relationships

[anon2621]

Even though I have Aspergers I can say that I have been in a couple "long" term relationships. However I ended both for different reasons. The first boyfriend I had was very insecure and extremely immature despite being five years older me. I broke up with him during my first semester of my freshman year of college because I didn't want to put up with his negativity during my stay. I also suspect he might have Aspergers as well. The second guy I dated lasted for almost two years and though I shared things in common with him we both became heavy pot users. Though I have a neutral stance on marijuana I felt that the habit was becoming unhealthy. He also had questionable behavior and also started taking psychedelics quite frequently. I eventually dumped him too.

To say the least, I've had pretty bad luck with guys. While I believe i'm capable of finding and holding a relationship, they have been with very unhealthy men. I'm still young (22 years old) but I would like to find a meaningful relationship. I feel like having Aspergers makes dating a lot harder too since I'm bad at reading social cues. Its hard to tell if someone is being genuine or not and I fear the idea of being used. My relationship expectations are also kind of rigid if not, unrealistic. For example, since I don't have the need for many social relationships, I want a partner who could fit the role as friend and boyfriend. I figured that dating another aspie would make that work.

I'm honestly very scared to date NT guys. In fact, I find myself attracted to more unique and unconventional men rather than your typical NT. I wonder if these limitations are keeping me from being open to love though... But I'd really like a relationship that would work. I don't want to feel the need to explain my idiosyncrasies to anyone. As it is, my own family doesn't quite understand me, even though they care a lot about me.

Right now I'm talking to a potential romantic interest who also happens to be an aspie. In fact we have a lot of things in common. I really hope it goes well and I really don't want anything to be rushed.

Anyways I'd like to ask,

What are your experiences with dating?

Would you rather date an NT or an Aspie?

What kind of individuals do you attract, and have they had genuine intentions?

 

[RidingDutchman]

I am currently in a 1.5 year relationship so some experience at least.

Before this i dated a girl with classical autism for 2 months which had it's troubling implications.

Not to be rude to anyone over here but I tend to struggle more when having to be with an autistic person as I do when having to be with an NT. I have a very good (expected) Asperger friend, and even though most of the time it clicks very well, some times the dual sides rigid thinking and lack of social skills from both sides causes some very unnecessary friction. So I stand kinda neutral on the aspie x aspie thing, your mileage may vary.

Personally I keep my relationship incredibly open. I tell everything and ask everything, might not always be easy but it saves a lot of stress. If you're scared about being used because of a lack of social skills, a tip I have seen come by a lot of times on here is to take a friend along to meet him (like a double date or a friendly meetup or whatever) preferably a friend with really high social skills if you have any like that, so they might be able to give their opinion on it.

Hope this was of any use, good luck at least

 

[Maelstrom]

"BirdJewelz,
Anyways I'd like to ask,

What are your experiences with dating?

Would you rather date an NT or an Aspie?

What kind of individuals do you attract, and have they had genuine intentions?

Hi BirdJewelz ,I'm sorry you've had a rough time of it, my last relationship just about finished me off too. I haven't faired all that well, but I haven't dated much either over the years. I had 3 major relationships one lasted 2 years the last one 6 months and we were friends for 2 years before that it ended very badly mostly because of family mental health issues. In all of them the girls were very aggressive in pursuing me and they didn't turn out to be very good...for lack of a better term.

I don't know what to say on the aspie verses NT thing my last girlfriend I almost married did the most damage of all, and showed the least mercy on my auti/aspie stuff, and she had things that may put her solidly in the autistic class. I think in the end that a kind heart, and willingness to work through things and not just make demands, may mean more than Aspie or NT.

I think RidingDutchman 's advice on using a socially adept friend to help read a new love, is very good, and I may follow it my self in the future. If I had gone to my best friend more I would have hopefully saved my self from some suffering, or not, love can make one blind and stupid.

Anyways good luck BirdJewelz ....Mael

 

[Ravkrat]

What are your experiences with dating?
heh, eh the first time I 'tried' to ask a girl(we were both young) out she just chuckled and said she wanted a 'real man'
fast forward a few years and I started a relationship that lasted four years, it was honestly a pretty good relationship.. though looking back on it I was blind to a few things.

Would you rather date an NT or an Aspie?
at this point, I've just decided to step away from the dating scene and focus on getting my life 'ironed'-out

What kind of individuals do you attract, and have they had genuine intentions?
...
I could share a small story about this but eh i'll keep it for later

 

[Beverly]

I've had my share of LTRs. Last one was good until a professional conflict of interest forced me to choose career and passions over my husband. So be it, I'm not sacrificing my career nor passions for any man.

