Reaching a point of acceptance.

[Metalhead]

My experiences are never going to be validated by my blood family. My opinions and emotions are never going to be validated by my blood family. No matter how often I complain about it, it will not change a thing. I have just been figuratively banging my head against a brick wall on this.

There are people out there in the world who know that I do not suffer from intellectual or cognitive disabilities. The opinions of those people should matter more to me than the opinions of anybody in my blood family. My real family is not tied by blood at all.

I should just accept the reality, and I should then let it go, and focus on where I want to take my life this very second instead of dwelling on the past.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

It sounds like you are learning, like me to relinquish the hold the past has on us.

 

[Misery]

I'll just say this short bit:

Never forget that there are people out there that absolutely DO understand what you're going through, and who know full well that it is valid.

And that's far more important than the absurd toxicity that you've described from your family.

Listen to the positive ones and let them help your mood and such. Ignore the negative ones.

....That's it.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I'll just say this short bit:

Never forget that there are people out there that absolutely DO understand what you're going through, and who know full well that it is valid.

And that's far more important than the absurd toxicity that you've described from your family.

Listen to the positive ones and let them help your mood and such. Ignore the negative ones.

....That's it.

So true. What I feel is the greatest betrayal of my feelings was by my family. All could see my isolation but thought I was normal and only made snide comments about homosexuality rather than question my lack of social involvement.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

One thing you cannot change is your genes, or the snps that make you who you are which came from your so called blood relatives. In other words due not cut off your nose in spite of your face.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

One thing you cannot change is your genes, or the snps that make you who you are which came from your so called blood relatives. In other words due not cut off your nose in spite of your face.

I don't think @Metalhead is undergoing gene therapy, so I don't really understand what your point is. Could you explain it?

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

So true. What I feel is the greatest betrayal of my feelings was by my family. All could see my isolation but thought I was normal and only made snide comments about homosexuality rather than question my lack of social involvement.

my youngest brother is single, your right snide comments about homosexuality, but then a cousin kept his homosexuality hidden until his parents passed, even got married. Sister and I now suspect our brother may be one of us. Continuum, so not so obvious. I know he wants answers. So five out of six ASPIE's in family?

 

[Gee Wyles]

I feel exactly the same as you and could have written the same words as you. I always tried my best to receive approval from my family for my achievements but approval or validation never came. It may seem odd but I never felt any sense of love for my family, even so, I seemed to need their approval. What I received was criticism instead.

When my mother died, I felt a great sense of relief like the weight of the world was suddenly lifted from my shoulders. I finally had no one to prove myself to other than myself.

Prior to that though, I distanced myself from my family both physically and emotionally. That allowed me to get on with my life on my own terms. Your summation indicates that you know what you should do. It worked for me and will work for you. You only have to act on what you know to be the answer.

 

[Aspychata]

So true. What I feel is the greatest betrayal of my feelings was by my family. All could see my isolation but thought I was normal and only made snide comments about homosexuality rather than question my lack of social involvement.

I too didn't date. But as a female , l wasn't questioned about it. My mom did tell me she was surprised l married late in life because she knew l kept to myself. I am quite at home by myself. There are very few l am friends with. I have been accused of being a lesbian by men and woman. I have good friends both male and female however l prefer the company of a charming handsome guy that l met. I resent the fact that people push NT standards on me. I don't take this quite as rejection, but if l had been born male, l may think like you.

Like the OP, l did decide it was toxic, and l entertained divorcing myself from my family. That it had to be done. It's sad, it hurts horribly, you do carry rejection in your heart when your own family tries to eat you. Was l the weakest link and they decided to attack me. Was there something about me that they didn't like? I stood out early in my life, people always noticed me. Did they not like the attention l got? Even to this day, my brother and mother have quietly accepted me. However it's a strange feeling.

I guess l should thank the OP for his post but this was painful to write. Online therapy - Yikes (moaning sounds heard).

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I don't think @Metalhead is undergoing gene therapy, so I don't really understand what your point is. Could you explain it?

