Robot or aspie human? Help, please!

[Shazzbott77]

I mean this in the most loving way possible, and I know I need to say that since it could be taken the wrong way given where I am . I'm trying to decide if my guy is just a blunt, sorta rude jerk that thinks he's better than everyone else, who has no feelings or emotions, and can't process that he's hurting someone else's feelings(mine) (because he doesnt know how that feels himself) (robot), or if he is in fact on the spectrum since he wont come right out and say it. Help? I'm pretty sure he is. Many things point to this, and he's said he is but never been diagnosed. So, I've tried to research how to communicate better with him, and tried using different tones when speaking in person, or being very wordy and specific via text. I've been on this site before and told him so, and he was just kinda like "oh. Okay." If something bothers me or hurts my feelings and I try to communicate it he thinks I'm attacking him, no matter my tone or how I've worded it, and we end up having a huge argument. The simplest statement will be taken the wrong way and blown out of proportion. This happens frequently enough that I'm starting to think I might not be able to stick around, after 2 years together and 1 year living together. Ive never argued with anyone more in any relationship. He comes off as seeming to think he's smarter and better than everyone else including me, because things don't get to him and he doesnt react like the rest of us do. He always thinks his opinions and view points are right and mine are wrong. He has never apologized for hurting my feelings because he says that he didn't intend to hurt my feelings and that I should just basically buck up and brush it off and since that wasn't his intention, he shouldn't apologize. When he says mean things and comes off really rude to people other than myself I feel myself wanting to apologize to them for him. We've at least gotten to the point that he won't shut down and just ignore me if he thinks he's being attacked, he will sit and continue the discussion, which I'm glad about. But, the discussion is mostly him trying to make me see that he is right and not trying to see my view at all. I'm really frustrated by this. He tries to tell me I'm not passionate about anything, and that's basically wrong and lazy in his eyes. I'm actually above average intelligence, and very creative, and I tend to have a zillion different projects going, plus work full time so I'm assuming because I dont put my all into one thing, like he does, that he sees this as wrong and basically stupid. Please dont anyone take this the wrong way, but I feel like he doesn't realize that he is the one that likely has a neurological disorder and does things differently (not wrong, just differently) (and I love it), but dont try to make me feel inferior to you because we function differently. This is mainly my gripe with the whole thing. He says that's not what he thinks but he's rolling his eyes and talking down to me. I explain this to no avail. Is this typical or is he being kinda jerky? My other concern, is the physical part of the relationship. We hardly ever have sex and when we do, I have to initiate it. Except for once in a while he tries to while he's sleeping (hilarious) but stops as soon as I touch him back and he wakes up. I've brought this up several times when I'm finally just so sad that it seems he's not interested and he's told me flat out that he's not going to because he has no interest, yet he masturbates frequently. I've asked several times for some sort of compromise, because it's something important to me. As recently as last week we had a good talk about it and I felt better again about things but still no sex. He was out of town for a few days and came back today, so we talked for a bit and then both took a nap and woke up and talked some more. I said I was going to get up and go for a walk. Went to the kitchen and ate a banana first and decided to change into a lighter shirt. Walked in on him masturbating. I'm shaking and crying but i do not yell or cause a scene and just ask why since I was laying next to him 5 minutes prior and we just had a good talk about things. He's laughing at me for being upset. Now, maybe he's just embarrassed, but after a good hour of him not understanding why this could upset me in light of our very recent talk and him telling me that I'm shallow because that shouldn't be important to me because it's not to him he continues to laugh at me for crying about it and says I need to start valuing other things in our relationship more and seeing those things as more intimate and not sex as being intimate. I realize I'm saying all these things and making him out to sound rude and mean, and heartless, and not telling you that he is a good guy in areas like he takes care of his home and pays his bills and doesn't snack me around and as far as I know doesnt sleep around and he loves animals and nature, etc etc...
So like, does any of this sound like we could benefit from maybe him being actually diagnosed and admitting it and working on it, or does it sound like he might actually be a machine and I should just part ways? (This totally a joke, I'm trying to be light hearted about it). I just want some sort of compromise I guess, if indeed it is a disorder. I have made changes to accommodate him and make him more comfortable. WE SLEEP ON THE FLOOR BECAUSE HE THINKS BEDS ARE UNCOMFORTABLE. We are 40 years old. Dude. I feel like I give and give and I'm just supposed to say "oh it's okay, you can make me feel like crap and that's fine because of your disorder" because as soon as I express any feelings I'm a bad guy. I feel like I may have figured out some things just by writing this out and honestly, even if he is diagnosed and this is the case maybe he is still kind of mean. Like I dont think he should be able to use that as an excuse to just not be accountable for hurting someone or for being rude to them. Which I guess is why I try to bring it to his attention and try to communicate in a calm manner, but he freaks out. All I want is maybe an apology here and there and a "yeah maybe I'm difficult sometimes", but it never comes because he doesnt see anything as being off. And yes, I've told him all of this so he knows. Please dont rip into me, I'm not trying to be any sort of way, just possibly for some more understanding or suggestions. I'm crying while writing this, I really do want to try to make things work. I understand no one here is a counselor, but it seems like collectively a lot of experiences, so any input is welcomed. Thank you, I'll hang up and listen now.
Ps- apologies for any typos or grammatical errors, as I said I'm crying and it's 4am and I'm just at the end of the rope and can't concentrate

