Questions from a confused Asperger

[Lea Fages]

First of hi, my name is Lea and I am an “Asperger “. For a very long time I have been asking myself a lot of questions about my condition and I thought maybe this would help ^^’ so for a little bit of a background my little brother and I are both under treatment for attention deficit disorder and Asperger. We both use the same medication and have done the same tests.

However there’s been a real struggle when it comes to other people accepting me as An Asperger. You see even though I’ve been diagnosed as such, people tend to think (my family included) that I’m not Asperger , more like a form of adhd. The main reason for that is even I struggle with typical Asperger stuff , I have over the years developed good social skills , unlike my brother.

When I was a kid I was your very typical Asperger child. Then I got really bullied and I’ve done a huge job to become more social. It’s still sometimes awkward for me but I manage pretty well compared to my brother. Also I have struggling with very frequent and violent panic attacks , that can go from shaking and crying to self mutilation. I have also a big history with depression and suicidal thoughts. For the longest time I’ve tried to deal with it but sometimes I feel like I'm just completely crazy.

I would like to know your point of view , and if that something you struggle with too, because I’m pretty lost.

 

[Tom]

Hi Lea,
There is some concensus that women hide ASD better and thereby are more likely to get undiagnosed. I am not sure why other then perhaps women mature and figure out certain things faster. The struggle in life is one of the most common traits we (those with Asperger Syndrome) share. What you learn can be added to and improved and many things made easier. On the flip side you must often protect yourself from over stimulus and things that tend to make you have melt downs, etc. What I mean is that life can and will get better if you do what you can and avoid what you can't.

 

[Lea Fages]

Hi Tom , thank you for your response , I wasn’t expecting a reply this quickly ^^ Do you yourself experience panic attacks or other types of crisis ? If so how do you cope with them ?

 

[tree]

 

[Tom]

As far as panic attacks, for me I had a long history of anxiety that over time got worse and developed sometimes into panic attacks. I couldn't think my self past it and ended up going on a anxiety med full time. By full time I mean I probably will be on it indefinately. I don't like the idea of meds but once it really reduced the anxiety and prevented attacks I was sold on it. The other type of crisis I had was getting very upset/emotional. The outlet that developed for me was yelling and throwing things. I eventually realized it was a lose/lose stratagy. It just drove people away and I would break some expensive things! :O What I came to believe was the upset outburst was a lie, just an outburst and if I waited it out, like 12 hours or a day I would see that plainly. I didn't master the control all at once but kept at it and got better at doing it over time. Now it basically never happens. When I get upset I focus on something else, maybe leave the presence of others, sometimes even explain that I am just in off-mood, etc.

 

[Nitro]

 

[wadorama]

Hi Lea, and welcome! Full disclosure I'm new to this myself but can totally relate to the sibling thing. Went through school a year behind my brother (full-on aspie) so I was in his wake so to speak. There wasn't much awareness at the time so we were just the weird brothers. Although I got on with folks a little better than he did (for whatever reason), I was judged by what he said and did. Developed coping skills as a result that ended up not helping long-term, but I'm still in the game and he checked out. Maybe no answers here but lots of opinions, and hopefully one of them gives you what you search for.

 

[Lea Fages]

Hi I’m really happy you said that , it’s reassuring to see it’s not just me in this scenario ^^’ I have very Asperger traits but just because I can talk better with other people I’m suddenly not qualified to be seen as an aspi. My father especially keep saying I’m not Asperger even though I’m diagnosed

 

[Accelerator]

Hi and welcome Lea~. I see Tom's already given his two cents regarding your situation, and I hope you'll take this as a good sign for your time on the site in the future; we're here to support each other after all.
Now, while I can't say that I've gone through outbursts to the severity that you've described (though I have done my fair share of driving people away and property damage, much like Tom), there are at least a few other people who have on the site, so hopefully they'll come online soon enough to see this post and perhaps give you more advice, though if you want my two cents then for the most part I pretty much agree with what Tom' suggesting.

 

[Warmheart]

Welcome here.

 

[Lady Penelope]

Hi there ... I'm a late diagnosed female aspie who went undetected for 35 years. I researched female aspie traits pre-diagnosis and read just about everything I could find.

Passing as non-aspie is our forte. Females on the spectrum mimic. We desperately want to fit in. We feel inadequate and like we are at fault for not fitting in or acting appropriately. So we watch. We learn. We remember. We appear as quiet, shy and non-confrontational. We do not cause trouble.

The opposite of many males with ASD. They tend to act out and be aggressive.
They are noticed.

It is not surprising that you and your brother do not act the same despite having the same diagnosis. I suggest you read more about how ASD can appear in females. You may be like me and get quite a few "Ah - ha" moments.
Good luck!

 

[Fitzo]

Welcome Lea. I agree with everything Lady Penelope said.
It might help you to watch Dr Tony Attwood speaking on women and girls with Aspergers. I think there are a couple of clips on YouTube. Once you've seen them, maybe you can get your Dad to watch them too. It might help him to realise that female Aspies present very differently to males, but that doesn't mean your diagnosis isn't accurate. Unfortunately a lot of people are still expecting very stereotypical behavior which is very male orientated.
Not believing or invalidating your diagnosis is very unhelpful and may actually be quite harmful.
I hope you get to a better understanding.

 

[Streetwise]

First of hi, my name is Lea and I am an “Asperger “. For a very long time I have been asking myself a lot of questions about my condition and I thought maybe this would help ^^’ so for a little bit of a background my little brother and I are both under treatment for attention deficit disorder and Asperger. We both use the same medication and have done the same tests.

However there’s been a real struggle when it comes to other people accepting me as An Asperger. You see even though I’ve been diagnosed as such, people tend to think (my family included) that I’m not Asperger , more like a form of adhd. The main reason for that is even I struggle with typical Asperger stuff , I have over the years developed good social skills , unlike my brother.

