1. Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Reflections on Marriage

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by SimonSays, Mar 10, 2021.

  1. SimonSays

    SimonSays Time is an illusion I seem to have a lot of V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    830
    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2021
    Karma:
    +1,577
    I’ve been reflecting on marriage, and how strangely meaningless it is; a few people come together, words are said, a piece of paper is signed. Yet it does have symbolic significance. Saying vows, wearing rings; it becomes a sacred thing with the intention of staying together.

    Staying together mostly doesn't happen though. Many marriages fail within the first year. Mine did. The recent one anyway; the one where the paper was signed. Whereas the first one, the one where a daughter was raised, without needing any signature, lasted over 20 years, and ironically, that should've ended a lot sooner.

    I knew something was wrong within the first month, but I had made my bed and was going to be a dad, by choice, which was the point of our being together in the first place. With the second marriage, I also knew things were wrong, long before we ever got married actually, even on the day of our very informal wedding I knew, and it took five days to consummate it as a result. You could say we were ‘married’ long before we actually were as the commitment was there, I’d already moved into her life and adapted to it, so you could say our marriage went on much longer, but legally, it only began when the ceremony was conducted and the words ‘I do’ were said.

    In each case, I’d put myself into a situation I could not actually cope with. I’d imagined what it would be like to be a husband, but it wasn't like that at all. I learned about myself though. I got to understand more about how I think and how I act, and I don't believe I could have learnt those things had I not had those experiences, so they were not mistakes, even if the journey was a hard one.

    And that's the other thing, to get married and live happily ever after. There are some for whom it turns out like that. They must have been whole, first, before finding each other, and those relationships reveal what marriage can be. But for me, I was not whole when we got together, and somehow expected the other to fill the gap, and to some degree that did happen for a while, it simply couldn’t continue. We couldn’t become the substitute for what was missing.

    So life had to break us up. I got from it what I needed, gave what I could, received what could be accepted, and then it had to break, so that other lessons could be learned with other people; ready for the next class. Even though breaking up was difficult, even though we both knew it wasn’t right, we were still close and connected and it wasn’t easy to just carry on alone. But that’s what happens when the dream collapses, and it’s just a question of how to deal with it.

    I never had an affair or found another relationship before things ended. I could never play that game. I've only ever been with one woman at a time, but then I’m somebody who doesn't like to give up. I want things to work. I’ll try everything and I'm nothing if not creative. But I do get attached, and have been dependent, and that interferes a lot. Then I hold on too long which creates suffering for both of us, just because I'm not ready to accept I have to let go.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 3
    • Agree Agree x 1
  2. Gift2humanity

    Gift2humanity Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,448
    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2019
    Karma:
    +1,361
    Many people marry and realise they made a mistake.
    Sorry to hear your marriage failed. You have a daughter.
    Sometimes people feel they ought to marry if a child is on the way.
    Sorry to hear that.
    It's good you learnt about yourself, however. It's good that you feel they are not mistakes.
    Lucky are those who can have long happy marriages. Some stay in marriages that are not happy, for various reasons.
    It's good you got what you needed, received what could be accepted, and you realise that other lessons could be learned with other people.
    Yes, if you are close I imagine breaking up would be hard, but you both realised it was the right thing to do.
    You tried your best. I hope you have accepted things now and that you are free and can still see your daughter.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  3. SimonSays

    SimonSays Time is an illusion I seem to have a lot of V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    830
    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2021
    Karma:
    +1,577
    Unfortunately I lost her too when my marriage ended. I haven't had contact with her in almost 6 years (she's 26 now, married, with 18 month-old twin girls). Makes me an 18 month old grandfather, but I've never seen them, not even a photo.

    It felt like my life ended when we split up. I never expected it to affect things with her so much though. We'd been so close while she was growing up. I was a stay-at-home dad, picked her up from school, took her out into the countryside on my shoulders. I loved being her dad. It seemed to work fine between 3 and 14, when I felt most 'dad' like. But things were not right between her mum and me, and nobody understood I was on the spectrum. And we just grew apart. She was into makeup and shoes and clothes, a young lady with her girl friends. Not much room for a dad in there. I did sometimes hang out with her and them; they liked having me around. But I don't even like to shop for myself, so it's hard for a bloke to hang out with a group of teenage girls who do.

    When my dad left when I was 18, even though he'd barely been there anyway, and was emotionally absent when he was, I knew it was the right thing. I felt instantly lighter, freer, like a weight had been lifted. I think she needed that too. To be her own woman. She was raised to be a strong-minded, free-thinking, independent person. I can't really complain when she turns out to be exactly that and decides she feels better without me in her life.

