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Starryeyes18

New Member
Hi, I've just joined this site out of desperation to understand more about how you lovely aspie's deal with relationships. My husband and I have been together 9 years, we are married and have a 15 month son and another baby on the way.

Things have been difficult since our son arrived and he has regular (2/3 monthly) meltdowns when he has to leave the house, but usually throws something or hits or kicks something before he goes (never me or son).

Our marriage and family feels as though its completely ruined and hes now moved out to his dads to live for sometime apart. He wants sometime to focus on himself and the children and wants us to be friends and see if our 'spark comes back'. Whilst I think time apart will do us good, we both keep breaking down in tears whenever we see each-other and I can see in his eyes and feel in his hugs that he still loves me very much and does not want things to be over.

I'm currently feeling very scared that he hasn't thought to contact me for 2 days. I'm thinking how can we be friends and rebuild our marriage if he doesn't even think to talk to me? I'm so scared of loosing him, I just want to help and understand more.
 
If he needs some time to focus on himself, you need to give him that time and space. He's made it clear he loves you so likely you need not worry about losing him UNLESS you are unable to give him the time and space he needs to sort things out. You won't get anywhere trying to rebuild your marriage with him if he's not ready and in that place, so give him what he's asked for.
 
Hi, I've just joined this site out of desperation to understand more about how you lovely aspie's deal with relationships. My husband and I have been together 9 years, we are married and have a 15 month son and another baby on the way.

Things have been difficult since our son arrived and he has regular (2/3 monthly) meltdowns when he has to leave the house, but usually throws something or hits or kicks something before he goes (never me or son).

Our marriage and family feels as though its completely ruined and hes now moved out to his dads to live for sometime apart. He wants sometime to focus on himself and the children and wants us to be friends and see if our 'spark comes back'. Whilst I think time apart will do us good, we both keep breaking down in tears whenever we see each-other and I can see in his eyes and feel in his hugs that he still loves me very much and does not want things to be over.

I'm currently feeling very scared that he hasn't thought to contact me for 2 days. I'm thinking how can we be friends and rebuild our marriage if he doesn't even think to talk to me? I'm so scared of loosing him, I just want to help and understand more.

ASD is something that makes us often look so selfish... Its not what it seems I promise.
Please try and stay in touch with him, but please give him the time and space to work things out.
Keep it simple, and as awful as this is going to sound, please don't expect him to be what he might not can be.

I live this everyday, it sucks, and all that it would take is for someone to understand the mechanics of ASD and quit bashing me for being so damn weird... : )
 
Give him the time and space he asks for. Don't panic over a few days of quiet, he might just need that quiet to sort out everything going on in his head.
 
Hi, I've just joined this site out of desperation to understand more about how you lovely aspie's deal with relationships. My husband and I have been together 9 years, we are married and have a 15 month son and another baby on the way.

Things have been difficult since our son arrived and he has regular (2/3 monthly) meltdowns when he has to leave the house, but usually throws something or hits or kicks something before he goes (never me or son).

Our marriage and family feels as though its completely ruined and hes now moved out to his dads to live for sometime apart. He wants sometime to focus on himself and the children and wants us to be friends and see if our 'spark comes back'. Whilst I think time apart will do us good, we both keep breaking down in tears whenever we see each-other and I can see in his eyes and feel in his hugs that he still loves me very much and does not want things to be over.

I'm currently feeling very scared that he hasn't thought to contact me for 2 days. I'm thinking how can we be friends and rebuild our marriage if he doesn't even think to talk to me? I'm so scared of loosing him, I just want to help and understand more.

Hi Starryeyes, this might sound like a silly question, but have you been able to give your husband the chance to bond with the child, and I don't mean that criticaly? The reason I ask is what you describe sounds similar to my wife and I after our first daughter. I was always made to feel like I was always in the way, everything I did was wrong, if I held the baby and she cried she would be taken straight off me. I coped with this by working longer and longer hours, then doing jobs in the evening after work and all weekend every weekend just to stay away from home where I felt unwelcome. I felt like a stranger in my own home and an outside observer watching the woman who had been my wife, turn into a mother for the daughter who cried every time she saw me or I touched her. Things eventually came to a head, and we had a furious row when my wife screamed at me "what do you want from me, I have to look after my daughter?" I said "actually, I thought she was our daughter" Then the penny dropped as they say!

