Romantic Relationships: Take Whoever's Available or Extremely Picky?

[jleeb05]

When I was doing my assessment last week, the clinician said that because many aspies struggle with romantic relationships, we sometimes jump into relationships with anyone who offers one. It makes sense but that didn't resonate with me. If anything, I feel that my autism causes me to be too selective because I fixate on small details.

On one hand, being selective is a good thing. I don't just jump into relationships because someone is interested. On the other hand, I sometimes worry that I'm hyperaware of someone's flaws. If someone has a scar, or weird ears, or a lazy eye, I'll just fixate on those things.

For example, I briefly dated this guy who was quite attractive (maybe even out of my league) but he had this rather large mole behind his ear and I would sometimes focus on it. To be clear, I did not break up with this guy because he had a mole. He actually broke up with me. Of course, I know no one is perfect but I do wonder if my hyper-focus on flaws has caused me to overlook decent options.

I know being on the spectrum makes finding a romantic partner difficult in many ways but I'm wondering if this resonates with anyone? How does being on the spectrum impact how you view potential romantic partners?

 

[Aspychata]

What l read somewhere is that we have a type that we gravitate too. But l can fixate on their looks in a good way.☺ But l don't date very much, because maybe l am picky???

But they can fixate on our flaws too. So it's a two way street.

 

[unperson]

over acute eyesight can make these things a problem. I know I noticed every deviation from perfect. It's error spotting.

uh someone you can get old with comfortably is probably a good guide.

 

[Bolletje]

In my younger years I have definitely dated a few people simply because they were attracted to me. I think a big part of that was that I was very insecure and shy, and I didn’t really consider what it was I wanted.

 

[SusanLR]

I've never felt very close with many of the guys I dated or had relationships with.
It had nothing to do with looks. It was something to do with their personalities that
I was drawn by.
Several of them were Aspies. I wonder if there is a gravitational thing.
We just don't consciously think about it.

 

[SimonSays]

My first couple of relationships, when I was 18 and then 21, were definitely about me wanting to be with them. I was infatuated, in love, not sure how to describe the feeling, but I was obsessed with them. Neither worked out. The first one lasted almost 3 years, while the second a year-and-a-half. But I was young, and they were just trial runs you might say for what would come later.

After that, things sort of happened as a result of unexpected moments of meeting someone at a party or at work, who seemed interested in me, and I realised that for someone to want to be with me, to show interest and want me in their life, made all the difference. It opened me to exploring where it might lead. It definitely makes a difference when you feel you are someone else's choice.

I had one relationship where I actively avoided getting involved, and, as if putting out a vibe of ‘forbidden fruit’, discovered I had attracted someone whose desire seemed to be fuelled by my reluctance. Definitely an ego trip. Eventually I did get involved with her. It didn't last long either.

Then there were two marriages, the first was seemingly with my soulmate. I felt something that I'd never felt before, but was not in a position to do anything about it for several months (we worked in the same company but in different departments so hardly saw each other). In fact I let go of the idea entirely and accepted that even though I felt this way, the circumstances would just have to change for me to be able to act on it. That's exactly what happened, as if it was fate. This lasted over 20 years, primarily because we had a daughter, but I knew after the first month something wasn't right. I just didn't want to give up.

My previous marriage was the most intense and created the most difficulty for me. We were both on the spectrum and both undiagnosed. She was 20 years younger than me and we were attempting to live together in a single room apartment. We both wanted to be with each other and yet it just didn't work either.

It feels so much easier when somebody shows interest in me, but I now realise that who they are seeing is not going to be me. So because I was always open to exploring, I was likely to accept anyone doing so because it seemed more about the journey not the destination, so I now see that it didn't have to work out, I just had to bring my true self into the relationship and hopefully any issues that still remained unresolved wouldn't interfere too much and perhaps could even be worked out.

I'm not sure that a successful relationship can happen if there are too many issues not dealt with, and yet how do you work out relationship issues unless you get involved with someone? I've never had casual relationships or one night stands. I've never tried to get involved with someone while still in a relationship with someone else.

I have had female friendships, but they also haven't lasted. I've even had one companionship experience, and that seemed to make the most sense; like having a woman as my best friend where there is no sexual activity. That's not an easy thing to do. For both people to not get involved physically, just having mutual respect, love and offering support. It may be that this is the only kind of relationship that will actually work for me.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I am thinking what you are attracted to in your youth is different than what you are attracted to as you age and mature. When you are young, you tend to be a bit more discriminating about physical features,...perhaps some biology in that,...some, unconscious mate-seeking behavior. However, as you age and become more socially mature, you quickly realize,..."I've got to live with this person."..."This person is my life partner." With those thoughts, it becomes more of a compatibility issue,..."Is this person my intellectual peer?",..."How do they go about their daily life, handle stress, etc?",..."Are they controlling?",..."Are they selfish and self-absorbed?",...a long list of things to consider.