Dating, I don't do too badly. Maybe a bit too well. I've already got three chasing now that I'm soon to be single again, one a bit older than me, one young enough to be my son and, one close to my age. That's the ones that are openly pursuing me, how many are still keeping it to themselves, I don't know but, I can guess at least four others. Only one of the "herd" is an Aspie, the young one. Of the three, the young one is genuine for sure, the old one - strictly a career move - needs a trophy, the one my age, mix of both, he cares but, a trophy American partner would also do wonders for his image.

The others, well, I'll wait for them to come out of hiding. I envy those of you that don't have to wonder if they are really interesting you as a person or, if you are just a smart publicity move for them - so much simpler when careers and public images aren't on the line.

 

[Maelstrom]

Some good news my ex-girlfriend finally escaped her messed up step Mom. They all had a huge fight at their church, I don't know what it was about but she came down the stairs crying. Anyways she signed up for a mission trip to get away from the evil family situation.
I'm so happy for her, this may finally get her life back on track and her away from her evil family situation. I hope her trip goes well for her and she learns to be stronger on dealing with people. so her family can't use and abuse her so much. I don't know if the step Mom stole her baby off her I hope she took him with her. If I was her I wouldn't even give my phone number or real address to that family, contact through third parties only. That Step Mom will say or do almost any evil thing to get control of her baby, that includes false legal charges, (Am not joking on that, I know she has tried to do it to before), that woman is just plain scary!

If you are still Hacking me my best wishes to you on your mission trip... God be with you!

 

[Maelstrom]

"Beverly, post: 257274, member: 13595"]I've had my share of LTRs. Last one was good until a professional conflict of interest forced me to choose career and passions over my husband. So be it, I'm not sacrificing my career nor passions for any man.

Dating, I don't do too badly. Maybe a bit too well. I've already got three chasing now that I'm soon to be single again, one a bit older than me, one young enough to be my son and, one close to my age. That's the ones that are openly pursuing me, how many are still keeping it to themselves, I don't know but, I can guess at least four others. Only one of the "herd" is an Aspie, the young one. Of the three, the young one is genuine for sure, the old one - strictly a career move - needs a trophy, the one my age, mix of both, he cares but, a trophy American partner would also do wonders for his image.

The others, well, I'll wait for them to come out of hiding. I envy those of you that don't have to wonder if they are really interesting you as a person or, if you are just a smart publicity move for them - so much simpler when careers and public images aren't on the line.

Good luck Beverly ,I hope you pick a kind one with a good heart...best wishes Mael

 

[vanillabuzz]

I was looking to start a thread regarding asexual, aromantic Aspies but I figured I could answer here with my own view of things and see if anyone relates.

What are your experiences with dating?
I have never dated anyone. Ever.

Would you rather date an NT or an Aspie?
Neither.

What kind of individuals do you attract, and have they had genuine intentions?
I can't really answer this because I run away from them and usually don't get to truly know them. I find men cute but I only like platonic crushes, men who I'm likely to never even meet in my life, and if I did meet them it's not likely we would have a relationship. I probably would run away if the opportunity presented itself, anyway.

Are there any Aspies like this out there? Up until I joined AC I realized Aspies are also into romantic relationships, which is just so bizarre to me because I would rather be immersed in my 'obsessions' and be a homebody than date someone. I'm 34 and I have never wanted to date anybody, and I really don't see me dating anyone, ever. Everyone seems invested in finding a relationship and I just don't understand it. I guess my brain is just not wired that way.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I was looking to start a thread regarding asexual, aromantic Aspies but I figured I could answer here with my own view of things and see if anyone relates.

What are your experiences with dating?
I have never dated anyone. Ever.

Would you rather date an NT or an Aspie?
Neither.

What kind of individuals do you attract, and have they had genuine intentions?
I can't really answer this because I run away from them and usually don't get to truly know them. I find men cute but I only like platonic crushes, men who I'm likely to never even meet in my life, and if I did meet them it's not likely we would have a relationship. I probably would run away if the opportunity presented itself, anyway.

Are there any Aspies like this out there? Up until I joined AC I realized Aspies are also into romantic relationships, which is just so bizarre to me because I would rather be immersed in my 'obsessions' and be a homebody than date someone. I'm 34 and I have never wanted to date anybody, and I really don't see me dating anyone, ever. Everyone seems invested in finding a relationship and I just don't understand it. I guess my brain is just not wired that way.

There are Aspies like this, including on this site. (I'm not going to name any names, so that if anyone talks about them, they themselves can be the ones to do so.)
I'm almost like that. Sort of, like that, in fact. There was ONE guy I was interested in, both in terms of affection, in terms of romance, and even also in terms of sexuality, but I never let things reach actual sexual relations. Other than him, I've been 100% uninterested in men in regards to sex. I've also had (platonic) romantic feelings for one man besides the one I just mentioned. Other than the two of them, I'm uninterested in people in regards to romance. As for non-romantic friendship? I like the idea of it, but when it comes to actual concrete human persons, I usually don't want to actually be friends with them. (I'm 30 years old, if you want to put this into the perspective of the story of my life).