If he didn't love you he would tell you, one thing we do well is truth, brutal though it may be to NTs at times. In my opinion, try to find a babysitter and go somewhere away from home, just the two of you, and talk to him, give him a chance to cherish you, make him feel involved. He's hurting, feeling rudderless, or useless, and misses you and wants you back but doesn't know how or where he fits in the new home arrangements. Everything is different now it's not just the two of you, the spark will come back but you have to work at it, don't take it for granted it needs fuel like any flame.
 
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Hi Starryeyes, this might sound like a silly question, but have you been able to give your husband the chance to bond with the child, and I don't mean that criticaly? The reason I ask is what you describe sounds similar to my wife and I after our first daughter. I was always made to feel like I was always in the way, everything I did was wrong, if I held the baby and she cried she would be taken straight off me. I coped with this by working longer and longer hours, then doing jobs in the evening after work and all weekend every weekend just to stay away from home where I felt unwelcome. I felt like a stranger in my own home and an outside observer watching the woman who had been my wife, turn into a mother for the daughter who cried every time she saw me or I touched her. Things eventually came to a head, and we had a furious row when my wife screamed at me "what do you want from me, I have to look after my daughter?" I said "actually, I thought she was our daughter" Then the penny dropped as they say!

If he didn't love you he would tell you, one thing we do well is truth, brutal though it may be to NTs at times. In my opinion, try to find a babysitter and go somewhere away from home, just the two of you, and talk to him, give him a chance to cherish you, make him feel involved. He's hurting, feeling rudderless, or useless, and misses you and wants you back but doesn't know how or where he fits in the new home arrangements. Everything is different now it's not just the two of you, the spark will come back but you have to work at it, don't take it for granted it needs fuel like any flame.

Thanks for your reply Starfire. He's really hands-on with our Son, he's a great dad, though I do often have to remind him about keeping to his routine, which I find odd because I thought he would like the routine, or is that more for himself? I do think this is something that I can take on board and allow him to feel more as though he is doing a good job, but I don't want him to feel i'm patronizing him.

He worries about money, so he says we cant afford to be able to have some time for us. He also doesn't like anyone else to care for our child because he feels that's 'our' job and nobody else's. I say to him a quiet night in with a few candles and a movie (I hate watching movies and usually fall asleep as they bore me, but I do it for him) is a cheap night and quality time. I definitely feel we need that 'us' time again. It's also exhausting as I feel I have to be the one to ask for it, otherwise it never happens. Even when I do ask its a rare occurrence.
 
@Starryeyes18 I'm glad to hear he's hands on and you think he's a good dad. As for routines, that may be more about him sticking to the routines he has created for himself, rather than a routine you have created for the ease of child care, which I absolutely agree with you is important. I believe children thrive best with routines and boundaries, not to a military degree though some flexibility is necessary.

Your next paragraph may be getting more to the heart of the matter! Aspies can be very traditional about roles. Do you think he may feel he should be shouldering the weight of family finances by himself as it is 'his duty' to be the provider, I know I did? I was regularly very stressed about money, but I never spoke to my wife about it because she took care of the majority of the child care. In my mind, she had her duty to do and I had mine. I blew money problems out of proportion in my mind, and things seemed worse than they really were until I had a stress induced meltdown. My wife would invariably say "it'll be fine we'll work it out" she would put it in proportion and she was always right, but it stop me carrying major stress and worrying. Now there is another child on the way, to him that may equate to more financial worry!