We are all going to loose our youthful good looks,...frankly, some of us never had good looks to begin with , but in the end, it becomes more an issue of compatibility.

Now, there is another dynamic,...the socially insecure person that finally receives some attention from someone. They may be thinking,..."Finally!". Sometimes this works,...two lost souls searching and finally found each other. I am sure that "fairy tale" thing exists. On the other hand, sometimes,...it becomes a predator-prey relationship. Take for example, a socially insecure and immature female finally meets a socially insecure male,...a "beta male" for lack of a better term. The beta male basically becomes the controller, the abuser (mostly mentally, but sometimes physically),...he does this to establish his dominance, to make himself feel better about himself,...but it is a twisted and destructive relationship. The poor, abused female will, at least for a while, hang on with thoughts of "He loves me",..."He said he would change",...etc. Nothing changes and life becomes torture,...Oh, and if there are children involved,...there is a lot of messed up lives in the mix.

We can talk about true "alpha males",...which embrace an "alpha female",...and the fake alpha males,...which tend to be threatened by alpha females. You're almost better, as a female, to get into a relationship with a "mousy", weak male partner than one of those "posers". Those alpha male "posers",...those clowns who always have to project and talk about being "tough" and "being a man". You know the ones, stereotypically (big truck, sports car, guns, tattoos, facial hair, gym membership, just enough money to pay for one more gun and vehicle modification, pathologically selfish, loves to blame others for his current state of affairs, full of hot air and BS )...nothing more than weak, insecure, man-children,...run away as fast as your little legs can carry you. A true alpha will walk into a room, pay zero attention to anyone, mind his own business,...but people will immediately and unconsciously recognize him as the alpha and people will walk up to him, ask his opinions,...he is a leader without even making an effort. Alpha females, pretty much the same deal,...I love alpha females,...alot.

I didn't mean to get off onto a tangent there, but having two sisters who have had their lives severely impacted by controlling, abusive, beta males,...it's a touchy subject with me.

 

[Suzette]

Now, there is another dynamic,...the socially insecure person that finally receives some attention from someone. They may be thinking,..."Finally!". Sometimes this works,...two lost souls searching and finally found each other. I am sure that "fairy tale" thing exists. On the other hand, sometimes,...it becomes a predator-prey relationship. Take for example, a socially insecure and immature female finally meets a socially insecure male,...a "beta male" for lack of a better term. The beta male basically becomes the controller, the abuser (mostly mentally, but sometimes physically),...he does this to establish his dominance, to make himself feel better about himself,...but it is a twisted and destructive relationship. The poor, abused female will, at least for a while, hang on with thoughts of "He loves me",..."He said he would change",...etc. Nothing changes and life becomes torture,...Oh, and if there are children involved,...there is a lot of messed up lives in the mix.

This was my first marriage. But I didn't stay because "he loves me" , I stayed because I thought I was the one who was wrong. My family contributed to that and his too.
When I "woke up" I felt guilty and like I was a betrayer. But I persisted and realized that I wasn't wrong. I was fine but I had been emeshed in a culture that was narcississtic and sociopathic.

Any way, no, just no, no, no. Never acccept just anyone because you are lonely. It is far better to learn how not be lonely. And this can be done.

 

[QuestJan]

I have absolutely no insight on relationships with humans.

I was raised by dogs. I was loyal, devoted, protective, affectionate, playful; a pleaser - and oh so naive. Apparently, narcissists have a special radar for these traits.

I am now a ***** (rhymes with witch) that doesn't bark much, but does bite when provoked. And, of course, a confirmed bachelor.

 

[Martha Ferris]

I have explored relationships with nearly every type of male out there from attractive to not so much, from well off to having no income, from heavy men to thin men, short men to tall men, from intelligent to not so much, educated and not educated all with the goal of trying to find someone I need in my life and it turned out I didn't need any of them. Not one of them treated me as a person first and a woman second.
I look at people's physical flaws and ask myself if other things about them out weigh those flaws. Can I live with them? Are they a deal breaker for me? While I don't like this quality about myself, and I am under no illusions about my own flaws, I need to be physically attracted to someone.