You can disassociate your self from your family physically but not genetically. If you decide to have family, who you are will keep going. None of us knows the future do not make present decisions that may effect how you life turns out. Do not run away from your self. my Uncle was a real loner, farmer meet the love of his life died at 97 after a 50 year marriage. why he come to Canada, how he got along with his family no clue I did not know my grand parents. my wife's sister had one kid who is trans, also Aspie, not accepted by all of family. Let the parents and child I'm there for them, family is family. See the whole family getting more accepting as we ago about our business and talk, cousins uncles aunts. The Aspie part is peanuts I told the kid was an Aspie before they got diagnosed the trans part was the issue of contention. Had to teach myself, then act as model for rest of family. Sorry having difficulties with pronoun, she does not care. Aspie in her. Do Not make a path for yourself, you can not walk back.

 

[Metalhead]

Yeah, there is one other point where my mother got involved that had me convinced for a while that people could do whatever they wanted to me and my mother would make sure there was nothing I could do about it.

One time, I was visiting my grandmother’s house, and then my cousin came to stay a couple of nights when I was there. At one point, I had a couple of Xbox games in my suitcase. When I got home, those games were missing. I assumed my cousin stole them, because after all, he had a history of stealing from other family members, including pawning off valuable jewelry from his other grandmother. My mother stepped in and strong armed her opinion that I probably just misplaced the games.

One year later, this same cousin comes to visit me. I see him handling several of my games. Then he went home. A couple of days later, I realize that every game I saw him handle that day, the case was on the shelf but the game discs were missing. So I called his parents and told them he was stealing from me.

As soon as my mother heard about this, she decided to call his parents and tell them that no, my cousin would never steal from me, and that she suspected it was my friends in AA who came into my apartment and specifically only stole the games I last saw when my cousin was handling them. My cousin got away with stealing over $2000 worth of games from me because of my mother intervening in a situation she had no role in to begin with.

Now my family is telling me it is very sad that I am not letting my cousin into my living space these days, that even though they now acknowledge he did steal from me since he was stealing from everybody back then, that I should let him back into my life even after they sent him the clear message that it was OK for him to steal from me.

This is such BS.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

That is great your setting boundaries. That is important in reclaiming your agency and advocating for yourself. The interesting thing about boundaries is that you may see the benefit, in the future, of letting a special person past them.

 

[Aspychata]

Yeah, there is one other point where my mother got involved that had me convinced for a while that people could do whatever they wanted to me and my mother would make sure there was nothing I could do about it.

One time, I was visiting my grandmother’s house, and then my cousin came to stay a couple of nights when I was there. At one point, I had a couple of Xbox games in my suitcase. When I got home, those games were missing. I assumed my cousin stole them, because after all, he had a history of stealing from other family members, including pawning off valuable jewelry from his other grandmother. My mother stepped in and strong armed her opinion that I probably just misplaced the games.

One year later, this same cousin comes to visit me. I see him handling several of my games. Then he went home. A couple of days later, I realize that every game I saw him handle that day, the case was on the shelf but the game discs were missing. So I called his parents and told them he was stealing from me.

As soon as my mother heard about this, she decided to call his parents and tell them that no, my cousin would never steal from me, and that she suspected it was my friends in AA who came into my apartment and specifically only stole the games I last saw when my cousin was handling them. My cousin got away with stealing over $2000 worth of games from me because of my mother intervening in a situation she had no role in to begin with.

Now my family is telling me it is very sad that I am not letting my cousin into my living space these days, that even though they now acknowledge he did steal from me since he was stealing from everybody back then, that I should let him back into my life even after they sent him the clear message that it was OK for him to steal from me.

This is such BS.

You say to him, you want to visit me? I need a thousand dollars damage deposit just encase you get some strange idea that my stuff is your stuff. Or you consent to a strip search of pockets and bags when u leave. Lol

 

[Metalhead]

Today, my mother told me that she always supported my film criticism hobby. That is an obvious lie. She tells obvious lies to me all the time. I do not even bother to point out she is lying to me anymore since she doubles down on the gaslighting every time I do bring that up.

Growing up with a mother who gaslights me and a family who she has convinced that she is my number one advocate has really messed my head up.