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Reconciliation even possible?

PerditaX

New Member
Hi all

I have a little problem that i would like your opinion on

My aspie boyfriend broke up with me a week ago following an intense night where i had an anxiety attack. I might have said things I didn’t mean, but I don’t think I said anything too bad. During an anxiety attack i often forget the whole picture as it’s my anxious feelings that steer me, not logic. I apologized for the things i remembered saying. I don’t have anxiety attacks much but this time I had been off my meds for a week and one thing lead to another and my feelings just burst out. All i know is that the anxiety attack was fueled by memories of my abusive ex, and me feeling that i needed some comforting.

The day after he ghosted me.

I tried to apologize and explain myself. Tried to reconcile and to say sorry, but he didn’t answer me. Two days later he said he couldn’t cope anymore and broke up (via text). Nothing more than that.

He removed me from all social media.

I have been giving him space ever since, I told him that i love him and care and that he can contact me if he wants. But I have not pursued him since then.

Should i reach out to him? Or just let him go? Is there a chance that he ever writes me again?

Should I continue no contact and just let him come on his own terms? What are your thoughts around this?

I really feel that we have a special bond and so much in common, and I feel so stupid if it was my anxiety attack that made him run. Because it would have been so easily stopped if I just had my meds, but at that time I had to wait for them because of summer schedule at my health care facility.

Please give me some clarity of what to do.
 
Should I continue no contact and just let him come on his own terms? What are your thoughts around this?

Under the circumstances that may be all that you can do. Wait and see if he tries to rekindle things.

Though if I had to guess, his decision may have been a cumulative reaction of many things than just over your one attack of anxiety alone.

I once did something like this with an NT girlfriend, and have always regretted my actions. We got back together, but it was never the same. Eventually it was her who dumped me.
 
Though if I had to guess, his decision may have been a cumulative reaction of many things than just over your one attack of anxiety alone.
I think it might be that he thinks I'm looking for affirmation a bit too much, but he knows I'm working on it with my therapist and that I've gotten loads better. I've always been open with communication and compromise around how often we see each other and how to respect each other.

I once did something like this with an NT girlfriend, and have always regretted my actions. We got back together, but it was never the same. Eventually it was her who dumped me.
How did you two get back together? And what made it worse?

I'm thinking maybe would be good for us if it's not the same if i ever hear from him again, but that we work to better the communication and understanding of each other.
 
I think it might be that he thinks I'm looking for affirmation a bit too much, but he knows I'm working on it with my therapist and that I've gotten loads better. I've always been open with communication and compromise around how often we see each other and how to respect each other.


How did you two get back together? And what made it worse?

I'm thinking maybe would be good for us if it's not the same if i ever hear from him again, but that we work to better the communication and understanding of each other.

I approached her. Though before we were living together, and now we weren't. We worked together, and frankly existing with someone 24/7 got to me. This made it better for me, but clearly it was worse for her. Plus she seemed quite indignant over the idea of being rejected. Something her bruised ego was not accustomed to.

But hell, I should have married her. Yet she's on husband number three, so I don't think I would have been able to hang onto her anyways. Kobyashi-Maru. :oops:
 
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I approached her. Though before we were living together, and now we weren't. We worked together, and frankly existing with someone 24/7 got to me. This made it better for me, but clearly it was worse for her. Plus she seemed quite indignant over the idea of being rejected. Something her bruised ego was not accustomed to.

But hell, I should have married her. Yet she's on husband number three, so I don't think I would have been able to hang onto her anyways. Kobyashi-Maru. :oops:

I'm sorry it played out like that for you :(
I'm just hoping to rekindle something with my guy, I hope he like me can see that what we had is worth working on, with a little space away from the stressful few days.
 
Your situation is common on this forum, but it's hard to give much advice until more information is given. Please feel free to answer any or all, or to give more information that might be relevant. Thanks.


