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Really need some advice :((

T

TeriM

Well-Known Member
Hi, been a while since I posted but I really need an the advice of some non NT's. Ok I have been with my ASD partner for almost two years. It has definitely been a learning curve and there has been hard times but I love him dearly. At the moment it feels like my heart is breaking and I'm not sure I have any tears left to cry! We usually see each other a couple of times a week but I haven't seen him for almost two weeks now. Basically he has had a family crisis, and it is a big one and I know he has a lot on his mind. He has cancelled the last three times we were meant to meet because of this. We still talk daily via text ( he finds talking on the phone difficult) but I'm struggling. My NT brain says if he loved me he would want to see me and I'm frightened he is backing off. I have asked and he says there isn't a problem with us. At times like this I can't think like he does and it's hard. Do you think it's a problem or should I stop worrying and just let him sort his head out? Part of me thinks he just can't cope with everything in his head and seeing me but would really appreciate it some input from you guys
 
Your story reminds me of when my mom died. My then wife (NT for all I know) and I were separated but were still spending a fair amount of time together, as we lived quite close to each other. When my mom died, she really wanted to help me with the loss, but I've always dealt with this sort of thing better on my own, and really wanted time on my own, which hurt her feelings. I never thought about it 'til now, but she did lose her mother-in-law, though they weren't close by any means. I always felt that the "normal" way people go about grieving and coping with death was far too influenced by unrealistic hopes of life everlasting, willful ignorance of the cycle of life, and basically missing out on one of the biggest experiences of life. So I deal with it in my own way, and I don't mean to belittle anyone's ideas about the grieving process, or how sad and devastating it can be.

I have been with three people as they took their last breaths, my mom, my uncle, and an accident victim, and I was the last in my family to see my dad and my cousin alive. My oldest sister, likely another Aspie, was with me when my uncle died, and we both reacted in much the same way, and actually both had a very deep and moving experience. I believe we both were the closest to our strange uncle (also likely an Aspie).

So I wouldn't worry too much, and though it's hard, try not to take it personally. I had a friend at the time my mom died who brought me a pot of soup she made, and a loaf of good bread, which we shared a bit of. That really helped me a lot.
 
Sounds to me like he is overwhelmed. Crises can have that effect. The last time one happened to me it took me five weeks to think straight again, and that wasn't even a huge crisis just the dissolving of a friendship.

What I'm trying to say is, he might just need to deal with one thing at a time, but tell him how his date cancelling makes you feel because it may not have occured to him.
 
Thank you so much :)) it is a major crisis that has affected his whole family. I guess the fact he has shared it with me shows he cares. I don't want to tell him how it is making feel via text, maybe I need to let him get his head clearer and then tell him face to face. I am just feeling lonely and scared because I love him so much
 
If there was no reason for the change I would be worried, but in this case there is and I think you can put off having to be worried until after the crisis period. What On the Inside said about dealing with certain things better on one's own goes for me as well.
 
Pretend you are building your love his very own safe fortress to weather this storm and heal in. The fortress will allow him to rebound and be able to spend time with you soon. The fortress is made of time and patience and your deep breathing.
 
i sympathise and hope all goes well. despite being an aspie i actually have been in a similar situation to you in the past where a partner went through a crisis and suddenly became more distant, i didn't know what to do and reacted badly as all i wanted to do was be there for her and help but this isn't what she wanted as she wanted some space. i would just suggest being cautious he's going through a tough time and has other things on his mind, he will come to you if he needs support and in time when things have calmed down things will return to normal.
 
