• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Status
Not open for further replies.
I have really thought about this a lot.

Many people say they do not want to be cured or that it would be changing who they are. Many people say that it's a condition not a disease or that they are looking for understanding and not treatment...

Well, good for them. You have every right to feel that way and nobody should force a cure on you...

But ever since I was diagnosed with autism my life has been a living hell. I hate myself. I look in the mirror and see a monster. I am not even disabled or severely autistic at all, yet still, I cannot trust myself nor can I love myself. I look at others and keep wondering "What if they know? What if they saw someone or someone told them?" As a result I feel a constant sense of shame wherever I go.

Being on the spectrum, to me, means I can never be sure that I am aware of the depth of humanity and the beauty of society that I will never live up to the standards I set for myself. I will never have the life I want or be the person I wish to be. I'm someone else. I'm not what I set out to make of myself.

Other personality traits can be modified. IF you feel you are too judgemental, too impulsive, too intolerant... you can make it a point to change that about yourself and work on being a better person.

But autism? No. It's there. You can beg and cry and pray. You will always be autistic.


But when I am down, at the lowest of my low points I turn my thoughts to neuroscience: it's advancing rapidly. Elon Musk has announced a brain-compter interface in the works. FMRI systems are improving. Our ability to study brain cells in vitro is better than it's ever been. Genetic engineering and gene science is rewriting how we look at biology.


So... maybe there is hope.

I believe I may have one thing that could make it possible to cure me: I am willing to receive any amount of collateral damage in the process. If I were told that my autistic traits could be gone, but it would require massive brain operations, and in the process I'd lose much of my intelligence, I'd become paralyzed, I'd lose emotional control or balance or vision.... that would be worth it.

I appreciate some people are okay with being autistic. Good for you. Be happy

I have but one goal in life. To wipe out any and all autistic traits that I have. I'm less than 40. Maybe in my life, this will happen? Could it happen? Is there hope?

I think this hope is the only thing that allows me to move forward one day at a time.

Again, if this is not you and you can say "I love who I am" then great. More power to you. But the cure should be pushed forward for those like myself, who feel they will live a life that should never have been and die a self-perceived monster.

So seriously, to those who follow the developments, is there hope?
 
Such a Four.

You can teach yourself body language, especially the acted version which is what most NTs mean when they say body language.

You can teach yourself to see things the way NTs see them, but I'm afraid you'd have to do it yourself, because all the NT-created therapies look like the sock puppet equivalent.

It's unlikely that you'll ever lose the autism, but if you consider it worthwhile, you can cover it up. For what it's worth, I don't think they feel that much better than us about anything. Their main advantage, as I see it, is that the world is built for them, to their specifications, which is democratic and all, but then there's a lot of stuff they don't have to think about or circumnavigate.
 
Such a Four.

You can teach yourself body language, especially the acted version which is what most NTs mean when they say body language.

You can teach yourself to see things the way NTs see them, but I'm afraid you'd have to do it yourself, because all the NT-created therapies look like the sock puppet equivalent.

It's unlikely that you'll ever lose the autism, but if you consider it worthwhile, you can cover it up. For what it's worth, I don't think they feel that much better than us about anything. Their main advantage, as I see it, is that the world is built for them, to their specifications, which is democratic and all, but then there's a lot of stuff they don't have to think about or circumnavigate.

You've missed my point. I don't have any noticeable outward symptoms and I am not one who has any strong autistic traits, but I do have autistic traits. I don't want to hide them. I don't want to work around them.

I want to change how my mind functions, removing all autistic thought patterns and autistic deficiencies or differences. I want to do this so I can be the kind of person I want to be, so I can love myself, so I can feel like I can be me and not feel bad about it. It's way more internal than external.

So any behavioral therapies don't cut it.


I'm just wondering it there really is hope of this.
 
I have really thought about this a lot.

Many people say they do not want to be cured or that it would be changing who they are. Many people say that it's a condition not a disease or that they are looking for understanding and not treatment...

Well, good for them. You have every right to feel that way and nobody should force a cure on you...

But ever since I was diagnosed with autism my life has been a living hell. I hate myself. I look in the mirror and see a monster. I am not even disabled or severely autistic at all, yet still, I cannot trust myself nor can I love myself. I look at others and keep wondering "What if they know? What if they saw someone or someone told them?" As a result I feel a constant sense of shame wherever I go.

Being on the spectrum, to me, means I can never be sure that I am aware of the depth of humanity and the beauty of society that I will never live up to the standards I set for myself. I will never have the life I want or be the person I wish to be. I'm someone else. I'm not what I set out to make of myself.

