So background:
My boyfriend and I have been together for 6+ years. We met online back when we were both teenagers, had a lot of interests in common. We got together and haven't looked back since.
He's from Lima, Peru; the long-distance was always a weight but a manageable one, looking forward to the time when we could live together and make a life together. We communicate well, we work through conflicts very well and rarely resort to the blaming and vindication of many relationships.
He's been to the USA several times; once as a child, twice he visited me, two weeks each during the Christmas season in two years. Another time he was doing a "test run" of living in the US with a friend of his. This has all been very good; nerve wracking but good experiences of getting to know each other in person.
For the longest time, he really wanted me to visit him in Peru; this seemed equitable to both of us for me to experience his life and where he's coming from. And I wanted to--still want to. I expressed my fears and anxieties of travelling as I've never been on a plane, never been outside of the country and rarely outside of state borders. It's difficult for me to start new things.
But my own issues don't change the fact that it's unfair to him. He begged me to come and got more and more dejected over my slowness.
Eventually I did schedule a trip for this last March.....and then the pandemic happened. My trip was cancelled (I still have the plane credit towards a future trip) and we're in limbo again.
Today, I had a long and hard conversation with my boyfriend about this. He said that even though he knew it was probably an unfair conclusion, he didn't feel like getting his hopes up for me to ever follow through on promises or stability in this way. In his words, by the time the borders opened again, I would be settled in my apartment and he would be moving up to start the greencard process anyway, end of story. He feels hurt, disappointed in me, and hopeless that he's going to have to conform to my life without me giving anything back. When I try to express that I still very much want to visit him once the borders open again--I still have the plane credit--he shies away from it. And very reasonably so; he's been disappointed for a long long time by my empty promises that even a future chance of me following through is too much for him to put energy into.
He's not ending anything, he's not even saying to break things off. But he's expressed this kind of hopeless resignation to the way things are and doesn't want to deal with any more words from me on the matter. He sees me as prioritizing my own individual life and he has to tag along for the ride; I've tried to arrange going to grad school even though I don't know what to do with my life.
I want to give him hope again, even though it's impossible to get down to him right now with closed borders. It's impossible to promise or reassure him without it sounding hollow. My own anxieties and slowness to get around to crucial matters like this have done so much harm, and apologizing doesn't solve anything. It's horrible because it's not even a crossroads of making a decision.
Tldr; my own slowness to react, to get on things in time has led to a scar between us where he (understandably) can't trust me to be reliable. And I think he might be right and don't know how to solve this; I don't know what to express to him, or how, or what will help this situation where it's impossible for me to just go down there right now.
EDIT: Just for more information; we are both anxious, possibly autistic/neurodivergent, and trans men. There's no power imbalance on his side; if anything moreso for me as someone living in the US.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 6+ years. We met online back when we were both teenagers, had a lot of interests in common. We got together and haven't looked back since.
He's from Lima, Peru; the long-distance was always a weight but a manageable one, looking forward to the time when we could live together and make a life together. We communicate well, we work through conflicts very well and rarely resort to the blaming and vindication of many relationships.
He's been to the USA several times; once as a child, twice he visited me, two weeks each during the Christmas season in two years. Another time he was doing a "test run" of living in the US with a friend of his. This has all been very good; nerve wracking but good experiences of getting to know each other in person.
For the longest time, he really wanted me to visit him in Peru; this seemed equitable to both of us for me to experience his life and where he's coming from. And I wanted to--still want to. I expressed my fears and anxieties of travelling as I've never been on a plane, never been outside of the country and rarely outside of state borders. It's difficult for me to start new things.
But my own issues don't change the fact that it's unfair to him. He begged me to come and got more and more dejected over my slowness.
Eventually I did schedule a trip for this last March.....and then the pandemic happened. My trip was cancelled (I still have the plane credit towards a future trip) and we're in limbo again.
Today, I had a long and hard conversation with my boyfriend about this. He said that even though he knew it was probably an unfair conclusion, he didn't feel like getting his hopes up for me to ever follow through on promises or stability in this way. In his words, by the time the borders opened again, I would be settled in my apartment and he would be moving up to start the greencard process anyway, end of story. He feels hurt, disappointed in me, and hopeless that he's going to have to conform to my life without me giving anything back. When I try to express that I still very much want to visit him once the borders open again--I still have the plane credit--he shies away from it. And very reasonably so; he's been disappointed for a long long time by my empty promises that even a future chance of me following through is too much for him to put energy into.
He's not ending anything, he's not even saying to break things off. But he's expressed this kind of hopeless resignation to the way things are and doesn't want to deal with any more words from me on the matter. He sees me as prioritizing my own individual life and he has to tag along for the ride; I've tried to arrange going to grad school even though I don't know what to do with my life.
I want to give him hope again, even though it's impossible to get down to him right now with closed borders. It's impossible to promise or reassure him without it sounding hollow. My own anxieties and slowness to get around to crucial matters like this have done so much harm, and apologizing doesn't solve anything. It's horrible because it's not even a crossroads of making a decision.
Tldr; my own slowness to react, to get on things in time has led to a scar between us where he (understandably) can't trust me to be reliable. And I think he might be right and don't know how to solve this; I don't know what to express to him, or how, or what will help this situation where it's impossible for me to just go down there right now.
EDIT: Just for more information; we are both anxious, possibly autistic/neurodivergent, and trans men. There's no power imbalance on his side; if anything moreso for me as someone living in the US.