I didn't like anyone babysitting for us other than my mother or a close relative. You do however need quality time, what about a couple of hours at grandparents, aunties, etc? It also doesn't have to cost anything, what about a walk in the park, drive to a beauty spot and have a picnic, or go somewhere nice and just have coffee and a cake for a break, and a change. We used to do it on Saturday or Sunday afternoon because although I enjoy movies, if the curtains were closed and there were candles and it was warm etc, it was too womblike for me I was guaranteed to wake at 3am on the sofa freezing wondering what had happened, while my wife had the bed to herself!
 
If it helps, I find children under school age to be overwhelming. They need so much constantly shifting attention that as much as I enjoy them and get along well with them, I have limited time to be effective and comfortable with them. As a parent or even responsible adult interacting with them, I have to constantly monitor their behavior and provide feedback, all on a super-simple and highly-repetitive level that simply burns up whatever coping skills a human has at a highly increased rate.

Most people find toddlers exhausting. Now square that level by multiplying the stresses by three, and you might get a sense of how it might be for your husband.

As an example, most dogs love toddler romping and yelling and racing around and manhandling each other. They shrug off the unpredictability and noise. While this is exactly what cats dislike about toddlers; the constant jolts to their reactions is not something their nervous system is made for, while dogs, who run in packs with constant input from their peers, roll with it.

I'm more of a "cat" style. Following a child around, constantly distracting them and coming up with the right things to say about their input and questions, and repeating "don't lick the light sockets" every few minutes; that is just burn-out waiting to happen.

Maybe that is what is going here, and anticipating twice as much, now? With the coming baby? I think that is what you need to discuss. Fear of being accused of "not loving" his children might keep him from bringing it up, but it's a very real and non-negotiable thing.

There's many accounts of Aspie moms not realizing the special stresses of this age; and once they got through it, they enjoy having a calmer, more reasoning, human to deal with. Every parent tends to have an age they find easier to cope with. This pre-school stage might be the problem and if so, there are ways of dealing with it; once you recognize it.
 
There are a lot of NTs on this sight looking for insights into aspie behaviour. I find this so heart warming, to go to so much effort to seek understanding when I know we must come across as cold. It really gives me hope.

So, let's see. I'm 42, aspie, and have 2 boys. I struggled like your husband and had a meltdown every 2-3 months and really wanted to run, but I was breast feeding and I also had a lot of mum hormones that made it impossible for me to leave my babies.

So how did I get through it? Well it was hard for me because of sensory overload. I take in a lot of information, everything, I'm sensitive to small things. I'll notice which branch the red robin favors and the shape of the clouds in the morning. I then process this information into patterns and observe that 'winter is early this year'. But in order to sort through everything, I need to be alone, and quiet and not to get interrupted. I hyperfocus, if I am doing something then it will be to the exclusion of all else, which includes eating.

Now babies can be very disruptive of that mind set, it felt like I wasn't achieving anything because I kept getting interrupted. It felt like I couldn't think because I hadn't processed all these details. I felt trapped and very stressed. Except I can't process emotions easily and so 2 months of repression just exploded.

So I had to learn to work with it. I negotiated every Saturday off, to go off on my own to the forest. I had 1 weekend every 6 months to just go away on a city break on my own. And I had a half hour every morning to quietly drink a coffee interrupted.

When I am with the children, I am WITH the children, we will go to museums or legoland or do something super fun. I can't just sit with them or watch their TV shows.

So my husband and I worked out the balance. But equally, don't allow aspergers to be an excuse. Him moving out (sorry, but in my personal opinion) is a very selfish thing to do. This isn't aspergers, this is him running away. But he is very lucky to have someone like you who is seeking to understand the condition and because of this, stands every chance of finding the balance. But to manage your expectations, it took my husband and I years to figure all of this out! My meltdowns and need to run away were absolutely nothing to do with him and I loved him dearly. Fortunately he realised that. But we did spend a lot of time working through our problems, firstly working out that I had aspergers! Then working out my triggers, how much time I needed alone and how to make sure I didn't withdraw from the kids. But we've made it now and I know you will too :kissingheart:
 

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