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Sad and broken

T

Teresa

New Member
Communication and intimacy is always key to a successful relationship.

I’ve never been in a relationship where I was intrigued and fascinated before.

As much as it hurts, Mark decided that our relationship is over. Many won’t understand our relationship because it was unique. Mark has Aspergers and I have ADHD. Maybe we clashed. He always felt that I never listened to him and I’ve always felt he never loved me. It was a very passionate and intense love from the beginning. It’s very heartbreaking because I do still love him. I tend to over talk at times and he couldn’t express his emotions. I’m just sorry that we never got couples therapy much sooner. It will always be my fault because I always over talked.
 
I really want him to come back home.
He has known to be gone a couple of days before when he gets upset. He’s been gone for four days. I emailed a local homeless shelter and they wrote back and said he was there looking for a bed but maybe he will come back the next day.
 
QUOTE
I am so sorry that my romantic feelings are gone. I do not want to "string you along" so I must be clear: our relationship is over. :( I am so sorry.
END QUOTE


That’s what he sent me via text.
 
I see. That does seem upsetting. But what is it you are looking for in this place? Are you looking for advice, help, or did you just want to vent at some autistic people?
 
Uhhh...

Is a guy that runs to a homeless shelter when he's upset really the type of guy you want to be with? I think you've got bigger problems than a lack of couples therapy and too much talking.
 
Take it from me he and you are not going to work out he doesn't feel you are taking his opinion seriously, and you don't feel loved by him. It's time to move on because he obviously by his text has indicated no more desire to be in a relationship with you. Also if he is running away to the homeless shelter there is bigger problems to be considered. Me personally if I leave somewhere no matter how upset I am I have a place to go and stay that is far safer and cleaner.
 
Its probably not going to be much consolation now, but if you learned something about yourself, it may be useful in future.
 
He’s been suffering from a lot of depression. I tried to get him on Medicaid in our state but he wasn’t eligible. He’s such a very smart guy and was very sweet. He truly amazed me with everything he could do. The most hurtful thing of all is my children. They are missing him so much. I really hope he does get the help he needs. We love him here.
 
Mixed relationships between autistic and non-autistic couples pose some unique challenges. Posing some real stress on any notion of long-term compatibility. Where in most cases I'm apt to surmise that they amount to "emotional longshots". Where sometimes all you can do is just accept that it didn't work and just move on.

In my own case I went through a number of relationships with Neurotypical women and none of them worked out. And that in most cases looking back on them I suspect those failures were my own fault. Yet even with hindsight I'm not truly convinced I ever had a real chance of making them work. Just too many compatibility issues. Not to mention I also have chronic clinical depression.

Interesting that you freely admit to being concerned that you "talk too much". I can only say in my own case, that would prove to be a problem for me as an autistic person. Where only long after so many breakups that I realized how critical a degree of routine solitude is for me. But that's just me.

I can't speak for everyone on the spectrum in this regard, but only that I have my suspicions about such things. Equally pondering whether or not this would be a paramount concern to my Neurotypical counterpart. Maybe- or maybe not. Something to think about though, and whether or not it would serve you to considering attempting to alter such behavior in future relationships. Then again, you might just find someone who relishes talking to such a degree. You never know.

I can only say that from my own point of view and personal observation, that those few mixed relationships that do work, most likely involve love on such a scale that allows one or both of them to make emotional sacrifices far beyond just what I'd call "social compromises". Those couples who are willing to concede that making it work means something other than strictly each of them giving on a "50-50" basis, which I suspect most people fundamentally expect or demand.
 
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My own thoughts about relationships between people with these 'conditions' are that it is dam hard work - constant work in progress. Relationships are hard work anyway, even between 'normals' so it's only to be expected that problems will come along, even if the two people are very much in love. I was married to a 'normal' for the best part of 10 years. He was an openly affectionate and sensitive person, always demonstrative. I blamed myself for the relationship breaking down. Although I loved him very much I couldn't deal with any confrontation so issues never got settled properly and I couldn't respond in a normal emotional way when he expected it. He was annoyed and frustrated a lot with me a lot of the time. I found it hard to make compromises too, especially if he wanted me to attend social gatherings. He would say I didn't care about him because I didn't act like he expected me to act. It destroyed me and I've never had a proper relationship since. I'd like to sound upbeat and positive but I can't. I couldn't change what I was so I let him go. That's the hardest thing, knowing when to let go.
 
I think it worth mentioning no two people on the spectrum are the same.... Also if you really want to make it work you should understand that it will be a long road and that the journey is not one to embark on lightly it will take dedication, determination, and teamwork in huge amounts. I should tell you that what will help is to when he opens up be quiet and listen, if he feels emotionally validated by you, and you give plenty of positive reinforcement that will help also I find personally I pushed away people I cared about sometimes especially if I was afraid of emotionally hurting them. He may care about you deeply but just not know how to express his love, my first gf and me had this issue. With my second girlfriend we had long discussions about boundaries, ways I could support her, how she could best support me,etc. This was a constantly evolving conversation with us and made me feel safe with her. Also I had a cheat list of things that made her really super happy that she gave me. Another thing is he might need to know you won't judge him because of his problems or quirks.
 
It wasn't your fault.

I'm no expert, but wouldn't it be MediCal that he applies for?
 
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Sorry to hear you're going through this right now. I can't say much only to offer you my very best at this time.
 
To the best of your ability, focus on yourself. Improve yourself and you need to become self-sufficient emotionally, physically, and generally for life for not just you, but your children as well.

Work on those things. Your husband is on his own and has to fend for himself. You have more concerns that are worth concentrating on. You don't have to close your doors, but don't go looking for him at all. Make him earn your respect back if he does come back or consider divorce if not. It doesn't matter at this point if he visited some shelter he could or couldn't get in to as he chose this and not you.
 
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