 

[Nitro]

Hi Shazzbott77

 

[wight]

I feel like I give and give and I'm just supposed to say "oh it's okay, you can make me feel like crap

I pulled this particular line out because it stuck out...and I left off the end on purpose. I think you need to evaluate your relationship in this context. It is really not OK for him to ignore your needs, belittle you, hurt you, etc. on a what seems to be a regular/daily basis.

For goodness sakes, you are sleeping on the floor? Screw that, sleep in the bed... don't have one...go buy one and have it delivered. You don't have to sacrifice who you are and your comfort to be in a relationship, any relationship, let alone this one.

 

[John Parris]

I mean this in the most loving way possible, and I know I need to say that since it could be taken the wrong way given where I am . I'm trying to decide if my guy is just a blunt, sorta rude jerk that thinks he's better than everyone else, who has no feelings or emotions, and can't process that he's hurting someone else's feelings(mine) (because he doesnt know how that feels himself) (robot), or if he is in fact on the spectrum since he wont come right out and say it. Help? I'm pretty sure he is. Many things point to this, and he's said he is but never been diagnosed. So, I've tried to research how to communicate better with him, and tried using different tones when speaking in person, or being very wordy and specific via text. I've been on this site before and told him so, and he was just kinda like "oh. Okay." If something bothers me or hurts my feelings and I try to communicate it he thinks I'm attacking him, no matter my tone or how I've worded it, and we end up having a huge argument. The simplest statement will be taken the wrong way and blown out of proportion. This happens frequently enough that I'm starting to think I might not be able to stick around, after 2 years together and 1 year living together. Ive never argued with anyone more in any relationship. He comes off as seeming to think he's smarter and better than everyone else including me, because things don't get to him and he doesnt react like the rest of us do. He always thinks his opinions and view points are right and mine are wrong. He has never apologized for hurting my feelings because he says that he didn't intend to hurt my feelings and that I should just basically buck up and brush it off and since that wasn't his intention, he shouldn't apologize. When he says mean things and comes off really rude to people other than myself I feel myself wanting to apologize to them for him. We've at least gotten to the point that he won't shut down and just ignore me if he thinks he's being attacked, he will sit and continue the discussion, which I'm glad about. But, the discussion is mostly him trying to make me see that he is right and not trying to see my view at all. I'm really frustrated by this. He tries to tell me I'm not passionate about anything, and that's basically wrong and lazy in his eyes. I'm actually above average intelligence, and very creative, and I tend to have a zillion different projects going, plus work full time so I'm assuming because I dont put my all into one thing, like he does, that he sees this as wrong and basically stupid. Please dont anyone take this the wrong way, but I feel like he doesn't realize that he is the one that likely has a neurological disorder and does things differently (not wrong, just differently) (and I love it), but dont try to make me feel inferior to you because we function differently. This is mainly my gripe with the whole thing. He says that's not what he thinks but he's rolling his eyes and talking down to me. I explain this to no avail. Is this typical or is he being kinda jerky? My other concern, is the physical part of the relationship. We hardly ever have sex and when we do, I have to initiate it. Except for once in a while he tries to while he's sleeping (hilarious) but stops as soon as I touch him back and he wakes up. I've brought this up several times when I'm finally just so sad that it seems he's not interested and he's told me flat out that he's not going to because he has no interest, yet he masturbates frequently. I've asked several times for some sort of compromise, because it's something important to me. As recently as last week we had a good talk about it and I felt better again about things but still