were more obvious when I was younger but I had been able to improve on over the years. I have also experienced selective mutism a couple of times recently and I haven't done that in many years.

This could be the result of stress as you mentioned, and I don't know why I hadn't thought of it. The stress of losing my husband at the same time the COVID struck, and now the discovery I likely have Asperger's which has been so overwhelming I can't even describe what I feel, it's probably little wonder my mind is all over the place. Everything is just moving to fast for me and I've never dealt with stress well.

Have you ever tried meditating?

 

[WolfSpirit]

My speech patterns seem to have gotten worse lately too. I've considered whether it's my age or whether after all these years my masking is beginning to slip. These are speech patterns that were more obvious when I was younger but I had been able to improve on over the years. I have also experienced selective mutism a couple of times recently and I haven't done that in many years.

This could be the result of stress as you mentioned, and I don't know why I hadn't thought of it. The stress of losing my husband at the same time the COVID struck, and now the discovery I likely have Asperger's which has been so overwhelming I can't even describe what I feel, it's probably little wonder my mind is all over the place. Everything is just moving to fast for me and I've never dealt with stress well.

I don't know about anybody else, but I keep having a hard time recognizing COVID stress in my own life, because it is so subtle, and the basic scheme of my life hasn't really changed much. Also, my bar for 'high stress', I keep realizing lately, is so much higher, more extreme, than most people's.

And yes, I'd agree you've been under and incredible amount of stress in the recent past, so I would absolutely consider that! "autistic stress" as Amitta Shah terms it, is such a hard thing! Never mind the addition of things NTs would find stressful too!