Thank you all so much. I am letting him know I am here for him and being understanding of where he is in his head right now. We have spoken a little and he said other than work he isn't really doing any other things right now. I do know that time spent with me would just be too exhausting for him right now and as much as I miss him I need to ride the storm and show him I not only love him but understand him too. It's hard because we are both needy in some ways. But thank you all again I am so appreciative of you support :))
 
I agree with everybody yes it's very difficult when you are a neuro typical person and the person that you love is in Aspie. it's hard because you don't always know how to show them the best you love them and you're supporting them because they sometimes like to be left alone or sometimes they like different things and it's hard for you to know how to relate . sometimes we understand sadness and anger and happiness but we don't understand them the way that you might . About eight years ago I had my first boyfriend I was in a very weird place I hadn't quite gotten out on my own and I was very not sure how to do that and he wanted me to be more independent and quit relying on everybody else to do stuff for me and be more trying and learn to drive and get out on my own end be away from my dad because my dad wasn't the nicest guy end I wasn't ready to venture that far but I was ready to be away from my dad who didn't understand that I was 21 years old and needed to be treated like I was 21 and so it was hard for me to express that I am doing the best I can with what I just don't have the resources to be isn't that I need but it was hard trying to be in that place while still living at home because I was treated still like a child a lot . End I didn't drive I didn't have a lot of money to go anywhere and he saw me as needing him more than wanting him . And for as much as I need him to get around I really did love him I just still have a curfew and that made it hard to be independent and have a relationship as an adult . And after nine months he was sent to Africa in the army and he told me he wasn't ready to do both things because he was growing up and manning up more than he was ready end he needed to figure himself out . I took that as giving him time to figure him out and then maybe he might come back ready but I found out that he wasn't going to come back ready for me he just didn't think I was ready for him in the beginning the whole time so he emotionally moved on and just dealt with the army but during the army he found another girl that he went to college with and they are still together I think. I was very angry. I thought maybe cod was punishing me I thought maybe I had done something wrong that I hadn't emotionally gotten to where I needed to be that maybe it was the fact it was an independent enough and that maybe if I become there or whatever maybe I can show him that I'm ready truly . But I learned from God that he wanted me to learn something from that experience and I did Bernie know I can move on and use that in the next parts of life that I go through that I wasn't meant to stay there forever because there were reasons that I didn't necessarily know or have to know that God was aware and he was looking out for me. And it took me a while to get to that place where I understood that that God wanted me to learn something from that experience but that there were reasons he closed the door after I learned that . But for a week after I was very angry and I didn't want anybody to console me I just wanted to be left alone to be angry and hurt and I wanted to not eat or shower for days and I got really sick and I had to come to reality. See, I know empathy I feel when I'm sad I feel when I'm happy when someone else is feeling sad I know that I'm supposed to give them a hug or talk with them and I'm very good at giving advice . But I've never been very good at expressing myself physically the way that I feel in my brain mentally if that makes any sense . it was a seven-year period where Iwas definitely trying to get services for my disability so that I could have Social Security and get an apartment end have help getting to and from the grocery store and things like that etc. etc. but I kept getting tonight because I was so high functioning that they wanted on the lower functioning people I didn't qualify because I was seemingly too not disabling and I could do enough on my own that we didn't need services . And that's why it took seven years I had to do a lot of IQ testing to prove that I really needed it and there were a lot of times when they said she's very high functioning and x area or x area and then at the same timeI was lower functioningat some things and they didn't know exactly where to qualify mebecause some of the things I was excellent and showed that I washired thenallowable for services but there were some times when I seemed like I just didn't grasp and I didn't understandand I was slower at picking things up and I did qualify and so they had tohuddle up and figure out what they wanted to do how they wanted to approach it where did they want to put me. and I was very frustrated because it's not fairwhy is this taking forever why can't I get to work about to be why can't I have thethings other people havewhy is this so difficult for me not come as easy to me as an NT. I couldn't understandwhy is this such a fight and nobody can figure out what to do with meand this isn't fair why is this taking so long to come up with somethingstill living with my dad can't stand living with him and I don't have a choiceuntil I can get out on my own but I can't get out on my own because I don't have the sources set up yet. and I couldn't get the sources set up until I was done with all this testing and they knew exactly where to place me on the disability scale and they could decide if I was getting services and if so how much . And I didn't understand how to feel what I was going through my head and a lot of times I went through mental breakdowns where I would literally just be angry and screen and just ball uncontrollably that it wasn't fair I didn't understand why I had to be different than everybody else miticide to be difficult and sometimes I would just cry and cry for an hour straight until I couldn't cry anymore because I was too tired to cry . I just don't always know how to express all of that going on in my head . And it comes out that way because there's so much going on in my head emotionally I don't know how to express it as easily as an NT does.
 