 

[Judge]

I have explored relationships with nearly every type of male out there from attractive to not so much, from well off to having no income, from heavy men to thin men, short men to tall men, from intelligent to not so much, educated and not educated all with the goal of trying to find someone I need in my life and it turned out I didn't need any of them.

Seems you have found your "tribe".

Where so many of us have a "love-hate" relationship with our own species apart from gender conflicts/issues.

 

[Magna]

Back when I was dating my only criteria was: cis female, attractive personality and something attractive about them physically.

Other than cis female, personality was at the top as to what I was attracted to.

In regards to physical attractiveness, I think it's hilarious these days when a person has absolutely precise requirements or they don't date. If I found a certain thing or things attractive about her appearance but maybe there was something else that wasn't "perfect", who cares. No one is perfect. I dated people (ie someone with a personality), not objects.

I didn't date as much as some people did when I was younger but I dated a lot more than some other people did.

 

[paloftoon]

Everyone is different, and usually no one is wrong!
Your clinician is correct because some of us will tend to jump into a relationship too quickly. You are also right because sometimes, we will fixate on the wrong things too much.

How do you know which is better? Try to consider context. Ask trusted friends for their advice and your therapist if you have one and if you can. In the end, the decision is yours. You don't have to follow the advice you get- but any choice you make or don't make, the consequences fall solely on you.

There are no easy answers. It's meant to be hard and truly a balance.

Sometimes it's good to have high expectations, but sometimes it's good to be much more open instead. Part of being in a relationship and even a friendship to a lesser degree is being able to be around another person and work with their personalities, interests, and situations and how they may or may not affect you.

 

[SimonSays]

I need to be physically attracted to someone.

I agree, although what constitutes attractiveness varies enormously for me. I think it helps not having a 'type' or holding ideas about how she has to look. Often it is just who she is that creates an attraction.

Even when I was first getting involved with women, it had to be more than just a physical thing (although physical attraction still played a part for sure). Much less so as I got older. Now, friendship, kindness, caring, are far more attractive qualities.

I think the physical attraction aspect is built-in/hard wired, so it's still there, perhaps always will be, but just like I can look at a work of art and appreciate its beauty without needing to possess it, so with people, what is beneath is far more attractive than what is on top.

I often wonder how much being considered 'stunning' has on who someone becomes, personality-wise, as they never have to try and are always able to pick and choose from so many admirers, even if it turns out that things fail a lot because they are only choosing from men who are dealing with all those 'attraction chemicals' making them seem like the ideal partner when they may be far from it.

 

[Magna]

I am thinking what you are attracted to in your youth is different than what you are attracted to as you age and mature. When you are young, you tend to be a bit more discriminating about physical features,...perhaps some biology in that,...some, unconscious mate-seeking behavior. However, as you age and become more socially mature, you quickly realize,..."I've got to live with this person."..."This person is my life partner." With those thoughts, it becomes more of a compatibility issue,..."Is this person my intellectual peer?",..."How do they go about their daily life, handle stress, etc?",..."Are they controlling?",..."Are they selfish and self-absorbed?",...a long list of things to consider.

We are all going to loose our youthful good looks,...frankly, some of us never had good looks to begin with , but in the end, it becomes more an issue of compatibility.

Now, there is another dynamic,...the socially insecure person that finally receives some attention from someone. They may be thinking,..."Finally!". Sometimes this works,...two lost souls searching and finally found each other. I am sure that "fairy tale" thing exists. On the other hand, sometimes,...it becomes a predator-prey relationship. Take for example, a socially insecure and immature female finally meets a socially insecure male,...a "beta male" for lack of a better term. The beta male basically becomes the controller, the abuser (mostly mentally, but sometimes physically),...he does this to establish his dominance, to make himself feel better about himself,...but it is a twisted and destructive relationship. The poor, abused female will, at least for a while, hang on with thoughts of "He loves me",..."He said he would change",...etc. Nothing changes and life becomes torture,...Oh, and if there are children involved,...there is a lot of messed up lives in the mix.

We can talk about true "alpha males",...which embrace an "alpha female",...and the fake alpha males,...which tend to be threatened by alpha females. You're almost better, as a female, to get into a relationship with a "mousy", weak male partner than one of those "posers". Those alpha male "posers",...those clowns who always have to project and talk about being "tough" and "being a man". You know the ones, stereotypically (big truck, sports car, guns, tattoos, facial hair, gym membership, just enough money to pay for one more gun and vehicle modification, pathologically selfish, loves to blame others for his current state of affairs, full of hot air and BS )...nothing more than weak, insecure, man-children,...run away as fast as your little legs can carry you. A true alpha will walk into a room, pay zero attention to anyone, mind his own business,...but people will immediately and unconsciously recognize him as the alpha and people will walk up to him, ask his opinions,...he is a leader without even making an effort. Alpha females, pretty much the same deal,...I love alpha females,...alot.