    I do miss her from time to time, and can't watch the couple of home movies I have of her when she was 10 without feeling it deeply. But they say if you love someone you must let them go. I love her and will always be her dad no matter what.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 3
    • Like Like x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
  4. Bibliophile715

    Bibliophile715 host - first system member - any pronouns

    Messages:
    143
    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2021
    Karma:
    +187
    I'm sorry to hear that you had a split up marriage and lost contact with your daughter, that must have been horrible. However, not all marriages can last, and I'm glad that you realized you couldn't keep continuing on with that one. Not giving up I've found can work well sometimes and other times it doesn't I've found, I hope things improve for you.

    I never plan to have kids myself, marriage seems nearly impossible as of now because I've never been in a relationship with anyone. I'm just not going to be in a relationship with someone else for a really long time since I'm still figuring myself out. I've heard of some marriages working out as some are already really close friends before that and that just amplifies their relationship for the better sometimes even though some don't.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  5. Gift2humanity

    Gift2humanity Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,448
    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2019
    Karma:
    +1,361
    So, this was from the first marriage. I am so sorry you do not get to see your granddaughters or a photo.
    You had to go your own ways though, I hope that doesn't sound harsh.
    It sounds like you were a good Dad, she and her friends liked having you around.
    Some teens do go their own way at 14, but I cannot see why she shouldn't love you still.
    The spectrum wasn't around then, so we were seen as different, but no one understanding us.
    Awww :(
    Some people don't like shopping, I used to think I did, then I decided I would have an idea of what I wanted and get it.
    Sorry your Dad was emotionally absent and hardly there, seems like he shied away from fatherhood.
    Good that you felt a weight lifted.
    I can see you bringing up offspring to be strong minded, free thinking and independent, that is very healthy.
    To be those things shouldn't mean she feels better without you in her life. I wonder if she misses you? I hope I am not being too personal here, it's just that you were a good Dad.
    I bet you do miss her and the home movies must be difficult.
    Yeah, sting sang if you love someone set them free.
    It is lovely that you love her and will always be her Dad, I don't want to pry but if it's right I do hope you regain contact, however you realise the letting go thing.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  6. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

    Messages:
    6,091
    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2019
    Karma:
    +11,885
    Sadly, l lost my daughter in my divorce. And l have nothing. Which causes pain. Why did l bother in my lifetime l guess with marriage, birth and so on. It's a pipedream. The supplier was my ex and he went up in bipolar narcissistic smoke.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 6
  7. Gift2humanity

    Gift2humanity Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,448
    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2019
    Karma:
    +1,361
    my heart goes out to you you.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  8. Major Tom

    Major Tom Searching for ground control... V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    2,019
    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2017
    Karma:
    +5,949
    Marriage is very tough. It's sort of a love/hate relationship (at least in my case).
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  9. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    3,940
    Joined:
    May 22, 2017
    Karma:
    +7,277
    I've never married.
    Mainly for the same reason @SimonSays , I've never really been whole.
    When you aren't right with yourself, you become dependent on the one you love to fill the
    void inside.
    I've been in relationships, but, knew it would never last if I was using them as a co-dependency.
    The only time I've ever heard of that working is when you both feel the same and are truly
    co-dependent together because you just can't find happiness any other way.

    I've known filling the gap of insecurity with my parents.
    Now without them, I am struggling emotionally and may never know true autonomy.
    This leaves a feeling of total loneliness.
    I don't know how I could have changed though. I tried, but, it never worked.
    Too much anxiety and depression without that feeling of wholeness in my life.

    I was never drawn to having children, so I can't relate to what that must feel like.
    Without finding myself first, I'm sure I would have made a poor parent anyway.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
  10. SimonSays

    SimonSays Time is an illusion I seem to have a lot of V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    830
    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2021
    Karma:
    +1,577
    Perhaps having these experiences are a part of what it takes to find ourselves. It's not where we end up that matters, it's the journey we take. Love, loss, pain, joy, it's all part of life. We are who we are for a reason.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  11. Alexej

    Alexej Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,578
    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2019
    Karma:
    +1,348
    or perhaps you find yourself though the process, or rather we all find ourselves through the process of life
     
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 2
  12. Gift2humanity

    Gift2humanity Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,448
    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2019
    Karma:
    +1,361
    You can share the good parts of yourself, we all have them, even though it may feel like we don't.
    I felt I had nothing to offer the world and it's only now I am realising that I have all along.
    I am single by the way, and happy to be so. age 54
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1