Also second part to my reply:and sometimes it comes out as a mental breakdown because I don't know any other way to express all of that hurt and anger and confusion but I feel all at one time so it just kinda comes out as a mental breakdown cause I don't know how else to express it . And sometimes it's hard I understand that I'm supposed to be sad and I understand that I'm supposed be happy and I know the times to do that but I don't always know how to express those emotions the way that I feel it's really odd to say that because if you know that someone getting hurt is a sad thing and somebody having a baby is a happy time and you know that feeling it's weird to say you don't know how to express that but it's true we all have our own ways of dealing with those and we don't always know how to express those feelings physically even though we feel them in our brains if that makes any sense. one day I was in the basement in the dark just being alone because it was quiet and my dad came down and saw me sitting there and asked me why I looked angry and I said I'm not angry but he insisted that I look angry and I insisted that I wasn't I was just sitting in the quiet . He told me to look in the mirror and I realized I did look angry. and I didn't know why because I wasn't angry . It's just a confusion of physically how to show I get them confused I guess if you will even though I'm feeling happy I get the physical facial features and stuff all confused sometimes and they make the physical signs for the way I'm feeling differently than I'm actually feeling like confuse them . So it's it's it's hard and I can imagine when a big crisis happens in their life and they don't know what to do with themselves and they need time to be alone to process, that's hard. When my grandma, grandpa, aunt on my moms side and aunt and grandpa on my dad side died they did not die at once of course they died many years apart of each other. was 12 for one of them I was 18 for one I was in my 20s for a couple of them and each time I never cried it was really sad seeing other people get sad and that make me a little emotional but I didn't physically get sad and bawl my eyes out like everybody else did. and my sister told me it's just because I don't understand emotions like everybody else and I told her no I do cause I cry at sad movies . But I think over the years I've learned that it might be possibly because it hits too close to home there's just so much to process because it is so cool close for me that I don't know how to process. That its too much if that makes any sense. when my aunt died that was the most recent and that was just a few years ago I found out that my mom and my sister was visiting end they couldn't get in the house and they had to break in and they found out she had killed herself and it was really emotional for them and they cried and they just had so much they couldn't physically feel it anymore because of all the deaths in the family and that one being the closest to home for them that they literally tapped out of any emotions that they had left after that and that makes sense. When I heard about it all it didn't hit to me that it was sad it didn't hit me that I should feel crappy and be really upset . Now at the funeral I watched everybody be really sad and I felt uneasy but I didn't cry and then later on afterwards when I processed a little bit more I did cry but I cried only for a little bit and then I've moved on and that's how I handled it that's how I processed it and that's not necessarily normal how an NT would do but that's the best I knew how to handle it and understood to. and my mom and my dad and my sister all told me it's okay you just process your own way and you just time and that it will happen and it really hasn't . I'm one to think more of the happy things that they did . My grandma always said when I die don't mourn for me I want everyone to wear polka dots and crazy hats and look like it came out of Dr. Seuss because that's the person that I was full of life and supremely excited about everything and I loved everyone to the best I could and I was smart as heck about everything end I taught you guys to be smart streetwise n book wise. so there's nothing in my life to be sad for. them so that's kind of how I process .So just take it like that. They are dealing the best they know how and its not easy for Aspies and they will come to in time. Sooner than you think. and as stated in one reply we love unconditionally we love so much we are so loyal we are so much like a dog we just love unconditionally without asking for anything in return . For me when I had my first boyfriend it was really the only boyfriend I've had that I was so serious and sure about and nothing is really ever been the same since with trying to date so it never really been a as interested since. But I loved him so much. I kinda take it in the analogy of like a teen getting her first crush. I wanted to hold him and be in his every single bit if his being and hold his hands toll.hos his fingers fall off. I wanted his jacket so I could always smell his every smell all the time and cuddle with him. I was genuinely in love!!! In every sense of the word. He was in training for the national guard and I knew being in a relationship would mean him being gone for LONG periods and communicating by letter and some calls. I was ok with seeing him only once in a blue moon. I wasok with that. Once he told me that it was devastating for soldiers to get dear johns letters while out on the field in a strange country and that it's very insensitive and makes some want to do the worst bc they already have developing ptsd or some other form of stress from battle and they don't need that added carp making it worse. And to wait till he got back to tell me if that ever happens. I was the last person to do that. I would.love him till.the ends of time. We usually get an unhealthy attachment to the significant other and really.just like them but it's.degree that it can be a bit much. Like when u go to work for 8 hours and come home and your dog runs and runs and runs around the house, up and down from the sofa and up in you and spazzes and its freaky like they haven't seen u in a year or something. Its a bit overwhelming bit they just love you so much. Its kinda like that. I guarantee they love you and would tell you if they were backkng off. With an Aspie, there is one extreme or the other with love and sexualness. There's no in between. We are either ALL IN or ALL OUT. PERIOD. yes just let them know you are here for them and that you love them and if they wanna talk you are here but no pressure n nothing they HAVE to do. That you are just letting them know you support them. And ask them to let you know if they need anything and to let you know when they are ready to return. And let them be beyond that. Its not a "break"' its still on full relationship but they need quiet time to themself to reflect the family deal. But I guarantee they appreciate you giving them time and trying to understand on their level. ☺☺☺☺☺ kudos to you. It's hard to be NT and loving an Aspie. And hard to understand. But as an Aspie myself, thank you for trying. We appreciate those moments
 
