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Relationship issues with Aspergers

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by PupRover123, Sep 12, 2019.

  1. PupRover123

    PupRover123 New Member

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    So a little back story. I’ve always been kinda different. Never had friends. Super artistic. Intelligent. Socially awkward. Never really thought anything was wrong. I started dating a kid with Aspergers for a short period and after we broke up he asked me if I had it. That shocked me. Never in my life I thought that. And then everything clicked.

    Fast forward now. Ive been with my fiancé for almost 2 years now and things have been really rocky. Every aspect except our sex life has been fine but sex is such an important part of who he is as a person and m not sure what to do. At first it was normal. Fun. Enjoyable. I didn’t mind touching. Then he did it ALL the time. And then like I started getting turned off by his touch. And it’s hard to pinpoint the reason because he is kind of a sexually aggressive person. Lots of his touching is sexual in nature, and other types seem to be very hard to come by. I don’t mind cuddling but the moment sexual touching comes of it I freeze because of the expectations and the touching genuinely makes me uncomfortable. And it’s gotten so bad that we can’t cuddle without it and he says it’s because of me that he touches me like that so much. And throughout our relationship a lot of those boundaries were ignored so I’m not sure if the panic comes from the past experiences we’ve had or because of the autism. But he’s trying to break up with me because of it and I’m trying so hard to be better and I’m not sure what to do.
     
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  2. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Go along with the break up. If it takes you a while to work on breaking habits, okay - but it will be just a matter of breaking habits. This is not someone you'll be able to trust, not someone who respects you and not someone you'll ever be comfortable with.
     
  3. Bolletje

    Bolletje Potato chip wizard V.I.P Member

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    This happened to me as well. I used to be a very sexual person, before I got together with my boyfriend. Boyfriend and me couldn’t get enough of each other at first, but over the years my libido has waned. As a result of past relationship issues and medication I started taking, my libido has tanked, while he is still incredibly attracted to me. At some point I also tried to avoid being touched at all because I was afraid he’d become aroused and it broke my heart to turn him down all the time. I didn’t even want to sleep in the same bed anymore because I was afraid cuddling would turn into sexual advances.
    We talk about it a lot. He was very frustrated at first, but he’s a lot more understanding now that it’s clear to him that I am still physically attracted to him, it’s just that I’m not into sex at all. We’ve made an agreement that cuddling is just cuddling, and if I want more, I’ll let him know. The same if he wants more, it’s optional for me to join in, instead of expected. And of course if I’m not in the mood, I don’t give him a side eye if he decides to lend himself a hand, so to speak.
    We’ve also agreed to have a date night once a week, where we cook a nice meal together, sit down at the dinner table and turn our phones off. Afterwards we engage in non-sexual physical contact, such as a massage (without expecting a happy ending) or watching a movie while snuggling up under a blanket. This brings us closer together. And occasionally the quality time and the lack of sexual expectations actually gets me in the mood to have sex after all.
    I think if I’d lost sexual interest in our first year together we wouldn’t be in a relationship now, but after six years together we’ve faced so many things that our bond is strong enough to survive my plummeted libido. Of course, boyfriend is still hoping it’ll return to what it was before, and so do I.
     
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  4. PupRover123

    PupRover123 New Member

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    The problem is after discussing this, he said that the expectations are going to be there indefinitely. He said he doesn’t want to be with me if I won’t have sex with him like once a week. And he means like full on once a week. He doesn’t understand I’m still attracted to him and says I make him feel like he’s ugly and undesirable. And he says he can’t live like this anymore and wants to leave if I can’t give him what he wants. Its basically a “have sex with me or I’m leaving” situation.
     
  5. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Ultimatums. I know a lady who's husband told her that if she wouldn't do certain things he would leave. So he left and she lived happily ever after. (No - wasn't me. But any time I was ever given an ultimatum - they were never happy with my choice. :) )
     
  6. Wolf Prince

    Wolf Prince My future job title.

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    It doesn't sound like he wants to hear anything but a yes sir from you. Your more then just your body. You are a person who like us has problems. And he doesn't want to hear about your problems. Or help you get threw them. That isnt fair to you.
     
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  7. Bolletje

    Bolletje Potato chip wizard V.I.P Member

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    Well, if he won’t be patient with you, I guess there’s no solution but to break up.
     
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  8. Aspychata

    Aspychata My Art Work

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    Can you sit down and talk about how you feel? Is there a better way to approach this? Could you pick a date nite? Do you think counseling will help? Can you ask him for certain things you enjoy by him so that you will generate new different feelings? It truly depends on you to recalibrate or approach it differently. If he cares for you, he will work it out.