no sex. He was out of town for a few days and came back today, so we talked for a bit and then both took a nap and woke up and talked some more. I said I was going to get up and go for a walk. Went to the kitchen and ate a banana first and decided to change into a lighter shirt. Walked in on him masturbating. I'm shaking and crying but i do not yell or cause a scene and just ask why since I was laying next to him 5 minutes prior and we just had a good talk about things. He's laughing at me for being upset. Now, maybe he's just embarrassed, but after a good hour of him not understanding why this could upset me in light of our very recent talk and him telling me that I'm shallow because that shouldn't be important to me because it's not to him he continues to laugh at me for crying about it and says I need to start valuing other things in our relationship more and seeing those things as more intimate and not sex as being intimate. I realize I'm saying all these things and making him out to sound rude and mean, and heartless, and not telling you that he is a good guy in areas like he takes care of his home and pays his bills and doesn't snack me around and as far as I know doesnt sleep around and he loves animals and nature, etc etc...
So like, does any of this sound like we could benefit from maybe him being actually diagnosed and admitting it and working on it, or does it sound like he might actually be a machine and I should just part ways? (This totally a joke, I'm trying to be light hearted about it). I just want some sort of compromise I guess, if indeed it is a disorder. I have made changes to accommodate him and make him more comfortable. WE SLEEP ON THE FLOOR BECAUSE HE THINKS BEDS ARE UNCOMFORTABLE. We are 40 years old. Dude. I feel like I give and give and I'm just supposed to say "oh it's okay, you can make me feel like crap and that's fine because of your disorder" because as soon as I express any feelings I'm a bad guy. I feel like I may have figured out some things just by writing this out and honestly, even if he is diagnosed and this is the case maybe he is still kind of mean. Like I dont think he should be able to use that as an excuse to just not be accountable for hurting someone or for being rude to them. Which I guess is why I try to bring it to his attention and try to communicate in a calm manner, but he freaks out. All I want is maybe an apology here and there and a "yeah maybe I'm difficult sometimes", but it never comes because he doesnt see anything as being off. And yes, I've told him all of this so he knows. Please dont rip into me, I'm not trying to be any sort of way, just possibly for some more understanding or suggestions. I'm crying while writing this, I really do want to try to make things work. I understand no one here is a counselor, but it seems like collectively a lot of experiences, so any input is welcomed. Thank you, I'll hang up and listen now.
Ps- apologies for any typos or grammatical errors, as I said I'm crying and it's 4am and I'm just at the end of the rope and can't concentrate

Hi Shazzbott77

My heart goes out to you, I don't think I can quickly give a good reply but I wanted to reply promptly. Maybe there will be exchanges to follow from others that will help you. I'm just an Aspergers male person, not qualified but I've been on the other side of the relationship, albeit not so extreme.

I can see from what you say that may be difficult to get him to open up. Have you been able / can you get him to describe how he feels about himself and life? If he is Aspergers it may be that he easily becomes anxious and panics and that the 'I know it all, what's your problem' type of responses you are getting may be mega-defensive as a result of this anxiety and panic. Also the strong habitual behaviour you describe is safe for him and even thinking about alternatives results in massive a&p.

Again from what you say it would be difficult but for me moving forward to a diagnosis should be done together, once you've got communication going on between you. Also, the diagnosis should tell you what you are dealing with and point you at help on how to proceed but progress will require a big commitment on both your parts towards building a relationship that you both find satisfactory.

Hope this helps, sorry if it doesn't.

p.s. Don't worry, for me, typo's and poor grammar are compulsory!