I didn't mean to get off onto a tangent there, but having two sisters who have had their lives severely impacted by controlling, abusive, beta males,...it's a touchy subject with me.

These are all good points. I would add another rule in regards to Alpha males. An Alpha male "poser" would be one who calls himself an Alpha male. True Alpha males don't call themselves Alpha males or even allude to it. They are what they are.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

These are all good points. I would add another rule in regards to Alpha males. An Alpha male "poser" would be one who calls himself an Alpha male. True Alpha males don't call themselves Alpha males or even allude to it. They are what they are.

Absolutely. If you have to remind people you are king,...you probably aren't the king.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I never had that choice. Despite hard work to make a decent career a possibility and interests that spanned outdoor activities to the cultural, there was no woman who even took an interest in me so there was never a choice to be made. The one I settled on was due to unusual circumstance. We car pooled to a Sierra Club trail maintenance project: 4 days traveling with stops for various activities and adventure, we got to know each other well, and I was impressed with her as a person. She harmonized with what I thought were desirable qualities and it seemed so natural and unpressured that my social anxiety did not come into play until we decided to become intimate, and there I nearly sabotaged myself, hearing no when she actually assented. Because we liked each other as people we ironed out that difficulty quickly and let our lust play out. A case of avoiding the two extremes you pose.

 

[jleeb05]

This is all very helpful. I love hearing about other people's experiences. I sometimes imagine a glass with a line on it. You pour a little liquid from pitcher A (Attraction) and pitcher B (Personality). In order for me to be interested, there has to be enough liquid to get past that line. And it's impossible to get there without something from both pitchers.

over acute eyesight can make these things a problem. I know I noticed every deviation from perfect. It's error spotting.

Oh my God, that is exactly it!

The clinician actually agreed with my theory that "romantic relationships/romantic partners" are one of my special interests. I think some of my previous love interests/crushes were probably obsessions. I may have a type or two but I actually don't have a list of physical traits that I require. The problem is the "error spotting" and fixation. It's like if my special interest was legos. I might build a 1,000 piece set and immediately notice if one lego block is out of place. So it's not that I'm looking for specific traits in a romantic partner but I hyper-fixate on perceived "errors/flaws/things out of place or missing."

If someone makes it through my "error spotting" and I like them, I then obsess. It was much worse when I was younger. I would write poetry, stare, follow them around, scribble their name over and over, etc. If I was lucky enough to go on a date with the person, I usually ruined things with my intensity. I remember thinking that this guy was texting me less frequently after our first date. He claimed nothing had changed so I diligently counted and averaged every text message and triumphantly presented my data to him. "Prior to our date, you sent me an average of 25.34 text messages/day but after our date, you only send me 10.59 text messages/day. This is statistically significant so clearly, I'm right that something has changed." Not surprisingly, he stopped texting me completely after that and there was no second date. *facepalm*

I guess I've felt that if I didn't feel that strong emotion/obsession toward someone then something was missing. It feels like two extremes. Either I'm completely fixated/infatuated or I feel nothing at all. The switch is either on or off. There's is rarely a middle ground. Hopefully, this changes as I get older. It's hard enough finding viable romantic partners when you're on the spectrum. It's even worse when the few willing prospects have to survive your intense visual inspection and then near-obsessive interest in them.

 

[QuestJan]

If I found a certain thing or things attractive about her appearance but maybe there was something else that wasn't "perfect", who cares. No one is perfect. I dated people (ie someone with a personality), not objects.

My impression is that people are expected to fix imperfections. Teeth are straightened & whitened; skin smoothed and lifted; hair colored & extended, breasts, butts, & biceps augmented, lipo suctioned. Real people are out of vogue.

Does designing a mate and then crushing someone into that mold sound romantic?

 

[Wulven]

These are all good points. I would add another rule in regards to Alpha males. An Alpha male "poser" would be one who calls himself an Alpha male. True Alpha males don't call themselves Alpha males or even allude to it. They are what they are.

Is an alpha male a take charge person in times of need. Accepting the consequences and saying to heck with them until the task is done?