How did you two meet?
Who initiated the bf/gf relationship? Friends first?
How long had you two been together?
Had he shown or said much care/love for you prior to the breakup?
Did he give equal efforts in the relationship?
Has he ever gotten very upset at you prior? If so, do you know why?
Had he prior shown any desires not to get too close?
Does he live alone, work, and able to care for himself in most ways?
Has he ever been distant or tried to leave before, and with regards to not showing empathy, or less of?
 
Your situation is common on this forum, but it's hard to give much advice until more information is given. Please feel free to answer any or all, or to give more information that might be relevant. Thanks.


How did you two meet? We met via dating app
Who initiated the bf/gf relationship? Friends first? We both did, no dating from start
How long had you two been together? 7months
Had he shown or said much care/love for you prior to the breakup? Yes, he always showed affection, not verbally as much
Did he give equal efforts in the relationship? I think he did
Has he ever gotten very upset at you prior? If so, do you know why? Yes he have, it was after I had a fight with my dad at a family dinner
Had he prior shown any desires not to get too close? No
Does he live alone, work, and able to care for himself in most ways? He lives with roommate, he’s very able to care for himself
Has he ever been distant or tried to leave before, and with regards to not showing empathy, or less of? Yes he’s done it once before after I had the fight with my dad. That time I suggested we meet a little less often and less intense than before, and to some degree we followed that. Cut down from twice a week to once a week/more seldom
 
How did you two meet? We met via dating app
Who initiated the bf/gf relationship? Friends first? We both did, no dating from start
How long had you two been together? 7months
Had he shown or said much care/love for you prior to the breakup? Yes, he always showed affection, not verbally as much
Did he give equal efforts in the relationship? I think he did
Has he ever gotten very upset at you prior? If so, do you know why? Yes he have, it was after I had a fight with my dad at a family dinner
Had he prior shown any desires not to get too close? No
Does he live alone, work, and able to care for himself in most ways? He lives with roommate, he’s very able to care for himself
Has he ever been distant or tried to leave before, and with regards to not showing empathy, or less of? Yes he’s done it once before after I had the fight with my dad. That time I suggested we meet a little less often and less intense than before, and to some degree we followed that. Cut down from twice a week to once a week/more seldom

Thanks for your replies. I understand not all dating ends well, but I guess what annoys me is when similar stories like yours happen, too, which has been a repeated theme on this forum, when the Aspie other just leaves abruptly and blocks persons or does not reply saying its over, or does not give a reason. I mean, yes, it shows lack of empathy, regardless if he has empathy or not. You would think based on your answers, he should not be able to turn feelings on and off like that, but I understand it can be hard processing emotions and sharing certain ones, and the need to distant themselves is a way to cope under stress.

From what it sounds like, he could either think it's over or he needs to take a break and re-evaluate, without listening to you more. If it were me, I would not pursue it further, as you showed you cared more than enough, and that you wanted things to continue. If he is ever wanting to hook up again, he knows where you are, but if you moved on from him then, that is not your issue, as you should not wait around for something to again materialize. It would seem like any more attempted contacts to him would push him further away, as not much more can be said. I am sorry he ended things that way.
 
It's just that how he done you; it is like a [redacted] coward would do or else or a little kid on a pout. I know it's a modern practice to be ghosted.
Its non confrontational, so is supposedly safer I'm told.

No contact no conflict
I get it.....

And if there is someone I sleep with and then she ghosts me, I shudder. It means she is to scared to come back, I think.

***Maybe when you had your blackout/greyshapes you were like really super mean?****

If Someone plays games with me about the phone and technical problems [battery ded, email full, straight to vmail, new number etc.]that's poser nonsense, and i have stuff to do.

I just let them go away and be [or] make a mess in someone else's life. I have simple needs. I wanna get laid and make food together and lounge around, maybe watch an old film or something. If she is too stupid to take a phone call or wants to have drama games, then I am not really interested, because I have sex with grownups, exclusively. It's a rule. Only mature and responsible adults. Never sleep with people who have more problems than you do.

