Rhetorical Questions

[Major Tom]

Yes, that's exactly the kind of question I tend to reply to literally. To me, "did you eat the pizza" is asking me whether I ate the pizza or not, and nothing else. So, I alswer literally, and if that was not was he was after, then he needs to rephrase the question or statement. If he meant that I shouldn't have eaten it because he wanted to eat it, then he just needs to say so.

I often reply very literally too, but that doesn't stop the inquisition.

 

[Major Tom]

An interpretation, potentially correct, potentially not:

Here in my part of the world, the culture is allergic to direct communication. Something about religion, "contention is of the devil," yada yada. It sounds to me like your partner is asking a "direct" question that is not actually what she wants to know.

In other words, "Did you eat that pizza?" is more like "Why did you eat that pizza?" Or even, "I was really looking forward to eating that piece of pizza myself but I forgot to tell you so, and now it's gone and I feel frustrated that I can't eat it, and guilty at the same time because how could you have known that I wanted it if I didn't tell you?" So asking why directly invites vulnerability. Potentially, as I said. This is just a theory.

Where I'm from, people feel a lot of shame for even getting frustrated—nevermind angry—because they think feeling that way is a sin. So they talk around this feeling and never confront the fact that they might be displeased about something. The pizza question reminds me of this.

"Why do you smell like alcohol?" makes me think of the question, "Have I done something wrong to drive you to drink, are you going to end up in the gutter like Edgar Allen Poe, will you die of tuberculosis like Mozart, I don't want to lose you, what is going on?" But all of this is vulnerable, and shows your partner's judgments about drinking. She may have any number of reasons for wanting to hide these judgments—an indirect or rhetorical question is one method of hiding them.

I dunno, maybe this is helpful or maybe it confuses things. Either way, I share your frustration, and have a tendency to snark pretty hard unless I manage to stop myself.

You may be onto something there about the alcohol. Her mother has a problem with it, and maybe she thinks I'll turn out like that, but I literally just have one drink and it doesn't change my personality at all. We've been married for 18 years now, she should know my strengths and weaknesses better. But I can understand definitely what childhood trauma can do to a person.

 

[Major Tom]

I know exactly what you mean about being asked rhetorical questions. It used to bother me too.
I found I was able to shift out of being bothered by just answering the question as if they really didn't know.

"Did you eat that slice of pizza?"
"Yes, I had it earlier."

Simple, factual response, without irritation.

To humanise it further, I might add..."but it never seems to taste as good as when it's fresh."

This further normalises you having chosen to eat the slice, because, primarily, you are an adult and can eat a slice of leftover pizza without it being an issue. But perhaps next time you might give her the choice before you do.

Thanks, I will try this tactic. It's hard to not be irritated, but I think I can do it. I think the main problem will be controling my facial expression.

 

[Mia]

Often I find questions like demands, which you are supposed to answer immediately whether you want to or not. Answering feels forced somehow.

 

[PastelPetals]

I just assume it's not rhetorical. I just answer all questions.

 

[Au Naturel]

"Was I not supposed to eat the piece of pizza? Why are you asking a question you already know the answer to?"

The questioner is being passive-aggressive. Call them on it. That's a lawyer's technique You never ask a witness on the stand a question you don't already know the answer to.

 

[Aneka]

Does anyone else here HATE rhetorical questions (questions someone already knows the answer to)? My wife is constantly asking me them, especially regarding food. She will ask me for example: "did you eat that piece of pizza?" When she obviously knows that I did, since my son doesn't eat pizza and if it wasn't him who ate it, it was either her or I that ate it..

I feel like saying "No, it escaped to another dimension", or something smart like that. I just don't get why people have to question about things that are obvious.. I'm not particularly a liar, so I can't see the reasoning behind it. It feels like I'm constantly in an interrogation room for something.

Does anyone else here have this issue with anyone in their lives? If so how do you deal with them?

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

Actually, I developed thr bad habit of using rhethorical questions to keep a conversation going.

 

[Nervous Rex]

Does anyone else here HATE rhetorical questions (questions someone already knows the answer to)? My wife is constantly asking me them, especially regarding food. She will ask me for example: "did you eat that piece of pizza?" When she obviously knows that I did, since my son doesn't eat pizza and if it wasn't him who ate it, it was either her or I that ate it.

It sounds to me like an expression of surprise or disbelief, the same as "I can't believe you ate that piece of pizza!"

I usually answer the question directly, "Yes, I ate it." ... then later it dawns on me that they weren't questioning the actual fact, but expressing their surprise in a roundabout way, and I'll go back to the topic and say, "Were you really surprised that I ate that piece of pizza? Were you hoping to have it later? Or did you think I ate too much?"

 

[Stardust Parade]

God yes I hate that crap.

 

[Major Tom]

God yes I hate that crap.

I got at least 15 last night. I've been trying the straight answers and nothing is helping. I went even as far as saying if she didn't stop, I was going to stop answering honestly and just start lying to tell her what she wants to hear. I'm fed up.

 

[tree]

Is it possible that she likes the excitement of prodding at a person
until that person will "fight" with her, and she can claim virtuously
that she has no idea why he's going off on her?

 

[Major Tom]

Is it possible that she likes the excitement of prodding at a person
until that person will "fight" with her, and she can claim virtuously
that she has no idea why he's going off on her?

That is a very likely thing @tree, it seems like that is what she's doing. It's an every day thing. Pokes and prods and then when I finally do get upset, I'm the bad guy. It's very draining. I can't seem to win.

 

[Fino]

Couples therapy time!

 

[Major Tom]

Couples therapy time!

I've suggested that many times. You are right, but if I am the only one willing to do it, it's surely not going to work.

 

[The Pandector]

Does anyone else here HATE rhetorical questions

No, not me. I love them when they're the real thing.

Snide replies to stoopid questions, on the other hand, is a wonderful pastime. I'm grateful whenever someone provides the opportunity. However, I find that indulging myself to the point of satisfaction has the unfortunate side effect of reducing the incidence rate. Go figure.

 

[Au Naturel]

It sounds to me like an expression of surprise or disbelief, the same as "I can't believe you ate that piece of pizza!"

I usually answer the question directly, "Yes, I ate it." ... then later it dawns on me that they weren't questioning the actual fact, but expressing their surprise in a roundabout way, and I'll go back to the topic and say, "Were you really surprised that I ate that piece of pizza? Were you hoping to have it later? Or did you think I ate too much?"

 

[Fino]

Are you still together because of the children?

 

[Major Tom]

Are you still together because of the children?

My son is the only thing that keeps me here really. Where I'm at and with my autism and other issues, if I'd leave, I'd get kicked out of the country and never get to see him again. Alone, my wife couldn't handle our son and she would cart him off to a mental hospital within a couple weeks I'm sure.

A good parent endures a lot of unpleasant things for the sake of their children. I will never abandon him until one day when I pass away.

 

[Major Tom]

Lol if only a couple Alka Seltzers would fix the situation haha.