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Relationship failure

Discussion in 'Help and Support' started by Kevin L., Oct 30, 2020.

  1. Kevin L.

    Kevin L. Well-Known Member

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    Hello Everyone:

    My live-in girlfriend of almost 6 years is going to leave me because of my autism issues.
    1) Has anyone--because of sensory issues--have problems doing housework? She doesn't accept that the vacuum cleaner is painful when it's running. She also doesn't believe me when I tell here that I have trouble seeing when something may be dirty.
    2) Has anyone in a relationship had their spouse or significant other constantly angry and frustrated with them?
    3) Does anyone accuse you of "milking" your autism to get out of doing things around the house?
    4) Does your significant other try to control everything because of your autism, and "lack of competence" that's attached to it?

    Any feedback would be appreciated.

    Thank you for your time.
     
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  2. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    In mixed relationships, or probably any for that matter I think it important not to focus on the problem but on working together to find solutions or compromises. Once in a while there may be something you can't fix, in which case you (or they) just need acceptance, and once this has been identified and agreed it should not be brought up any more.

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  3. Kevin L.

    Kevin L. Well-Known Member

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    Thank you very much. I see I'm not the only one who has a problem with vacuuming.
     
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  4. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Been married to an nt for nearly 30 year's now ( next year) and 1. Not those particular things, because I am the one who does the housework, since hubby works full time outside. But, I have an aversion to outdoor smells and especially garden smells. So, when it has been raining and he comes home with wet clothes ( gardener), it makes me feel sick and he doesn't understand that and so hangs his clothes in a place, where I can only smell, which is so rancid.

    2. Yes, he gets angry a lot with me. Says I am hard to deal with and that is because he won't compromise with me. I do try to compromise with him, which is terribly hard to achieve.

    3. Before I was formally diagnosed, he did not want me to go for it, because he reckoned I would use it as an excuse to "get away with things", but ironically, since the diagnosis, he says things like: well, I guess it is because you have aspergers etc, which makes me laugh at the irony of it.

    4. Very much so. Even says that because I am not normal, it is obvious I can't think for myself and will say: that I should fit in with normal people and I say: oh yes? I have tried for all these years. Don't you think it is about time you tried with me?

    In our early marriage, we talked about divorce a lot, but never went through it and about a couple of year's ago, I guess, he said about getting a divorce to free me. But, I said that surely trying to work together is the better option? So, now that I have that formal diagnosis, he is a little better. But, does tend to tease me by deliberately being literal and is thrown when I take him literally, because it is subtle.
     
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2020
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  5. Kevin L.

    Kevin L. Well-Known Member

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    Thank you.
     
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  6. clg114

    clg114 Still crazy, after all these years. Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    Understanding ASD is everything, for both people. I have been married to my NT wife for over 50 years. She went to the trouble of understanding autism and I do to. It works.
     
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  7. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    Vacuums are awful! :eek:
     
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  8. Giraffes

    Giraffes Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I have had long term relationships with two men both of whom were N/D Autism as we know presents differently in men and women and i have a strong need for 'order' my last relationship failed as neither of us were able consistently able to see the others perspective and 'way of being' i tried but was accused of 'as long as you get everything your own way you're happy' well i wasn't!!!! apology rant other, and understand that both people need to want it to work, both partners had a unconscious (prehaps) urge for me to do all the housework and looking after them with little show of affection or appreciation, now single and think for me ATM that's for the best,acceptance is the key i guess, i hope you find a positive way forward.
     
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  9. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Has anything changed recently? I ask because if you have been together 6 years, I'm guessing it wasn't always like this? Do you see more of each other than you used to, or have you recently moved in together? If there's recent changes, that could be what's stirred things up.

    If not, what's your sense of why this is happening now? How were things ok for 6 years but are not now? Are the 2 of you thinking of starting a family maybe? That can be a cause for reassessing the relationship. Or is she stressed at work? Can you sit down together for a talk?
     
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