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Quick question

Suzanne

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
This is what I have learned.

One whom you feel comfortable around; where you can be yourself and not feel judged and the reason you will feel that way, is because they show support for you, even when it is difficult for them.

But, it is a two way action and thus, we have to learn to give as well as take and that is hard for us, since we often miss the key points. I am reminded often that I should be doing such and such, so yep, need prompters.
 

Gracey

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
How can you tell if someone is your friend? I don't mean a casual friend, I mean really a friend. Whatever that is.
Quick answer:
non-judgey acceptance.

quirks and idiosyncrasies are non issues. For either of you. Barely mentioned.

much interaction is enjoyed in the present moment.
'Roles' are barely assigned. Both 'just are'. Little expectation or demand.
Sharing experiences, tales and stories. Humorous or otherwise.
 

Aspychata

Serenity waves, beachy vibes
V.I.P Member
Friends? That's a great question. Friends are somebody you can't wait to see again. The best friends are the ones that you laugh together at the same things. You may have similar interests. You like hanging out together.

My friend l met going to a exercise class. We just starting getting coffee together. Then we would grab a meal and chat about man issues. Friends support you when you feel down. And they cheer you on when you have succeeded at some milestone.
 

Duna

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
How can you tell if someone is your friend? I don't mean a casual friend, I mean really a friend. Whatever that is.
Do you feel comfortable around the person? Not only on occasion, but most of the time?

Is the person honest with you? That includes little things like pointing out that your fly is open for example.

Is the person loyal to you. Even if they criticize you later on, or beforehand, but when facing someone who is attacking you, true friends stick by your side.

True friends are there when you need them. They respect when you need space and they learn to overlook your little flaws and help you overcome the big ones.
 

Forest Cat

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Call them on a friday and ask them if they can first help you move all your furniture out of your apartment, then drive you to the airport, lend you some money and look after your cat for a week. If they say yes, they are truly your friends. ;)
 

Duna

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Call them on a friday and ask them if they can first help you move all your furniture out of your apartment, then drive you to the airport, lend you some money and look after your cat for a week. If they say yes, they are truly your friends. ;)
Fun example, but it bears a lot of truth.
 

Mary Terry

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
There used to be a radio talk show called "Car Talk" or something like that. The hosts used to say that a friend will help you move but a good friend will help you move a body.
 

Gerald Wilgus

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Friendship is a dance. Mutual respect and an enjoyment of being with them starts the tune. Sometimes toes get stepped on, yet there is a sense of mutual support through life.

I am fortunate in my friendships. Plus, there are those here that I greatly respect and enjoy hearing from. Were I a dog, reading their posts, my tail would be wagging furiously. Feeling that way about others is joyful.
 

Owliet

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I struggle to determine this too. Sometimes I will be of the belief that someone is a friend, and it turns out they’re not or just an acquaintance. Whilst sometimes I will misread a situation and think someone doesn’t want to be a friend, but they do. I haven’t really been fortunate in my friendships. I have usually been in groups with people, usually out of a shared interest that quickly fizzles out or I get dumped because I am not as interesting or something as the other people are. Groups of three never work. Only time when I’ve ever had a real Friend was at university, and even then that fizzled out because of the pandemic. At cons, I’ll talk with people but I don’t think they are friends the way other people have them As I dont hang out with them outside of them.
 

Duna

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
While shopping it occurred to me another thing real friends must do: be themselves while with you. This shows that they trust you, which I think is equally important than vice versa. Plus they are not trying to deceive you.
 

Thinx

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Although, I'm not sure if I would like the friend who said yes to all my demands as much as the one that said, are you kidding, and usefully suggested all those fixes. The facilitator sounds more like someone who either has low self esteem, no life of their own, and / or likes to rescue others to feel worthwhile. But I speak as someone who seldom makes a friend...
 

Knower of nothing

Well-Known Member
I suppose it's once you feel they are. Friendship is more experiential than conditional. If you're not experiencing it as more than casual, then why would it be more than casual? To place experiences is tricky, so maybe compare your feelings towards a bunch of people in your life to get an idea of who's closer, more enjoyed, whatever else.
 

Thinx

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
A complication as I see it is that one difference that seems marked between neurotypical people and people who are autistic is that neurotypical people have agendas. So if they are or want to be your friend they will have some reasons for pursuing the friendship that may to us feel problematic or underhand even. Or somehow dishonest. Like, we have a job somewhere they want to work. Or they want us to do something for them, or fulfil a function in their lives that is missing. I think we tend to be simpler. We like them, they seem nice.

I think this is one reason we can be open to manipulation. Because if someone befriends me and is nice to me, I may tend to just think it's a friendship, not think about agendas etc. Some agendas will be very benign, though, they admire a skill we have and they think we are witty and quirky in a good way, and like to be with us to share these traits we have. But also they collect others to be around them, and we are suitable. Maybe those are the better friends.
 

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