Safety Concerns for My Family

[Buzzerfly]

Hello to all who have been kind to me and/or my husband ( @Joel's Hear ) over the years on this forum!

“Joel” and I have young kids and recently (a year ago) moved back home to the US after having lived outside of the country for a while. We left in 2015 mostly because we were being threatened by my family.

it took several months for us to find a new home here, but once we did settle into our small town, we were hoping to generally keep to ourselves, find a few friends and be polite but distant to the folks around town. Joel joined Facebook, against his better judgement. And we both posted up lots of cool videos/photos of our lives with our kids. We did this for self-defense and to see if anyone thought we were particularly nice or interesting.

Instead...
We stayed in a hotel in this lovely town we now call home for 3 weeks while waiting on our lease to finalize. The first night of our stay, Joel had a MELTDOWN because the all-female staff were really creepy and seemed to have some sort of “knowledge” of us. He sat outside by the train tracks all night. I was able to get the woman in charge of his Special Needs trust to book us 2 rooms instead of one for the rest of the time. This helped with his sensory issues, and we were able to strategize each night how to handle the hotel staff. The cleaning women were the worst. They would flat out laugh at us in the hallways. They left dirty gloves on my bed.

Joel was very defensive of the torture we, particularly me and the kids, had received there. So he wrote a bad and funny review under a fake name. Weird town people began to eye our social media pages.


We moved into our duplex and had a kind of nice few months. An old school acquaintance found Joel on Facebook and seemed to really like our family posts. I added him too. Then he started posting weird, mocking memes. He sent us really racist or sexually graphic material in messenger. We blocked him. He told everyone in Joel’s hometown that Joel was a weakling and I was a slut who either wanted to or had slept with him. Joel’s the strongest guy I know! And I’ve never met any of the people from his hometown! A bunch of weird single guys started following my Facebook or sending Joel memes about a black dog who wanted to be let off its leash. WTH I love Joel and spend all of my time with our kids.

Anyway, this bullying sent Joel into a nightmarish mix of anger sadness Etc. he couldn’t sleep. Then people from the town started banging on our doors late at night. Called the cops, they didn’t do much. My family came back on the scene also. My dad and his wife, who live in South America and told me my family would be ”annihilated” back in 2015, sent cryptic messages making fun of something that happened to Joel in the past. They sent the police to our house to “check on Joel”. He was cleaning the effing vacuum at the time.

And it got worse in town after that. People laughed Joel out of stores. Our computer was hacked. Joel gets suggestions all of the time saying he’s bad and deserves punishment. All of our pretty posts, his artwork, and music (since they are different due to ASD) were recast with perverted meanings.

I have come to think that my dad (who was one of the very first users of the internet in the 90s) has created encrypted sites on which he posted lies about Joel and my family. These were later used and expanded upon by people who hated him for being autistic in our town — and this hate crime is getting out of hand.

Joel wrote a lot of free-form stories and poems around the time he met me (2005-2008). I think these were stolen and released as if they written now, by a 37 year old married man. We polished and published them to show the innocence behind his differences. I have it for sale to avoid trolls who would get it for free and mock it. If you’d like to support/help us, please PM/Inbox me and I will provide link to the book.

 

[Progster]

I'm sorry to hear this, Joel seems like such a nice guy. Is moving again an option? Shut down Facebook account, close YouTube, start again? I don't share anything personal in real life, I don't trust anyone except a very limited number of select people. There are some nice people out there, but most are indifferent at best, and there are plenty of trolls and bullies who get a kick out out of making other people feel miserable or angry, it can ruin lives.

 

[Crossbreed]

I agree with @Progster . Don't get on any internet site that requires you to use your real names, especially Facebook.

 

[Aspychata]

Sorry to hear that people are such jerks. My father applied for a job that l guess someone else wanted, and they burned down our house and everything in it when l was a kid. Pretty sad. l only had one doll that went up in smoke. We were pretty poor.

 

[Crossbreed]

My father applied for a job that l guess someone else wanted, and they burned down our house and everything in it when l was a kid.

Scary! Where was that (if I may ask)?

Did that person get caught?

 

[Misery]

Gonna second the Facebook thing.

One lesson that was drilled into my head as a kid (I was born in 81), and a lesson which bafflingly is no longer taught these days, is this: NEVER, for any reason, use your real name online. Dont. Just dont. Unless you are already dealing with someone you trust who you know in person... but even then, STILL dont. Because you never know who might be watching even that exchange. Stop treating the internet like a safe place, because it isnt. Yes, society likes to say otherwise these days, when it comes to social media stuff. Society is also dumber than a sack of hammers.