Fornication in My own age bracket. Someone who Knows how to be a dignified adult etc. Not a

PERSON IN NEED OF SUPERVISION

Because I dont do pins anyways.

Are they going to ghost me when I am waiting for a ride in the rain? What's the difference?Why bother?

Anyways it's childish and disrespectful to just drop contact without a word, and seems cowardly to me. Or like pretend secret agent nonsense.

Alright that's too harsh but that's where I am at, sex or not, but dont pretend I never called, because that's just cowardice a d disrespect treating someone like that, anyways. I call back people in my life, it's simple courtesy. It's not too much to ask, just tell me to go away, and I will.
 
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Thanks for your replies. I understand not all dating ends well, but I guess what annoys me is when similar stories like yours happen, too, which has been a repeated theme on this forum, when the Aspie other just leaves abruptly and blocks persons or does not reply saying its over, or does not give a reason. I mean, yes, it shows lack of empathy, regardless if he has empathy or not. You would think based on your answers, he should not be able to turn feelings on and off like that, but I understand it can be hard processing emotions and sharing certain ones, and the need to distant themselves is a way to cope under stress.

From what it sounds like, he could either think it's over or he needs to take a break and re-evaluate, without listening to you more. If it were me, I would not pursue it further, as you showed you cared more than enough, and that you wanted things to continue. If he is ever wanting to hook up again, he knows where you are, but if you moved on from him then, that is not your issue, as you should not wait around for something to again materialize. It would seem like any more attempted contacts to him would push him further away, as not much more can be said. I am sorry he ended things that way.

thank you for your input, it really helps me in my time of need. I guess I just have to move forward and see if he ever reevaluates his decision. I think I need to prove to him also that I have the strength to move on without him and are capable of living with or without him, which I am.

It’s just that I think I haven’t done enough, but I guess that any more attempts from my side will only come off as needy and desperate. And I know that’s something that could confirm his choice even more
 
Don't know really. We do get similar questions fairly regularly, but rarely hear how it eventually ended up.

There are different scenerios, but one pattern I noticed in several recently was that a argument or fight (verbal) closely preceded the break up. I don't think this is really a ASD only thing, but think that in general blow ups that involve saying 'things I probably shouldn't have' are real relationship killers, particularly for sensitive people.

Ghosting is nothing new. All the social media interconnections just add a new level of drama to it.
 
Understand that ghosting is meant to be final. It's a rude way to break up, and the ghoster knows it, and the ghoster knows he or she is likely burning all bridges to a reconciliation. He does not want to hear from you.

A person with ASD is going to have a difficult time with drama of any nature, and speaking from personal experience, drama in a relationship really sucks when it visited upon you unannounced and you are utterly faultless.

Combine this episode with the time he got upset when you had a fight with your father at a family dinner. I watched my ex have fights with her father. It is very unsettling.

If he does reach out to you and you take him back, he will surely do this again.

Move on and put him behind. Then work on yourself.
 
I don't really understand. It was not as if drama was a big thing in our relationship and I did apologize for everything, and at the same time explaining that I never expect him to take any responsibility in my emotions, that they were for me to handle. That I only need to calm myself down if my anxiety get the best of me. And are better left alone. But it seems that he couldn't handle that and ran. We really had a great relationship, he absolutely loves my pets, we have very much in common and always had a good time together. I can't wrap my head around how singular events can get someone to drop all that?
 
I don't really understand. It was not as if drama was a big thing in our relationship and I did apologize for everything, and at the same time explaining that I never expect him to take any responsibility in my emotions, that they were for me to handle. That I only need to calm myself down if my anxiety get the best of me. And are better left alone. But it seems that he couldn't handle that and ran. We really had a great relationship, he absolutely loves my pets, we have very much in common and always had a good time together. I can't wrap my head around how singular events can get someone to drop all that?