Other personality traits can be modified. IF you feel you are too judgemental, too impulsive, too intolerant... you can make it a point to change that about yourself and work on being a better person.

But autism? No. It's there. You can beg and cry and pray. You will always be autistic.


But when I am down, at the lowest of my low points I turn my thoughts to neuroscience: it's advancing rapidly. Elon Musk has announced a brain-compter interface in the works. FMRI systems are improving. Our ability to study brain cells in vitro is better than it's ever been. Genetic engineering and gene science is rewriting how we look at biology.


So... maybe there is hope.

I believe I may have one thing that could make it possible to cure me: I am willing to receive any amount of collateral damage in the process. If I were told that my autistic traits could be gone, but it would require massive brain operations, and in the process I'd lose much of my intelligence, I'd become paralyzed, I'd lose emotional control or balance or vision.... that would be worth it.

I appreciate some people are okay with being autistic. Good for you. Be happy

I have but one goal in life. To wipe out any and all autistic traits that I have. I'm less than 40. Maybe in my life, this will happen? Could it happen? Is there hope?

I think this hope is the only thing that allows me to move forward one day at a time.

Again, if this is not you and you can say "I love who I am" then great. More power to you. But the cure should be pushed forward for those like myself, who feel they will live a life that should never have been and die a self-perceived monster.

So seriously, to those who follow the developments, is there hope?
I too wish we cold obliterate it all and start over, it's funny not many people talk about the life expectancy of people on the spectrum, apparently suicide rate is high in late thirties? I have no idea if this is correct because I only read it in very few places. It's either from suicide or health issues caused by our difficulties. I too get tired of never ending up being the person I set myself out to be, even for one day! I also get tired of the tension that builds up inside of me when I have to do something that I'm not interested in, I.e what NTs call "flexibility" and compromises, sometimes the physical tension builds up from this to the extent I need to throw up. Then if I start embracing my so called "advantages", the tension alleviates but then guess what? We're alienated in society, there is no place in this world where people can be different. People with depression and bipolar can even manage but for aspergers /autism, when do we win? Maybe one day you get a trophy for your different way of thinking or dedication to your job or some thing like that but is it worth a lifetime of never ever fitting in? What's the point. I can say that I'm much happier than I've ever been, but what you are saying is so right, we still fight every single day.
 
I want to change how my mind functions, removing all autistic thought patterns and autistic deficiencies or differences. I want to do this so I can be the kind of person I want to be, so I can love myself, so I can feel like I can be me and not feel bad about it. It's way more internal than external

I addressed that. I said I don't think you can. If you were to experience the world through an NT system, you wouldn't know what to do with it.

not many people talk about the life expectancy of people on the spectrum, apparently suicide rate is high in late thirties

Not necessarily. There's suicides all over the place, and there's a great deal of filicide, and add to that that a lot of autistics who only get diagnosed at seventy or so didn't get factored into that statistic, and the average life expectancy is something like 36. But I think most of the suicides happen in one's teens/twenties.
 
Simple answer.
No.
There is no prospect whatsoever of a "cure" for autism for anyone already in this world.
There is a faint possibility of one within the fields of in vitro genetic manipulation but then you hit all sorts of moral problems, including the sort that would cause uproar in Alabama.
Your only prospect is to learn how to love who you are and stop hating yourself for no good reason. Get some help, please. Stop being afraid and speak to people who can help you with the severe mental health problems you clearly have, and stop obsessing about autism.
I genuinely worry about you, I have since you joined this community. Your ideas about autism are ill informed and distorted but getting some help might help you realise that and learn to be happy.
There is no cure for autism and there is unlikely to be for decades, if ever, but there is therapy and medication for the REAL problems you have that cause you to hate yourself and be willing to undergo brain injury to excise yourself of your false demons.
Please, please fix your real problems and make yourself whole.
 
I think that there are further advances in the search for a cure to cancer than there are for autism. But there again, you can die of cancer, but you can't die of autism.

The thing is, there isn't really anything wrong with us - I mean, we are not diseased, not sick, not in pain... at least, not physical pain, so no real urgent incentive to find a cure. The only thing that is really wrong is that we process information in its various forms in a different way - so we are just different.

The main problem for us is, as @Ylva points out, that the world is made and geared towards neurotypicals, not for us, and we find it hard to fit in and make our way.

A quiet log cabin up in the mountains, in the woods, off-grid, on your own away from all people, living off the land with minimum engagement with other people. This is about as close as you will come to having a cure.
 
This is about as close as you will come to having a cure.
Or working at places like JPL (if you're a STEMpunk
full
).
 
