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Relationship Issues

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by Elizabeth97, Aug 13, 2015.

  1. Elizabeth97

    Elizabeth97 Member

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    Hi, I'm Elizabeth. I have had diagnosed with Asperger's since i was 4. Anyways, what I wanted to talk about was an issue I have had in the past and wondered if you could help me with. Whenever I get into a relationship for a while, I break up with them. I feel like I make up things just so I will feel at ease. But in the end I hurt myself. Recently I broke up with someone I really cared for and I think even love. I was so stupid to do it. I beat myself up about it. I am just so thankful that maybe in the future, he may give me another chance. But what I don't get is why do i do this? Does anybody else have this issue? How do I stop it?
     
  2. RidingDutchman

    RidingDutchman Well-Known Member

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    I would love to give you advice, but considering you didn't stare why exactly you broke up with this person I can't really give much more as basic advice.

    First, what I feel that works best is to keep things open, tell anything you feel and think to the other, if you get doubts for whatever reason, talk about them.

    If you're scared of commitment, try to think why. What makes you want to break up and, is this really the way it is? (Example, a girl I know broke up with her boyfriend (both were friends of mine) because she thought she was annoying and he was just with her because he would feel bad for dumping her. He was devastated about this, I had to break a friendship trust to tell him why she broke up because she gave him some vague excuse. Long story short they are back together now)

    If you get confused by your own brain, which happens for me a lot, try to make a list of all your thoughts. Write down the reasons to break up and write with them why you believe these are good reasons or why you think these reasons make no sense, it might make for a much more thought out action, instead of an emotionally laden, rushed response.

    I hope anything here resonates with you and that it might help, good luck at least and never be afraid to ask questions
     
  3. Elizabeth97

    Elizabeth97 Member

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    Thanks so much for your reply. I am just hoping I can get a second chance with him. He means a lot to me.
     
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  4. Nadador

    Nadador Against the current

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    Welcome to AC, Elizabeth. Good to have you aboard. :)

    I see from your profile that you're quite young. It's not hard to imagine why you would have difficulty interpreting some of your own behaviour in relationships, at this early stage of your romantic career, so do be kind to yourself for your confusion. I'm nearly sixty, and I still haven't completely sorted out some of my patterns when infatuated, or in love. I've actually been wrestling with a bit of that this very week, so I can sympathise.

    So, then. Riding Dutchman makes a good point that you haven't given us very much to work with by your OP, but I would hazard a guess that you could:

    (1.) Be concerned that your beloved might have second thoughts as time goes on, and could reject you, so you're dropping the axe first as a defence against that possibility.

    ...or...

    (2.) Be concerned that you may not be able to live up to what a partner expects of you, and so you panic as you feel a gradual deepening of feeling and responsibility.

    Do either or both of these ring true? If so, perhaps you now have a starting point for further consideration. We can't properly answer the question, "How do I stop it?" until we're more certain of what exactly it is you're dealing with.

    I hope you will find AC a helpful and pleasant place to spend your time!
     
  5. Aspergirl4hire

    Aspergirl4hire Mage, Sage, Revolutionary

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    Hi Elizabeth, welcome to AC.

    "I feel like I make up things just so I will feel at ease." When, where, and to whom? (You don't owe any public answer to anyone, but these would pry apart that sentence and start looking at whether you really are self-destructing, and what makes you ill-at-ease.) Give it some thought, and use what's useful, throw out the rest.

    -A4H
     
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  6. ancusmitis

    ancusmitis Well-Known Member

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    I had sort of the same thing when I dated. All three times I was definitely in a relationship with someone, my main thought was, "How am I going to get out of this?" which I put down as far as I could. Granted, those were straight relationships, and I am not straight, but I didn't really figure that out until just a couple years ago.
     
  7. ancusmitis

    ancusmitis Well-Known Member

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    I also had friends in those days who weren't entirely trustworthy, but to really accept that I was so suspicious of them would mean losing my friends. Looking back, I now realise that many of the conclusions I drew were totally wrong, but I did not believe those things for no reason at all. If they had been people that I trusted in the first place--people that I could trust--then I would never have wound up so far off the mark. Still, I forced these feelings down inside myself and drowned them in a bathtub, but their rotting, stinking corpses still floated to the surface. I became a lot angrier and more jealous than I would have if I had just expressed myself, and maybe ditched one or two of those guys because let's be honest, some of them were real jerks.
     
  8. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member

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    Hi Elizabeth

    I am not professionally diagnosed, but I can tell you, I know EXACTLY how you feel, because I fell in love at 18 and it was PAINFUL. I was confused by all those strange emotions.

    I am now 45 and still struggle, but life has taught me a few things and what I can tell you is that you are trying to: justify in your own mind, reasons you broke up, which even nt's do!

    Does your ex know you are an aspie? It would go a long way to help if he did, because then it will make things easier to explain to him why you broke up.

    Feeling such strong emotions for another, is a most awful feeling for an aspie. One aspie on here said she is with a man who does not give her butterflies and much prefers that and I can really see where she is coming from! Those intense feelings are scary as heck for us and causes much bewilderment. But as another aspie said: write down your thoughts, because I tell you, really helps to unravel the brain.

    Do hope you get back together!