 

[tree]

 

[Mr Allen]

This guy clearly has issues IMO, including control issues, he wants to control you for a start... Not good.

 

[Tom]

In considering a life relationship what you have in the beginning must be acceptable, something you can live with forever. If you are counting on being able to make significant changes its like counting chickens before they hatch. People in general do not change easily, and if there is a mental condition involved it can get a lot more complicated. It often involves professional help and there is no guarentee they will accept the notion or seek help. Ultimately its up to you to make an assessment if this is going to be doable or not.

 

[xudo]

I'll be blunt. He sounds like a massive douche.

Even if someone does have a diagnosis, it doesn't excuse them if they're being an arrogant elitist douche.

 

[clg114]

Welcome to Aspies Central!

 

[Shazzbott77]

Whew, thanks so far for the replies. I'm struggling with the whole thing so badly. I feel bad that he might never have someone that will at least try to figure it out with him, but his response are always "I dont care. I dont need you or anyone else to be happy. Leave if you wanna.", and a lot of shrugs. True, but I feel these are issues that could be worked on so why can't we? Because you might be aspie you don't think you should try to compromise anything for the sake of a good relationship with someone whose company you enjoy? Anyone else did that and I'd be out in a heartbeat but for some reason I think it's just a defense because of the disorder (if there is one) (I mean there likely is, but..) I dont know. Thanks again for any input. I think I'm just trying to decide if excusing the behavior because he might be is acceptable, but I just feel like the behavior itself is unacceptable regardless. I understand that he doesnt process emotions and feelings like me, and doesnt realize he is being hurtful, but when it's communicated that he is, I dont feel he should just be like well f you if you dont like it that's just how i am and I'm not gonna apologize for being me. Is this a common thing and if I were to suggest he get diagnosed and get help together do people tend to come around? I know everyone is different. I'm sorry for generalizing. Like I said I think I'm just trying to decide if a plan of this nature will even be helpful.

 

[WereBear]

I'm trying to decide if my guy is just a blunt, sorta rude jerk that thinks he's better than everyone else, who has no feelings or emotions, and can't process that he's hurting someone else's feelings(mine) (because he doesnt know how that feels himself) (robot), or if he is in fact on the spectrum since he wont come right out and say it.

If something bothers me or hurts my feelings and I try to communicate it he thinks I'm attacking him, no matter my tone or how I've worded it, and we end up having a huge argument.

He always thinks his opinions and view points are right and mine are wrong.

He tries to tell me I'm not passionate about anything, and that's basically wrong and lazy in his eyes.

He's laughing at me for being upset.

WE SLEEP ON THE FLOOR BECAUSE HE THINKS BEDS ARE UNCOMFORTABLE.

I'm sorry, @Shazzbott77 . This person has so many minuses I can't imagine any plusses that would compensate you for being around him.

It doesn't matter if he's on the Spectrum, if he's diagnosed or not, and how long you have hung in there. This is a toxic relationship with an emotional abuser, whatever his Neuro-status.

There's nothing to fix, here. I would advise getting out of this relationship and making it a lesson learned.

 

[Mary Lyn]

Shazz l agree entirely with WereBear it is toxic and there is nothing to fix. You are wasting your time and energy on this and the longer it goes on the more regrets you will be left with. You deserve much much better.

 

[Mary Anne]

This person is sucking the life out of you. Get out quickly. He knows how much he hurts you when he masturbates in the next room. He has told you repeatedly he is not interested in working things out or talking about his issues. WHY MUST YOU FEEL THE NEED TO CHANGE HIM! SAVE HIM? He is not interested, yet you keep hanging on, and he enjoys your masochism. He is not interested in talking about his issues, yet you keep trying to open him up despite all the psychological abuse he is doing to you. Forget about his aspie side, this guy is deplorable and destroying you. LEAVE him.

He is being completely honest when he tells you that you can “leave if you wanna.” He does not care about you, probably has a guy or gal that he sees on the side (you just are unaware) when he is “out of town.” Get out now before you sink into further depths of despair. A guy like this will take advantage of your love and kindness until you turn alcoholic, slit your wrists, while he walks away laughing. I have been with this type of guy and survived.