Also remember that it's a spectrum of traits and "symptoms", so no one person with Autism can be "cured", because each person with autism will have different traits and quirks to be "cured". And like has been talked about, I think really you have some issues unrelated to autism you might want to learn to manage rather than thinking it's anything to do with autism.
 
What changed after the diagnosis besides just the awareness? You're still what you were before you hated yourself.
 
Even with a cure. I suspect given this is a mental illness. Something else would change as an unintended side affect. A complete mystery to science. So curing it wouldn't nesscarly make it better.
 
When you say i could not understand or deal with being an NT, you're just plain wrong. My autism is very mild an I am very adaptable.

When one says there's no hope of that anyway, then what is the point of continuing to live? What s the point of going on? If there is no hope, all potential for ever accepting myelf and not despising who I am with every fiber of my being is gone.

Eliminate the autism or I spend my life craving the day I die and loathing my filthy autistic mind.


So yeah... adapting to perception changes is preferable to that.
 
Your concern, frustration, and subsequent anger is nothing out of the ordinary. I never understood what contributed to my own successes and failures. Had I known in the past, I would have been able to avoid the strained failures and wasted energy by grasping my reality - "I can't do it". It doesn't mean I am stupid or deficient. It just means "I can't do it". Kids have to learn that its OK to fail. A lot of life is trial and error, but you have to apply what you learn to the next feat or endeavor. I never learned. I just kept plugging away.

I don't think your feelings of being short-changed will disappear. Letting it bother you, though, is something you can be in charge of. There are people who go through life wishing they were taller, better looking, or had a personality trait that made them the most popular person in the room. It ain't gonna happen, so don't let your personal self-worth suffer over something you have no control over. Work with the blessings you have and cherish them. I was always so worried about what I can't do that I never gave enough attention to what I can do. I was completely unaware of ASD and I felt deficient if I couldn't do what everyone else seems to do well. Some people can dance, some people can sing. If you can do both, move to Hollywood - then get in line behind everyone else. Be careful what you wish for, right?

Until this magic autism potion shows up, we have to live with what we have and who we are. There is nothing wrong with any of that. Too often, we compare ourselves to the best of the best. That's very unhealthy and very unfair. I don't wish to be NT because I have already come to like my quirks and special talents. I wish I had known about dealing with ADD, using time well, and developing solid life objectives. I was so worried about not being what I should be that I gave no attention to being what I could be. I never capitalized on my abilities, but in exchange I was fearless and adventurous. Those are two of the code words for "naive". Experience builds confidence and people should always challenge themselves in life. With ASD, we are better off knowing where our soft spots are. It helps us lighten the burden. Being aware of them is also a blessing of its own kind. I accept my Asperger traits because I have had no choice. I've spent much of my life confused and frustrated because I didn't know anything about ASD. Now I have 1,000 stories of how my Aspergers messed with me throughout my life.

I sometimes think of being on the spectrum (and not knowing it) as being like all the characters in the film "Little Miss Sunshine". Everyone had a quest, but without examining their reality close up, their efforts were comedic failures. Put your efforts into what you like and can do well. For whatever ASD does to you, the positive, productive side of you is still there.
 
Eliminate the autism or I spend my life craving the day I die and loathing my filthy autistic mind.

You know it's a testament to what good, tolerant and loving people we have on this forum that nobody's ripped you a new one after the horrible things you say about us because of your own self loathing.

There are no "filthy autistic minds" responding to you, only kind, caring people who've built a real community online in spite of the fear and marginalisation we face from outside. Good, loving, empathic people, intelligent and learned people, sceptics, optimists, atheists and the devout. People with razor sharp theory of mind and people who find the whole world a confusing mess. Autism doesn't make monsters, people do.

We've tried to help you, tried to gently coax you in the right direction and you respond by insulting us even as we do our best to be kind.

You've heard of Body Dysmorphic disorder? A very serious psychiatric condition which causes people to hate parts of themselves? In the most benign of cases people seek constant cosmetic surgery, or undergo extreme body modifications to assuage their compulsion. In the most serious cases people have cut their own tongues off to stop them speaking ill, or lain on train tracks to sever their own legs because they hate them so much. You, my friend, have something similar.

Please, for the love of everything that's good and noble in this world, for the love of everyone you care about or who has cared about you, get yourself to a psychiatrist as soon as possible and take your phone with you. Tell them how much you hate your autism, how much you hate yourself, how you've talked publicly of suicide and self lobotomisation, show them the posts you've made on this forum if you find it hard to speak, and GET THE HELP YOU SO DESPERATELY NEED. We are trying to help you, but you are beyond anything we can offer. Only you can help can help yourself, and I hope you do so soon. None of us want you to suffer, but none of us can help you with your real problems.
 
