Sorry in advance, this is a long one and I've had to split it in 2 as it's over 10,000 words.
In August I’m looking to begin sessions again. These will be the 3rd lot of sessions with my current therapist. Out of the 4 I have seen over the years I feel like this one is my 2nd favourite. Ranking them feels a little obtuse, and yet I am glad I’ve found another therapist who makes me feel at ease. My first two therapists didn’t feel like a good fit for me at the time. I’m sure they have helped numerous people, but for me, it didn’t feel right. That’s not to say I learned nothing – I’m just a very particular person, and most people don’t appeal to me. When I consider a therapist, and the amount of personal information and emotions I will be sharing with them – I can’t be as open to someone I don’t feel a bond with. Unfortunately, my favourite therapist works too far from where I live to make it feasible to have regular sessions with him again. In terms of location, my current one is by far the best as she works from home and lives in the same town as me. Her house is in a nice area and is well presented. The room she works from is relaxing, with dim lighting, nicely scented and with a wall that is furnished with numerous bookcases and books, as well as very comfortable seating. I had intended to restart my sessions once things had calmed down with the lockdown. I hope by August there will be no restrictions preventing me from having a therapy session like I used to - in a room, sat less than 2 metres from my therapist.
I feel like I'm on an endless search to find ways to help myself feel better. Another never ending process seems to be my overthinking – which leads to increase in my anxiety and depression, which leads to more overthinking. I’m no stranger to vicious circles, and whilst some have been broken, others seem to only be temporarily stopped before they start again, either on previous form, or in some newfound way, shape or form. Whilst trying to find ways to unlearn ways of thinking and harmful habits I’ve undertook various new routines and regimes to try and reduce stress and improve my outlook. So many books read, notes taken, forums joined and posted on, medical essays read, Dr’s and therapists seen - all in a bid to try and challenge negative beliefs and thought processes. Whilst my story with anxiety and depression continues to grow, retelling the same tale to each new Dr or medical professional becomes increasingly tedious. As well as acquiring knowledge and lessons from books and online I’ve always spent time researching and undertaking lifestyle changes such as exercise, diet, regular sleep patterns and working smarter in the office in a bid to reduce stress. Everything listed above feels like a sensible and proactive approach to making improvements and yet it hasn’t been as fruitful as I had hoped. I seem to approach a lot these days with a degree of distrust and impatience. I know I can’t expect quick results, and yet I often fall foul of feeling disheartened. Or with my all or nothing approach, something new can quickly become an obsession and when I inevitably burn out, I look back on it as yet another failed exploit.
Over the years of research, I encountered so many stories of people who seemed to have eureka moments. Whether this was through sobriety, exercise, diet, proper hydration, yoga or meditation – they stated that the benefits and improvements they saw were profound and utterly changed their lives. In the early years my search was rather desperate, and I began these new regimes with a somewhat unrealistic expectation. I searched with a belief in a magic pill or a certain lifestyle change which would push aside my long-standing issues with depression and anxiety. As time wore on and each new, haphazard undertaking failed to live up to expectation or provide any relief, I gradually fell into a dangerous mindset – “This is me now.”
I became convinced that stress was integrated in my life and my mindset. In doing so I fear that has allowed it to underpin my life: convinced that I am little more than my diagnosis. It’s not to say I’ve given up – I continue to challenge what affects me negatively. The problem I find is that I instinctively think one way, and then have to go out of my way to contradict myself – it all ends up feeling like a waste of time that burns me out and gets me nowhere.
Years of medication proved to me there was no magic pill and the side effects were something that unnerved me. Over a decade of substance abuse revealed I had to approach life sober if I wanted to feel less guilt and fear for the future. Years of therapy showed me that whilst good advice can help brighten my outlook – there is a baseline of negativity that I seem to default to in life. Whilst people and experiences can lift my spirits; I feel almost like a tethered balloon – my mood can only go so high, and it’s constantly being weighed down and tethered to my negativity. For years now I’ve been approaching life with an instinctively negative outlook - towards my career, my friends, my family and even strangers. Whilst instinct feels like a split-second reaction – I rapidly build up this thought or feeling with a flood of overthinking thoughts, feelings and questions. Before long I become overwhelmed. Each new experience and person I met I portray my typical social mask: shy, polite and unassuming. I’ve tricked numerous people over the years into thinking I’m a laid-back person. In reality, what seems calm on the surface is deeply unstable underneath. Much like a volcano – which may appear calm, solid and unmoving on the outside – but inside there is a constant churning of magma and the potential to have a devastating and explosive outburst. The emotion of hatred is so intense that it is highly situational for most people. There is no reason to encounter someone doing something perfectly normal and instantly criticising and despising their very existence. It could be what a stranger does, says, or how they look. It feels abnormal to be and think the way I do. Feeling so angry all the time is unnerving. I suppose it’s a logical and progressive step after years of internalising my stress. It’s gone from being caught in my own bubble of fear and worry, to being projected outward – albeit silently.