 

[WereBear]

Forget about his aspie side, this guy is deplorable and destroying you. LEAVE him.

Just want to point it it is speculative in this case, and add the cliche of the "robotic Aspie" needs to be killed with fire.

Sadistic is sadistic, and if we are robots we would not be deliberately cruel.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Just want to point it it is speculative in this case, and add the cliche of the "robotic Aspie" needs to be killed with fire.

Sadistic is sadistic, and if we are robots we would not be deliberately cruel.

But surely there's an optional cruelty attachment?

I'm not signing up to be a robot unless there is.

Also,will I still go to heaven?

 

[Mary Anne]

Whew, thanks so far for the replies. I'm struggling with the whole thing so badly. I feel bad that he might never have someone that will at least try to figure it out with him, but his response are always "I dont care. I dont need you or anyone else to be happy. Leave if you wanna.", and a lot of shrugs. True, but I feel these are issues that could be worked on so why can't we? Because you might be aspie you don't think you should try to compromise anything for the sake of a good relationship with someone whose company you enjoy? Anyone else did that and I'd be out in a heartbeat but for some reason I think it's just a defense because of the disorder (if there is one) (I mean there likely is, but..) I dont know. Thanks again for any input. I think I'm just trying to decide if excusing the behavior because he might be is acceptable, but I just feel like the behavior itself is unacceptable regardless. I understand that he doesnt process emotions and feelings like me, and doesnt realize he is being hurtful, but when it's communicated that he is, I dont feel he should just be like well f you if you dont like it that's just how i am and I'm not gonna apologize for being me. Is this a common thing and if I were to suggest he get diagnosed and get help together do people tend to come around? I know everyone is different. I'm sorry for generalizing. Like I said I think I'm just trying to decide if a plan of this nature will even be helpful.

Please ask yourself, why you are being such a masochistic doormat to this bastard. Are you so love blind that you can’t see how abusive this relationship is? How it’s so toxic that you are poisoned and not thinking clearly? Get out of this situation. Now. You put years into this “relationship” and it has only gotten worse. It takes two people to make a healthy relationship. You are not getting ANYTHING from him- not even sex.

 

[WereBear]

You put years into this “relationship” and it has only gotten worse.

This is the Sunk Cost Fallacy.

The Sunk Cost Fallacy. The Misconception: You make rational decisions based on the future value of objects, investments and experiences. The Truth: Your decisions are tainted by the emotional investments you accumulate, and the more you invest in something the harder it becomes to abandon it.

I understand the wail of "I have invested years in this relationship!" But it was always a bad investment. Bail now, don't throw more years at it.

 

[Mary Lyn]

Just a note of caution - when one is leaving an abusive relationship, the threat of worse abuse is there. One must plan it out carefully so that the abuser does not have access to the victim. Some men see it as an honour thing to beat up a woman who leaves them.

The first thing to do is to get some money together and investigate where you can go where you will be safe like womans refuge.

 

[Bella Pines]

He has never apologized for hurting my feelings because he says that he didn't intend to hurt my feelings and that I should just basically buck up and brush it off and since that wasn't his intention, he shouldn't apologize.

I'm aspie, 40s and also come across as thinking I'm better than everyone else and have no feelings or emotions, so the chances are high that he has aspergers.

However, it's difficult to explain why he does and says things without examples. What kinds of things does he say? Can you quote a specific example?

 

[Mary Anne]

Just a note of caution - when one is leaving an abusive relationship, the threat of worse abuse is there. One must plan it out carefully so that the abuser does not have access to the victim. Some men see it as an honour thing to beat up a woman who leaves them.

The first thing to do is to get some money together and investigate where you can go where you will be safe like womans refuge.

I don’t think it’s a “physically abusive relationship” at all, (where did you read that?) but it is emotionally destructive. He has told her to leave, and that he doesn’t care about her. She stays because she cannot let go. She stays because she wants to save and “change” him. She stays because she is afraid of being alone, and of losing all that time she has been with him. She keeps hanging on, and it is a total lost cause.