Last edited:
Also remember that it's a spectrum of traits and "symptoms", so no one person with Autism can be "cured", because each person with autism will have different traits and quirks to be "cured". And like has been talked about, I think really you have some issues unrelated to autism you might want to learn to manage rather than thinking it's anything to do with autism.

I disagree. YEs, it is many traits and symptoms, but one day neuroscience may be able to understand the brain well enough that it can take someone with autism, pinpoint every autistic trait and feature in their brain and then come up with a customizable protocol to eliminate all of them completely

Imagine microbots programed to enter the brain and seek out and destroy any and every autistic feature. That's science fiction, but perhaps not forever.
 
I think that there are further advances in the search for a cure to cancer than there are for autism. But there again, you can die of cancer, but you can't die of autism.

I disagree. Autism robs you of a life. Yes. your heart keeps pumping blood, but you're already dead. You lack the full function of what a concious, feeling, connected, loving, aware being is. It's like you died the day you were born but your body has not gotten the message yet.

And in any case, autism is terminal.

The main problem for us is, as @Ylva points out, that the world is made and geared towards neurotypicals, not for us, and we find it hard to fit in and make our way.

I have heard that many times and could not disagree with it more. Neurotically did not make the world for them. The world just is. The world has many parts created by nature and most things were not built becaue some NT said "Lets build this building for neurotically" they built it because it was the most efficient way to put a structure together.

The fact that the world is not arranged in a way to cater to sensory overload (How could it be, there will always be loud noises) or made with extreme levels of redundant and explicit communications... That's just how it is. Not by design, but necessity.

A quiet log cabin up in the mountains, in the woods, off-grid, on your own away from all people, living off the land with minimum engagement with other people. This is about as close as you will come to having a cure.

ANd that's not what I want. I love people. I love to socialize. I want to make new friends. I love to see others laugh and make jokes that are seen as funny and I get credit for. I love parties. I love to dance. I am perfectly happy in Times Square. I love an excuse to strike up a conversation with someone I've never met and make a new friend. I like to go out to eat and try new food. My favorite evening would be going to a lecture or performance, linking up with some new people and making new friends, then walking down the street to discuss what we had seen over a few beers.

I love roller coasters. I love Imax movies. I love street performers and museums. I like it when a group of people decides to do something goofy and random.

I've never felt "overstimulated" and I like the energy of loud, bright, crowded places. I enjoy banter and good food and drink. I get a charge out of being the center of attention.

My favorite place in the world is New York City. New York, on a balmy night, with all the neon lights flashing and diverse people doing weird things while street performers play music and vendors try to sell you things...

I love going to a random tourist in Times Square and saying "First time in the city? High five!" Then we both walk away chuckling.

The best time in the city, of course, is Halloween. People see someone with the same costume and strike up a conversation. Or you playfully accost them, because they're dressed as your enemy (Like you're batman and they're the Joker). Everyone laughs. Then you watch the other costumes. You give candy to the kids...

I like the stimulating pressure of group brainstorming and problem-solving sessions. I love being the one to come up with the breakthrough idea.

I am as far from being introverted and isolated as you get. I love being with people and i love intensity.


And yet, now that I wear the badge of autism, apparently I'm not suited for that and generally consider myself so incapable I won't do it. I miss it. But I feel those around me deserve better than an autistic.
 
I disagree. YEs, it is many traits and symptoms, but one day neuroscience may be able to understand the brain well enough that it can take someone with autism, pinpoint every autistic trait and feature in their brain and then come up with a customizable protocol to eliminate all of them completely

Imagine microbots programed to enter the brain and seek out and destroy any and every autistic feature. That's science fiction, but perhaps not forever.

This person would not be neurotypical, they would just be very unautistic.

Autism robs you of a life. Yes. your heart keeps pumping blood, but you're already dead. You lack the full function of what a concious, feeling, connected, loving, aware being is. It's like you died the day you were born but your body has not gotten the message yet.

God, you're such a drama queen. Are you telling me I can't love, or are you saying you are not aware? Every time I think you've gotten as condescending as you could possibly be, and every time you prove me wrong.
 
I don't know if autistics, myself included, can feel love. I feel something that seems like love, but I can't really ever be sure that it's not just some kind of learned cognition. There are different things autism effects in different people. Hence, I can't say if any one person can feel love, but it's worth being concerned about.
 
Well, as you so eloquently put it in the Mind blindness thread:

The loneliness of an inability to grasp that anything even exists beyond oneself.

And I guess if you really think you are talking to yourself here that's gonna be your excuse.

You're either a troll or you just escaped from a cult.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

New Threads

Top Bottom