Relationship junk

[GBWest]

If I've not had a date or lost my virginity by 40, should I just go die some where?

Seriously. I can't stand it anymore.

 

[maycontainthunder]

Losing your virginity does not automatically solve everything. I'm closing on 42 and still a virgin.

Am I bothered by this? No.

Would I like an asexual female companion? I'm unsure. More thought is needed.

 

[Primrose]

At 40 you still have plenty of time to go on dates and lose your virginity - if that's what you want.

 

[Slim Jim]

Isn't what it's cracked up to be, there usually a lot of drama that comes with it. (Especial if they have exes.... who are voilent.....trust me you dont want that in your life..)

There is a certain peace of mind, freedom, that comes from being an autonomous entity with no attachments to anything. Of course you only realize things, after it's gone. In hindsight. (I have a tendency to idealize the past though...)

 

[GBWest]

Actually, it would solve most problems. And if you're asexual, why post...

Time is limited.

Must be nice to take stuff for granted.

 

[Slim Jim]

Actually, it would solve most problems.

As if....life is more complicated than that. Becoming a Millionaire, overnight, probably wouldn't solve all my problems. Personal problems. Psychological problems.

Problems don't just go away...especially if you're broken inside, in some way...which most here seem to be...myself no exception...It's a common motif...across the entire net...I've noticed. That seems to be intrinsic to anyone with any kind of ASD.

Spoiler

Anyway whats stopping you from meeting somebody? is it; no social skills, ugly, disabled, homeless, dirt poor ? comorbidity that are severe, (unstable personality) what exactly ? no theory of mind (inability to relate on human level to another person!) what exactly is it....lets get to the bottom of this... then maybe you can solve your problems.

 

[GBWest]

I guess my life isn't as complicated as others.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

If it is merely lustful sex you want, get yourself to Bangkok, get a hotel near Sukhumvit Soi 4 and go to Nana plaza. It is essentially a shopping mall for hookers. Or order one from Smooci. Bring your own condoms as I have heard the industrial-grade used by those hookers are quite uncomfortable.

But, seriously, what have you done to make yourself an interesting person? And, how have you been engaging socially where you may meet somebody with common interests? All it takes is one accepting woman.

People here have heard my tale before. A virgin at 28, I had to rebuild myself from social and sexual isolation, learning to like myself and openly enjoying my interests. I met my spouse as we carpooled to a Sierra Club trail maintenance trip. We became friends first and by that time I was willing to let somebody through my emotional and physical boundaries. Still, I was so anxious My mind nearly sabotaged me. 44 years later we are still having adventures.

Do things that bring you joy. Be active and my hope is that you will meet an accepting woman.

 

[GBWest]

I really wish I could say what I think.

 

[Aspychata]

I really wish I could say what I think.

Say it in vague terms. Sometimes that works. Like instead of hey l need to quit being a virgin, say I am hoping for romantic involvement. Word package wrapped up with NT language. Lol

 

[Slim Jim]

I really wish I could say what I think.

Nothing is stopping you.

 

[GBWest]

I'm not allowed to say what I think.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I'm not allowed to say what I think.

You can say what you think, but I'd caution about denigrating women as they are probably not the source of your issues. Late virgins [I was one, but not as late as you] frequently develop unhealthy body image and self concept issues and while hard, rewriting your inner dialogue to be positive is doable. I recommend reading two things (or even the whole book) Inside The Mind Of Guys Who Are Shy And Inexperienced With Women | www.succeedsocially.com and Problems Facing Women Who Are Shy And Inexperienced With Men | www.succeedsocially.com. One passage really spoke to me: Some shy women have had the unfortunate experience of being targeted by predatory, manipulative men who think they'll be easier to take advantage of. Not being approached by anyone who's their type is a particular problem for shy women who are into guys who are more quirky, sensitive, or intellectual, since those types of men tend not to be very forward themselves.

Are the women that the passage describes, who would be open to somebody like you, merely background noise in your world? I met somebody like that and I am happy that I did.

 

[GBWest]

A lot of odd assumptions there.

There's no one in my "world." Thus, no one to even be background noise.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

A lot of odd assumptions there.