Thank you I am trying but right now I am so sad, confused and lonely. I don't know if I should expect to see him again and I don't want to ask. You see if he manage without me for a few weeks he might decide he doesn't need me at all. It is so hard when our brains are wired so differently. I don't know if the daily texts are because he loves me or because he cares for me as a friend or just because he feels he owes me because I have been there for me. If I ask when I will see him he says he doesn't know yet, if I ask if there is a problem with us he replies why should there be. I'm an NT and my brain says if he cared he wouldn't do this, it is a constant emotional battle and I'm so tired right now
 
I dont thinks it's unhealthy I think that I am unsure because I don't really understand. I lost my husband suddenly at few years ago it took a lot to love again and I am afraid of hurting again so these feelings are about me not about him. He has always been affectionate and caring and is in daily contact with me.
 
Thinking about it, can a relationship where on partner has to withdraw ever really be completely healthy? It will always be difficult but do we walk away from everything that is difficult. I'm not sure any relationship is ever completely healthy they all all have their issues. My late husband was also NT and there were definitely unhealthy times. I am not looking for perfection because that doesn't exist. I know he loves me but I also know he would just walk away if he felt he couldn't cope, he has done it with previous relationships. Does this make me a bit insecure? Of course it does! Nothing is forever life has taught me that and so I have to weight up every likely scenario. One being, we will ride this storm as we have others and be fine, the other being that this crisis, and it is major and potentially life changing for him and his family, will take all his energy and he will decide he can't deal with a relationship too.
 