I have ASD. For years my ex-wife would let me have it verbally on a regular basis, often for things I had no responsibility for. I couldn't just ghost my family, so I (like many autists) internalized my feelings, and I wound up in a hospital for depression. (Between marriages I dated fairly regularly and ghosted a few women.) I am just looking at things from his perspective. You say your emotions were for you to handle, but you did not handle them, said things you did not mean, and lost it on him. ASD folks classically are very quick to accept full responsibility for relationship issues. If she is complaining and I know I have ASD, I figure she has a point, I'm not communicating, I'm not listening, I'm not caring.

Just coming from the point of view of someone who has experienced what your boyfriend did.
 
I have ASD. For years my ex-wife would let me have it verbally on a regular basis, often for things I had no responsibility for. I couldn't just ghost my family, so I (like many autists) internalized my feelings, and I wound up in a hospital for depression. (Between marriages I dated fairly regularly and ghosted a few women.) I am just looking at things from his perspective. You say your emotions were for you to handle, but you did not handle them, said things you did not mean, and lost it on him. ASD folks classically are very quick to accept full responsibility for relationship issues. If she is complaining and I know I have ASD, I figure she has a point, I'm not communicating, I'm not listening, I'm not caring.

Just coming from the point of view of someone who has experienced what your boyfriend did.
I understand, I always put blame on myself if someone is upset with me or in general, but I also know that things can be said if things get heated, and however upset or scared I get I just need some time to reassess the situation. Might be that he can’t handle that, but with discussion and apologies I’m able to drop things like that. I don’t see that as a reason for breakup. Most things can be solved with communicating and trying to understand each other.

(And I’m not sure I’m nt or asd, not diagnosed but kinda unsure)
 
I understand, I always put blame on myself if someone is upset with me or in general, but I also know that things can be said if things get heated, and however upset or scared I get I just need some time to reassess the situation. Might be that he can’t handle that, but with discussion and apologies I’m able to drop things like that. I don’t see that as a reason for breakup. Most things can be solved with communicating and trying to understand each other.

(And I’m not sure I’m nt or asd, not diagnosed but kinda unsure)

I'm going to be frank, whether a guy, or a girl, is NT or ASD, he or she is going to find explosive bouts of anger on the part of a partner to be really off putting. Some will wait until the partner works through his or her issues, some won't. Maybe he himself has reassessed the situation.
 
I'm going to be frank, whether a guy, or a girl, is NT or ASD, he or she is going to find explosive bouts of anger on the part of a partner to be really off putting. Some will wait until the partner works through his or her issues, some won't. Maybe he himself has reassessed the situation.
I see what you mean, the most recent situation was not anger but sadness and anxiety. But I guess it doesn’t matter, I could have scared him away either way
 
I wouldn't attempt to write him back, but if you want to, I'd wait around 2 weeks since the breakup. By the time, you need to know:
1. What to apologize for
2. What you're doing to make things different so that they won't happen again

Don't depend on him for anything. Don't have any expectation. Keep it short and to the point. Ask a therapist or good friend(s) to help you with such an apology letter.
Writing one can help emotionally and help you learn how to process things better so that you don't make the same type of mistake(s) again.
We wish you all the best.
 
I wouldn't attempt to write him back, but if you want to, I'd wait around 2 weeks since the breakup. By the time, you need to know:
1. What to apologize for
2. What you're doing to make things different so that they won't happen again

Don't depend on him for anything. Don't have any expectation. Keep it short and to the point. Ask a therapist or good friend(s) to help you with such an apology letter.
Writing one can help emotionally and help you learn how to process things better so that you don't make the same type of mistake(s) again.
We wish you all the best.
Thank you, but I will not write him an apology letter as I’ve already apologised. And if he’s not willing to talk to me anyway I will not come crawling and beg him for forgiveness again. I think I made it clear to him where I stand and that I love him.

I think the only thing for me is to leave him 100% alone and move on with my life. If he ever wants to talk again he know where he can find me. Even if it feels very sad to have to do that.
 

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