There's no one in my "world." Thus, no one to even be background noise.

As you go through life, be observant. I miss a lot of social communication, but when I had to dig deep there are instances of girls/women trying to make a connection when I thought I was isolated. Are you taking part in groups centered around your interests. I belonged to a Sierra Club outings group where I practiced socializing and meeting people. It helped me significantly. Now, in groups I like being useful and enjoy helping people. My spouse and I organize bicycling and paddling trips and we ensure that all are welcome and have a good time. My last surprise came a couple of years back when I was on a trip to Morocco with geologists and interested amateurs. I had a great time helping people in the field, identifying their finds. At the last meal with the group, I gave out specimens from my area to everybody as I do on trips like that. I was nonplussed when a woman got up and with tears in her eyes hugged me, saying that she was hoping to meet a nice person like me. And I used to think that women never noticed me.

 

[grommet]

If I've not had a date or lost my virginity by 40, should I just go die some where?

Seriously. I can't stand it anymore.

I was 42 when I finally had a girlfriend. We were together for eight years. We had sex and there was a lot of happiness, so many good times. One Thanksgiving we spent together was perfect. We did lots of things. All my life I wanted a girlfriend and I wondered about so many things. Maybe it was chance that we met and if I had not met her I would never have had one.

I can not know what you should do but if you want a partner I hope you get lucky and one comes.

 

[grommet]

Isn't what it's cracked up to be, there usually a lot of drama that comes with it. (Especial if they have exes.... who are voilent.....trust me you dont want that in your life..)

There is a certain peace of mind, freedom, that comes from being an autonomous entity with no attachments to anything. Of course you only realize things, after it's gone. In hindsight. (I have a tendency to idealize the past though...)

I agree with this. Being with someone was very difficult. It is not only being happy and things being easy.

Before I had a girlfriend though I could not be convinced it would not be great. Relationships are hard I think and I do not want one any more but I am extremely grateful I finally had one so I could finally know what it was like.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I was 42 when I finally had a girlfriend. We were together for eight years. We had sex and there was a lot of happiness, so many good times. One Thanksgiving we spent together was perfect. We did lots of things. All my life I wanted a girlfriend and I wondered about so many things. Maybe it was chance that we met and if I had not met her I would never have had one.

I can not know what you should do but if you want a partner I hope you get lucky and one comes.

How wonderful. I am a believer that chance favors the prepared. I believe that when my spouse and I met it was the red string of fate. I was still recovering from isolation, a virgin at 28, not feeling like a normal man and learning how to recognize an accepting person with common values and compatible interests, she was tired of feeling used by men when she was hoping for a relationship and wanted to meet somebody to enjoy the outdoors with. We fell for each other on an intense 4 day road trip to a trail maintenance project. My anxiety about intimacy disappeared that fourth day and her pleasure was so important to me that she felt that I was nothing like the other selfish man-children. We were both prepared to take advantage of the chance that brought us together.

 

[Aspychata]

I am an introvert. My mom thought l would never marry. It's amazing l meet anyone. Can't change who l am. Maybe men here can realize some woman are more shy than you are, we are just better at masking.

 

[grommet]

I am an introvert. My mom thought l would never marry. It's amazing l meet anyone. Can't change who l am. Maybe men here can realize some woman are more shy than you are, we are just better at masking.

The ex-girlfriend I have been speaking of would not make eye-contact or speak much to anyone. We met through a group and after the meeting I would ask if she was coming to lunch with us. She always said no. I asked each time after a monthly meeting for three months. She always said no and would not look up or say anything else.

During the meetings she would say such interesting things that I contacted her by sending a message to her group contact and she messaged back. We talked a little until she gave me her email and that is how we started to know each other personally.

I do not know how she changed so much but in the time I knew her she went from not looking up or speaking to wearing nice clothes, looking at everyone and saying anything that was on her mind. She had lots of energy and was very confident. Maybe that is who she always was or could be if she had the chance to socialize and us dating did that.

I did not care that she was shy, I loved what how she thought. That is what made me like her.

We could not stay together, it did not turn out well but I guess we both grew a lot and got relationship questions answered by being with each other.