 

[Beverly]

I've got a couple of non sexual romances, we flirt, joke (risqué jokes) cuddle, whatever but no sex. I love them and they love me, and happen to be friends with one another as well, just good friends that maybe are a bit more but will never be partners. That's cool with me for now.

 

[DC1346]

What are your experiences with dating?

I have been engaged twice but ended both engagements because my fiances had an addiction. In 1990, my first fiance was a closet alcoholic who refused to admit that she had a problem. In 2014, my 2nd fiance was addicted to on-line gaming. She played Realms of Empire so much so that she was in danger of losing her job as a sous chef since she wasn't supposed to be on her phone at work. She also played on date nights ... at movie theaters or restaurants ... while hiking through Red Rock Canyon and when she lost a signal she made me take her home so she could resume playing ... (sigh)

I have dated off and on ... mostly off ... and these days I don't even bother with that. Having embraced my reclusive tendencies, I no longer have any interest in dating at all all.

Would you rather date an NT or an Aspie?

I don't know. It isn't relevant. See preceding comment.

What kind of individuals do you attract, and have they had genuine intentions?

One of my last dates told me that I had a white knight syndrome. Dysfunctional women are attracted to me because I'm a problem solver and although I'm a teacher, I'm also moderately well off financially. The theory behind white knights is that in trying to help a significant other who's dysfunctional, we try to help ourselves and of course, that will never work if we ourselves have problems that hinder our ability to develop close intimate relationships.

I've been used and discarded so many times that it was a huge relief when I finally decided to give up on relationships. Believe it or not, I'm quite content. My bank account is also much better off.

 

[Ste11aeres]

What are your experiences with dating? Briefly tried it, hated it, stopped it.

Would you rather date an NT or an Aspie? Depends on the individual. During my life, I've been genuinely attracted to one Aspie and one NT.

What kind of individuals do you attract, and have they had genuine intentions?
Hmmm....When I was younger and rode public transit, I used to attract seedy strangers who were about 30 years older than me. Lots of them. That was quite uncomfortable. Genuine intentions? Probably not.

I once went on a few dates with someone-a really great person who was serious about me. We had the same values, too. But I couldn't feel it for him. He had ADD, and, sadly, every person I've known in real life with ADD has gotten on my nerves, (I wish it were otherwise, but they annoy me and I can't help it), and he was no exception.

In recent years, I attracted someone who was intelligent, took care of himself, hard-working but somewhat impoverished, responsible, kind and sensitive to others, extremely emotionally intelligent, but in a way that allowed him to understand everyone (including my aspie self) while few people understood him...and he was unique in a way that I can't quite describe.
However, while he was attracted to me, it was not in a strong enough way for him to try to actually date me or for him to try for an actual relationship with me.

Someone else might have been attracted to me-it's hard to tell. He would have been perfect, but it was actually a medical type relationship, (and he was already in a relationship with someone else) and there are some boundaries that can't be crossed.

The last two persons were probably the only intelligent person who's been attracted to me. I'm only able to feel attracted to intelligent people. I think that non-intelligent persons are worth just as much as the intelligent ones-I just can't feel anything for them.

 

[Maelstrom]

I'm only able to feel attracted to intelligent people. I think that non-intelligent persons are worth just as much as the intelligent ones-I just can't feel anything for them.

Hi Ste11aeres ,I'm inclined to agree with you on the intelligent thing all tho I tend make allowances on being loving and warm. On the one hand I don't see how being ignored by a very intelligent person does much for me. But I also cringe when I get that blank, (I don't wish to know anything new about the world), look. It would be nice to find a warm loving person who also loves to learn new things, I'm not sure such a person exists. Given no choices other than, (warm and stupid), or, (smart and cold), I think a, (warm and stupid), person would be more pleasant to live with. My best friend seems to love to learn and is very warm and friendly...I wish I could find a lady like that..but they may all be taken at my age unless I find a widow.

Sigh! none of this matters now. Am headed for rough country my gamble failed...only time will tell how bad the backlash will be.

 

[SenorDomino]

What are your experiences with dating?
Two very dysfunctional relationships. One I loved and she loved me back but due to complicated reasons it ended, the other I think I was with only because I was extremely lonely and depressed at the time and she ended up cheating on me.

Would you rather date an NT or an Aspie?
Aspie. NT sounds so boring.

What kind of individuals do you attract, and have they had genuine intentions?
All kinds, but I prefer the "weirder" ones. One of the two I was with had genuine intentions, yes, and I towards her. The other.. We were both depressed and in very, very dark places at the time, I think we only clinged to each other for the company.