Relationships

[iamlindsaythatisall]

I wasn't sure if I should make this a forum post or a blog, but here we go...

I haven't been officially diagnosed with ASD, but the one thing that makes it blatantly clear that I am not really on the 'same level' as everyone else is relationships. Past and present. Once I started on this self-discovery journey, I began replaying interactions I've had with others through the lens of potentially having ASD. Things started to... come together. From the very beginning! Interacting with others has always been a nightmare for me, and once I finally develop a relationship with someone, it usually ends with me being taken advantage of or me just losing interest, and then I just slam the door. And I mean I drop all contact in the blink of an eye. No explanation. This goes for friends and partners. I've had very few of both... I've also realized how oblivious I can be in reading situations with others - letting certain people slip through the cracks unintentionally. Realizing how rude I must've sounded... oh boy.

I could further dissect my relationships, but I shall spare you the boring details! Even though it is my STRONG instinct to give every single one... Before adding this aforementioned 'ASD lens' to my life, I often blamed myself for being in these situations. I asked what the hell was wrong with me?! But I'm starting to go easy on myself. I still have those moments where I question everything and call myself a fool for thinking this is really an issue, but I try to be mindful in those moments and attempt to forgive myself. I still have issues with relationships to this day, and I'm not sure how or if it will ever change... I may be 30, but it feels like this is only the beginning.

 

[Matthias]

Some of the stuff you wrote sounds like you may have difficulty with emotions. While you may have ASD, difficulty with relationships can also occur as a result of emotional neglect. Since emotions play such a huge role in relationships, people whose parents didn't spend enough time helping them with their emotions often have difficulty understanding people and feel like they are different from other people because of it.

Emotional neglect occurs when parents fail to do the following:

1. Notice that you are feeling something.
2. Make an effort to identify what you are feeling.
3. Show interest and concern about your feelings.
4. Talk with you about your feelings.

Common symptoms of emotional neglect:

• Deep discomfort or awkwardness with the expression of feelings
• A sense of being different from other people
• A tendency toward guilt and shame.
• Lack of understanding of feelings and how they work.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/.../the-harm-lingers-childhood-emotional-neglect

 

[Thinx]

Hi and welcome. Yes, I can relate to this, and I think it's an area that is typically challenging for people with autism. It's probably the central area of difficulty for many of us. I was running out of new ways to work on this in therapy by the time I came across autism and realised it was my neurology being different rather than only early emotional issues or a lack of learnable social skills that was causing this.

Although I did significantly improve my emotional wellbeing and social skills along the way. But finally, at the heart of this was a different neurology, different wiring, differences in microprocessing of communication, from neurotypical others.

 

[iamlindsaythatisall]

Some of the stuff you wrote sounds like you may have difficulty with emotions. While you may have ASD, difficulty with relationships can also occur as a result of emotional neglect. Since emotions play such a huge role in relationships, people whose parents didn't spend enough time helping them with their emotions often have difficulty understanding people and feel like they are different from other people because of it.

Emotional neglect occurs when parents fail to do the following:

1. Notice that you are feeling something.
2. Make an effort to identify what you are feeling.
3. Show interest and concern about your feelings.
4. Talk with you about your feelings.

Common symptoms of emotional neglect:

• Deep discomfort or awkwardness with the expression of feelings
• A sense of being different from other people
• A tendency toward guilt and shame.
• Lack of understanding of feelings and how they work.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/.../the-harm-lingers-childhood-emotional-neglect

I don't think my parents were emotionally neglectful. I do recall not knowing how to identify my own emotions, so that made it harder for others to also pick up on what was going on. This inevitably led to meltdowns... I never felt like they prevented me from having emotions by neglecting them, I just didn't know how to have and handle my own emotions. Let alone communicate said emotions. Hopefully that makes sense.

 

[Matthias]

I don't think my parents were emotionally neglectful. I do recall not knowing how to identify my own emotions, so that made it harder for others to also pick up on what was going on. This inevitably led to meltdowns... I never felt like they prevented me from having emotions by neglecting them, I just didn't know how to have and handle my own emotions. Let alone communicate said emotions. Hopefully that makes sense.

Neglect means failing to do something they should have done. Doing something they shouldn't have done (such as preventing you from expressing your emotions) would be abuse. While abuse is intentional, neglect is often unintentional. Parents who love their children may still neglect their emotional needs if they don't understand emotions very well or think emotions are not important.

Your parents should have paid attention to your facial expressions, body language, social cues, and other signals to evaluate your emotional state and help you identify what you were feeling. They should have talked to you about your emotions, taught you what causes emotions, how to regulate your emotions, and communicate what you were feeling. If your parents did not do that, it's considered emotional neglect. It doesn't mean they were "bad" parents. It means some of your difficulties with people may be caused by difficulty understanding emotions. The good news is that, unlike genetic conditions, it is treatable. There are plenty of books and websites you can read to learn about emotions and improve your emotional intelligence. Of course, it's possible to have autistic traits and difficulty with relationships due to more than one reason such as ASD and emotional neglect.

 

[watersprite]

Welcome @iamlindsaythatisall

 

[iamlindsaythatisall]

Neglect means failing to do something they should have done. Doing something they shouldn't have done (such as preventing you from expressing your emotions) would be abuse. While abuse is intentional, neglect is often unintentional. Parents who love their children may still neglect their emotional needs if they don't understand emotions very well or think emotions are not important.

Your parents should have paid attention to your facial expressions, body language, social cues, and other signals to evaluate your emotional state and help you identify what you were feeling. They should have talked to you about your emotions, taught you what causes emotions, how to regulate your emotions, and communicate what you were feeling. If your parents did not do that, it's considered emotional neglect. It doesn't mean they were "bad" parents. It means some of your difficulties with people may be caused by difficulty understanding emotions. The good news is that, unlike genetic conditions, it is treatable. There are plenty of books and websites you can read to learn about emotions and improve your emotional intelligence. Of course, it's possible to have autistic traits and difficulty with relationships due to more than one reason such as ASD and emotional neglect.

You definitely have a point... thinking back on it now.

 

[iamlindsaythatisall]

Welcome @iamlindsaythatisall

o/

 

[Jordy]

hello

 

[iamlindsaythatisall]

hello

o/

 

[Suzette]

Hello @iamlindsaythatisall,

You are not alone in your breakup methods! How do you breakup a friendship if you can't articulate why you are doing it? I totally understand that!

Your difficulties can not be fixed in a single post but stick around. There are many, many, posts from other members regarding relationship issues. You might start by reading some of these as the answers might be a good starting place.

Welcome.