TeriM said:
Hi, been a while since I posted but I really need an the advice of some non NT's. Ok I have been with my ASD partner for almost two years. It has definitely been a learning curve and there has been hard times but I love him dearly. At the moment it feels like my heart is breaking and I'm not sure I have any tears left to cry! We usually see each other a couple of times a week but I haven't seen him for almost two weeks now. Basically he has had a family crisis, and it is a big one and I know he has a lot on his mind. He has cancelled the last three times we were meant to meet because of this. We still talk daily via text ( he finds talking on the phone difficult) but I'm struggling. My NT brain says if he loved me he would want to see me and I'm frightened he is backing off. I have asked and he says there isn't a problem with us. At times like this I can't think like he does and it's hard. Do you think it's a problem or should I stop worrying and just let him sort his head out? Part of me thinks he just can't cope with everything in his head and seeing me but would really appreciate it some input from you guys
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Easy tell him you are in pain with him 'ignoring' you.we need verbal instructions.Its probable that he is overwelmed with the family issues and has not thought about how it's affecting you.We are very loyal but we have to process relationships logically it's not instinctive to us.does not mean we don't love our partners it's just not instinctive.My wife gets fed up and then tells me how she feels so I can make it better.we have been together for 35 years but you need to realise all you need to do is TELL HIM HOW YOU ARE HURTING TOO.Best of luck
 
Phillip Cowdrey said:
Easy tell him you are in pain with him 'ignoring' you.we need verbal instructions.Its probable that he is overwelmed with the family issues and has not thought about how it's affecting you.We are very loyal but we have to process relationships logically it's not instinctive to us.does not mean we don't love our partners it's just not instinctive.My wife gets fed up and then tells me how she feels so I can make it better.we have been together for 35 years but you need to realise all you need to do is TELL HIM HOW YOU ARE HURTING TOO.Best of luck
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Thank you and I think you are right, I think he doesn't realise because I haven't told him. I would prefer to do that face to face so there is no misunderstanding. Last night he knew I was fed up and asked me what was up, I just told him
I was fed up with everything, he took me at my word literally and we moved on lol.
 
Sometimes I am like that myself. I ask what's wrong and if nobody tells me then I just assume I must've done something that it must be me they are mad at. My roommate gets depressed alot and I don't really know how depression works. Sometimes she seems to just be having a tantrum and sometimes it seems like she is genuinely hurting. Sometimes she gets sad and down in the dumps and doesnt know why and sometimes its work that set her off and the rest of the night she won't come out and won't eat and just sleeps. Sometimes she doesn't talk about it and sometimes she dies when she is ready later. I ask her "are you alright?" And she doesn't say anything, she just gives me a state like go to hell or something. Its probably not about me but when I don't get an.answer and she's clearly pissed off I think its possibly something I did. On just wanna know I didn't do anything nd she won't tell me so I feel like sh** and dreamlike she's mad at me. I think its it's probably not me but as asking is not good bc she doesny wanna be bothered and I bothered it so that causes her to snap at me and that's probably where I feel like she is upset because of me. But economies it could be me. Like today is her birthday party at her grandparents house. Her grandma texted me last night and said that her brother was picking us up at our apt today at noon. I told becca that and she sounded frustrated. I asked if she was aware of her brother picking us up and she said "idk I don't care!" Then this morning her grandma texted me that Beccas parents were picking us up and I told her when she got up and she said "I don't know and I don't care!!!" She got real pissed, real fast and went back to bed and slept for an hour and is up watching tv in her room. I told her parents to call her bc I told her they were picking us up and she said she didn't care and may need them to talk her out of depression bc she doesn't seem like she wants to go. No answer back. I'm afraid of asking how she feels. I'm just gonna wait till her parents either get here or call to say they are coming. She's not even dressed. Its hard sometimes I don't understand what I did wrong and I spend the whole day feeling like sh** thinking shes mad at me and I find.it.wasn't me she was just depressed in general. But with me in need absolutes bc that's not fair to snap and make me think.I did something when I didn't. Ive learned to not ask so much and give her space but she has to tell me more. Not all.the stuff if she doesn't want but at least let me know its not my fault. That's the problem for many of us.
 
Just wanted to let you all know I have seen him and you were all right 'we' are fine he just needed space. Thank you all for being there for me :))
 
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