In August I’m looking to begin sessions again. These will be the 3rd lot of sessions with my current therapist. Out of the 4 I have seen over the years I feel like this one is my 2nd favourite. Ranking them feels a little obtuse, and yet I am glad I’ve found another therapist who makes me feel at ease. My first two therapists didn’t feel like a good fit for me at the time. I’m sure they have helped numerous people, but for me, it didn’t feel right. That’s not to say I learned nothing – I’m just a very particular person, and most people don’t appeal to me. When I consider a therapist, and the amount of personal information and emotions I will be sharing with them – I can’t be as open to someone I don’t feel a bond with. Unfortunately, my favourite therapist works too far from where I live to make it feasible to have regular sessions with him again. In terms of location, my current one is by far the best as she works from home and lives in the same town as me. Her house is in a nice area and is well presented. The room she works from is relaxing, with dim lighting, nicely scented and with a wall that is furnished with numerous bookcases and books, as well as very comfortable seating. I had intended to restart my sessions once things had calmed down with the lockdown. I hope by August there will be no restrictions preventing me from having a therapy session like I used to - in a room, sat less than 2 metres from my therapist.
I feel like I'm on an endless search to find ways to help myself feel better. Another never ending process seems to be my overthinking – which leads to increase in my anxiety and depression, which leads to more overthinking. I’m no stranger to vicious circles, and whilst some have been broken, others seem to only be temporarily stopped before they start again, either on previous form, or in some newfound way, shape or form. Whilst trying to find ways to unlearn ways of thinking and harmful habits I’ve undertook various new routines and regimes to try and reduce stress and improve my outlook. So many books read, notes taken, forums joined and posted on, medical essays read, Dr’s and therapists seen - all in a bid to try and challenge negative beliefs and thought processes. Whilst my story with anxiety and depression continues to grow, retelling the same tale to each new Dr or medical professional becomes increasingly tedious. As well as acquiring knowledge and lessons from books and online I’ve always spent time researching and undertaking lifestyle changes such as exercise, diet, regular sleep patterns and working smarter in the office in a bid to reduce stress. Everything listed above feels like a sensible and proactive approach to making improvements and yet it hasn’t been as fruitful as I had hoped. I seem to approach a lot these days with a degree of distrust and impatience. I know I can’t expect quick results, and yet I often fall foul of feeling disheartened. Or with my all or nothing approach, something new can quickly become an obsession and when I inevitably burn out, I look back on it as yet another failed exploit.
Over the years of research, I encountered so many stories of people who seemed to have eureka moments. Whether this was through sobriety, exercise, diet, proper hydration, yoga or meditation – they stated that the benefits and improvements they saw were profound and utterly changed their lives. In the early years my search was rather desperate, and I began these new regimes with a somewhat unrealistic expectation. I searched with a belief in a magic pill or a certain lifestyle change which would push aside my long-standing issues with depression and anxiety. As time wore on and each new, haphazard undertaking failed to live up to expectation or provide any relief, I gradually fell into a dangerous mindset – “This is me now.”
I became convinced that stress was integrated in my life and my mindset. In doing so I fear that has allowed it to underpin my life: convinced that I am little more than my diagnosis. It’s not to say I’ve given up – I continue to challenge what affects me negatively. The problem I find is that I instinctively think one way, and then have to go out of my way to contradict myself – it all ends up feeling like a waste of time that burns me out and gets me nowhere.
Years of medication proved to me there was no magic pill and the side effects were something that unnerved me. Over a decade of substance abuse revealed I had to approach life sober if I wanted to feel less guilt and fear for the future. Years of therapy showed me that whilst good advice can help brighten my outlook – there is a baseline of negativity that I seem to default to in life. Whilst people and experiences can lift my spirits; I feel almost like a tethered balloon – my mood can only go so high, and it’s constantly being weighed down and tethered to my negativity. For years now I’ve been approaching life with an instinctively negative outlook - towards my career, my friends, my family and even strangers. Whilst instinct feels like a split-second reaction – I rapidly build up this thought or feeling with a flood of overthinking thoughts, feelings and questions. Before long I become overwhelmed. Each new experience and person I met I portray my typical social mask: shy, polite and unassuming. I’ve tricked numerous people over the years into thinking I’m a laid-back person. In reality, what seems calm on the surface is deeply unstable underneath. Much like a volcano – which may appear calm, solid and unmoving on the outside – but inside there is a constant churning of magma and the potential to have a devastating and explosive outburst. The emotion of hatred is so intense that it is highly situational for most people. There is no reason to encounter someone doing something perfectly normal and instantly criticising and despising their very existence. It could be what a stranger does, says, or how they look. It feels abnormal to be and think the way I do. Feeling so angry all the time is unnerving. I suppose it’s a logical and progressive step after years of internalising my stress. It’s gone from being caught in my own bubble of fear and worry, to being projected outward – albeit silently.
