I’ve been reflecting on marriage, and how strangely meaningless it is; a few people come together, words are said, a piece of paper is signed. Yet it does have symbolic significance. Saying vows, wearing rings; it becomes a sacred thing with the intention of staying together.
Staying together mostly doesn't happen though. Many marriages fail within the first year. Mine did. The recent one anyway; the one where the paper was signed. Whereas the first one, the one where a daughter was raised, without needing any signature, lasted over 20 years, and ironically, that should've ended a lot sooner.
I knew something was wrong within the first month, but I had made my bed and was going to be a dad, by choice, which was the point of our being together in the first place. With the second marriage, I also knew things were wrong, long before we ever got married actually, even on the day of our very informal wedding I knew, and it took five days to consummate it as a result. You could say we were ‘married’ long before we actually were as the commitment was there, I’d already moved into her life and adapted to it, so you could say our marriage went on much longer, but legally, it only began when the ceremony was conducted and the words ‘I do’ were said.
In each case, I’d put myself into a situation I could not actually cope with. I’d imagined what it would be like to be a husband, but it wasn't like that at all. I learned about myself though. I got to understand more about how I think and how I act, and I don't believe I could have learnt those things had I not had those experiences, so they were not mistakes, even if the journey was a hard one.
And that's the other thing, to get married and live happily ever after. There are some for whom it turns out like that. They must have been whole, first, before finding each other, and those relationships reveal what marriage can be. But for me, I was not whole when we got together, and somehow expected the other to fill the gap, and to some degree that did happen for a while, it simply couldn’t continue. We couldn’t become the substitute for what was missing.
So life had to break us up. I got from it what I needed, gave what I could, received what could be accepted, and then it had to break, so that other lessons could be learned with other people; ready for the next class. Even though breaking up was difficult, even though we both knew it wasn’t right, we were still close and connected and it wasn’t easy to just carry on alone. But that’s what happens when the dream collapses, and it’s just a question of how to deal with it.
I never had an affair or found another relationship before things ended. I could never play that game. I've only ever been with one woman at a time, but then I’m somebody who doesn't like to give up. I want things to work. I’ll try everything and I'm nothing if not creative. But I do get attached, and have been dependent, and that interferes a lot. Then I hold on too long which creates suffering for both of us, just because I'm not ready to accept I have to let go.
Staying together mostly doesn't happen though. Many marriages fail within the first year. Mine did. The recent one anyway; the one where the paper was signed. Whereas the first one, the one where a daughter was raised, without needing any signature, lasted over 20 years, and ironically, that should've ended a lot sooner.
I knew something was wrong within the first month, but I had made my bed and was going to be a dad, by choice, which was the point of our being together in the first place. With the second marriage, I also knew things were wrong, long before we ever got married actually, even on the day of our very informal wedding I knew, and it took five days to consummate it as a result. You could say we were ‘married’ long before we actually were as the commitment was there, I’d already moved into her life and adapted to it, so you could say our marriage went on much longer, but legally, it only began when the ceremony was conducted and the words ‘I do’ were said.
In each case, I’d put myself into a situation I could not actually cope with. I’d imagined what it would be like to be a husband, but it wasn't like that at all. I learned about myself though. I got to understand more about how I think and how I act, and I don't believe I could have learnt those things had I not had those experiences, so they were not mistakes, even if the journey was a hard one.
And that's the other thing, to get married and live happily ever after. There are some for whom it turns out like that. They must have been whole, first, before finding each other, and those relationships reveal what marriage can be. But for me, I was not whole when we got together, and somehow expected the other to fill the gap, and to some degree that did happen for a while, it simply couldn’t continue. We couldn’t become the substitute for what was missing.
So life had to break us up. I got from it what I needed, gave what I could, received what could be accepted, and then it had to break, so that other lessons could be learned with other people; ready for the next class. Even though breaking up was difficult, even though we both knew it wasn’t right, we were still close and connected and it wasn’t easy to just carry on alone. But that’s what happens when the dream collapses, and it’s just a question of how to deal with it.
I never had an affair or found another relationship before things ended. I could never play that game. I've only ever been with one woman at a time, but then I’m somebody who doesn't like to give up. I want things to work. I’ll try everything and I'm nothing if not creative. But I do get attached, and have been dependent, and that interferes a lot. Then I hold on too long which creates suffering for both of us, just because I'm not ready to accept I have to let go.