Facebook is not a good thing, it is not a positive thing. One of the very first bits of internet-related advice I will always give to people is "get off social media". Facebook, Twitter, ALL of those. Get off of them. And I mean *completely* off. Just "cutting back" isnt good enough. Remove everything, destroy accounts, never go near it again. They are inherently dangerous, by their very nature. Just because tons of people use them, doesnt make them good ideas.

It's fine to want to post things you make like art or music or whatever. But DO NOT use social media for that. Just dont. There are all sorts of appropriate sites where you can post things WITHOUT having to use your real name or face or anything like that.

Seriously, social media is one of the worst and most dangerous things to have ever happened to the internet. Everyone always thinks it's safe, it's just fine.... until, very suddenly, it isnt. And then it's too late.

If you want to meet people in your area... then meet people IN YOUR AREA. Not on a social media site.

Also: Dont respond to bullies. Ignore them as best you can. To do anything else is to give them exactly what they want. Dont waste time trying to argue with them, or trying to "prove" anything to them, or trying to defend anything verbally. It's a waste of your time and will only give those bullies something more to laugh at.


On a side note: What sort of godawful hotel were you staying at where that happened? Any hotel I've ever been to... even the cheaper ones... if the employees had done ANY of that stuff, they would have been out on their butts within a day or two. Hotels thrive on their reputations... they 100% do not put up with that kind of crap.

 

[Tom]

Concur with the above. With sensitive people, you have to be more protective. I would get out of any social media that has caused problems, and only participate online in groups that are anonymous, not specific to one area and contain like minded people. There likely are creative outlets if you want that, though I think they tend to come and go in usage. You may consider a move once your lease is up and a fresh start. It may be best to keep a low profile for quite a while and wait till you find real friends thru the test of time.

 

[FreeDiver]

Ever herd of being "street smart"? You have to have the same diligents when using the internet as you would being on the streets. In essences, you have to be "cyber smart". You have all the same shady characters in cyberspace as you do on the streets. The only difference is, is that everything is worldwide and moves at the speed of light.

 

[Aspychata]

Scary! Where was that (if I may ask)?

Did that person get caught?

He was a civil engineer. Nope. Nobody caught.

 

[Crossbreed]

He was a civil engineer.

(He doesn't sound very civil to me... )

 

[Aspychata]

Never under-estimate trolls online or in real life.

 

[Jumpback]

I remember hearing someone saying something like “it’s not paranoia if everyone is after you”

I understand that it’s overwhelming right now, but people bullying online are usually not happy themselves or are control freaks looking for someone to torment so these people can feel better about themselves or feel in control of their lives or whatever related to them. It’s not really about you, it’s the internet can provide an outlet for bullies unhappy with their own lives to find someone to attack so the bullies can feel better about themselves

But most people in real life are just trying to ge through their days, and in my experience, people believing that I am weird can be dealt with by making fun of myself and making light of situations and so on. Like I tend to use a lot of toilet paper and if someone thinks this is funny, I might be like ‘hey, I might go a bit overboard, but my butt is clean’ or something

Like I guess people tend to laugh about “dwarfs” or whatever, but they might at the same time recognize the little persons bravery for going out in the world and trying to accomplish things, and might doubt that they could do the same thing if they were in the same position

Laughing or making fun is not always non acceptance and so on.

But you guys are together which is more than a lot of people have, including me, so maybe try to look for positives or something

 

[Crossbreed]

I remember hearing someone saying something like “it’s not paranoia if everyone is after you”

The one that I remember is,
"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they are not out to get you...!"

 

[SusAssasins]

I really hate when people make this kind of things.

Ok, let's see, you don't know anyone from his hometown, that can mean two thing from my point of view, he was bullied or outcasted when he lived there or he just wanted to search for a better life on another town or city, to me it sounds more like the first scenario. And more if he was diagnosed back then, either way if he wasn't diagnosed, some aspies (including me) can't hide that odd feeling when other are around them, there's something that don't fit in them, that's makes them easy targets.

This can't actually be controlled just ignored, and least if rumors are spread. Eventually people get bored or find another target, sometimes will even pretend that they target no longer exist and end all bulling after all, bad thing is it takes years so that could happen.