When I was a kid I was your very typical Asperger child. Then I got really bullied and I’ve done a huge job to become more social. It’s still sometimes awkward for me but I manage pretty well compared to my brother. Also I have struggling with very frequent and violent panic attacks , that can go from shaking and crying to self mutilation. I have also a big history with depression and suicidal thoughts. For the longest time I’ve tried to deal with it but sometimes I feel like I'm just completely crazy.

I would like to know your point of view , and if that something you struggle with too, because I’m pretty lost.

Sorry this makes me angry I would feel like said to him in a very angry tone my diagnosis is legal you can't do anything about that had to get that out

 

[SusanLR]

Welcome Lea.

The panic attack is all too familiar to me.
They started when I was 13.
By the time I was 30 it got real intense.
Very hard and long lasting attacks where I couldn't do anything but sit on the floor, ( I felt that was safer in case I fainted from hyperventilation), I couldn't move, couldn't think of anything except that I was suffocating and dying.
This could last for hours! Not the typical 15 mins. most articles say they last.
Depression sat in along with them until I was at the point I wouldn't leave my room.

I was finally hospitalized for it and although I couldn't believe I needed that and that I could somehow break the cycle myself, I did need it.
It saved my life and it was a long road to progress even after I came home.

I also used to get so angry I would break things.
My Aspergers diagnosis didn't happen until I was 58.
So I was a good actor and hid it also.
The panic attacks I couldn't hide though.
I'm glad I learned a lot of coping skills and I also have to take medication ongoing for anxiety. Don't like to, but, I haven't suffered any problems from years of it either.
So it's like taking any medicine for life I guess.

Now that I live with someone that doesn't really know how my history with anxiety has been, I try so hard to keep from having a bad attack as I don't want him to see that. Don't know how he would take it.
Take it all one day at a time or minute to minute when you have to.

 

[Bolletje]

Adult female Aspie here, diagnosed at 29. Many people didn't believe my diagnosis either, because they only see the person I am on the outside, with all the social skills I've cultivated through the years. They don't see the everyday struggle behind the screens, so to speak, nor do they see the anxiety attacks I occasionally get. It's hard for people to understand what I deal with on a day-to-day basis, but I try to teach my friends about my personal manual page by page

I'd suggest you keep educating yourself about how Asperger's affects women, and keep working on becoming the person you want to be. If people don't want to believe your diagnosis, let them. You know who you are. Focus on things you can influence, things that are important to you.

 

[pjcnet]

Asperger Syndrome is often difficult and/or late to be diagnosed as unlike other autistic spectrum "disorders" there is no obvious speech development issues as a very young child which is of course an immediate give away that requires further investigation. Everyone on the autistic spectrum including people with Asperger Syndrome have varying levels of different traits and some may barely show at all. As we get older many people on the autistic spectrum also learn to control their traits better and this often involves learning to emulate NTs by observing them, including being social. In fact some people on the autistic spectrum can control their traits and emulate NTs so well that they'd even fail to be diagnosed as autistic in their current state, yet they ARE still autistic and always will be. In a way they're effectively faking the diagnosis test and in fact even life in general to appear NT. This isn't necessarily a bad thing in some situations, but in my opinion it can also cause extra stress and anxiety in the long term.

If you are on the autistic spectrum and are emulating being social then it will be extremely difficult for you to know the difference since you won't have ever experienced being truly social like an NT. Since you had the usual social issues when you were younger along with other common autistic traits and were diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome it's virtually certain that you are on the autistic spectrum and it is likely that you are at least partially emulating being social even if you don't realise it.


Edit:

More thoughts about emulating being social and/or an NT:

As someone on the autistic spectrum myself I've had a good think about the difference(s) between an autistic person emulating being social compared to an NT who is truly being social. I believe that autistic people learn to copy NTs by observing them over a long period of time which maybe done both consciously and unconsciously, or as a combination of both. For NTs I assume that socialising is something that comes much more naturally since they're already born with many of the basic skills including reading and reacting automatically to body language.

Emulating anything is also usually less efficient and in this case is likely to put more strain on other resources in the brain in order to emulate the part that is missing / not functional. As I mentioned earlier, emulating being social (or emulating NTs in general) is in my opinion more likely to cause extra stress and anxiety in the long term, perhaps this is partly why, but it's also in my opinion because we are trying to be something we are truly not. In many ways it would be much better if NTs would just accept us for who we truly are rather than trying to force us to be more like them, but sadly that isn't likely to happen anytime soon.

 

[Katleya]

Hello & welcome, Lea!

May I make the wild assumption that you speak French? (In which case, I'm thinking of a French-speaking website that you might find useful to show your father legitimate articles about how AS presents very differently in women than in men, including how it presents for teen-aged femals/younger women, but since I might be completely wrong in my assumption, I'll let you reply first).

 

[Esa]

Hi Lea,

I understand the struggle and the desperate need to find out what’s going on within. Although, the diagnosis is really just for one’s own sake. It’s for you to understand what’s happening and why it’s happening. It would make life a bit easier if we could explain ourselves to people around us like family members and friends but I doubt that even if you have asperger’s, it still wouldn’t define you. Why do people get diagnosed? If it were something like cancer, people would focus on treatment, right? And by treatment, I don’t mean cure. Knowing what you have helps you get the treatment you need.
In this case, knowing what it is helps you make sense of things. And then you can take action accordingly. Knowing is for you, not for anyone else. It’s up to you to share things, but you would most likely be disappointed if you expect everyone else to understand you or agree with you. I’m here if you’re interested in talking about these things, not as an expert nor as a full-time friend, but just as a random person.