My most personal advice would be to face your father, if he doesn't admit anything and you are still suspicious, move out again. Don't tell him were are you and your family going, and most valuable thing help your husband be more aggressive, to ignore everything or to fight back. Still he eventually could be building up stress for that, but fighting that will make him grow as a father too.

Also take in count @Misery advise...

Facebook is not a good thing, it is not a positive thing. One of the very first bits of internet-related advice I will always give to people is "get off social media". Facebook, Twitter, ALL of those. Get off of them. And I mean *completely* off. Just "cutting back" isnt good enough. Remove everything, destroy accounts, never go near it again. They are inherently dangerous, by their very nature. Just because tons of people use them, doesnt make them good ideas.

It's fine to want to post things you make like art or music or whatever. But DO NOT use social media for that. Just dont. There are all sorts of appropriate sites where you can post things WITHOUT having to use your real name or face or anything like that.

Seriously, social media is one of the worst and most dangerous things to have ever happened to the internet. Everyone always thinks it's safe, it's just fine.... until, very suddenly, it isnt. And then it's too late.

 

[Aspychata]

People can bully for all kinds of reasons. But the older you get - the less you care. l am familiar with such a situation. But now l kinda of laugh because l am absolutely too old to care any more. And pretty soon l won't even remember to care. So in the end l won just due to waiting.

 

[Buzzerfly]

I thank everyone for varying comments. Two things:

1. the harassment is going beyond the internet and seems to Be growing in danger, yet most people I could talk to seem in on it, and threats or insults are made in memes—like hints and “jokes” that incite rage. But there are real physical things that have happened too...like someone banging on our door with a blunt object late at night.

2. we only went public on the web (mainly Facebook) with our family to counteract the fact that there were already some extremely vicious lies about us which we were unaware of and still dont fully comprehend.

I wish I :
A) knew someone who could scour bullying/defaming websites that are encrypted for our names

B) knew someone or someone’s who would investigate my father and his family.
I’m not paranoid. It would take days to explain all of the bizarre things that have happened. In short, we’re a sweet, good family. Joel’s different but innocent to a fault. And the people around us seem bent on accusing us of being all the things that they really are, while hiding and mocking us for being freaks. And some stupider people just straight up want to hurt us for being those freaks that we aren’t.

 

[Buzzerfly]

Thank you. It’s a we8rd situation...

I don’t live with my dad. Have lived with my husband for 10 years. My dad disappeared to South America after his mother died years ago. He’d also tried to have her committed before sh3 died. Yet, I’m the ABNORMAL one because I have few friends and my husbands on the spectrum!

We’ve never hurt a soul.

I really hate when people make this kind of things.

Ok, let's see, you don't know anyone from his hometown, that can mean two thing from my point of view, he was bullied or outcasted when he lived there or he just wanted to search for a better life on another town or city, to me it sounds more like the first scenario. And more if he was diagnosed back then, either way if he wasn't diagnosed, some aspies (including me) can't hide that odd feeling when other are around them, there's something that don't fit in them, that's makes them easy targets.

This can't actually be controlled just ignored, and least if rumors are spread. Eventually people get bored or find another target, sometimes will even pretend that they target no longer exist and end all bulling after all, bad thing is it takes years so that could happen.

My most personal advice would be to face your father, if he doesn't admit anything and you are still suspicious, move out again. Don't tell him were are you and your family going, and most valuable thing help your husband be more aggressive, to ignore everything or to fight back. Still he eventually could be building up stress for that, but fighting that will make him grow as a father too.

Also take in count @Misery advise...

 

[Aspychata]

Maybe we are turning into or we have always been a sadistic society. I know l face harassment at work because the money is decent and people want my slot. So l have to work extra hard. Just ignore the bullshxt that l can wade thru on certain nites.

 

[Buzzerfly]

It was a la Quinta.

The first time we stayed there while visiting the town, we went to breakfast. Came back up to find my trash had been emptied and a blonde haired, blue-eyed housekeeper was taking selfies on her phone in Joel’s bathroom. He told her he didn’t need a cleaning.

second stay (3 weeks) Joel has a nearly suicidal meltdown the first night. All woman run hotel (not that necessarily bad) but 8 think the crazy housekeeper had told everyone she’d had sex with Joel before—then on our second stay realized he was autistic and made up another lie. End result, we were made fun of constantly. They acted as if our children didn’t exist almost to the point of insanity. I’m a little overweight, dont wear make-up and we all wear simple, cheap clothes. But I’m regal and pretty 5oo. When I didn’t go cry because they made fun of my clothes, they hated me more.

and Joel was so freaked out he wanted to practically barricade them out of his room. So, they said we were dirty.

of course, once we moved into our place, Joel wrote a bad review, even trying to make it humorous. You can imagine how that went. Angry dudes pop up on my Facebook etc.

I dont know how to do that sassy/clout thing others can do where they threaten a restaurant or hotel into providing bette4 service. Got a built-in kick me sign I guess.
Not sure why exactly.

Gonna second the Facebook thing.

One lesson that was drilled into my head as a kid (I was born in 81), and a lesson which bafflingly is no longer taught these days, is this: NEVER, for any reason, use your real name online. Dont. Just dont. Unless you are already dealing with someone you trust who you know in person... but even then, STILL dont. Because you never know who might be watching even that exchange. Stop treating the internet like a safe place, because it isnt. Yes, society likes to say otherwise these days, when it comes to social media stuff. Society is also dumber than a sack of hammers.

Facebook is not a good thing, it is not a positive thing. One of the very first bits of internet-related advice I will always give to people is "get off social media". Facebook, Twitter, ALL of those. Get off of them. And I mean *completely* off. Just "cutting back" isnt good enough. Remove everything, destroy accounts, never go near it again. They are inherently dangerous, by their very nature. Just because tons of people use them, doesnt make them good ideas.

It's fine to want to post things you make like art or music or whatever. But DO NOT use social media for that. Just dont. There are all sorts of appropriate sites where you can post things WITHOUT having to use your real name or face or anything like that.

Seriously, social media is one of the worst and most dangerous things to have ever happened to the internet. Everyone always thinks it's safe, it's just fine.... until, very suddenly, it isnt. And then it's too late.

If you want to meet people in your area... then meet people IN YOUR AREA. Not on a social media site.

Also: Dont respond to bullies. Ignore them as best you can. To do anything else is to give them exactly what they want. Dont waste time trying to argue with them, or trying to "prove" anything to them, or trying to defend anything verbally. It's a waste of your time and will only give those bullies something more to laugh at.


On a side note: What sort of godawful hotel were you staying at where that happened? Any hotel I've ever been to... even the cheaper ones... if the employees had done ANY of that stuff, they would have been out on their butts within a day or two. Hotels thrive on their reputations... they 100% do not put up with that kind of crap.

 

[SDRSpark]

Gonna second the Facebook thing.

One lesson that was drilled into my head as a kid (I was born in 81), and a lesson which bafflingly is no longer taught these days, is this: NEVER, for any reason, use your real name online. Dont. Just dont. Unless you are already dealing with someone you trust who you know in person... but even then, STILL dont. Because you never know who might be watching even that exchange. Stop treating the internet like a safe place, because it isnt. Yes, society likes to say otherwise these days, when it comes to social media stuff. Society is also dumber than a sack of hammers.

Facebook is not a good thing, it is not a positive thing. One of the very first bits of internet-related advice I will always give to people is "get off social media". Facebook, Twitter, ALL of those. Get off of them. And I mean *completely* off. Just "cutting back" isnt good enough. Remove everything, destroy accounts, never go near it again. They are inherently dangerous, by their very nature. Just because tons of people use them, doesnt make them good ideas.

It's fine to want to post things you make like art or music or whatever. But DO NOT use social media for that. Just dont. There are all sorts of appropriate sites where you can post things WITHOUT having to use your real name or face or anything like that.

Seriously, social media is one of the worst and most dangerous things to have ever happened to the internet. Everyone always thinks it's safe, it's just fine.... until, very suddenly, it isnt. And then it's too late.

If you want to meet people in your area... then meet people IN YOUR AREA. Not on a social media site.

Also: Dont respond to bullies. Ignore them as best you can. To do anything else is to give them exactly what they want. Dont waste time trying to argue with them, or trying to "prove" anything to them, or trying to defend anything verbally. It's a waste of your time and will only give those bullies something more to laugh at.


On a side note: What sort of godawful hotel were you staying at where that happened? Any hotel I've ever been to... even the cheaper ones... if the employees had done ANY of that stuff, they would have been out on their butts within a day or two. Hotels thrive on their reputations... they 100% do not put up with that kind of crap.

I agree. Ironically, I'm a total social media junkie, and I really do use social media as a crutch to allow me to build friendships (because I am still socially stunted lol) and meet people with similar interests.

But still, I agree. Especially with the real name thing. They say that requiring real names keeps you safe, but I strongly believe it does the opposite. It may or may not expose bullies, but it also exposes victims.